switch: ON

what happened?
why is this voice so loud in my head?
louder than ever before?
"look at your stomach. see that bulge? fat bitch"
"your hip bones dont stick out enough."
"get off your lazy ass and exercise"
"did you see that cheerleader at the store today? she was thin. her legs were tiny. everything you'll never be"
"purge. purge. purge."
i wish i didn't hear it.
shut up. shut up. SHUT UP.
but i know it's the truth.
ana wouldn't lie.
(forgive me for using ana but that's what i named my eating disorder. real original, huh?)
i planned on fasting today.
did i?
no.
was i weak?
yes.
but not by choice.
my parents told me i couldn't skip lunch.
i had a parfait from mcdonalds.
no granola.
130.
i had about half a regular powerade.
75.
a few sips of soy milk.
18.
stupid trips to the store.
my parents don't trust me to stay at home.
they trust the just-turned-11 year old more.
they say they enjoy my company.
how can you enjoy a moody fat bitch?
got a haircut.
i don't like it.
then came dinner.
we went out to eat.
texas roadhouse.
i was freaking out.
i didn't know the calories.
thankfully, my pt buddy looked them up for me.
i had dinner all planned.
half of the grilled bbq chicken.
256.
steamed veggies.
originally 90 but i only ate like half.
50.
i rounded up just to be sure.
a house salad with low fat ranch.
161.
i didn't get the low fat ranch for some reason.
instead, i got low fat italian.
a house salad with low fat italian.
191!
how the fuck is italian more calories than ranch?
>.<
grand total: 720.
fuck you fat bitch.
i need to exercise.
im mad about those extra 30 calories even tho i was 10 under what i originally had planned.
i feel like i'll gain.
i'm sure i really look over 100 now.
FUCK YOU!

wow.

lots has happened since my last post.
i have completely withdrawn from school for this semester.
it's a medical withdrawl.
i am so unstable that my therapist agreed that i just cannot continue.
in fact, i cannot continue with just once a week therapy with her.
she (and my parents) came to the conclusion that i need more intensive treatment.
i have two options: a treatment center or an iop.
my therapist informed me that if i do an iop, it has to work on my ed.
when i first found this out, i did not react well.
i screamed.
i cried.
i informed my mom and therapist that i hated them.
i was so angry on the outside..
but inside, i was scared.
i'm still scared.
but what choice do i have?
i can't keep living like this.
this isn't even living.
"there's more to living than just being alive."
i'm not for sure what's going to happen,
but right now, my mom and i are shooting for the treatment center.
i'm not sure i could keep myself safe in just an iop.
this decision was not based solely on my eating disorder.
it was also based on my depression and suicidal ideation.
i've become so unstable that i just can't do anything anymore.
i had to give up school.
it was once something i was so proud of.
now it's part of what's killing me.
i have to give up my freedom.
but hopefully by giving it up temporarily,
i will gain it for life.
i'm scared.
i'm so scared.
thanks for sticking through this with me.
i'll still be around for awhile.
i'll keep you updated on what's happening.
if i do go inpatient, i'm not sure i'll be able to blog.
no need to worry about that now.
for now, i'm here.
thank you so much for being here with me.
<3

Forget Me

Please forget
All the pain I’ve caused
I was wandering endlessly
Hopelessly lost
I had nowhere to turn
Except into myself
Even though I know
Everyone wanted to help
I just couldn’t let them
I didn’t want to fight
I wanted to give in,
To take my life
I searched for clues
To lead me to death
Always looking for ways
To take my last breath
I was miserable living
I just wanted to die
So weak, so hopeless
Why bother to try?
I cut myself
I took those pills
Praying every time
That this time it kills
Well one day it did
Successful suicide
The end of my tears
But new ones to be cried
I didn’t mean to hurt you
I just wanted to be free
I’m sorry I left you
Just forget me

I would not be here tonight if I had to choose..

I just want it to stop. I dropped two of my four classes thinking that would solve the problem. It didn't. I have to give a speech tomorrow. I don't want to do it. I can't do it. I was meeting with my public speaking teacher and I was practically in tears. We were simply discussing my speech. How am I actually going to give it?? I'm not. It's that simple.
I think I'm going to go back to the hospital. I can't handle this.

Everything Is Beautiful

Inspired by the song Everything Is Beautiful.

If everything is beautiful,
that means I am too.
I am full of strength
and so are you.
This disorder will not beat us.
Recovery will win.
Don’t give up.
Never give in.
Life is a beautiful place
if you want it to be.
Choose to make your life better.
Choose to be free.
By choosing to recover,
you are choosing life.
With every step you take,
you make yourself fly.
Keep fighting.
Never lose faith.
Believe me when I say
you have what it takes.
I have it too.
We have so much to give.
Let’s change our lives.
Let’s start to live.
We can do this.
Believe in yourself.
Even if you slip,
there will always be someone there to help.
I love you.
It’s time you love yourself too.
Soon I’ll love me
the way you do.
Together in healing,
together in recovery.
Watch us recover.
Watch us be free.

I missed blogging

Thanks for all your support on my last post. <3

My therapist surprisingly did not ask for my weight on Wednesday. I did tell her I was below 100. Doubt she believed me though considering I still look like a whale. I was also kinda drugged that day too. I had taken a Klonopin and it knocked me on my ass. After my therapy session, I saw my psychiatrist. He put me back on Cymbalta, left my Lamictal at the dose they did at the hospital, and took me completely off my Abilify. Fun stuff. We went way over in time. Like 30 minutes almost. Oh well. We had a lot to talk about.

Umm, I dropped two of classes for this semester. Well technically I only dropped one myself. My teacher dropped me from the other one. It sucks because the class my teacher dropped me from was ASL, the class I was most looking forward to taking. :( Oh well. Maybe I can take it next semester. So now I'm left with the two classes that are actually required: Public Speaking and Compostition 2. Funnnn stuff. NOT. >.< My mom thinks I might need to change my major (forensic science). Unfortunately, I think she may have a point. I've had 3 suicide attempts this year (2 being major and while in school). Can I really handle it? I want to do it so bad but can I ever stable myself out enough to do it? I'm not sure.

I miss Misty. She's one of the staff from the hospital I was just in. It sucks that I will never see her or talk to her again. That's one thing I hate about hospitals. You form bonds with people (staff and patients) and you can't (well, you aren't supposed to) keep in contact with them. I want to stay in touch with Misty like I have with past staff. She really cared about me.

Can't wait to weigh in this morning but it's only 5 am. (I try to not weigh before 8 am if I've been up at ungodly hours in the morning.) Hopefully I'll hit a new low weight (again). On Wednesday, I was 98.8 pounds. I think I gained a little for Thursday but hopefully I'll have lost it again. People tell me I need to gain weight. My mom keeps telling me I'm going to be hospitalized if I don't stop. I pretty much laugh and say "it's not that bad", which it isn't. I am perfectly fine. (lies) I was talking to a girl on anabites.com (a ED recovery site..haha) and she says she thinks I would go residential. It's like NOOOOO! It's really not that bad. Now if I weighed my UGW (85 pounds), then maybe I could see that. But I'm just barely under 100. It's not that bad. (<--Who am I trying to convince??) Oh well. I'm just going to keep losing. I need to take progress pics but unfortunately, I do not have a mirror in my bathroom at the moment due to painting. Oh I guess I should mention we are painting our house.

Well this has been kind of long. I haven't done a post like this in forever. Thanks for reading it.

another (failed) attempt

On September 2, I overdosed. It was a rather serious suicide attempt. I ended up in ICU before going to the psych hospital. I'm no longer suicidal :) but I am still a little bit unstable. My meds were really fucked with in the hospital and I'm hoping my psychiatrist will get me sorted out today when I see him. While in the hospital, I lost 6 pounds. I was there for a week and a half. I am now at my lowest weight (99.4 after breakfast as of yesterday). I am worried about another hospitalization in my future. My therapist always told me if I went below 100, she would hospitalize me. I guess I'll find out.
On the positive side (I think..), I finally got set up with the eating disorder doctor. The appointment is in a month. That's the soonest she can see me. Think I can lose 5 (or more) pounds by then? That's not very positive. lol. Typical Debbie Downer/Negative Nancy. Oh well.
No one will probably notice this but just thought I'd say I'm alive and doing better.

Save Me From Me

I feel the water rise against me
Slowly drowning in the tide
Praying to be rescued
But when help comes, I hide
I long to be free
But I never catch a break
I think it's because when I get the chance
It's one I do not take
I'm scared I'll be here forever
In this crazy messed up world
Fighting for what, I do not know
I'm one confused little girl
I try to think positive
But the negatives seem more real
I try to ignore them
But it's hard when that's how I feel
I don't know where I am going
I don't know where I am
I'm lost, alone, confused, and scared
I don't know who I am
Just wanting to find solace
In the arms of one I love
But the arms I'm surrounded by
Will never be enough
I'm drowning ever so slowly
In this sea of my tears
Consumed by the darkness
Consumed by my fears
Want to escape
Want to break free
Someone, anyone
Save me from me

Happy Birthday...

to me!!! :P Yes, it's my birthday today. I turned 19. It's mixed feelings but I'm trying to be positive. Last night I got the best birthday surprise ever. My best friend from Michigan flew down to see me and stay for the weekend!! I was so excited when I saw her that I screamed! :D So I won't be on for a few days seeing as I'll be with her. Love you guys!

do you remember...

my last plan?
my last overdose?
the last time I said I was suicidal?
I do.
It's the same as now.
I had that same plan today.
More pills readily available to take.
I shouldn't take them.
How tempting it is.
"What good would that do?"
Maybe it would kill me.
Please let it kill me.
I just want to lay down to go to sleep and never wake up.
I have the choice.
It's as simple as take the pills or don't.
But really, it's not that simple.
I want to die.
I don't want to go to the hospital.
Does it hurt much to die?
Please let me die.
Kill me.

