Monday, February 28, 2011

kicked out

So I'm sure my title has you all wondering if I was really kicked out and if so, from where. Well I'll get to that in a little bit.
Today was my first day back at school. I arrived early and talked to my teacher. I am making up a test on Wednesday. I have to make up today's test from my second class too. I just don't know when I am doing that yet. I was able to pay attention in class. I felt a little tired but not so bad that I couldn't concentrate. I went home for my second class because my teacher said I could make it up later since I haven't been in class.
Once home I worked on my paper and powerpoint. I finished those. I was like "alright! now I can chillax until mom comes to pick me up to work on my video." Well little did I know my life was about to be flipped upside down.
My mom had given me several tasks to work on. She wanted me to set up an appointment with Renew (an intensive outpatient for eating disorders). She needed to me set up a doctor's appointment to do a follow-up on some labs that had been done in the hospital. I also needed to call the hospital I was in and get copies of my labs for the doctor's. Well getting copies of the labs was a hassle. I had to get them faxed to the doctor's office. I was battling with the hospital because they wouldn't just fax them over because they couldn't verify that it was really me on the phone. So then I had to call the doctor's office back and ask them to fax the hospital asking for the labs. UGH, it was a mess. I'm not even sure if the labs were sent over or not.
I went down to talk to my grandma about what was going on. (This is when it all started going downhill.) She was confused because she thought at first that mom didn't want me in an IOP for my eating disorder. I had to explain to her that that wasn't the case. Then she was saying it wouldn't work and was asking if it would even do anything for me. She asked would I find out the reason why I have an eating disorder. I told her I already knew. When I went on to tell her, she didn't believe me. I got mad and started screaming. She was invalidating my thoughts and feelings. Finally I was just like "I don't know why I even try" and I just walked upstairs to my room. About 15 minutes later, she comes in and asks why I got all upset. She wanted to tell me she was "hurt". I was like "why? because I won't forgive your son?" She asked me if I was happy living there. I said no. She asked if I wanted to move out. I said yes. She asked where. I said my grandma and grandpa's house. I guess I upset her more because she left my room and went for a drive. Next thing I know, I'm getting a text from my mom telling me to pack everything up because I'm moving out tonight. I was like whoa, wtf? I started packing up my stuff and my dad came. He helped pack some stuff up and moved it out into the car. I was out of there by 4:45 this evening. I hadn't even lived there for half a week before I got kicked out. I know I said I wanted to move out, but I didn't mean right that very second. I figured I'd move out on the weekend. But nope! I moved out the very same day. My dad is all pissed off at me now. Oh well. He can go shove it.
When my mom got off work, she moved me back to my grandma and grandpa's. I might be switching into a different (bigger) room than where I had been staying though. I must say that I have a lot of crap. I mean a lot of crap. I'm glad to be over here though. I feel more comfortable and more supported here. I guess it all worked out in the end.
Well, it's only 8:36 but I am worn out. I'm going to go to bed. I'm sorry that I still haven't read anyone's blogs. I will get on that soon, I promise! Night loves.

Sunday, February 27, 2011


aka Down Syndrome. That is what my paper is on. This is the fourth time I've changed my mind on what it would be on. Although, it was my orignial idea. 0.o I have been working on this paper since about 2 this afternoon. I am on paragraph 5 of 7 and it is 8:36 pm. I'm so tired I'm going to go to bed after I type this. Stupid Abilify. I woke up this morning around 10:20 and ate breakfast. I was back in bed by 11. I have got to find a way to fight the sleepiness. I have to go to school. I have to find a way to function. If I don't go to school, I don't know what I would do with my time. I would have no purpose. I need a purpose. I can't afford to drop out. My grandma still isn't being supportive about school. I think I made the wrong decision about where I want to live. She is still trying to force me to eat. I can't stand it here. I want to go back to my grandma and grandpa's. I'm giving this place a week and if it doesn't get better, I'm out. I can't stand living here and I've only been here 3 nights! Pathetic. Tomorrow I am starting off my new diet. I am going back to calorie counting and portion control. I want to lose weight. I am too fat, much too fat. I was down to 102. I'm back up to 110. Gross disgusting fat. It doesn't help that I haven't been weighing myself before I eat. I will tomorrow though. I am not eating breakfast. I'll fake it. Well I'm tired. Good night.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

drug-induced sleepiness

I am so motherfucking tired right now. My grandma decided she was going to wake me up at 7 this morning so I could take my meds. I was like "seriously? it's 7 o'clock in the morning and you are waking me up to take my fucking meds?!" I thought that anyways. I was pretty pissed. It's Saturday. I should be able to sleep in til 9 am and not worry about anything. I don't have to take my meds right at 7. It's like shit woman, let me fucking sleep! So I woke up and took my meds, ate breakfast, showered, and went right back to sleep. This new medication, Abilify, knocks me on my ass. I feel so fucking tired all the time. My grandma loves to inform me of how much of a problem this is going to be for school. It's like shut the fuck up. I don't care if I'm so tired I can barely function. I am going back to school if it kills me.
Other than that, my day went really well. I spent the whole day with my mom. We went to IHOP for lunch. I had the Cinn-a-stack pancakes. I ate half then saved the other half for tomorrow. We went to my grandma and grandpa's house to pick up my stuff. I had a lot of stuff over there. We hung out with my grandparents for awhile listening to The Kingston Trio. The Merry Minuet
After that we went to Wal-Greens to look for toe socks. They didn't have any. :( We went to my older sister's house to pick up my little sister. My mom and little sisster had their massage while I read a book. We went out to dinner with my older sister. Now I am home typing this. I am afraid I won't be reading anyone's blogs tonight. I have to get started on my homework. I have a presentation/powerpoint/paper due first thing in the morning on Tuesday so I have to get started on that. I'll get caught up soon, I promise!

