Tuesday, May 24, 2011

trivial

I'm sad to say that someone close to me has lost her baby girl. My heart goes out to you Bella.
Thinking about my "issues" in comparison makes them seem so small. I feel pathetic for struggling when nothing is really wrong. I don't know if you read my last post, but I am going to see some of my old friends this weekend. I haven't seen them in almost a year. I have lost 15 pounds (as of today) and I feel I must lose more. When I just thought about seeing them, I thought "I'm drinking diet green tea. I have to purge. I ate a yogurt and 45 calories of nuts. I have to purge." FAIL. What a fucking fail. I am a selfish bitch. Why am I so compelled to lose more weight? They won't care if I've lost weight. They'll be happy to see me (at least I hope they will). But I want them to notice. I want them to notice so bad. I want someone to say "you're so skinny!". How can they say that if I'm more than 100 pounds? fat fat fat. LOSE LOSE LOSE! I lost 2.6 pounds from yesterday to today (not water weight either). I'm 104.6 pounds. I just need to lose 4.6 pounds before Saturday. I can do it. I will do it.

3 words from my listeners:

LilyZara said...

I'm so sorry to hear about how someone lost the child - I suppose it's times like these when you realise what really matters, and people would be equally, if not more, upset if something like that was to happen to you.

But, you shouldn't feel self and all because you're just focused on your weight - you can't help that right now because you're ill.

I hope things get better soon, take care hun', xxxxxx

Gabby said...

Be careful amber! Please, you are so amazing and beautiful and need not hurt yourself like this. Love you.

Shannice said...

i wish i could give her a big massive hug.
i want to give you a hug to.
i want to hug everyone.
loveyouuuu

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