Letter From Suicide

Hello little one
Are you feeling lost?
Are you all alone?
A miserable lost cause
Come talk to me
I won't let you down
I'll be your friend
When your other friends aren't around
I know your pain
It's one you should not feel
No one should have to hurt
So I'll make you a deal
Give me your soul
And I'll set you free
I'll give you an escape
No more misery
Just take your life
And all will be fine
I'm suicide, I'll save you
Please don't start crying
Don't you see I'm the answer
To all your pain?
I'm your way out
You think I'm insane
But really it's true
I'm the answer to your prayers
No one will miss you
Because no one cares
But I'm here for you
Whenever you need a hand
I'm always here
Because only I understand
So don't listen to them
Listen to me
They don't make you better
They only hurt you, can't you see?
With me you won't feel anything
The bad will no longer be
You'll be happier than you've ever been
Because with me, you're free
So take me up on my offer
It's one you won't regret
I welcome you with open arms
Welcome home my pet

events of yesterday

went to group.
almost passed out at group.
forced to drink protein shake.
after group, went to wendy's.
cue internal battle.
driving back to the highway.
stopped at stop sign.
get rear-ended.
driver drives off.
i get his license plate info.
call cops.
neck and head hurt.
want to sleep on the way home.
everyone says not to.
they say i could possibly have a concussion.
go to ER.
there for three hours.
get x-rayed.
nothing major.
neck and back sprain.
my grandpa has the same.
IHOP for dinner.
the end of a very long day.
best night's sleep in a long time.
that's what happens when you get one hour of sleep in 36 hours.

today was better.
eat. play on computer. sleep. eat. play on computer. and now sleep.

green tea pills and diuretics

should not be mixed.
too late for that.
i went to the store at 9 am to buy them.
FUCK. THAT.
took three green tea pills at 10.
took the recommended dose of diuretics at 2:15.
cue heart pangs and chest pain.
cue freaking out.
cue messed up breathing.
it. was. SCARY.
will i do it again?
yes.
why?
because i'm fucked up.

what to say?

i hate this.
i fucking hate this.
i hate me.
i hate her.
that's a lie.
i don't hate her.
i just hate the things she says.
i just hate the things she does.
kinda sounds like i hate her.
"you are beautiful" = don't eat it or you'll get fat.
fuck you.
did you hear me?
i said FUCK YOU.
like i don't struggle enough with wanting to starve.
like i don't fucking struggle enough with eating unhealthy foods.
FUCK. YOU.
i hate this.
i fucking hate this.
i hate myself.
fat pig.
disgusting.
fat bitch.
moody.
crazy.
ugly.
fat.
fat.
did i mention fat?
lose the fucking weight already!
go to the store and fucking buy the diet pills.
you need them.
do you want to be fat forever?
fuck recovery.
you were never in it anyways.
i fucking hate you!!
die fat bitch.
choke on your own food.
fat fat fat.
fucking die already.

I am weak.

I cannot do this.
I am not strong.
I am scared.
I am not here
but I am here.
I am not alive,
merely existing.
This is not life.
Want to lose.
Sick of the gain.
Sick of the game.
Sick of myself.
So much for a new month.
Soon it'll be a new birth year.
Whoop-de-fucking-do.
Cannot do this.
Do not want to do this.
fuck fuck fuck.
What am I going to do?
I am scared.
Too much pressure.
Too much stress.
Too much weight.
Too much.
Too much.
Too much.
Just make it stop.

I think I'm going to try.

twirling, spinning, running in circles.
so confused.
all alone.
just want it to stop.
heart beating, racing.
please stop for i don't want to be alive.
slow down.
slower
and
slower
til you no longer beat.
kill me heart beat.
cease to be.
make me as dead as i feel inside.
my head is clouded.
can't see straight.
i should take them.
i know i should take them.
what's stopping me?
really, what is stopping me?

Pain

I crave to feel you daily
Searching to find a way
Wanting your soothing presence
Praying you’ll come one day to stay
Trying hard to find you
Always succeeding in the end
To most you are an enemy
But to me you are a friend
You never let me down
Easily pulling through
My life would have been so empty
Had it not been filled with you

old poem

My silent cries for help
Have yet to be observed
Screaming from my soul
Although it's never heard
Tears roll down my cheeks
Blood drips from my arms
I'm fading into darkness
I have cause myself this harm
So tired of all the yelling
Sick of all the fights
Wanting everything to end
It's taking all my might
Not giving in
To the monsters in my mind
But I'm weakening inside
Slowly over time
Ashamed for all my actions
Regretting all my thoughts
Faking all my feelings
Everything is just a plot
Nothing I do is real
Don't believe a word I say
Pretending to be different
Helps keep everyone away
Falling into pieces
Drifting farther and farther apart
Can't deal with all my suffering
Life is tearing away at my heart
Not wanting to let people down
Although it's too late for that
Maybe I can make it through
But right now all I see is black
The demons I must face
Are beginning to close on in
Scared with nowhere to go
Death is looking like a friend
I'm slipping out of grasp
Soon there will be no more chance
To retrieve me from this hell
You better take a second glance
Does no one see through my lies?
My mask must be too convincing

funny when you're dead how people start listening

it's i'm crazy.
these fucking thoughts in my head.
torturing me so sweetly.
haunting me.
no escape.
perfectly good day ruined by searches for self-destruct weapons.
nothing's wrong and everything's right.
who am i kidding?
nothing's right and everything's wrong.
these suicidal fantasies are becoming more and more tempting.
almost took them the other night.
being awake this late tonight prevents me from taking them tonight.
wouldn't take them anyways.
i'm too scared.
too chicken.
cried myself to sleep the other night because i "want to live"
so explain to me
why i woke up the next morning mad that i was alive.
fuck fuck fuck.
makes no sense.
people tell me i must want to live.
i'm tired of living.
this isn't living.
this is existing.
surviving without will power.
simply here.
alive outside but inside so dead.
dead.
dead.
i want to be dead.
kill me.
please?
i'll love you forever.

http://unbeautifulthoughtsofamonster.tumblr.com/

^^ Tis my tumblr. It's where I waste most of my time.

What words can I say? A picture says a thousand words. Take a picture before I disappear. Because I only need it to say one. "Good-bye."

Ocean

I’ve tried to swim in this ever-growing ocean, but it seems I’m barely treading water. My head keeps going under. My arms are flailing. I just want someone to throw me a life saver, but the rope is always too short. So many people try to throw me that line, but I can never seem to grab hold and hang on. My grip slips. The waves pull me away. I try to stay afloat in the raging waters, but I’m slowly drowning. I want to be saved. I want to get out of this ocean, but I see no land. Swimming endlessly, in a sea of misery, darkness, and hurt. Get me out of here.

Fatal 7/20/11

Drifting in and out of consciousness Alive but slowly dying
Scared but ready to move on
Her family around her crying
Her mother holds her hand
And begs her to hold on
Daddy stands there silent
Praying she’s not gone
Her breathing is more labored
Time to intubate
The tube goes in
But it may be too late
Her heart is giving out
Her organs are failing
Sounds are growing dim
Can’t hear the sirens wailing
Her eyes are open
But she’s not seeing
Slower and slower
Her heart is beating
The paramedics know they’re losing her
She’s slipping fast
Vital signs fading
Death has her in its grasp
The monitor flatlines
Quick, resusitate
But the young girl’s heart won’t start
Help arrived too late
Her parents are crying
As they spread the word
Good-bye little girl
We’ll miss you in this world

5'5"

I grew an inch. BMI 17.1 whoop-de-fucking do.

a poem

I want to spread my wings and fly
But alas, I have no wings
I want to run away from here
Away from nightmares and towards dreams
There’s few things more than what I want
Which is to disappear
I want to poof and vanish
Away from this spot here
There’s nothing wrong with where I am
It’s all just in my mind
It’s a little fucked right now
Which is never a good sign
I’m trying to behave
Like I know I should
But when everything is bad
How can I be good?
So watch me slowly walk away
From this life I do not want
Watch me disappear
In my final farewell stunt

One Less Lonely Girl

With scars on my wrists
I’ve proven what’s real
My pain never ceased
Though my cuts are now healed
With empty bottles on the floor
And the pills absorbing inside
If this kills me tonight
I’ll have proved I was alive
Because sometimes I’m empty
Sometimes I’m numb
Sometimes the pain inside
Is a little too much
I’m tired of existing
When what I want is to live
Forget surviving
I’ve got nothing to give
So I’ll take my life
And leave this world
Good-bye
Now there’s one less lonely girl.

Bottles of pills
Just calling my name
I want to take them
Erase the pain
Ever so tempting
I’ll take more than the last
Maybe this time I’ll die
Free from life’s trap
I won’t have to fight
I can finally give in
What’s the point of fighting a battle
You know you can’t win?
I know it’ll hurt others
But what about me?
Do I deserve to suffer?
I just want to be free
So I’ll take a couple handfuls
And chase them with beer
Sweet suicide I’m coming
Death I do not fear
Soon this’ll be over
And all will be fine
At least that’s how it works out
In my crazy, twisted mind

my week in few words

Fasted Monday.
Got sick from low blood sugar Tuesday.
Therapy Wednesday. Talk about hospitals and IOPs.
Group Thursday.
Graduating driver's ed Friday.
Date with a boy Saturday.
Water park and movie Sunday.