Friday, February 25, 2011

and she lived...

not happily ever after, but she lived. I lived.
Yes, it is I, the great unbeautiful, back from the (almost) dead. I am sorry it has been so long. I was just released today from the hospital, the psychiatric hospital I should say. I'm sure you all are wondering what the hell happened to me. This is what happened:
On 2/15/11, I sat up and waited for my grandparents to fall asleep. They went to bed shortly before midnight. It was shortly after midnight that I stole the bottle of pills and ran away, leaving a suicide note behind on my pillow. I walked outside in my pj pants, a shirt, a light jacket, and tennis shoes in below freezing weather. I walked a couple miles under the light of the moon. I went into some woods. I sat down on the wet ground and took the pills. I was crying and screaming at God. After a few minutes I calmed down. I laid down on the ground and hoped to fall asleep. What happened next is kind of a a blur. I don't really remember what happened but this next part is what I've been told what happened. My grandparents awoke the next morning to find me missing. They called the cops and then called the rest of my family. A huge search party went out for me, search dogs included. I was even on the news. (When I found that out I was like greeeat..not!) People were calling me and texting me trying to get me to respond. I wouldn't answer. I got a call from my mom's friend's son who is in the National Guard. I actually talked to him. After talking to him, I talked to my mom and dad. My mom kept telling me to make sounds and walk towards the voices. (I guess I had been moving away from them.) I was found around 5 pm on 2/16/11. They had to cut trees to get to me. I was taken to the emergency room and was then transferred to the intensive care unit. I had high levels of toxins in my blood stream. I was sore and stiff from the muscle break down that had occurred from me lying in one position for too long. I was in ICU until 2/18/11 when I was transferred to an adult psychiatric facility. I worked my program there and was discharged today.
That's the short version of the story. I guess I'll fill you in on a few more details. I had family come in from out of town to visit me. I scared a lot of people. I barely ate anything when I was first in the hospital. I weighed less than 102 in the psych ward. I was put on Remeron, a medication with the known side effect of increased appetite and weight gain. I'm sure I gained at least 3 pounds back. I almost purged for the first time in almost 3 years. I made friends with a 33 year old guy. (I know that sounds creepy but it's really not like that.) Now I am home at my grandma and great grandma's house. I'm not really sure how I feel. I'm glad to be out but I'm not glad to be here (as in this house). I'm still not sure if I want to be dead. I just don't feel as depressed right now. I'm kind of scared that I will start feeling that way again. I guess I will worry about that when the time comes. Well, it's 8 pm and I am tired as hell. I will have my laptop back tomorrow so I will start catching back up on blogs then. Thank you so much for the support and I'm really sorry I scared you. I'm doing better now. :) I will talk to you guys tomorrow. Love you all!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


I am stupid, so motherfucking STUPID! I saw my therapist today like I do every Tuesday. Today was different. Today I was fucked up on caffeine. My heart was flipping out and I was shaking so bad. When I went upstairs with Kindra, I was so out of it. I was anxious. She had me do some mindful coloring. I colored outside the lines and then I scribbled all over the paper. I was mad because it wasn't perfect. I just said fuck it. I think Kindra was a bit surprised or something. I decided I would just draw on the back instead. I asked Kindra what to draw and she said to draw a bunny. It was a chubby bunny (I labeled it that in black marker later in the session). We were talking and I told her about my cutting on the 9th. She wanted me to fill out a diary card. I got so pissed when she put it down on my lap. I started crying and shaking uncontrollably. I was so mad. I wanted to scream and throw the diary card and her pen back in her face. I wanted to scribble all over it with the yellow marker I had in my hand. Did I? No. I just cried and freaked out. I kept saying "something isn't right" over and over. Kindra kept trying to get me to calm down. I was hyperventilating and shaking head to toe. Finally I calmed down. Things proceded to go downhill from there. I went on to tell her I was actively suicidal. There I was just sitting there spilling out my thoughts of how I want to die and how it's not fair that people are keeping me alive. I told her about feeling crazy because everything in my past that I think happened supposedly never did. I told her I hate my life but I have no reason to. I let out everything. I told her I had a plan. I told her I just need that one thing and then I'm gone. She wanted me to tell her what that one thing was. I laughed in her face. I might have been stupid in telling her I was suicidal but I was not going to be stupid and tell her my plan. If I told her, then I never would get to do it. She would have told my parents. No. I would not let that happen. I told her I have a back-up plan. I refused to tell her what that was. She threatened me with the hospital. I told her I would bs my way out. I also told her that I would be safe for the rest of this week. I told her I would call her tomorrow and Thursday. I think I lied. I think I'm not going to be safe. I'm am plotting to steal some more pills in the middle of the night and run away. I will run far enough away from the house that no one will find me in time. I will hide and take those pills. I will die. I will motherfucking DIE. BUT it is a not so set in stone plan. It depends on if my grandparents are in bed by midnight. If they are, then it's bye-bye Amber. If not, then I am safe for one more fucking night. I'm sorry for whatever happens tonight. If I don't post tomorrow, assume the worst. So I guess if all goes well tonight, this is good-bye. If this is my last post, I want to thank each and every one of you for reading and supporting me the best you could. I want to apologize for leaving you and hurting you. I want you to know that I love you guys so much and that you mean so much to me. So if this is it, good-bye.

Monday, February 14, 2011

more pills

only this time, they are the bad ones. I now have a combination of 4 different pills to take. Granted I only a couple of pills of each (not including the Triple C), but I think a combination overdose will do quite nicely. I don't plan on doing it yet. Overdosing comes as a last result. I want to buy a gun first. If that fails, well then PLAN B. Come to think of it, maybe I should call it Plan O. ;) Sorry, I know this is no joking matter. I wish I was joking. However, I am not. I am very serious. If I thought I could steal more pills from my grandparents, I would. However, I do not want them to know I am taking their pills. That would be bad. So for now I play it safe. Take a few pills at a time. I will probably steal more of my grandpa's Percocet when he gets his new bottle. His old one is running low. I want to grab them when there is less chance he will notice. I also don't want him to run out before he gets new ones. I don't want him to be in pain. Whoa whoa whoa. This is one fucked up post. I am seriously fucked up in the head. Who the hell steals their family's (grandparents!!) pills? I feel like a fucking drug addict. I am not. I am just fucking sick in the head. Selfish bitch. I hope I do die because I am such a fucking low-life that doesn't deserve to live.
I'm going to rant about something else now. Same topic of suicide but different issue.
I am so fucking sick and tired of always hearing "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." (no offense to those who have said it to me). Every time I hear it I want to scream FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU!!!!!!! Of course I don't (at least not out loud) but man am I screaming it in my head. Here is why it pisses me off:
1.A mental illness is not a temporary problem.
2.I have been trying to deal with said mental illnesses for over 6 years.
3.It is not getting better.
This leads to people saying "life gets so much better if you just keep waiting/working for it." It's like really? So you know what my future holds? I don't think so. I don't know either but I have a pretty good idea. My life has been going downhill since the age of 8. I am now 18. Sure I have plateaus but then the decline starts again. I hurt more now than I did 6 years ago when all this shit began! So please do not fucking tell me that "life gets better" or "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." because all it is going to do is piss me off and make me blow up like I'm doing on here. So take those words and shove them up your ass because I'm fucking done of hearing them.
Thanks and have a great day!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

