Tuesday, February 15, 2011

shit

I am stupid, so motherfucking STUPID! I saw my therapist today like I do every Tuesday. Today was different. Today I was fucked up on caffeine. My heart was flipping out and I was shaking so bad. When I went upstairs with Kindra, I was so out of it. I was anxious. She had me do some mindful coloring. I colored outside the lines and then I scribbled all over the paper. I was mad because it wasn't perfect. I just said fuck it. I think Kindra was a bit surprised or something. I decided I would just draw on the back instead. I asked Kindra what to draw and she said to draw a bunny. It was a chubby bunny (I labeled it that in black marker later in the session). We were talking and I told her about my cutting on the 9th. She wanted me to fill out a diary card. I got so pissed when she put it down on my lap. I started crying and shaking uncontrollably. I was so mad. I wanted to scream and throw the diary card and her pen back in her face. I wanted to scribble all over it with the yellow marker I had in my hand. Did I? No. I just cried and freaked out. I kept saying "something isn't right" over and over. Kindra kept trying to get me to calm down. I was hyperventilating and shaking head to toe. Finally I calmed down. Things proceded to go downhill from there. I went on to tell her I was actively suicidal. There I was just sitting there spilling out my thoughts of how I want to die and how it's not fair that people are keeping me alive. I told her about feeling crazy because everything in my past that I think happened supposedly never did. I told her I hate my life but I have no reason to. I let out everything. I told her I had a plan. I told her I just need that one thing and then I'm gone. She wanted me to tell her what that one thing was. I laughed in her face. I might have been stupid in telling her I was suicidal but I was not going to be stupid and tell her my plan. If I told her, then I never would get to do it. She would have told my parents. No. I would not let that happen. I told her I have a back-up plan. I refused to tell her what that was. She threatened me with the hospital. I told her I would bs my way out. I also told her that I would be safe for the rest of this week. I told her I would call her tomorrow and Thursday. I think I lied. I think I'm not going to be safe. I'm am plotting to steal some more pills in the middle of the night and run away. I will run far enough away from the house that no one will find me in time. I will hide and take those pills. I will die. I will motherfucking DIE. BUT it is a not so set in stone plan. It depends on if my grandparents are in bed by midnight. If they are, then it's bye-bye Amber. If not, then I am safe for one more fucking night. I'm sorry for whatever happens tonight. If I don't post tomorrow, assume the worst. So I guess if all goes well tonight, this is good-bye. If this is my last post, I want to thank each and every one of you for reading and supporting me the best you could. I want to apologize for leaving you and hurting you. I want you to know that I love you guys so much and that you mean so much to me. So if this is it, good-bye.

15 words from my listeners:

thinlypure said...

Please dont do it,I know that at the moment life is hard and there is no point in coutinueing on if everyday keeps o getting more and more horrible,but please just dont do it,there are soooooo many people that care for you and want to see u successed and want u to get better and want the best for you.
Please Amber.
take care

Lissy said...

I wish I could say something to help but I can't I just want to say I really care and email me or something. Lots of love xxx

i'm a superhero i can like fly and shit said...

do what you gotta do,
i won't judge you.

SilentNightmare said...

Please don't do anything hun *hugs*

Iris said...

Please, please, please stay with us. I love you. You are so valuable to me.

NightFlower said...

Oh god no. Please don't!
I care and I really, really hope this is not your last post.
Please stay with us.
xxxx

Becky said...

NO! No no no! I refuse to let you go. Please talk to someone, go to your therapist, the hospital, your parents, a friend, anyone.
Elara did a wonderful thing suggesting those hot lines. I have used them before and they really do help. PLEASE help yourself. Don't give up, please.

AbiAnne said...

NO!!! I really hope you are okay!! Look at all the support you have on here by complete strangers!! We listen to you every day. We read your posts. You matter! See how much you matter to complete strangers. I know for a fact that someone in your life wants you alive just as much as we do! I really really hope you got help and that you're okay! Post soon! <3 <3

Epic Child said...

Please don't do this. Please please please don't. I've been there before. I've taken the pills. But I survived, and I'm glad I did. I hope you can get help because you deserve so much more than depression. You deserve to be happy and you are a beautiful and incredible individual. Depression clouds your vision. You're not seeing clearly right now, and I understand your pain. But the fog will lift and things will improve. You just have to give it a chance. It takes some hard work but you can make life worth living again. I promise you that life is worth it.

Peaches said...

I've been watching and praying for you to post something again. I hope your alright, I hope to see you post soon.

Shannice said...

holy fuck this is a lot of writing.
ambs, don't! please, i really hope your okay. and i don't say that about many people.
you don't deserve to die.
please be okay.
i love you girl =(
please don't let this be your last post. xxx

A Quiet Battle said...

I sincerely hope you're okay and just getting the help you need. I'm scared for you.

heiscertainlyworthit said...

i care, i care, i care, i care.

Please, do not do anything. You don't deserve this, you're lovely.
I wish I could do something to take these evil emotions away from you.
I hope nothing bad happens. I really really hope nothing bad happens.

Please don't. Love you xx

Lissy said...

God I hope you're okay.

I don't know what to do. I'm really worried.

xxxx

Shannice said...

i hope your okay, oh god. please, be okay.
i'm so worried. you might not even be reading this.
i'll keep praying )=

Post a Comment