Chili's

Food today was okay. Should have been less. Ate too much at dinner.
Brunch:
Frosted Flakes w/ 2% milk ~200 cals
Dinner:
Chips and salsa ~ 200 cals
Chili's Southwestern Eggrolls (2/3 serving) - 540 cals
Drinks:
water - 0 cals
32 oz sweet tea ~ 190 cals
10 oz Sprite ~ 120 cals
Grand Total: 1250 calories.
Grrrr fat bitch. Shouldn't have eaten so much at dinner. FUCKING FAT PIG!!
I'm doing the whole recovery thing (2 meals a day) yet I'm still losing/trying to lose. Fail much?
In one week I will be done with Driver's Ed. I can restrict all I want. I can lose all I want. Free for a month and a half. No school. No nothing. I don't care about the hospital. I'm not sick anyways. I'm clearly a wannarexic.
I don't have an eating disorder. I'm much too fat for that. I eat too much for that. I don't freak out over eating meals. I just shove food into my mouth because I'm clearly normal. So sometimes (all the time) I feel like purging after I eat. It's no big deal. It would be a big deal if I purged..but I don't so clearly I'm fine. Just another wanna. EDNOS? HA! That's not a diagnosis. Not for me anyways. It's anorexia or nothing. Of course I believe in bulimia too but I don't binge enough or do purging type behaviors enough to have that. So really it's anorexic or fat failure.
Wow, I'm positive tonight. *sarcasm*
Good night.

two words

i cut.

i just don't know

I'm not sure what I'm doing right now with recovery. I ate my two meals today for my recovery goal. Will I tomorrow is the question. I just want to get sick, be sick. I want this illness to engulf me. I want to prove to myself that I am sick. 98 is sick. I just want to be 98. 98 means the hospital. Is it worth it? Yes. No? I don't know. I need some time, time to think, time to figure out what on earth I'm doing with my life. I may or may not post. I just don't know right now. I'm sorry.

Happy Father's Day

I actually spent it with my father at the water park. It actually went well. Had fun. :)
Downsides:
-sunburn
-too much food
FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
kinda wanting to die again.
but shhhhh don't tell.
it's been coming on for awhile.
not enough to do something
not actively planning always planning
i'm sorry..for letting you down again.

fdlksjf

I woke up for once and was not tired. It was crazy wonderful. :)
Ate lunch. Almost didn't. Was paranoid if I ate, I wouldn't fit into my new shorts. (That wasn't the case.)
Went to the pool for 4.5 hours. It was hot and I got a little sunburnt. It was fun though. I ran into my dad there. 0.o We actually talked and got along. He might give me the car. :))) He brought me home.
Talked to my brother-in-law. :)
Ate dinner. Ate two desserts. Want more. :(
Don't know what else to say. Night.

size 0

I can wear a size 0!! =D I even fit into the one size 00 that I tried! 0.o How the hell is that possible? Am I really that skinny? My mom was not impressed, especially when I told her my size 0 shorts were falling off. It's like "oh shit. I guess I am getting smaller." I must say that I am uber excited by this! I've been wanting back into size 0 for a long time...and now I am!! Wooooooooo.
I ate like crap today and am about to have ice cream. smart decision dumb ass. way to not fit into your size 0 shorts. I didn't exercise. I wanted to swim but couldn't. (I'm on my period and don't/can't wear tampons.) I will be able to tomorrow though. Good thing my period only lasts 2 days. =P
Umm don't know what else to say. Love you guys!

Oh and PS..I didn't take any pills. :)

enough

jumping jacks, planks, banana boats, wall sits.
That's not enough, is it?
No, it's never enough.
I'm never enough.
NEVER
-good
-pretty
-thin
-worthy
-smart
-helpful
-strong
ENOUGH.
Want to stop.
Want to give in.
Want to DIE.
Don't want to
-live
-breathe
-fight
-eat
.
When will it end?
It has to end.
Why won't it end?
I can't do this.
I am too weak.
and
It is too strong.
There is no "it".
There is only me.
I'm not disordered..
merely crazy.
alone.
scared.
confused.
CAN
NOTDO
THIS.
Pills are tempting.
Just a couple would help.
Just a couple would take the pain away.
Just a couple.
Just the whole bottle.
Don't want to fight.
Tired of fighting.
Give in?
Yes, please.

wake me up inside

SAVE ME from the nothing I've become.

Fuck. I'm falling and falling fast. Crashing. Triggered. Unstable. Want to cut. Punching myself instead. Fat bitch. fat fat fat. You should never eat again. Weak for eating. FAT for eating. I can't believe you wanted pie. Obviously you are just a fucking cow. Eat like a little piggy. Oink oink. You deserve to be punished. Cut. Bleed. Die.
UGLY.
MONSTER.
FREAK.
CRAZY PSYCHO ASS BITCH!
I hate you. Do you hear me?! I FUCKING HATE YOU!
Too chickened to purge. Don't want to spoil your precious record.
LAZY.
WEAK.
NEVER GOOD ENOUGH.
Eating disorder? Yeah right.
WANNAREXIC.
FUCK YOU!

sorry

for failing at posting lately. I didn't get on the computer at all yesterday due to sleeping, psychiatrist appointment, a showing (of the house), dinner, and driver's ed homework. The homework was HARDDDDDDD!
Did not want to wake up this morning. I slept through 3 alarms. fucking pathetic. I'm just so tired.
Driver's Ed day two went well. I took notes and took a test which I'm hoping I got 90% on. Otherwise, I'll have to retake it.
Ate a crap load of (unhealthy) food today because I'm a fat ass.
Went to the pool TWICE.
First time went well, minus flashing the whole world multiple times. Stupid suit kept going down on the obstacle course.
Second time, not so hot. I was having a lot of ED thoughts. My thighs seemed to have grown to the size of tree trunks. I had to hide them with a towel. I also hid my tears underneath a towel. I hate the pool the second time. I just wanted to come home.
Now I'm home and blogging. Don't know what else to say.
Night loves.

i hate titles

Sorry for no post yesterday. I would have posted after dinner except my food allergies decided to act up. Diarrhea is no fun. Honestly, I can't even remember what I did yesterday. Oh wait, it's slowly coming back. Had a rude awakening due to my little sister's bustle for her audition. I lounged on the computer before hopping in the shower. Played on the computer some more. Went to my mom and little sister's massage. I was supposed to see if I could get one too. I didn't bother. Went to dinner. Got sick. Now you're caught up on yesterday. =P
Today was okay. Woke up shortly after 11. I was still tired even though I got almost 12 hours of sleep. I don't know why I'm always so tired. It's annoying. Went to see Judy Moody and The Not So Bummer Summer. It was really good. :) I ate so much (extra buttery) popcorn and candy. Plus I had an ICEE. Packed my stuff to come back to my grandparents. Then I went home and ate my quesadilla explosion salad from last night. Fought with mom on the way home. :( Almost cut but called my therapist and got through it. Ate dinner (mac and cheese with mashed potatoes). Then I went for my very first driving lesson!! I was super nervous. I thought I was going to kill us all but I didn't! I wasn't very good at the gas pedal but once I got to driving a little more, I did better. I wasn't the best at the brakes either. 0.o I'm not the greatest parker but hey!, it was my first time driving. Give me a brake! ;) I'm proud of myself. I had fun. I can't wait to better my driving skills. We rewarded my mad driving skills with a hot fudge sundae. :) :( :/ Now it's bed time and I am so ready for that!
Okay. Good night my lovelies!

poem

When losing weight is your passion
And starving means control
You know you have a problem
Or at least that's what you're told
When you look at thinspiration
And that's all you want to be
You tell yourself you will do anything
To be like the girls you see
Checking out pro-ana sites
To find an Ana friend
Trying out the tips and tricks
Losing weight is the latest trend
Starving for perfection
Doing anything to be thin
Want to see the bones
Maybe that'll make you love yourself again
But deep down you know you're lying
You know it'll only make things worse
But you just can't give it up
"Hunger hurts but starving works"
The pounds may drop
But you'll still feel just as fat
You'll still hate the reflection in the mirror
You'll see a body covered in fat
Everyone around you
Will notice how sick you are
But you'll deny you have a problem
You haven't taken it too far
Killing yourself slowly
A prolonged suicide
Sometimes you wish it would kill you
It's better than living with the monster that's inside
You know that you are miserable
Living with the voice inside your head
You also know that if you're not careful
You'll go too far and you'll be dead
But a part of you doesn't care
And that's what scares you most
Not caring if you die
For a body you can't boast
You know there's only one way
To make yourself feel good
Recovery will make it better
If you were stronger than you would
You have the strength within you
Even though you disagree
You have everything it takes
To make it through recovery
So take it step by step
And take it one bite at a time
One day you'll be free
From that monster in your mind
It'll take hard work
But it's worth it in the end
Recovery will save you
Recovery will help you mend
So don't give up your life
For an unattainable goal
Choose to recover
And you'll truly have control
Life will get better
If you stay on recovery's path
No it won't be easy
Yes you will have a lapse
But everyone has setbacks
You just have to get up and start again
You can do it
Happiness is just around the bend

hello

I didn't eat the best today. I took 3 green tea pills. I'm bloated as fuck. Grrrr. ED wise, today was a bad day.
I freaked out over eating a salad. Well, first I freaked out because dinner plans were changed. I was no longer having turkey chili. I didn't know what restaurant we were going to. I managed to get through it okay. I did feel extremely guilty though over eating the salad. Fucking pathetic but in my defense, there was a lot of stuff on it.
I hung out on anabites for six and a half hours. I have no life. XD
Don't know what else to say.
Staying with my mom this weekend. :)
Might go swimming. 0.o
Nervous.
Too fat.
Same for another massage.
TOO FAT!
I gained 1.4 pounds from my binge last night.
I'm hoping to lose them soon.
I want to reach a new low weight.
I want to reach 100 98.
Must lose.
Can't lose.
Recovering.
Am I?
Fuck I'm confused.
I haven't done a good job of recovering.
Skipping meals.
Binging.
Grrrr.
Just a fat failure.
Soon to be even fatter. -.-
Okay, enough of my shit.
Good night.

