Tuesday, February 8, 2011

detached

Sorry about my mood swing yesterday. It was a rough day. I ended up cutting for the first time in almost 3 months. It was stupid. There really was no reason. The urge wasn't even strong. I just snapped I guess. My cuts were weak and superficial, just like me. I ended up punching the mirror (thankfully I didn't break it!) and hurt my finger. I broke down and told my grandparents. I told my mom. Telling my mom almost got us into a fight. It was mainly because I'm a dumb ass who doesn't want to accept help. That leads me to today.
Today was good I suppose. The morning was actually pretty great. =) I had my biology lab. We were looking at the cells of different plants and an animal cell. (The animal cell was really human cheek tissue 0.o). I had a hard time with the microscope but I was able to get it to work with some help from one of my lab partners (there are 4 of us at a table). There were a few different types of plant cells: onion, red pepper, potato, and elodea. I picked elodea which is just like a water plant I guess. So I picked off a leaf and put it on the slide, dropped some water on top, and covered it with the cover slip. Once adjusted on the microscope, I looked into it. Now I just want to say that this is really hard to do with glasses. 0.o As I was looking, I thought I saw like a silverish blob thing moving around. I just figured it was an air bubble. Well, turns out what I thought was an air bubble was really a (drum roll please....) PROTIST!! I had found another living being on my elodea!! It was so cool. It wasn't just one either. There were several of them! It was sweet!!! Yes, I'm a nerd but I love science and it was so cool! =D x 2194983748379587209358989890 hehehehe. The rest of my school day went well. Nothing too exciting in lecture or math.
That leads me to my therapy session. It was very strange. I was kind of anxious about meeting with my therapist since I would have to tell her that I cut. We went upstairs to her office. I grabbed one of the bears (she brought them in for me!!) and sat down. I handed her my diary card. That's when we started to discuss my cutting from yesterday (Monday). She wanted me to break it down bit by bit. What was the event? What was the feeling? What were the thoughts? What was your body doing? and so on. As I was talking to her, I actually told her about my blog. I didn't tell her what is in it. I just told her I had been venting my frustrations and then typing out my sadness. Anyways, I started to dissociate as I was talking to her. I started slowly slipping away mentally. I was still physically there but it was like I was detached from reality. I was asking her weird questions like  "do you think I should quit therapy?". She said she would support me if that's what I decided to do. I told her that my family wouldn't like it if I did that. I told her I didn't want to change. I told her all the things I really think but it was all so distant. I wasn't even there. I even told her I'm not in the best state of mind. I don't know if I meant then or altogether. I guess a bit of both would be the case. She said then if I'm not in a good state of mind, then I shouldn't be making such big decisions. I just shut down and stopped talking. We were quiet for a few minutes. I guess I was pretty out of it because she asked me if I was there with her, was I awake. I answered "no, yes, sort of, maybe." I didn't know if I was or not. She suggested we play a game. We played Uno. I forgot to mention that the whole time we were talking, I was playing with the scarf on the bear's neck. It was all I could focus on. It was like I was hypnotized. It was really weird.
Anyways, after individual session I had group. We had like four new people in an already over-crowded room. I had to sit on the floor along with two other people. 0.o We actually have a guy in our group now. He is also 18. 0.o He was attractive but I'm not attracted to him. Hmm. Will I ever be attracted to anyone? I feel like an emotionless, loveless self-absorbed bitch. Who knows? Group was good I suppose. I was much more with it. We listened to a song when we split up into kids and parents. Here is a link.
You Are More- Tenth Avenue North
It's a good, positive Christian song. I'm not one for God but it's a good song nonetheless. :)
After group, my grandparents and I went to IHOP. I was much more controlled at dinner tonight. I ate about 1/2 my pancakes and boxed the rest up for later. I only drank 1 hot chocolate with 2 waters. I did good. It tasted good. I enjoyed it. :) I still felt a little guilty though but it wasn't overwhelming.
Okay, well so far I haven't read anyone's blogs since my last post yesterday but I promise I will tomorrow when it's not so late. Good night guys! Love!!

P.S. Glitch-I loved the quote. :)

6 words from my listeners:

SilentNightmare said...

Night hun, hope tomorrow is a good day for you

TC
Love SN.

NightFlower said...

I'm sorry about the cutting :[ But I hope you can continue to try not to do it.
That's kind of cool about the elodia :] Aaw.
And that's sweet of your therapist to bring in bears. Aaw.
I hope you're okay and that tomorrow goes well xxx

AS said...

This post made me really happy. You sounded like you feel a little bit better today than you have lately. I'm sorry about the cutting. You've done so well so far, don't let this hinder you if you can help it. I'm glad to hear about IHOP with your family. It made me smile when you said that you enjoyed it. Thats awesome :-)

Lissy said...

I'm really sorry about the cutting :( You did so well doing 3 months though!
I hate disassicating (however you spell it!) it's scary :( did your therapist realise?

Hope you're okay xxx

Beth @ To the Fullest said...

Hugs for you! Just because you're awesome and are definitely NOT a monster.

i'm a superhero i can like fly and shit said...

why do you do it?
what goes through your mind before/during/after?
what is the worst/best part of it?
i'm writing a paper on cutting for composition,
anything you can tell me about it would be greatly appreciated!

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