the tears did fall

and I feel so weak. This is my mom's birthday. I should feel happy to be spending time with her. This is her special day. I feel I am ruining it. I feel so depressed. I cried so many times tonight. I am weak for crying. How dare I cry on my mom's birthday. I am a selfish bitch making her day all about me. I should fucking die. I cannot wait until I get my refund check. I can't do this. I want to die. I want to die so bad. Please please please let me die. I can't take this anymore. I don't want to feel depressed. I don't want to cry. I don't want to hurt. Please death take me away. Kill me. Please God kill me.

birthday dinner

fuck fuck fuck fuck. It is almost time for my mom's birthday dinner. We are having spaghetti w/ garlic bread and salad. Then for dessert we are having strawberry cake. FUCK. I don't want to eat. I have to eat. My mom's family is coming over. Too many people. Too much food. Too much fat. fuck fuck fuck. Kill me now.

The Last Time

This is the last time
The last time I'll cry
The last time I'll pray the words
Asking God to die

This is the last time
The last time I'll hurt
The last time I'll feel this pain
Because this time suicide will work

This is the last time
I'll ever feel this way
This is the last time
I'll say the words I say

This is the last time
I'll whisper to the night
This is the last time I'll breathe
For the rest of my life

tears won't fall

I won't let them. It's my mom's birthday. I should feel happy. This is her special day. All I can think about is how fucking fat I am. I gained a pound from yesterday to today. I don't fucking understand. Did I really eat that much? Maybe it's because I'm using a different scale. I just want to be skinny. I was 108.4 yesterday. Now I'm 109.4. fat fat fat fat FAT!! I probably shouldn't judge it by this scale but I looked fatter today than I did yesterday. I must have gained. My ribs aren't as obvious. My stomach is bigger. My hip bones aren't showing. My hideous fat is covering them. fml. I wish I wasn't thinking these things on my mom's birthday. I wish I wasn't still planning on taking my life. I read everyone's comments on my last post. They made me sad. I know I should feel proud but now it just makes me upset. I feel like crying. I feel like I'm falling apart. Why do the good feelings never last? I want to die. I'm sorry.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Phi Theta Kappa

I received two letters today (well picked up really) from my college. The first one said I made the President's Honor Roll for Fall 2010. I had a 4.0 GPA(grade point average). =) The second one was inviting me to join Phi Theta Kappa International Honor Society. It's for people enrolled in 12+ credit hours and have an "outstanding GPA". I guess that means I'm one smart cookie. =D School is really the only thing I'm good at. I felt so proud when I read those letters. I actually thought "maybe I should stay alive so I can continue to excel at school". I don't know. School is the only way I'm going to go anywhere in my life. School is really all I have. I will probably fail at a job because I can't handle social interactions. I can't attend college for the rest of my life. I don't know. I'm sure you all will say "live for school!" but I don't want to live for an education. I want to live because I enjoy life, not because I'm good at school. =/ I'm proud of myself but I make myself sad. All I have is school. I want something more but when everything's falling apart, I'm not sure what I have left. I just don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. I'm so confused. Yay for ambivalence.

too early

It is way to early to be up on the weekend. I've been up since 5 am. >.< I should be enjoying sleeping in. Instead I am on here at 6:35 in the morning. 0.o Pathetic. Ever since I woke up I've been dying to weigh myself. I'm trying to wait until I take my shower around 8:30 or 9. It is proving sooo hard. I have an obsession with weighing myself. I used to weigh once a day, twice at the max. Now I weigh in the morning undressed then dressed, after I eat anything or sometimes if I feel like I'm hungry, after almost every time I go to the bathroom, and then again at night undressed. It's rather bad. :( I really should only weigh myself twice a day (morning and night) but I just freak out if I don't weigh myself throughout the day. It's my measure to see how much I can eat. I get all upset when I gain more than 1.6 pounds of food weight. When that happens I usually gain or depending on how much over I am, I stay the same. I don't know why I am up thinking these things so freaking early in the morning. I would much rather sleep. I think the caffeine in the diet pills are keeping me awake too. I don't want to tell my grandma that or else she'll make me stop taking them. I hope she won't tell my mom I'm on them. Mom would be so pissed but I refuse to stop taking them. I wonder how my therapist would feel about this. I don't know if I'm going to tell her or not. Really, she can't do anything since I'm over 18. It's not like I'm in imminent danger or anything. It's not like I'm super skinny (although I soon hope to be!!). I'm still much too fat to have an eating disorder. Maybe once I'm under 100 I'll feel differently. Who knows? All I know is I want this weight off of me and fast. I just want to be skinny and beautiful, instead of fat and ugly. 85 seems like the perfect number for me. That is when I'll stop. At least I say that now. I hope I am not stopped before then. I will be so pissed if I am. I wonder if I'll get my gun before then. Hmm, serious thing to think about. I don't want to be found dead if I'm still fat. :(
Gosh darn it! I am hungry. I've been so hungry since I took those pills yesterday. I woke up this morning feeling hunger pains. It's like seriously? already? *eye roll* I'm not eating though..yet anyways. I'll eat after I take my shower. Maybe I'll have a waffle and some yogurt. On second thought, maybe I'll just have a waffle. I can snack on a yogurt when I take my afternoon dose of my diet pill. I'm going to try to take it earlier to see if that helps with my sleep. I took it at 6 last night and couldn't fall asleep until around 11:30. That means I've had about 5 1/2 hours of sleep. Way too little. Yet right now I feel so awake. Stupid caffeine. >.< I hope this won't permanently mess up my sleep while I'm on these pills. I require a lot of sleep. Maybe with these pills, though, I won't need as much. Oh goodness, I just want to go back to bed. I tried going back to sleep after waking up but I couldn't. Grrr. >.< I really like that smiley. Although really, it's not a smiley. It's an angry. ;) hehe. Well I'm going to go watch youtube videos. Until later!

