Thursday, February 3, 2011

I thought

today was better. Reflecting on it, I realize it really wasn't. I had a rough night last night. I couldn't fall asleep and kept waking up. So I woke up uber tired. I went to school. I am waaay lost in my biology class. We have a test next week and I am so fucking confused. It might help if I actually read the chapters. That's the problem though. Even when I do read the chapters, I don't remember what I read or I don't understand what I read.It really sucks. I'm so fucking depressed and unable to concentrate on anything right now. Suicide is all I can think about. I find suicide calming to think about. I'm so far behind in my studies. I keep telling myself it doesn't matter if I fall behind. I'm just going to kill myself and it won't be a problem. It is a problem though. I'm still alive and I still have to deal with the real world. I just can't fucking concentrate or remember anything right now. It's really pissing me off. I feel so stupid. Why is this so hard? What's worse is I pay more attention in my algebra class than I do in biology. It's stupid because I already know how to do the algebra. Why can't I focus on where I need to the most? Grrr. >.<
Reflecting on my eating, horrible. horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE! I did ok at first. I didn't have anything to eat until around 5 pm. I ate a serving of Jell-o w/ fruit mixed in. It was kind of weird because it was two flavors mixed together, but it was still good. Then came dinner: sweet and sour (turkey) meatballs. I did good at first. I took a serving size of meatballs (6) with a spoonful of rice. I estimated it to be around 300. I told myself I was done. I was done. I thought I was anyways. Then my grandma offered me the rest of hers. It was half a plate with at least 10 meatballs and lots of rice. I told myself I was going to stop after a second serving of meatballs. But did I? NO! I lost track of my meatballs and then I just thought 'fuck it, you already ate more than you were supposed to, so just finish it'. That is what I did. I ate the whole thing, half a plate full of rice and sweet and sour meatballs down in my stomach with my dinner and jello. fuck fuck FUCK! I was so mad at myself that I wanted to binge. I really don't understand that. I just ate at least 1000 calories in my "second dinner" alone and now I want to binge? It's like WTF? Thankfully I didn't. Unfortunately, after all my eating today I gained 2.2 pounds!! slkfhjhfjhsa GRRR!! I weighed in at 108.6 this morning. 2.2 pounds will make me gain at least .6 pounds if not more. Fucking fat ass. I don't want to eat anymore. Tomorrow we are going out to dinner. Fuck. If we go to IHOP, I'll be screwed. It's my weakness. I will just eat half of my meal. No more than that. I will only drink water. No more hot chocolate. Water water water. I won't eat tomorrow until we got out. I will not allow myself to go above 110 this month. I refuse to. I don't know what will happen if I do. I'm not going to worry about that though because it WILL NOT happen. I am tired and hope to get some better sleep tonight. Until tomorrow lovelies.

2 words from my listeners:

Elisabethgrace said...

I hope things get easier soon.
It's so hard trying to deal with everything aye?
Don't hurt yourself! & Do not go through with those thoughts of suicide!!
If you ever need to chat I'm here x

GraceyJ said...

im so sorry your going through a hard time :( but your grades do matter because you are not leaving me or all the other lovely people who love your blog!
stay strong love. if you need to talk i think i added you on pretty alone.

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