Sunday, May 22, 2011

does this make sense?

No, probably not. I don't make sense half the time when I speak, even less when I think. I'm just a little jumbled up in my head. My thoughts are twisted. I'm just a little bit confused.
Why do people want recovery for me? Am I really that "sick"? What is sick anyways? Certainly I'm not sick. So my view of myself is distorted. That doesn't mean anything. So I skip meals and restrict. That doesn't mean anything. I have disordered eating. I don't have an eating disorder. It's not like I'm crazy underweight. It's not like I'm on my death bed. What's so wrong with losing some weight? What's so wrong with not eating? I'll be fine. Nothing bad will happen. My organs will fail? I could die? No. Impossible. Want to know why? Because I am invincible. I have enough fat to live forever. There was once a guy who didn't eat for over a year because his body had that much fat to feed on. I could be like him. Not eat. Yes. I should not eat. I wouldn't go a year because then I might die but I could go awhile. My body feeding on itself. Maybe my body will eat away at my bulging stomach and thunder thighs. I could use a flat stomach and a thigh gap. Maybe then I wouldn't hate my body so much. Maybe then I would like how I looked. No, doubt it. I will always hate how I look. I hate how people tell me I am pretty, I am beautiful. They are only saying it because they have to. They are only saying it to be nice. I am not pretty or beautiful, hence my name. Just because I feel unbeautiful does not mean I would get surgery to correct it. I would love to get my stomach and thigh fat removed though. That is the only type of surgery I would do. I don't need to remodel my face. It isn't too horrible. I've seen worse. I just wish it was smooth and clean. I wish I didn't break out every week. I wish my hair didn't always look so greasy. I wish I had blue eyes instead of hazel. That would be nice. But it's all pathetic stuff that won't change. So I must accept it. Accept my flaws. I hate my flaws. They make me ugly, inside and out. What the fuck am I going on about? I don't even know what the hell I'm saying. I'm just going to go. Sorry for my nonsense.

3 words from my listeners:

Nikki said...

its not nonsense.. its how you feel. and we're here for you when you need to get it out.

maybe when people say they want recovery for you... could it mean that they want you to be happier? maybe they think that "recovery" whatever kind it may be... will just make all the bad things go away for you... just a thought.

and people wouldn't tell you that you were pretty or beautiful unless they really meant it, although i know the feeling of thinking they're just saying is cause they have to. but if you kno that you have a distorted image of yourself, then to them... you really are those things, you just aren't to yourself. yet.

love you <3 hang in there. smile :) think of the positives in life.

SingSinatra said...

It is nonesense, but all we say is nonsense, all we think is nonsense... 90% of the time i don't even know what i'm trying to do or say & the other 10% i'm a jerk... nonsense is what we are and what make us unique, don't hate what makes you one and only one in this whole cosmos...

Recovey? what is recovery anyway, maybe they just want you to be free of all that burden of fears you seem to carry on 'ur shoulders... I think they want to see you happy...

I know the diet is a lot of eating i said that to!! like how i'm gonna eat 5 times a day! thats impossible! but the hint relies also in the time and quantity... you can try it a day and see how you feel...

Sleep tight, hoooo!! and i think hazel eyes are pretty good looking!!

XOXO

Lita said...

I agree with Nikki, its not nonsense. I understand every word. People think that not eating will kill us? No, EATING will kill us, the American society that loves to overindulge will kill us. But periods of fasting are actually healthy. Restricting has been proven to be healthy as well. You just don't want to get to a scary, unhealthily skinny weight. At least that's what I think. I guess I just want you to know that there's someone out there who understands exactly what you mean!

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