Friday, February 25, 2011

and she lived...

not happily ever after, but she lived. I lived.
Yes, it is I, the great unbeautiful, back from the (almost) dead. I am sorry it has been so long. I was just released today from the hospital, the psychiatric hospital I should say. I'm sure you all are wondering what the hell happened to me. This is what happened:
On 2/15/11, I sat up and waited for my grandparents to fall asleep. They went to bed shortly before midnight. It was shortly after midnight that I stole the bottle of pills and ran away, leaving a suicide note behind on my pillow. I walked outside in my pj pants, a shirt, a light jacket, and tennis shoes in below freezing weather. I walked a couple miles under the light of the moon. I went into some woods. I sat down on the wet ground and took the pills. I was crying and screaming at God. After a few minutes I calmed down. I laid down on the ground and hoped to fall asleep. What happened next is kind of a a blur. I don't really remember what happened but this next part is what I've been told what happened. My grandparents awoke the next morning to find me missing. They called the cops and then called the rest of my family. A huge search party went out for me, search dogs included. I was even on the news. (When I found that out I was like greeeat..not!) People were calling me and texting me trying to get me to respond. I wouldn't answer. I got a call from my mom's friend's son who is in the National Guard. I actually talked to him. After talking to him, I talked to my mom and dad. My mom kept telling me to make sounds and walk towards the voices. (I guess I had been moving away from them.) I was found around 5 pm on 2/16/11. They had to cut trees to get to me. I was taken to the emergency room and was then transferred to the intensive care unit. I had high levels of toxins in my blood stream. I was sore and stiff from the muscle break down that had occurred from me lying in one position for too long. I was in ICU until 2/18/11 when I was transferred to an adult psychiatric facility. I worked my program there and was discharged today.
That's the short version of the story. I guess I'll fill you in on a few more details. I had family come in from out of town to visit me. I scared a lot of people. I barely ate anything when I was first in the hospital. I weighed less than 102 in the psych ward. I was put on Remeron, a medication with the known side effect of increased appetite and weight gain. I'm sure I gained at least 3 pounds back. I almost purged for the first time in almost 3 years. I made friends with a 33 year old guy. (I know that sounds creepy but it's really not like that.) Now I am home at my grandma and great grandma's house. I'm not really sure how I feel. I'm glad to be out but I'm not glad to be here (as in this house). I'm still not sure if I want to be dead. I just don't feel as depressed right now. I'm kind of scared that I will start feeling that way again. I guess I will worry about that when the time comes. Well, it's 8 pm and I am tired as hell. I will have my laptop back tomorrow so I will start catching back up on blogs then. Thank you so much for the support and I'm really sorry I scared you. I'm doing better now. :) I will talk to you guys tomorrow. Love you all!

10 words from my listeners:

Nikki said...

Holy fucking shit girl, hugs, I'm glad your ok, i know u may feel different. I was wondering where u went, I'm really glad your back. Try n rest as much as you can. Take care xoxo

Glitch said...

oh wow... well.. I am glad you're alright.
Take it easy... surround yourself with positive things, mkay?

SilentNightmare said...

Agreed, glad you're alive and please take extra good care of yourself hun

danae said...

i'm glad you're okay, keep safe love.x

Kari said...

I've been praying so much for you. I knew something was wrong when you stopped posting, and it sounds like it's been really hard but I'm SO thankful to hear from you. I hope you keep feeling not-so-depressed and that you can find your way closer to happiness.

thinlypure said...

I'm so happy to hear you are alive! Take care of yourself and stay safe please.

i'm a superhero i can like fly and shit said...

i'm 33.
are you implying i'm creepy? ;-)

Cal said...

I'm so glad you're okay!! I was worried about you!

heiscertainlyworthit said...

I'm so gld you are ok :D I was really worried when you didn't post.

I hope that you no longer feel that way - ypou're beautiful and skinny too :D

Love you xx

Iris said...

I was so fucking worried, but I'm so happy you're still alive.

I love you so much, and I hope you continue to feel better!

Post a Comment