Friday, February 4, 2011

the day

was ruined. I ruined it with my horrible horrible HORRIBLE eating. I will talk about that later.
So as I mentioned in my last post, I went to see my therapist today. It went okay I suppose. We started our session late because she had to eat lunch. I simply thought she forgot about me 0.o but she hadn't. Like I said before, she was just eating her lunch. She scarfed it. Gee sounds like me when I'm binging (more on that later). In session, we went over my week. I talked to her about my urges to self-harm (cut) and what caused them. I told her that instead of cutting, I hit myself until I left bruises. I still have bruises from a week and a half ago. 0.o Anyways, so the first incident that this happened was when I went to see my psychiatrist last Wednesday (1/26). I'm not going to go into full detail, I'll just recap. The last two times I saw him before that visit, I blew up on him. I was already riled up on that Wednesday so I knew it wouldn't be a good idea to go see him. I stayed in the car until what do you know? Here comes Dr. M walking out to the car. Needless to say, he went inside becasue he was cold and I stayed outside because I was pissed. I started screaming and punching my leg. K (my therapist) was saying that I didn't really do much good sitting out in the car. My logic is yes, I didn't get my meds changed but it was better than blowing up on him and going back to the hospital. It's a win-lose, lose-win kind of situation. Then K asked how school was going. I said "I'm failing". She asked why because I had previously told her that I excel in school (which usually I do). I told her about my lack of concentration and memory. She suggested that it might be my meds. I was like holy shit, what if she's right? I'm going to be super pissed if it's the anxiety pill (Buspar/buspirone) that Dr. M put me on. That shit is for real messing me up. I think I'm having an adverse reaction because my anxiety has really gone through the roof ever since I started taking it. And now I'm having trouble in school. It's like what the FUCK? So then we talked about my "coaching calls" (that's when I call/text her for advice). I told her how it made me feel when all she did was just offer me skills. It's like sometimes I just need to talk. I don't always want to hear go do this skill or that skill. Sometimes I really just need to talk. So I told her that and she said "well I might not be able to have a long talk with you. I might have people over or be out somewhere." It's like I understand that. If that's the case then you can tell me that and I'll deal with it on my own. It's just hard because she's the only one I feel I can go to when I'm having urges. I'm too embarrassed and ashamed to go to my own family because I feel that I am disappointing them. I don't want them to see me as weak. If that means I end up cutting or whatever, then so be it. I just don't want to let them know how serious things are. But yeah. That was about it. Oh and I showed her some pictures I've been taking at my grandma's house. Some of are of some deer and others are of the sky. She really liked the sky pictures. She said I should make prints and frame them. I was like yeah, I should. It made me feel good that she liked my pictures. :) So I guess that was it for my session.
After session, things went downhill. We went to a Mexican restaurant for dinner. I was surprised to see they had a vegetarian menu. I ordered from there. I ordered a meal which included a chalupa, enchilada, and quesadilla. I ate all of the chalupa, 3/4 of the enchilada, and 2 bites of the quesadilla. Talk about a fat ass. I don't even want to know how many calories were in it. Then my stomach started hurting on the way home. I chilled on facebook for awhile before going out to watch old Superbowl commercials. (The Superbowl is on Sunday. For those who don't know what that is, it's a championship football game. I guess it's like the World Cup of football. I don't know if I'm explaining it right. In other words, it's a big football game. :P ) So yeah. I talked to my mom about nothing really. Then as I was watching the commercials, I decided I was hungry. I went and ate an ice cream sandwich. That wasn't enough. I proceeded to eat a yogurt, a Special K bar, and lots of peanut butter. My stomach really hurts now. fucking fat ass. I gained 3 pounds of food weight. I will probably be 110 again tomorrow. fml. Yeah, I'm a stupid bitch. Well, I am tired as hell so I'm going to bed. Good night.

3 words from my listeners:

NightFlower said...

That sucks about the meds and everything :[ I hope it gets sorted eventually.
It's a shame she's the only person you can talk to :[ I mean you can always talk to us, but I guess that's just not enough sometimes.
I'm sorry you feel like your day's ruined, I hope tomorrow is better for you xxx

SilentNightmare said...

Yur binging is your body's way of telling you it needs constant nutrients, so when it gets a chance to eat, you end up eating a lot more or binging because a) your body doesn't recognize that its full anymore and b.) it doesn't know when the next meal is going to come so it stores up. Basically what I'm trying to say is that if u want to stop binging you have to eat more. It doesn't have t be a lot , just a few things (can be low cal) throughout the day so that your body gets used to a.) getting food again and b.) your metabolism starts working again.

P.s- sorry if this sounds like I'm lecturing you, not my intention *hugs* tc. Hope you can get a med change next time u see your psychologist.

AbiAnne said...

i'm sorry school isn't going well right now. maybe you just need to have a little bit more brain food. if you're not going to eat during the day, try to have some juice during the day that has some vitamins in it. maybe that will help with the memory, but it could be your meds. i'd try googling it or something, but most likely talking to your doc because google isn't always that accurate. and i'm sorry your family and friends can't be more of a support to you. i know exactly how that is. stay strong though. you will get through this. have a great weekend. stay strong girl! <3

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