recovery = fail

You cannot binge and be in recovery. I am a fat bitch with no self-control. Why did I think I could do this? I'm weak. I'm not strong enough to recover. When I step on that scale tomorrow, all I'm going to think is "how can I lose this weight?". How fucking pathetic. When your life is controlled by food and weight, you know you have a problem. But I don't have a problem. I can't have a problem. I'm not sick. I never was. I never will be. Sick is less than 100. Sick is purging. Sick is never eating again. I'm not less than 100. I'm not purging (though I wish I was). I'm sure as hell eating. I don't know why I thought I could do this. I was stupid. I just proved (once again) that I'll never be enough. I'm not enough to be sick. I'm not enough to recover. I'm in fucking limbo. Not enough. Never enough. enough enough ENOUGH! Fuck this. I don't know what I want.

AS (AlwaysStriving)

This post is just to let you know that AS has admitted herself to an eating disorder unit. She has been there since Monday June 6. I am keeping in touch with her so if you have any messages for her, tell me and I will pass them along. :)

Here is the e-mail from her second night there:

Hey, guys.

So, here is an update for all of you.

Whew...I've been inpatient for over twenty-four hours and IT HAS NOT BEEN EASY.

I wasn't able to have the meals/supplements so they put a feeding tube in today. Not gonna lie...it hurt like hell. They said it would jsut be uncomfortable, but I was in a TON of pain. But, I know that I need it in order to start getting some nourishment again. Dinner was a little better...I tried to have a little bit more off of my plate and then they gave me the rest of the supplement required. I will be able to get off of the tube once I can have 100% foods and 100% fluids for an entire 48 hours. Eek.

Its pretty scary right now, and challenging, and a real emotional rollercoaster. It has been lonely but between all of the doctors and different types of therapists here on my team I have a truly excellent support system and I feel really blessed to have it. It has been slow getting to know the other girls since I've pretty much been in zombie mode here and they are all further along in their recoveries...many of them are looking at leaving here in a week or two...and I am not totally sure what kind of time line to expect. But, anyways, they have all been very encouraging and understanding and it is nice to be around people who are in the same boat as I am, although I am most definitely the largest person here! (Although they all think that, ha ha).

Anyways, I just thought I would send out an update.  

Alright, guys, I don't have much more to say. But, at the end of one of THE hardest (not worst, but hardest) days of my life, I can say that I am feeling more hopeful about beating this than I have before. I have a good team here. And, we'll see!

Be in touch.

Lots of love, and all the best,

AS

Wishing you the best of luck AS!

You're my inspiration.

recovery day 3

Starving myself will not make me worthy..worthy of love, worthy of acceptance, worthy of anything.
Starving myself will not make me beautiful.
Starving myself will not make me happy.
What will starving myself bring me?
-sadness
-hunger for something better than this
-hunger for nourishment
-death
I kind of wish for the last one.
I don't really know what good I get from all of this. It doesn't make me happy. It doesn't make me "thin". I feel just as fat, if not fatter, than before. It'll never be enough. I'll never be enough.
So recover you say?
I am.
Sort of.
Maybe.
Kind of.
Two meals a day. It's a step, right?
Stopping the green tea pills. Not right now. When I run out.
Scared, so scared.
Wanting to lose weight..still.
Can't gain.
Don't want to gain.
What about my goals?
Where will they get me?
A hospital.
Is that what I want?
Yes.
No.
Maybe.
Hell if I know.
So confused.
So conflicted.
What the fuck am I doing?

"how many shrinks does it take to change a light bulb?

none. the light bulb has to want to change itself." - On the Edge of Innocence

I just consumed 605 calories of sugar, fat, and carbs. Fan-fucking-tastic! *sarcasm* Other than my recent intake, my day was good calorie wise. I probably had about 1500 today total, maybe even a little less than that. By the way, squash is gross!
Better mood today. :)
It was hot outside.
Dumped wood.
Ran errands.
Almost crashed the car (well my grandpa did!).
Grandpa's blood sugar dropped to 38 (waaaaay low).
Ripped off my toe nail. OWWWWWWW!
I guess that's it.
Night loves.

a poem

This pain is lasting
My heart is breaking
Even further I'm relapsing
My life I am staking
One thought keeps repeating
"I wish I was dead"
I know it's self-defeating
But sometimes I agree with that thought in my head
This pain is too much
So I eat too little
Ana's my crutch
For when my dad belittles
He doesn't love me
He doesn't care
All he does is hurt me
Especially now that he's not there
But thinking back
I realize he never was
With every slap
And every cruel word he cussed
I'll never be worthy
I'll never be enough
Always hurting
Man this is tough
It kills me inside
Knowing he's gone
So many tears I have cried
I hope this pain doesn't last long
I wish you loved me
Because secretly I love you
But you don't know how to deal with me
What is there for you to do?
Your daughter is killing herself
Now for your affection
Debating if she wants the help
But can't stand her reflection
So conflicted, confused
Isolated yet not alone
Don't know what to choose
Wishing you'd just come home
But for now you're not
Therein lies the problem
Between a rock and a hard place I'm caught
I hate this place I'm in
Help me.

recovery?

I went to group today. (It'll be my last time going for three weeks due to driver's ed(ucation).) We all made goals for our eating disorder. My original goal was not one I really wanted for myself but it was a recovery goal nonetheless. It was to eat 1800 calories a day. That would be an extremely hard goal for me. So we set a more manageable goal for me: eat both lunch and dinner every day. It's day one and I've already failed. :(
I talked to my therapist briefly after group about my dad. I filled her in on the texts and dance recital. I told her how my dad makes me feel not good enough, unworthy of love, small, and invisible. I told her it made me want to relapse further. She said that he doesn't know how to handle my illness and that by getting worse, I'll just push him away even more. I also told her I think my dad only cares about me when I'm dying so I feel like if I take my ED to the point of dying, he'll come back. She disagrees. She says I shouldn't get worse because of him. I should use this to prove to him I'm stronger than this and pretty much say "fuck you" to him. It's nice in theory but implementing is a whole nother ball field.
I came home and ate lunch: Lucky Charms and chocolate cream pie. It was yummy. Then about 2 hours later I had a mini binge on Flaming Hot Cheetos, peanut butter, 2 deviled eggs, and angel food cake. Since I consumed so many calories in my binge, I have felt that it is not necessary to eat dinner. Plus I'm scared to eat. My grandpa offered to buy me a hot fudge sundae from McDonalds. You know it's bad when I say no to ice cream. I just can't do it.
Then my grandpa asked why I didn't want one and I told him I was upset about my dad. He came and sat behind me and started rubbing my arm. His fingers were close to my chest. Then he started massaging my neck. It was creepy. I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin and my lips burn again (even though he didn't kiss me). Ugh. I can't deal with this.
So recovery? I don't even fucking know.

recital

Woke up a little before 9 am even though my alarm didn't go off like it was supposed to.
Peeled and cut eggs for deviled eggs.
Scrubbed the sun room floor...with a toothbrush.
Scrubbed the kitchen floor...on my hands and knees.
Hung out on anabites for awhile.
Talked about my dad. fucking asshole.
Went to my little sister's dance recital.
Compared my body to the dancers.
They were all so tiny.
Some were tinier than me. (>_<)
Sometimes their ribs would show when doing certain moves.
My ribs show sometimes.
My sister was good, though she watched the other girls a lot.
My dad came to the recital.
Didn't say a word to me.
Mom confronted him.
He didn't care.
"I don't know what to say."
='(
fuck you too dad.
Family dinner for my aunt's birthday.
Anxiety.
Ate a little bit of everything.
Had cake and pie. fucking fat ass.
Finally finished catching up on people's blogs.
I've been bad about reading those.
My friend is drunk.
lol.
It's funny.
I'm tired.
Group tomorrow.
Anxious.
Too fat.
fuck.