P.S. I'm also going to post some new poems on my poetry page. Go check them out!! (please)

Friday, February 11, 2011

I have PILLS!!!

and not the bad kind, the diet kind. My grandma bought me green tea fat burner diet pills yesterday. I started them today. Unfortunately so did she and my grandpa. >.< That means I only have 10 days worth of pills but that's okay. I am totally loving it. I weighed in at 109.6 this morning. I weighed with my clothes on and was 111.2. I took my morning dose of diet pills. When I came home from school, I weighed myself. I weighed 110.8. I was like 0.o? I weighed myself twice to be sure that was what I really weighed. I ate some yogurt and a granola bar. I felt like eating more but I told myself to wait until dinner since it was already 2 pm. I ate some dinner and a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich. I checked on my weight. It was 111.8. I had gained a pound in food weight. I was like "ok, that's fine. I will still lose." Before I changed into my pajamas, I weighed myself again. (I know I do that a lot) I weighed 110.2. I was like holy cow! That's only .6 pounds more than what I weighed this morning. I am so glad I have these pills. I can't wait to see what I weigh in the morning!! The only downside to these pills is that they contain a lot of caffeine. I'm not a person who does well on caffeine. I never really have it. I don't drink caffeinated sodas or coffee. Actually I don't drink sodas at all anymore. =) The only caffeine I ever really take in is from tea. So I'm pretty wired right now. I feel a little funny but I'm sure it's just my body trying to get used to the caffeine. So yeah. I am just so glad I have these pills. I hope to soon be at my goal weight. These pills really seem to be doing the trick and it's only the first day. Of course I'll have to wait until tomorrow to see the true results but I'm sure it will be good! I'm just very excited for this. Skinny here I come!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

A cutter's lullaby

That's how many new scars I have. That's how many more reasons I have to hate myself. I don't know what it did for me. I barely bled. It wasn't deep. I wanted more and more and more. I told myself I had to stop. I told myself it wasn't helping me. Still I cut, I bled. I wanted to scream. I was too numb to cry. I have made my body even more hideous. I am ugly. I am a monster. I deserve to die. I deserve to rot in hell for my sins. I am fat. I am a failure. Suicide has never seemed more inviting. I just need the money. I just need the gun. Then it will all be over. I can't wait. Sunday is my mother's birthday. It will kill her when I die so shortly after her special day. Why am I like this? I am a bad daughter. Just another reason for me to die. I feel like taking pills. I just want to escape this feeling. I am relapsing. I am falling quickly back into my old self. How welcoming it is. First the eating disorder, now the cutting, and soon to be another suicidal act. I am falling. I am falling quickly. I don't know if I want to be caught. I am giving in, giving up. I will die soon. I will be free. I don't care what awaits me on the other side. I'm sure I'll rot in hell but it is a price I'm willing to pay. I don't like this up and down roller coaster ride. I just want a constant. Hell is a constant. Constant suffering maybe but I can handle it. I am ready. I want this. I want out. I want death. Please death come and take me by the hand. I want you. I crave you. Take me away.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


Today was okay. I did not want to wake up. I never want to wake up but I do every morning. I get up and go about my morning routine preparing for school. I arrived to school with 1 minute to spare. It took almost an hour to get there. Stupid snow and traffic. My grandpa's driving was a little scary too. Anyways, school went well. I was able to pay attention better. I think it also helped because my teacher let us out early. I didn't have to concentrate as long. That was it for school.
Next comes food. What did I eat? How much did I eat? How fat am I going to be tomorrow? I ate pancakes, fruit by the foot, spaghetti with turkey meat sauce, peanuts, corn bread, dipped peanut granola bar. I ate and ate and ate. I am fat and gross and disgusting. I am a monster. I consume food as the food consumes me. I am trapped in this fat shell. I just want out. I want to claw my way out of this mess of a girl. Am I even a girl? No. I am merely a monster. A fat disgusting selfish ugly crazy monster. I hate me. I want to die. I already fucked up three months of no cutting. It's only been two days. I think I'll cut now. Kill the monster a little more.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Sorry about my mood swing yesterday. It was a rough day. I ended up cutting for the first time in almost 3 months. It was stupid. There really was no reason. The urge wasn't even strong. I just snapped I guess. My cuts were weak and superficial, just like me. I ended up punching the mirror (thankfully I didn't break it!) and hurt my finger. I broke down and told my grandparents. I told my mom. Telling my mom almost got us into a fight. It was mainly because I'm a dumb ass who doesn't want to accept help. That leads me to today.
Today was good I suppose. The morning was actually pretty great. =) I had my biology lab. We were looking at the cells of different plants and an animal cell. (The animal cell was really human cheek tissue 0.o). I had a hard time with the microscope but I was able to get it to work with some help from one of my lab partners (there are 4 of us at a table). There were a few different types of plant cells: onion, red pepper, potato, and elodea. I picked elodea which is just like a water plant I guess. So I picked off a leaf and put it on the slide, dropped some water on top, and covered it with the cover slip. Once adjusted on the microscope, I looked into it. Now I just want to say that this is really hard to do with glasses. 0.o As I was looking, I thought I saw like a silverish blob thing moving around. I just figured it was an air bubble. Well, turns out what I thought was an air bubble was really a (drum roll please....) PROTIST!! I had found another living being on my elodea!! It was so cool. It wasn't just one either. There were several of them! It was sweet!!! Yes, I'm a nerd but I love science and it was so cool! =D x 2194983748379587209358989890 hehehehe. The rest of my school day went well. Nothing too exciting in lecture or math.
That leads me to my therapy session. It was very strange. I was kind of anxious about meeting with my therapist since I would have to tell her that I cut. We went upstairs to her office. I grabbed one of the bears (she brought them in for me!!) and sat down. I handed her my diary card. That's when we started to discuss my cutting from yesterday (Monday). She wanted me to break it down bit by bit. What was the event? What was the feeling? What were the thoughts? What was your body doing? and so on. As I was talking to her, I actually told her about my blog. I didn't tell her what is in it. I just told her I had been venting my frustrations and then typing out my sadness. Anyways, I started to dissociate as I was talking to her. I started slowly slipping away mentally. I was still physically there but it was like I was detached from reality. I was asking her weird questions like  "do you think I should quit therapy?". She said she would support me if that's what I decided to do. I told her that my family wouldn't like it if I did that. I told her I didn't want to change. I told her all the things I really think but it was all so distant. I wasn't even there. I even told her I'm not in the best state of mind. I don't know if I meant then or altogether. I guess a bit of both would be the case. She said then if I'm not in a good state of mind, then I shouldn't be making such big decisions. I just shut down and stopped talking. We were quiet for a few minutes. I guess I was pretty out of it because she asked me if I was there with her, was I awake. I answered "no, yes, sort of, maybe." I didn't know if I was or not. She suggested we play a game. We played Uno. I forgot to mention that the whole time we were talking, I was playing with the scarf on the bear's neck. It was all I could focus on. It was like I was hypnotized. It was really weird.
Anyways, after individual session I had group. We had like four new people in an already over-crowded room. I had to sit on the floor along with two other people. 0.o We actually have a guy in our group now. He is also 18. 0.o He was attractive but I'm not attracted to him. Hmm. Will I ever be attracted to anyone? I feel like an emotionless, loveless self-absorbed bitch. Who knows? Group was good I suppose. I was much more with it. We listened to a song when we split up into kids and parents. Here is a link.
You Are More- Tenth Avenue North
It's a good, positive Christian song. I'm not one for God but it's a good song nonetheless. :)
After group, my grandparents and I went to IHOP. I was much more controlled at dinner tonight. I ate about 1/2 my pancakes and boxed the rest up for later. I only drank 1 hot chocolate with 2 waters. I did good. It tasted good. I enjoyed it. :) I still felt a little guilty though but it wasn't overwhelming.
Okay, well so far I haven't read anyone's blogs since my last post yesterday but I promise I will tomorrow when it's not so late. Good night guys! Love!!

