Monday, February 14, 2011

more pills

only this time, they are the bad ones. I now have a combination of 4 different pills to take. Granted I only a couple of pills of each (not including the Triple C), but I think a combination overdose will do quite nicely. I don't plan on doing it yet. Overdosing comes as a last result. I want to buy a gun first. If that fails, well then PLAN B. Come to think of it, maybe I should call it Plan O. ;) Sorry, I know this is no joking matter. I wish I was joking. However, I am not. I am very serious. If I thought I could steal more pills from my grandparents, I would. However, I do not want them to know I am taking their pills. That would be bad. So for now I play it safe. Take a few pills at a time. I will probably steal more of my grandpa's Percocet when he gets his new bottle. His old one is running low. I want to grab them when there is less chance he will notice. I also don't want him to run out before he gets new ones. I don't want him to be in pain. Whoa whoa whoa. This is one fucked up post. I am seriously fucked up in the head. Who the hell steals their family's (grandparents!!) pills? I feel like a fucking drug addict. I am not. I am just fucking sick in the head. Selfish bitch. I hope I do die because I am such a fucking low-life that doesn't deserve to live.
I'm going to rant about something else now. Same topic of suicide but different issue.
I am so fucking sick and tired of always hearing "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." (no offense to those who have said it to me). Every time I hear it I want to scream FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU!!!!!!! Of course I don't (at least not out loud) but man am I screaming it in my head. Here is why it pisses me off:
1.A mental illness is not a temporary problem.
2.I have been trying to deal with said mental illnesses for over 6 years.
3.It is not getting better.
This leads to people saying "life gets so much better if you just keep waiting/working for it." It's like really? So you know what my future holds? I don't think so. I don't know either but I have a pretty good idea. My life has been going downhill since the age of 8. I am now 18. Sure I have plateaus but then the decline starts again. I hurt more now than I did 6 years ago when all this shit began! So please do not fucking tell me that "life gets better" or "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." because all it is going to do is piss me off and make me blow up like I'm doing on here. So take those words and shove them up your ass because I'm fucking done of hearing them.
Thanks and have a great day!

2 words from my listeners:

scared blogger said...

Aw huni take care, are you ok?
U are not sick in head, its mental illness, u cant help it, and it willget better, be strong

NightFlower said...

I do see what you mean.
I'm not going to say that.
It would however be horribly, horribly sad if you were to kill yourself. We'd miss you and I'm sure a lot of other people would too. You do deserve to live, you're a lovely person, not a monster. I wish I could say something that could actually help. I know nothing I say will change your mind...just please be careful. And I'm sorry if I'm pissing you off :[ xxx

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