stupid lasagna

My food intake today was simple: two light yogurts (200) and ultra lowfat turkey lasagna (265). I also drank a cup of Diet V8 Splash (10). So 475 calories for the day. Woo fucking hoo. Should have been less but my grandpa decided to eat dinner with me. Grrrrrrrr. (>_<)
I exercised for the first time in awhile. Don't know how many calories I burned. I did the Biggest Loser: Last Chance Workout. Anyone know how many calories that burns? I'll look it up later. Probably around 250-300 calories. Couldn't find an exact answer.
Cleaned the house.
Went grocery shopping.
Learned something new about my best friend. Kinda upset that she didn't tell me before now. Kinda upset that I wasn't the first to know (don't know what makes me so fucking special).
Attended Shannice's birthday party on anabites!! Happy Birthday my dear!! I'm eating cake tomorrow in honor of you!
Umm, my dad's still a dick. Hasn't talked to me at all since he moved out. Yeah dad, love you too.
Nervous about group on Monday. I wonder if they'll think I'm fat. I feel too fat. I swear my body has blown up in size by a ton. Grrrr. Although I have lost weight since the last time they saw me. Hopefully I'll have lost more by Monday. But I shouldn't lose more. I probably trigger them. I think I'm the skinniest one there. They are all recovering and here I am relapsing. I feel bad but I don't want to change. I'm not ready.
Umm yeah. I think that's all.
Busy day tomorrow.
Hope everyone is well.
Love you guys!

hi

Short day, yet long day. Woke up at 11:30 am after going to bed around 1 am. It was crazy. My grandma was worried because I didn't answer her first two phone calls. I was fine, just passed out. lol. I got my stuff ready to come back to my grandparents house but I chose to have my mom take me back so I could say good-bye to her. Plus I didn't really want to come back home. I'm finding I don't like home as much as I used to. :( Hung out on anabites all day. I love the lovelies on there. <3 Watched So You Think You Can Dance (SYTYCD) with my sisters. That was good. Left with my mom and little sis to go meet up with my grandparents. Met at Pizza Shoppe. Had a salad and two slices of veggie pizza. FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Feel gross. Feel full. Want to purge. Almost two hours later, I want to purge. fuck fuck fuck. Back home. Don't want to be here. Want to be back with my mom.
Pissed at my dad. Was upset a lot of the day because of him. He texted my little sister twice telling her he loved her. Did he text me to say he loved me? No. Did he text me at all? No. Fuck you too dad.

Old ___ Days

Tonight was fun. I went to Old ___ Days with my sisters, brother-in-law, and some of my little sister's friends. It was a fair with rides and games and all sorts of (unhealthy) food. Tonight they were doing wristbands which allowed you to ride any ride unlimited. So we (my little sister, her friends, and me) all got wristbands and away we went! Our first ride was the Ali Baba. The girls were all screaming even though it wasn't that scary. I'm afraid of heights (as is my little sis) so I was a little unnerved but that didn't stop me from having a good time. Next up was the true test of the night...the Ring of Fire! It's this crazy ride where you go around in a loop going both directions. (I'll google it to see if I can find a picture!) I was so scared on that ride! As were my little sister and her friends. My little sister was almost in tears but she got through it okay. We went on the Cliff Hanger. That is a three person ride and there were four of us. So of course I was the odd one out. I ended up riding with two total strangers. AWKWARD! lol. We went on the Ferris Wheel. I rode by myself. It was enjoyable. :) We got snow cones. We went on Zero Gravity. You are in a circle and it lifts you up and spins you around. We went on the Ring of Fire again, only this time at night! It was so scary but it was still a lot of fun. We got funnel cakes. (I ate way too much and felt guilty) Then it was back on Zero Gravity. Finally, the night was over. I had a blast. I'm glad I got to go. It was my first time at a fair where I actually got to ride the rides. (Usually I just go to craft fairs. 0.o) Well my loves, it is late and I'm tired. Good end to an okay day.

 The Rides...

Ali Baba



Ring of Fire





Cliff Hanger



Zero Gravity

my dad

is a fucking asshole. He walked out on our family for a second time. He didn't even have the guts to tell me. His explanation for why he was packing things into his car, "I'm cleaning". Cleaning my ass! Fuck you!

twinkle twinkle little star

I'm tired.
I'm always tired.
I'm kinda hazy right now.
Not really with it.
Going to bed soon.
Not soon enough.
Want to sleep.
Sleep forever.
Don't know what I'm saying.
Tired of drama.
Yes, you.
You = drama.
I = drama too.
What am I talking about?
Don't know.
Don't care.
Good night.

104

Allergies suck. I'm tired. I don't feel good. I just want to sleep, sleep, sleep.
Binged all day. All sugary foods too. fucking fat ass.
Therapy went well. Told K about anabites. She approved.
Felt like purging. Didn't purge.
Other people struggling. Want to help them. Can't help them. :(
Tired, so tired.
It's not enough.
I'm never enough.

title

Calorie intake was 910 more calories than planned. Total calorie intake: 910. Wow. I'm such a fat ass. I must say though that I did eat "4 deliciously yummyful Peeps". ;) Wanted to fast but I made a deal with my bestie Kristy that I would eat if she would eat. So we ate.
My therapist will think I am fat tomorrow. I can't blame her. Eating disorder? Yeah, right. Fat ass? That's more like it.
Slept most of the day. I was lazy and tired.
Allergies bothering me.
Feeling fat.
Tired.
So tired.
Parents fighting.
Going to bed.

Oh and I've been reading your posts. I just haven't commented.

The Beauty of Love

I want you to see
The beauty that's inside
Not the shell that shows
The impurities I can't hide
My outer appearance
Puts me to shame
I want to hide
I'm so ashamed
My body seems to be covered
In fat and scars
It's hard not to judge yourself
For the monster you feel you are.
I wish I was pretty
I wish I was thin
I wish I could love myself
From the outside in
Instead I feel hate
For I feel I am weak
Weak for having urges
Weak for having to eat
I know I'm only human
But I don't feel like I am
I feel like a monster
Imperfect, a sin
Inside I'm ugly
My heart black ice
Tormented and cold
Broken from the fights
The fights against myself
That I always seem to lose
Give in or hold out
Doesn't matter what I choose
Starving for perfection
Starving for a cure
A cure I'll never find
Because I'm too fucked up I'm sure
I don't see any beauty
When I look inside myself
Nor on the outside
Due to distorted images of self
Will I ever love myself?
Is the question I must ask
I don't think I want to
And with that I have no chance.

105

Wow fat ass. Way to gain 2.4 pounds in four days. Feel like eating. Not going to eat. Don't want to eat. Feeling fat. Want to talk to someone. No one to talk to. Eat? No. Feel alone? Always.

home sweet home

I am home. It was a long drive up and a long drive back, but it was worth every second.
I ate so much over the past 4 days that I'm sure I'm at least 106. I'd be very surprised if I gained less than 3 pounds, very surprised.
Saw all but two of my friends.
Had to see my best friend in the hospital. :(
I surprised her. :)
Didn't die of anxiety (even though I thought I would before my first meet-up!).
"You look well." :'(
Them: "How have you been?"
Me: "Good/fine/okay" (lies)
10/11 year old girls = ANNOYING!!...with no boundaries.
Tired, so tired.
Good night loves.

102.6

Like WTF?! I seriously kept the .4 pounds I gained yesterday? Freaking impossible. It's water weight. I'm retaining water. FTW (fuck the world!). So now I'm 2.6 pounds over 100. fucking fat as hell. My friends will all think I'm this big blob. They won't be able to tell I've lost weight. My therapist is going to laugh at me and say "you don't have an eating disorder. you can't even lose three pounds!". fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. But she'd be right.
I don't have an eating disorder.
I'm too fat.
Much much much too fat.
Must lose this weight.
Don't care about the hospital.
lose lose LOSE!
have to lose.
need to lose.
need to die.
No, no dying.
Need to stay alive and be punished.
Fat bitch.
You're the dumb bitch.
die die die die die die.
slit your wrists.
No, no cutting.
Seeing friends.
they'll laugh at you the minute they see you.
fat fuck.
fucking blob.
lazy ass.
pathetic.
i hope you choke on your food.
you deserve it cow.
I'm leaving in less than two hours.
shit.

17.5

That's my BMI, anorexic criteria. Next step: lose my period. Woo-hoo. No, I kid. This isn't fun(ny). This is serious. Why am I talking like I'm sick? I'm not sick. I'm fine. I could still stand to lose more weight. If my therapist is going to hospitalize me, I'm going to lose as much as I can. but i don't want to be hospitalized. Not yet anyways. I have things to do this summer. I need to take driver's ed. I need to learn to drive. I'm 18 and I've never driven a car. Pathetic. "You can't drive dead." I won't be dead. i'd rather die than gain weight. I'm tired. I'm bouncing all over the place. I can't fucking type tonight. I keep getting dizzy and lightheaded. I'm worried I'll pass out. That would be a sure fire way to get hospitalized. I don't need that right now. I'm tired. Good night loves.