P.S. Glitch-I loved the quote. :)

Monday, February 7, 2011

You win world.

You officially broke me. Three months down the drain and for what? A pathetic moment of weakness. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. Why did I give in? Why am I so weak? If I didn't want to die before, I really want to die now.

amazing isn't it?

How just like that my mood swings up or I guess in this case, falls down. I was on facebook reading through my friends' posts. It stabbed me in the heart. I have this aching hole inside of me. Friends? I call them friends? None of them even know me. They don't even talk to me unless I talk to them. Sometimes even then they don't talk to me. I am worthless. I am a nobody. I deserve nobody. Why don't I just say fuck it all and end it? No one would care. None of my Michigan "friends" would even know. I'm already dead to them. They've done forgotten my name. They've already forgotten me. That's pretty easy to do considering I was never in their minds to begin with. I'm invisible, fucking invisible, and you know what? It fucking HURTS. It hurts like hell. When will this be over?

excuse me but...



I don't really know who that is directed to. Actually, I do but it's rather unimportant as to who they are. There is so much I wish I could write. I don't really know what to write. I'm pissed off, but you never would have guessed that, right? I feel like screaming and punching things. I feel like gashing up my arms and letting my blood scream to the world YOU WON! Yeah, well I'm not going to do those things. I'm going to sit here in my anger and boil myself inside out. If my grandparents weren't home, I would probably be screaming at my laptop just like I did yesterday. (It got quite ugly too.) Why all this pent up anger? Well, I don't really know if I could say. I'll just say this, some people say things that, no matter how they meant them, just pisses me off to no end. I don't like being challenged, especially not about this. I feel like I have to prove myself to this person. I have to prove how serious I am. Don't you dare accuse me of something like that! Don't you know I will just prove you wrong? You fucked with the wrong person. The bitch is out and the bitch is going to fight back.


Sunday, February 6, 2011

Super Bowl

Today was the Super Bowl. Woo! Go American football. I was rooting for the Green Bay Packers with my mom. My grandma and little sister were against us voting for the Pittsburg Steelers. So, guess who won...Drum roll please.........Super Bowl 45 Champions are the GREEN BAY PACKERS!!! Woooo! YAY! Go Packers!! lol. I don't really even like football that much. I knew nothing about either team. The only reason why I wanted the Packers to win was because my estranged sister wanted the Steelers to win. Wow, I'm a bitch. So with the Super Bowl comes food. Today has been a day full of binging. It started off okay. I had 2 pancakes and 2 strips of turkey bacon. I was fine with that. Then my grandparents left to do some shopping and I ate the whole house! I just kept eating after that. I ate snack foods for dinner. It was gross. I'm gross. I'll probably have a pound at least tomorrow. Why do I have to be such a fat ass? You know what, it doesn't matter. I can do better tomorrow. Maybe I just won't eat. Wouldn't it be nice to be food free? Yes, it would be. I only have problems when I eat. Maybe I'll do a fast. I lasted two days last time. Why not make it three?

the reasons why.

