Wednesday, May 25, 2011

it's never enough

I saw my therapist today. She was not very happy with me. She can tell I've lost weight. I told her I was freaking out about seeing my friends and wanting to lose more weight. She told me I was too underweight as it is. I started getting mad saying I'm barely underweight and I'm just fine. She asked me how much I weighed. I told her 103 (should have lied). She said if I lose too much more, she'll hospitalize me. That really pissed me off. I told her I don't need to be in the hospital because it's not like I'm dying or anything. I still eat. She says I'm malnourished. LIES!! I asked her if i would look bad if I lost 3 more pounds. She said I'm already too skinny. She said I would look bad. I asked my grandma if I lost anymore weight, would I look bad. She said yes. She wants me to gain. I don't want to gain. I want to lose. LOSE LOSE LOSE. I don't want to be hospitalized. She can't hospitalize me. I'm fine. I'm just fine. I'm nowhere even close to my goal weight. I'm still above 100 fucking pounds. FUCK HER! Fuck everyone who thinks they can keep me fat! I will lose weight. I'm not stopping til I'm 85.

2 words from my listeners:

Lita said...

So... I calculated your BMI and at 5'4 and 103 pounds, you have a BMI of 17.7, which yes, is underweight, but it is not in the anorexic range (anywhere below 17.5). I am, however, with your therapist on the point that you shouldn't lose too much more weight. The lowest I'd advise for you is 102... but it's your life, your body, your choice.

Nikki said...

I'm not gonna tell you what to do cause it's your life, your body, ect... buuuuut please be careful, try to stay safe.

I know your freaking out about seeing your friends but it's not gonna matter to them (and I think I remember you saying you've lost since you last saw them so they're gonna notice anyway).

103 is a good number :) Not that numbers should matter... I just want you to be careful.

Love you <3 <3

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