I think

a positive post is in order. Have some pictures.

tears :'(

It's pathetic when you are trying not to cry in the restaurant because your grandma tells you have to eat more than a salad. It's pathetic when you text your therapist telling her you hate her but not telling her why. It's pathetic when you cry the whole way home because you feel so fat when you're almost at your lowest weight. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. i want to die.
I have a strong urge to carve FAT into my body (for the fifth time). I have a strong urge to take some pills and just forget about all of this. I have a strong urge to scream my lungs out because it's so unfair. Urges. Urges. Urges. kill me please.
I hope I haven't gained. I'm freaking out. I ate all three meals today. fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat. It wasn't by choice though. My grandma told me I had to eat a real dinner. She doesn't want me to lose weight. She wants me to gain. She doesn't want me in the hospital, but I don't care. I would rather lose weight and end up in the hospital than gain weight. I would rather die. I feel as if everyone's against me. Why does everyone want me to gain? I'm still as fat as I ever was. I see no difference almost 20 pounds lighter. So you tell me. What do you see? (PICTURES TAKEN DOWN)

it's never enough

I saw my therapist today. She was not very happy with me. She can tell I've lost weight. I told her I was freaking out about seeing my friends and wanting to lose more weight. She told me I was too underweight as it is. I started getting mad saying I'm barely underweight and I'm just fine. She asked me how much I weighed. I told her 103 (should have lied). She said if I lose too much more, she'll hospitalize me. That really pissed me off. I told her I don't need to be in the hospital because it's not like I'm dying or anything. I still eat. She says I'm malnourished. LIES!! I asked her if i would look bad if I lost 3 more pounds. She said I'm already too skinny. She said I would look bad. I asked my grandma if I lost anymore weight, would I look bad. She said yes. She wants me to gain. I don't want to gain. I want to lose. LOSE LOSE LOSE. I don't want to be hospitalized. She can't hospitalize me. I'm fine. I'm just fine. I'm nowhere even close to my goal weight. I'm still above 100 fucking pounds. FUCK HER! Fuck everyone who thinks they can keep me fat! I will lose weight. I'm not stopping til I'm 85.

103

Second lowest weight. 1 pound away from true lowest weight. 1 pound away from BMI 17.5. So close. Must lose 3 pounds in 2 days. I can do this.
Seeing therapist today. Lowest weight I've seen her at. Will she notice?

worried

My friend is out of the hospital (did you know that she was in?). She might be going back in tomorrow. ='( She wants to have a procedure done, deep brain stimulation. I'm worried about it. There are a lot of risks. I just want her to be okay and I guess if that's what it takes, then okay. BUT she might not be able to have it done because she suffers from suicidal thoughts. Oh and the procedure would be for her depression. worried and scared and sad.
I had about 475 calories today. Feels like it's too much. Should have had less. Shouldn't have eaten the candy. (I had two Rolos.)
Seeing my therapist tomorrow. Hoping to be 103.something. Hopefully. Maybe. That would be the lowest weight she's seen me at. nervous. anxious. fat.
People came and looked at the house today. Did they like it? Will they buy it? IDK.
My teeth hurt. I don't know why. They've been really sensitive lately. Wish they weren't.
Going to bed. Good night.

trivial

I'm sad to say that someone close to me has lost her baby girl. My heart goes out to you Bella.
Thinking about my "issues" in comparison makes them seem so small. I feel pathetic for struggling when nothing is really wrong. I don't know if you read my last post, but I am going to see some of my old friends this weekend. I haven't seen them in almost a year. I have lost 15 pounds (as of today) and I feel I must lose more. When I just thought about seeing them, I thought "I'm drinking diet green tea. I have to purge. I ate a yogurt and 45 calories of nuts. I have to purge." FAIL. What a fucking fail. I am a selfish bitch. Why am I so compelled to lose more weight? They won't care if I've lost weight. They'll be happy to see me (at least I hope they will). But I want them to notice. I want them to notice so bad. I want someone to say "you're so skinny!". How can they say that if I'm more than 100 pounds? fat fat fat. LOSE LOSE LOSE! I lost 2.6 pounds from yesterday to today (not water weight either). I'm 104.6 pounds. I just need to lose 4.6 pounds before Saturday. I can do it. I will do it.

going back for a visit

I'm going back up to Michigan (where I used to live) to visit some old friends of mine. I've lost some weight since the last time they saw me and I'm scared of what they'll say. Part of me is worried that they won't even notice. I want to hear them say "wow Amber, you've lost a lot of weight!" or something along those lines. I really want to restrict so I can lose more weight. I know I should eat but the ED part of me just wants to say "F*CK food. you need to be even skinnier." The question is, how do I convince myself it's okay to eat? How do I convince myself I'm skinny enough to see my friends? I don't know. I'm conflicted. My ED (I kinda laugh when I say that) is taking over. I mean I was never recovered but this is just really making it worse. What do I do? That's easy Amber. Don't eat.

stupid

ate too much. was doing good calorie wise and then just kept on eating. wasn't hungry. was actually full. but just kept on eating. lots of candy. too much candy.
group tomorrow. too fat for group.
fuck im too fat.
tempted to cut.
too scared to set boundaries.
more kisses. lips burning.
want to cut cut cut.
faaaaaaaaaaat.
fuck. fuck. fuck a duck.
good night.

does this make sense?

No, probably not. I don't make sense half the time when I speak, even less when I think. I'm just a little jumbled up in my head. My thoughts are twisted. I'm just a little bit confused.
Why do people want recovery for me? Am I really that "sick"? What is sick anyways? Certainly I'm not sick. So my view of myself is distorted. That doesn't mean anything. So I skip meals and restrict. That doesn't mean anything. I have disordered eating. I don't have an eating disorder. It's not like I'm crazy underweight. It's not like I'm on my death bed. What's so wrong with losing some weight? What's so wrong with not eating? I'll be fine. Nothing bad will happen. My organs will fail? I could die? No. Impossible. Want to know why? Because I am invincible. I have enough fat to live forever. There was once a guy who didn't eat for over a year because his body had that much fat to feed on. I could be like him. Not eat. Yes. I should not eat. I wouldn't go a year because then I might die but I could go awhile. My body feeding on itself. Maybe my body will eat away at my bulging stomach and thunder thighs. I could use a flat stomach and a thigh gap. Maybe then I wouldn't hate my body so much. Maybe then I would like how I looked. No, doubt it. I will always hate how I look. I hate how people tell me I am pretty, I am beautiful. They are only saying it because they have to. They are only saying it to be nice. I am not pretty or beautiful, hence my name. Just because I feel unbeautiful does not mean I would get surgery to correct it. I would love to get my stomach and thigh fat removed though. That is the only type of surgery I would do. I don't need to remodel my face. It isn't too horrible. I've seen worse. I just wish it was smooth and clean. I wish I didn't break out every week. I wish my hair didn't always look so greasy. I wish I had blue eyes instead of hazel. That would be nice. But it's all pathetic stuff that won't change. So I must accept it. Accept my flaws. I hate my flaws. They make me ugly, inside and out. What the fuck am I going on about? I don't even know what the hell I'm saying. I'm just going to go. Sorry for my nonsense.

fat?

had my massage. was almost too fat to enjoy it.
ate Subway for dinner. and Cheetohs.
fat fat fat fat fat.
can't wait to stop eating again.
don't want to eat.
ever ever ever again.
fat fat fat fat fat.
fucking fat.

the race

is over! I have officially completed a 5k!! Woo-hoo! Go me and my mommy and little sister! My little sister was hurt but still she finished. My mom and I clocked in together at 47 minutes and little sis came in around 54 minutes. My mom was freaking out though when we got to the finish line because we didn't know where my little sister was at. .5 miles into the race lil sis stopped running and said she was hurt and didn't want to do the race anymore. She didn't turn back though. She was a trooper and stuck it out. Of course my mom was like freaking out not knowing if she was okay or not. Lil sis was okay though so it all ended well. :) It was a lot of fun. I could have run a lot more but I wanted to stick with my mom. I feel fine. I don't even feel like I worked out. She was/is really feeling it in her knees though. :( Good thing we are getting massages tonight. :)
After the race, we went to a a restaurant and had breakfast. (The race was at 8 am.) Lots of people from the race were there. :) Then we came home.
I ate lunch a few hours ago and still feel like shit for it. I should too. I've been gaining weight like crazy. The scale said I gained 2 pounds between yesterday and today. I've had people tell me that's not possible but it still bothers me! So I'm feeling fat and wish I had another 5k to run. Stupid. I think I should go back to not eating. I'm not hungry so I don't know why I bother to eat. I eat just to eat I guess. Well that needs to stop. Unless I am hungry, I'm not eating. As soon as I get back to my grandparents, I am starting up again on the green tea pills. They really seem to help me lose weight. Although some people don't have those results. I also want to try acai berry cleanse. Has anyone tried that? I just want this weight to drop off of me. I was at my second low weight and I fucking had to blow it. fucking fat ass. Okay, enough of my shit. Might post later. Who knows? Until next time...

hunger, race, sleep

I've noticed that hunger isn't here. I eat just to eat. I don't want to eat. I'm scared to eat. I put food in my mouth because that's what you do. You take a bite, chew chew chew, and swallow. Time after time after time. I just want to starve, starve forever. I want to be skinny, feel skinny. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see. I want to weigh less than 100, less than 95, less than 90. I want to be love myself. I'm tired of living like this, living fat that is. I'm tired of eating. It just makes me feel like shit. It just makes me fat.
My 5k is tomorrow. Oh boy. There are some big hills. Not looking forward to it, the hills that is. I want to do this race. My first one. I'm not sure how I'll do with the crowd. I don't like crowds. It'll be okay. Should I wear my shorts or my sweats? Probably my sweats. Don't want people to see my fat jiggle.
Tired. So tired. Going to sleep.