Someone asked me why I'm so set on killing myself. Why do I want to die? Sitting here and thinking about it, I'm not really sure. I can think of reasons, but are they really worthy of death? Maybe not. All I know is that they are reasons to me.
The Reasons Why:
1.I feel depressed. I have felt this way for a long time. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. All I see is black, everywhere. It surrounds me. I just want to escape it. I want to be free.
2.My past haunts me. Everything that is real to me, everyone tells me is a lie. It can't be. It just can't be. If I wasn't abused, why am I crazy? If I wasn't raped, why do I still remember it? Why do I have all these memories? Why are they not real? Why am I crazy? I just don't understand. My imaginary past controls me. How would you feel if everything you thought to be true was a lie?
3.I'm a bad influence on my little sister. She watched me go crazy. She would see me in my fits of rage. She would feel my fits of rage. She heard the words, saw the cuts, felt the pain. She saw everything. Now she is turning into me. It's all my fault.
4.All I do is hurt people. This is when people tell me that by killing myself I'll be hurting them so much more. Now listen to me. Ever since I was young, I caused fights. I caused my mom and dad to hit me. Then I would report them. It wasn't their fault. It was my fault. I turned aggressive towards my family. I hit them, kicked them, scratched them. I screamed horrible words at them. I made them cry and I didn't care. At certain points in my life, I wanted to kill my own family. I was angry at my parents for hitting me. I was angry at my sisters for letting it happen. I was going to kill them and then take my own life, but I didn't. Instead I took all the pain out on me. I tried to kill myself. People said it hurt them. They said they loved me and I scared them. I didn't care. Their pain was my pain. My family tries to support me and all I can do is let them down. They want to see me happy. When I start to feel better, they feel hope. Then everything all goes back down hill. I disappoint them. I don't want to keep putting my family through the ups and downs. I just want to give them one last final hurt and it will all be over.
5.I hurt. I'm in pain too. It kills me to hurt other people. Deep down I really do care, it just doesn't matter. I still remember the harsh words and the hits and bruises. I still remember losing myself to this monster. I hurt because of this depression. I hurt because of this eating disorder. I hurt because of these thoughts, these intentions. I don't want to hurt anymore.
6.I just want out. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm tired of fighting to live. That's no life. I want to be happy but I'm not and I never will be. I've tried for years to get better. I've tried so many therapists and medications and placements. Did they help? NO. I'm tired of fighting. I just want to give up.
7.I'm scared. Scared of what? Everything. Growing old, having kids, being independent, meeting people, loving people, people loving me, failing, giving up the depression and eating disorder, and so much more. Most of all, I am scared of living. Death is the only thing I'm not afraid of.
8.Everyone would be better off without me. I know, that's a stereotypical one but I'm serious. What the hell does the world need with another insane, depressed, suicidal freak?  Why should my parents and family be forced to put up with my shit? I'm not changing. I'm getting worse. I'm a virus, a poison, that slowly kills all around it. I am just one bad thing after another. I'm better off dead.
9.Would you want to live like this? Always fighting urges and bad thoughts. Struggling to maintain the appearance of normalcy. This is no life.
10.Because I can. Because I'm a selfish bitch who only cares about herself. Because I hate the world. Because the world is all going to hell anyways. Because life sucks.

Are these reasons enough for wanting to kill myself?

Saturday, February 5, 2011


I feel like such a disappointment to you guys. All I ever seem to do is make you worry. I don't mean to. I can see how much you guys care and to be honest, it kills me. I know that people caring is a good thing, but to me it's bad because it means that many more people will be hurt when I kill myself. I hate myself for it. I hate myself for fooling people into having hope for me, for believing in me. All I'll ever do is let you down and I am so sorry for that. I'm sorry that I'll never be enough. I'm sorry that I'll never be what you want me to be. I'm sorry that I feel this way. Most of all, I will be sorry when I take my life. I'm sorry. What more can I say?

Suicide Lullaby - 2/4/11

Sing to me a lullaby,
the one that sings of death.
Everytime I hear it,
it takes away my breath.

I feel a sense of relief
as all my feelings drift away.
I fall into the words,
the words I always pray.

I feel the music inside me,
singing sweetly to my soul.
The music's taking over,
slowly losing my control.

Listening to the words,
I start to drift to sleep.
I close my eyes
and let the music take over me.

"Hush now darling.
Everything's okay.
Listen to these words,
the words that you will pray
right before you leave this world,
a soul free to fly.
Listen to this melody
that sings of suicide.
Of all the methods that there are,
it doesn't matter what you choose.
Maybe do a combo
and there's less chance that you'll lose.
Pop another pill,
break apart the razor,
find a rope.
You're doing yourself a favor.
Hold on tight,
for a very bumpy ride.
This path you won't regret,
the path of suicide.
So swallow away the miseries,
drown them in your blood.
Tie a rope around your neck,
then find a high spot up above.
Slowly your breath will start to stop.
You heart beat will start to fade.
Deeper you will fall asleep,
hoping for what you prayed.
As you slip away,
say good-bye to those around.
They'll find you lying dead
and then put you in the ground."

Friday, February 4, 2011

the day

was ruined. I ruined it with my horrible horrible HORRIBLE eating. I will talk about that later.
So as I mentioned in my last post, I went to see my therapist today. It went okay I suppose. We started our session late because she had to eat lunch. I simply thought she forgot about me 0.o but she hadn't. Like I said before, she was just eating her lunch. She scarfed it. Gee sounds like me when I'm binging (more on that later). In session, we went over my week. I talked to her about my urges to self-harm (cut) and what caused them. I told her that instead of cutting, I hit myself until I left bruises. I still have bruises from a week and a half ago. 0.o Anyways, so the first incident that this happened was when I went to see my psychiatrist last Wednesday (1/26). I'm not going to go into full detail, I'll just recap. The last two times I saw him before that visit, I blew up on him. I was already riled up on that Wednesday so I knew it wouldn't be a good idea to go see him. I stayed in the car until what do you know? Here comes Dr. M walking out to the car. Needless to say, he went inside becasue he was cold and I stayed outside because I was pissed. I started screaming and punching my leg. K (my therapist) was saying that I didn't really do much good sitting out in the car. My logic is yes, I didn't get my meds changed but it was better than blowing up on him and going back to the hospital. It's a win-lose, lose-win kind of situation. Then K asked how school was going. I said "I'm failing". She asked why because I had previously told her that I excel in school (which usually I do). I told her about my lack of concentration and memory. She suggested that it might be my meds. I was like holy shit, what if she's right? I'm going to be super pissed if it's the anxiety pill (Buspar/buspirone) that Dr. M put me on. That shit is for real messing me up. I think I'm having an adverse reaction because my anxiety has really gone through the roof ever since I started taking it. And now I'm having trouble in school. It's like what the FUCK? So then we talked about my "coaching calls" (that's when I call/text her for advice). I told her how it made me feel when all she did was just offer me skills. It's like sometimes I just need to talk. I don't always want to hear go do this skill or that skill. Sometimes I really just need to talk. So I told her that and she said "well I might not be able to have a long talk with you. I might have people over or be out somewhere." It's like I understand that. If that's the case then you can tell me that and I'll deal with it on my own. It's just hard because she's the only one I feel I can go to when I'm having urges. I'm too embarrassed and ashamed to go to my own family because I feel that I am disappointing them. I don't want them to see me as weak. If that means I end up cutting or whatever, then so be it. I just don't want to let them know how serious things are. But yeah. That was about it. Oh and I showed her some pictures I've been taking at my grandma's house. Some of are of some deer and others are of the sky. She really liked the sky pictures. She said I should make prints and frame them. I was like yeah, I should. It made me feel good that she liked my pictures. :) So I guess that was it for my session.
After session, things went downhill. We went to a Mexican restaurant for dinner. I was surprised to see they had a vegetarian menu. I ordered from there. I ordered a meal which included a chalupa, enchilada, and quesadilla. I ate all of the chalupa, 3/4 of the enchilada, and 2 bites of the quesadilla. Talk about a fat ass. I don't even want to know how many calories were in it. Then my stomach started hurting on the way home. I chilled on facebook for awhile before going out to watch old Superbowl commercials. (The Superbowl is on Sunday. For those who don't know what that is, it's a championship football game. I guess it's like the World Cup of football. I don't know if I'm explaining it right. In other words, it's a big football game. :P ) So yeah. I talked to my mom about nothing really. Then as I was watching the commercials, I decided I was hungry. I went and ate an ice cream sandwich. That wasn't enough. I proceeded to eat a yogurt, a Special K bar, and lots of peanut butter. My stomach really hurts now. fucking fat ass. I gained 3 pounds of food weight. I will probably be 110 again tomorrow. fml. Yeah, I'm a stupid bitch. Well, I am tired as hell so I'm going to bed. Good night.