vanilla wafers

are addicting. I probably had close to 40, if not more. That's 700 calories (140 for eight cookies). Then I had two scoops of baked beans (~140), two spoonfuls of potato salad (~80), and a mint chocolate ice cream bar (270). Grrr. This is why I shouldn't eat. I mean it wasn't a binge but it was more than I wanted. Then I had a bunch of milk, probably 120 cals. I had a Sunny D for breakfast (90). That was so much. 1400 calories. No food tomorrow. I definitely won't weigh 104 tomorrow. I'm sure I'll have gained from all those cookies. FUUUCCCKKKK!!!!! I need to throw those away but they aren't mine. It's okay. I'm only here for a few more days. After the race, I'll go back home and I'll be away from them. After the race, I'm back to fasting. I don't need food.
~~~~~
Today I had my final final. I have completed my second semester of college. 1 year down. 3 (or more) to go. I'm so glad this semester is over. It'll be nice to have some time off.
I'm tired. I want to go to bed. Probably will soon. I can't wait to sleep in again. It'll feel so nice. Ok well I don't have much else to say. Night loves.

104?

I know it's a different scale than the one I usually use so I'm sure this isn't accurate but my parents scale weighed me in at 104 this morning. Yesterday morning I was 105.2. Even after my binge I was 105.2. I don't understand. WTF happened? Not that I'm against it but is it possible? No, obviously the scale is lying to me. Plus I look fatter so I know it really is lying. I can't wait til Sunday/Monday to get my scale back. But if I really do weigh 104, this is my second lowest weight (besides 102). So yay? I don't know.
Haven't eaten today. Not sure if I will. Parents are doing ribs, french fries, baked beans, and potato salad. I wouldn't eat the ribs anyways and I don't like the type of fries my dad bought so it's down to baked beans and potato salad. I must admit I do like those but I still don't know if I'll eat them. We'll see.

the urge

was strong, stronger than I've ever dealt with before. I wanted to scream. I couldn't stop crying. I cried for 40 minutes straight. I felt alone. The urge so strong and me so weak. What was this urge? Purge. I wanted to purge. I've had urges before but this one was different. The emotional pain it was causing me was overwhelming. I wanted to tear at my body. I wanted to stick my fingers down my throat and rid myself of the enemy. (I broke my fast with a binge.) I wanted to be pure and clean. Funny how I say clean. Throw up is not clean. It's messy. It gets on my hair and face. It's gross, yet I thought it would make me clean. I called my therapist. She did not answer. She did not call me back until about 25 minutes ago. (She was in group so she had an excuse.) My mom was of no use. She put me down for eating "unhealthy foods" and told me I was being stupid for crying. Thanks for your help mom. I sort of hung up on her. I said "bye" though. I got through to my blogger friend after about 25 minutes. She calmed me down. She told me she binged too. She told me if I didn't purge, neither would she. It made me realize that I could help her while she was helping me. So it was a win-win. I didn't purge. Neither did she. So go us!
I think I plan on starting another fast. I didn't need to break it today, yet I did. Those bagels were calling out to me. jk. I was weak. I will go longer next time. No, I can't go longer. My race is Saturday. I have to eat. no you don't. you ran two 5k's without food and nothing happened. you'll be fine this time too. No, I have to eat at least a little something. I don't want to pass out before I hit the finish line. I'll fast tomorrow and Friday, eat a little bit on Saturday (I think that's also my brother-in-law's graduation), then go back to fasting. I liked fasting. It was fairly easy. I just have to drink a lot more than I normally would. I find that drinking something with a little bit of sugar makes me feel better. Yesterday and this morning I drank apple juice. I would have been just fine had I stuck with that. I know better now. I will wait until later in the day to break my fast or break it in the morning before I leave to go somewhere. That will prevent binging like I did today.
I just discovered something on facebook. My little sister thinks she's fat. She's 10, t-e-n. She's too young to be thinking all these thoughts. I don't want her to develop into me. She has enough of my symptoms of other disorders. I don't want her developing an eating disorder too. This makes me sad. She's probably 6 inches shorter than me, weighs 70 pounds, and she thinks she's fat. This poor girl thinks she's fat. Did I cause this? Is this my fault? Am I rubbing off on her?
Thoughts racing.
Head hurts.
Want to sleep.
Going to sleep.
Night.

Positives:
-It has been 3 years, 1 month, and 2 days since I last purged. =D

therapy

I was safe. I got through the urge okay. I was having urges in session though. I was so much as to plotting cutting when I got home but then I decided not to. Besides, the urge passed before I got home. So no cutting.
Therapy went okay I suppose. I'm not really sure if I feel any better. K (my therapist) agreed with my mom, saying that I need to set boundaries and mention how past trauma makes me uneasy being touched (if uneasy being touched = freaking the fuck out!). She wants me to set up a safety plan for when I tell my grandparents (mainly my grandpa) about the more restrictive touch rules. She's afraid I'll cut. I'm sure I will...at least I'll have a very strong urge. K said she wasn't sure if what he was doing was inappropriate or just innocent. (I don't fucking see how rubbing my leg all the way up to my crotch is fucking innocent!!)  I just said okay. I wonder if I will set boundaries with my grandpa. I'm scared to hurt his feelings. His feelings matter, mine don't. K disagreed. She did say I was justified in feeling uncomfortable. I guess that's good..
Oh and a lot of you asked about the DBT rule of her not talking too me after I self-harmed. Her reasonings:
1.She didn't want to reinforce the behavior.
2.She didn't want to "raise the high". (In other words, she didn't want to make me more manic.)
Random but there was a cat outside of her office today. He/she/it was cute.

*gulp*

leaving for therapy in an hour.
nervous, so nervous.
what if she doesn't believe me?
how can she after all i've told her?
she'll finally believe i'm a slut.
i don't want her to think i'm a slut.
that's what you are whore.
she should believe it.
i feel like cutting.
fuck i want to cut.
cutting before therapy is bad.
is starving myself not enough punishment?
no fat slut.
it'll never be enough.
you'll never be enough.
die die die die die.
i'm scared.
i don't want to tell her.
have to tell her.
can't tell her.
will tell her?
fuck im confused.

day 2

Successful. Almost complete. No food. Only 120 liquid calories. I had some apple juice and a Crystal Lite drink mix. The apple juice tasted so good. Ran a 5k today with my little sister's running club. Burned around 236. Subtract that and my BMR calories and I'm negative 1361. Woot! Go me.
Tired. So tired.
Feeling (sexually) dirty. Want to crawl out of my skin. My lips are rubbed raw from the urge to wipe them clean. My grandpa has become very touchy feely. He was rubbing my thigh (up to my crotch). My grandma had to tell him to watch his hands. He said he wasn't trying to "get fresh with me". Sure as hell felt like he was. He's also been making me hug him multiple times a day and kiss him on the lips (hence the urge to wipe my lips). I feel so impure and unclean. I want to cut. Carve slut into my flesh. Brand myself. Obviously I'm putting myself out there. slut. whore. tease. die. impure. dirty. cut. you deserve this. I knew this would happen again. you're bringing this on yourself.
Need to starve. Fast forever. Punish. punish punish punish.
Took my biology final. I think I did well.
Bought my books for summer semester. $76. That was more than my biology book. Ridiculous.
Tired. Going to bed.
No positives. Too lazy. Too tired. No positives.

Dear Eating Disorder,

I don't like it when you put me down. I resent food and eating because of you. I hate it when I judge others on body shape or what they eat. I'm fed up with having to look up and obsess over calories. I'm tired of being fat. I want to be normal.
I feel sad when I eat. I feel hurt because I constantly feel like I'm not enough. I feel awful because you tell me I'm a bad person. I feel disappointed because I always eat more than planned. I want to like myself.
I feel afraid of getting fat. I'm afraid of people are judging me and think I'm fat or eating too much. I feel scared because I'm not in control. I want to feel confident about myself.
I'm sorry that I judge others. I'm sorry that I hurt my family. I'm sorry for not wanting to change. Please forgive me for eating. I didn't mean to eat that much. I wish I was skinny.
I love you because you make me skinny. I love when the number on the scale goes down. Thank you for giving me control. I understand you want what's best for me. I forgive you for making my life hell. I want to please you.

(So this isn't really full of anger. It's more just statements. Oh well.)

fast

As in fasting. I didn't eat today. (I'm sure you all know what fasting means. I just wanted to say that I didn't eat. 0.o) I don't plan on eating tomorrow either. Possibly no eating on Wednesday if I can get away with it. Will probably eat on Thursday. Won't want to but I probably will. Three days of fasting should suffice. I wish I could do longer. I'll probably end up throwing up. I don't know why I do that. Sometimes when I go without eating for too long I throw up. It's rather annoying and gross. Bile is icky. I did drink a lot of calories today though. Probably around 215. I had a Powerade (200), half of a Crystal Lite drink (5), and a few sips of soy milk (~10). Could have been better. I wish I would have had a Powerade Zero but there weren't any left. Oh well. I burned it all off. I went on a 3 mile run/walk. I walked about .6 miles when we went to look at an apartment. So I burned around 245 putting me negative 30 calories. Then if you add my BMR, I was negative 1,286. That's pretty kick ass. I like being so negative. Plus I took a green tea pill today and I've lost .8 pounds since this morning. Again, kick ass.
Today has been a pretty good day (besides food). I read my final chapter and wrote my extra credit paper. It's a little longer than two pages. Hope the teacher doesn't mind.
I went to the eating disorder DBT group. I like this one much better. The girls were still all older than me but I seemed to be closer age to them than in the other group. I like this leader much better. It's kinda funny because she has the same name as the old group leader. I wrote a letter to my ED. I might post it. I don't know. It's an angry letter with love and understanding at the bottom. I guess I can post it. I'll do that next.
Tired. So tired.
I have my first final tomorrow. 0.o Nervous but not horribly nervous. I think I know the material pretty well. At least I hope I do...