*insert angry face here*

I am getting very frustrated about school. I can't remember anything! We could have talked about it in class 5 minutes before, but when we start answering questions, I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER!! fuck fuck fuck. I reviewed in both of my criminal justice classes today. I couldn't remember any of the material. I have a test on Monday. I haven't even read the chapter. I'm so fucking behind it's crazy. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why am I failing like this? School is supposed to be the one area I don't fuck up at. School is where I'm supposed to be perfect. I am good at school. Why am I slipping? fml.
Then I am frustrated about eating. I came home and I binged. I ate a lite yogurt. That wasn't bad. What I ate after that was. I had a peanut butter and honey sandwich (2 slices) w/ marshmallows. Can you fucking believe that?! What kind of fat ass eats peanut butter and marshmallows on a sandwich? They are bad enough alone, but together? Really? Grrrrrr. Then I proceeded to have a granola bar thing. I probably had 800 calories in that one setting alone. fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!!!!!
I'm going to see my therapist in a little bit. Hopefully she won't find me to be too fat. Oh yeah, I weighed 108.8 this morning. It was only a .2 pound gain. I'm sure it'll be even worse tomorrow. Fat ass. Well I'll pop in later. <3

Thursday, February 3, 2011

I thought

today was better. Reflecting on it, I realize it really wasn't. I had a rough night last night. I couldn't fall asleep and kept waking up. So I woke up uber tired. I went to school. I am waaay lost in my biology class. We have a test next week and I am so fucking confused. It might help if I actually read the chapters. That's the problem though. Even when I do read the chapters, I don't remember what I read or I don't understand what I read.It really sucks. I'm so fucking depressed and unable to concentrate on anything right now. Suicide is all I can think about. I find suicide calming to think about. I'm so far behind in my studies. I keep telling myself it doesn't matter if I fall behind. I'm just going to kill myself and it won't be a problem. It is a problem though. I'm still alive and I still have to deal with the real world. I just can't fucking concentrate or remember anything right now. It's really pissing me off. I feel so stupid. Why is this so hard? What's worse is I pay more attention in my algebra class than I do in biology. It's stupid because I already know how to do the algebra. Why can't I focus on where I need to the most? Grrr. >.<
Reflecting on my eating, horrible. horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE! I did ok at first. I didn't have anything to eat until around 5 pm. I ate a serving of Jell-o w/ fruit mixed in. It was kind of weird because it was two flavors mixed together, but it was still good. Then came dinner: sweet and sour (turkey) meatballs. I did good at first. I took a serving size of meatballs (6) with a spoonful of rice. I estimated it to be around 300. I told myself I was done. I was done. I thought I was anyways. Then my grandma offered me the rest of hers. It was half a plate with at least 10 meatballs and lots of rice. I told myself I was going to stop after a second serving of meatballs. But did I? NO! I lost track of my meatballs and then I just thought 'fuck it, you already ate more than you were supposed to, so just finish it'. That is what I did. I ate the whole thing, half a plate full of rice and sweet and sour meatballs down in my stomach with my dinner and jello. fuck fuck FUCK! I was so mad at myself that I wanted to binge. I really don't understand that. I just ate at least 1000 calories in my "second dinner" alone and now I want to binge? It's like WTF? Thankfully I didn't. Unfortunately, after all my eating today I gained 2.2 pounds!! slkfhjhfjhsa GRRR!! I weighed in at 108.6 this morning. 2.2 pounds will make me gain at least .6 pounds if not more. Fucking fat ass. I don't want to eat anymore. Tomorrow we are going out to dinner. Fuck. If we go to IHOP, I'll be screwed. It's my weakness. I will just eat half of my meal. No more than that. I will only drink water. No more hot chocolate. Water water water. I won't eat tomorrow until we got out. I will not allow myself to go above 110 this month. I refuse to. I don't know what will happen if I do. I'm not going to worry about that though because it WILL NOT happen. I am tired and hope to get some better sleep tonight. Until tomorrow lovelies.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


I still can't believe the responses I got from my photo journal this morning. It was very unreal to read all these people saying that they didn't want me dead and hoped I was okay. It was...touching? Maybe? I don't know. It was something alright. I just never really knew how many people cared about me. It's crazy because I've never even met you guys and you all care about me so much. It means a lot. If it means anything to you, I care about you guys too. =) Sorry again for the scare. (However, just because I am saying this now does not mean I am not still plotting my suicide. I still plan on killing myself, just not right now.)
My day was suprisingly okay even with this morning's first post. I was just posting what I made last night. I actually finished my biology homework that I should have finished almost a week ago. I should have done my algebra and reading for my criminal justice classes but hey, at least I got something done. It's a step in the right direction anyways. I just still can't believe how far behind I am getting. I haven't read any of the chapters for any of my classes. Well I've read half of them, if even that. I'm just behind. I'm hoping I don't have school tomorrow but I probably will and it will be COLD! BRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
I played some games on Facebook. I've been cooking in Cafe World every day for almost a month now. It's pretty crazy.
I watched tv with my grandma.
I took lots of pictures of deer outside of my grandma's house in the snow. OH! Did I tell you guys we had a blizzard here in Kansas? Yeah, well we did. There was a lot of bad weather all over the US. It was pretty crazy. ANYWAYS...I was able to capture 7 of 8 deer. There were even two bucks (male deer). It was so cool because that was the first time I had seen bucks around my grandma's house. They aren't very old though so their antlers weren't very big. It was sweet though. =) I'll try to post pictures tomorrow.
I rescheduled my appointment with my therapist. We are meeting on Friday at 3 pm. I almost had an anxiety attack about though because I was afraid I was going to be too fat to go see her. I don't understand. I've lost weight and I freak out even more than I did when I went to see her when I was fatter. 0.o I just don't get it.
Then comes the food. That's right, I said it..the f word. ^-^ hehe jk but really. I did really bad today in my opinion. I ate brunch with my grandparents: scrambled eggs w/ cheese, hashbrowns, and 2 strips of turkey bacon. I probably ate a little less than one egg, not even half the hashbrowns, and the turkey bacon altogether was 70 calories. I also had about 30 calories of lite vanilla soy milk. For breakfast I'm going to say about 200 calories. Shortly after I had a lite yogurt (100). I ate 3 Thin Mints (120). For dinner I had 1 1/2 servings of chicken and dressing casserole (150) and 1 spoon of cheesy broccoli and rice (75). I then had a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich (160), 2 Peanut Butter Patties (130), and one Thanks-A-Lot cookie (75). Wow. Looking back at my day, that was A LOT of food. Calorie total = 1010. FAT ASS! Well, at least it was a cool number. *eye roll* On the upside, even with all of that food I only gained 1.2 pounds of food weight. Hopefully tomorrow I will have lost a little more. I guess I should tell you what I weigh now. I weighed in this morning at 109.2 lbs. I am okay with that I suppose. It could be lower. It will be lower.
Okay, well I guess that's all. Thanks for all your support everyone. Love you! <3


I am so so so sorry for the massive scare everybody. I am okay. I am alive. I didn't mean to freak everybody out. I was just posting something I made last night when feeling very depressed. I don't mean to give you all false hope about me staying alive. I just want you all to know that for now, I am alive. Sorry everybody. I love you guys!


I have a problem.

It just seems like

I think about suicide a lot.

I have a question.

I hurt so bad and really,

I just don’t understand.

It’s like

I just feel so

Suicide is the way out, because believe me

I take medication to help me feel better

I mean really

I can’t help but to wonder

I’m so tempted.

Come on now.

It’s okay.


I know what to do.

It’s fate.

What’s going to happen next?

I’m going to do this.

I’m sorry.


Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I used to think that life was something more than depression and EDs and pain. I used to think that I was worth something, that I was worthy and deserving of love, of live, of anything. Now I know better. I know that I will always suffer from depression. I will always struggle with my eating disorder. I will always feel this pain and hurt. I now think that life is not worth living. I now think I will never be thin enough. I will always be fat. I now think that this pain will never go away, no matter how hard I try to make it better, no matter how long I fight. I don't want to fight. I just want to be free. I don't want to feel pain. I want to be happy. I long for a life other than this. I long for suicide to end this hell on earth. I feel hopeless, helpless, worthless. I feel depressed, suicidal, insane. I feel fat, ugly, disgusting. I don't want to feel that way. I want to feel hopeful, helpable, worthy. I want to feel happy, alive, sane. I want to feel skinny, beautiful, lovely. Why can't I feel those things? Why do I suffer? Did I do something wrong? What did I do to deserve this? No, stop. I won't throw the pity party. I just wish someone could answer my questions. I don't want the answers like "it'll make you a stronger person" or "it's all part of God's plan". NO. That is not what I want to hear. That means nothing to me. I want real, justifiable answers. Spare me the bull shit. I want the truth.

Eminem - When I'm Gone


I had a rough night sleeping last night. I was having some bad dreams. They weren't horrible and I only remember bits and pieces. One of them actually woke me up. I was dreaming that I had overdosed. I started choking and feeling weird in my dream. I woke up and I couldn't breathe and my body felt funny. I thought I had really taken the pills. It took me a couple of minutes to calm down. I didn't take anything in real life, so it was okay. I was just kind of scared. Then I had a dream that I was back on my period. Now it's really not a big deal but it was in the dream because I had just gotten off my period (in real life too) and a few days later I was back on it. I was angry and I was screaming that I was fat. In my head, being on my period makes me fat. It makes me think I'm too fat to ever have an eating disorder because people with eating disorders typically don't have a period. Since I still have mine, I must be fat. I must not have an eating disorder. Periods really drive me wild.
I also have these day dreams/fantasies/whatever the heck you want to call them. I envision myself going to my therapy session and doing something bad. I have scenes where I pass out from not eating. Lately I have had scenes of slitting my wrists in the bathroom during session, then going back in just to pass out due to loss of blood. Even more recently (ever since I got the pills), I have been seeing me overdosing and passing out during session. It's kinda weird though because in my head it's like I'm planning when to take them. I envision myself taking them before we leave the house. The scene plays out in my head and I realize it wouldn't work. I envision myself taking them as soon as I get to the office. That might work. I envision myself taking them during session. That wouldn't work because I wouldn't pass out in her office. I'd pass out during group. That would be very bad. I don't know if these are more plans than dreams or what the hell they are. I guess it's just me fantasizing about getting attention. I know that if I was to really do those things I would get caught and wouldn't die. So of course that means I must be an attention whore. Why else would I fantasize about overdosing or slitting my wrists in session? How stupid would that be? I don't know what the hell my problem is but all I know is that I should never do that. That's a one way ticket to crazy land. She might even refuse to see me after that. ='( That's what I get for being a crazy ass attention whore. Oh well. I'll be safe for now. No trying to kill myself at my therapist's office. I'm only going to attempt when I know it will work. I already have my true plan all envisioned. I will do that. I just don't know when. My mom's birthday is on the 13th of this month. I don't want to kill myself before her birthday. I don't want to kill myself after either. It's too close. I don't want her to mourn my death next year for her birthday. Fuck. When is a good time to kill myself? (Don't say "there is no good time to kill yourself". I already know that.) I just want this to be over. I don't want the constant battles. I don't want the depression that never seems to go away. I'm sick of this. I'll be dying fat but it's okay. At least I won't have to deal with this eating disorder shit anymore. I'm so fucking sick of this, all of this. I just want it to end. It will end very very soon.