Ummm, my buddy's still in the hospital. :(
I'm lonely.
Don't know what else to say.
Later my loves.

24 hours

I have spent the last 24 hours in a good mood. Well, I take that back. I was in quite the bitchy mood last night after my therapist told me she couldn't (more like wouldn't) talk to me for 24 hours. I almost took some pills (to get high). I opened the pill box and had a drink and everything. Then I decided it wasn't worth it. I just wanted to go to sleep. It took me almost two hours to go to sleep. Fucking pissed me off. Then I wake up at three in the morning and can't fall back asleep because my thoughts were racing about my therapist again. Grrrr. But I must say once I was up for the day (after 9 am), I started feeling better.  Actually, no, not quite that early. I was still upset. I told my grandparents I cut when I was telling them why I was in a bad mood. They weren't mad or anything so I guess that's good.
I cleaned my room..like dusted and vacuumed and all that lovely shizz.
Read two chapters for biology. Only one more to read. Final is Tuesday. 0.o
Worked a little bit on math. I actually remembered how to do some of the stuff. 0.o x 2493493579257979
My grandparents house is officially on the market. Did I tell you guys that I would be moving? Well, if not, you know now. We have to downsize. My grandparents can't afford the house payment anymore. It's sad because I just moved in and got unpacked just to have to pack up and move again. :( My grandparents have lived here for 13 years. I wish they didn't have to move. They wish so too.
I ate too much..as usual. My grandpa is buying me a hot fudge sundae. Just what I need. FAT ASS!!
My friend is still in the hospital.
My mom and sister are home from camping. My little sister fell in the lake. Classic. lol.
Ummm, I don't know what else to say.
Oh yes I do. I just want to say that I'm here for anyone who is struggling. I'm sorry that things have been so hard on people lately with deaths and self-harm. Makes me sad. I wish the world didn't rain on people who deserved the sun. I love you guys. Please stay safe.

Positives (it's been awhile since I've done these):
-I had yummy pancakes.
-I saw my mommy.
-I wasn't as stressed out today.
-I didn't OD last night.

fucking a!

I texted my therapist awhile ago asking her what to do when I felt out of control.
She said "Radical acceptance. Stop trying to contorl. Accept and go with the flow."
To which I responded "That's not helpful. it's a little late for radical acceptance. unless im accepting that on my 2 month anniversary of not cutting i cut. pathetic. the self-destruct urge continues."
"Sorry that happened. Do you need medical attention?""No im fine."
"Ok. Well DBT rules are that I can't talk to you for 24 hrs. Stay safe. If necessary, go to the hospital."
"Ok."

Thanks for all your help therapist. Glad to know I can fucking count on you. Maybe I should just do something more. Man fuck you bitch.

a poem

A sad young girl, alone and scared,
sits hidden in the corner.
Trying to control the urge
To not use the things before her.
"It's just a few pills.
It's just a few cuts."
The girl tries to rationalize,
But deep inside, the girl she knows
That what she's telling herself is lies.
She wonders now what should she do.
Should she pick up the blade and cut?
Or instead she looks at the pills,
Should she take a little too much?
This sad young girl, alone and scared,
Confused on where she's going.
She knows that if she gives in
The outcome is beyond her knowing.
With tears in her eyes,
The young girl cries
And tries to make up her mind.
"I don't care.
It's just not fair.
Right now I want to die."
With shaky hands and falling tears
The girl gives into sin.
She let the urges take control.
She let the monster win.
And as she lays there on the floor,
Her thoughts swirling in her head.
She realizes there were so many things
She should have done instead.
But it's too late,
The damage's done.
She cannot rewind time.
So the young girl lays there dying
Asking herself why.

tell me what do you do when it all falls apart?

I'll tell you what I did. I fucking cut. 3 lines on my hip. 1. 2. 3. Just like that it was over. Just like that it was done. No point in saying sorry because this can't be undone. Two months down the drain and for what? Finals that I know I'm going to bomb? Anger over being stupid in math? Feeling alone? Feeling hopeless?
No. I cut because I wanted to. I was simply too lazy to fight. I simply said "fuck two months. I'm going to go cut myself." and like an idiot, I did. How badly I wanted to cut my wrists. Slash up my arms and bloody up the bathtub. But did I? No. I was controlled. Yeah, so in "control" that I cut. That's fucking out of control. Is it possible to be out of control but in control at the same time? I think it is. I wanted to do more but I didn't. I stopped myself..but not BEFORE I did it. Therefore, I was not in control. I have lost it. I have motherfucking lost it. What's next? Taking pills? Maybe I should. No Amber. You can't take the pills. But I cut. I already fucked up. Why not really screw myself over? Because Amber, you have finals next week. Finals? You're reminding me about finals?! The fucking reason I'm losing my god damn mind!! Fuck finals. I want those pills! Don't take them Amber. Think smart. Be reasonable. Do you really want to blow your second semester? It's already blown for my math class! So I still have biology. What good does that do me? I needed math too but no, I fucked that one up. Man, fuck this!

DIE SLUT

I'm (not) okay

My therapist did end up calling me back last night. We talked for about 13 minutes. That's the longest time we've ever talked on the phone. She calmed me down and gave me some suggestions for what to do. I guess they helped. I didn't cut or take pills. Believe it or not, this is my two month anniversary of not cutting. That's quite the accomplishment considering the past two weeks. There have been so many times lately when all I've wanted is to be self-destructive. I've just wanted to cut, bleed, scream, overdose, purge, die. I'm not depressed. I'm just very stressed out. Finals are next week and I'm nowhere near ready. I tried to read my chapters for biology. I had to quit half way through because I couldn't concentrate. Then I tried working some more on my math review. It makes me feel so stupid. My grandparents just keep telling me not to get upset. That doesn't do me any good. That's like telling me when I have an urge not to do it but not giving me skills to get through safely. It pisses me off. They aren't helping. And now my grandpa is being all touchy feely. It's like get the fuck off. I don't want to be touched. He wants all these stupid hugs and kisses every time I see him. It's like leave me the fuck alone. Then he was rubbing my stomach this morning. It's like don't fucking touch me! Grrrr. I am just very unhappy right now. Great, urge to cut is back. Maybe I will. I'm tired of fighting.

help?

I cried today. I mean I literally curled up into a ball and cried, the overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and suicidalness taking over. I was hurting emotionally. I wanted to numb the pain. I wanted to end the pain. Instead, I reached out. I called my therapist. Even though she didn't answer, I got through it okay. I still feel the pain but it's not as extreme. I still wish I could numb it. I wish I could take it all away but I don't think I'm going to do anything negative. It's hard because right now I feel so out of control. I want to talk to someone but I have no one to talk to. My best friend is in the hospital. My therapist isn't answering. My mom is on a Girl Scout camping trip. My grandparents don't understand. Great, I'm crying again. I feel so alone. I want someone to comfort me and tell me it's all going to be okay.. I want someone to talk to who can actually understand. I wish I had a person in real life who I could talk to. All the people I could go to are unavailable. Makes me wish I had more friends. What would I say to them though? "Right now I feel like slitting my wrists and taking some pills." Yeah, somehow I don't feel as if that would be the most appropriate thing to say..to anyone for that matter. I really wish my therapist would call me back. The urges are coming back. Maybe typing this out isn't helping. I just feel really hopeless right now. I'm on self-destruct. I can't do this. I'm sorry.

one down..

three to go. Finals that is. I got a 94.3% on my Criminology final giving me a 98.9% for the class. Go me!! =D Now if only I could do that good on my other finals.
Didn't wake up til 8:30 this morning. I have to be at school at 9. It take an average of 20-25 minutes to get there. I got there at 9:06 so I guess it wasn't too bad but I felt bad for being late.
Wrote my letter of understanding for session. I actually think I did pretty good on it.
Saw my therapist. It was more like a show and tell than an actual talking session. We went for a quick walk around the block. I asked her today if she could even tell that I've lost weight since I started seeing her. She said it was the first thing she noticed today. :) No. :( No. =/ I don't know how I feel about it. I just feel like I'm not losing enough weight because otherwise people would be telling me I'm too skinny or I've lost too much weight. Obviously I'm too fucking fat for that. must lose weight. have to lose weight. fat fat fat fat fat.
Did absolutely no studying for finals today. I've been cleaning up the house for my grandma.
Want to know something great? I can read blogs again!! I was so excited when I saw the list of blogs I follow. Made me very happy. I missed knowing how people were doing. I tried to comment on everyone's blog but I don't remember if I did or not. Just know that I read them...finally. :)
I'm joining the gym at my school this summer. I can use it for a little less than two months. It's a good thing. I'm going to be there Monday-Friday for Driver's Ed so I can just do my workout after that. Super excited. Weight/fat loss here I come!
I'm fucking tired. I'm tired of being tired. I need to wake up. I kind of feel like being bad, like cutting or taking some pills or something...not enough to do any damage though, just to get high. I've been having the "let's get high" urge a lot lately. I don't know why. I've never purposely made myself high (with the exception of making myself pass out). Maybe I'll do that. Give me a chance to black out for awhile. I'm never out for longer than 30-60 seconds. I just fall to the ground and twitch. lol. No really though, I twitch. (I videotaped myself a couple of times. One time I even said something but I couldn't understand what I said.) So yes, maybe play the pass out game. Maybe take some pills. Stay away from the pills Amber. You can't afford to have anything bad happen the last week of classes. Sorry, you all must think I'm crazy. Having urges to cut and kill myself and now make myself high. What a loony I am.
Well I'm going to go.

Positives:
-I got an A on my final.
-I got an A in my Criminology class. =D
-I get to go to the gym this summer.