shit

I am stupid, so motherfucking STUPID! I saw my therapist today like I do every Tuesday. Today was different. Today I was fucked up on caffeine. My heart was flipping out and I was shaking so bad. When I went upstairs with Kindra, I was so out of it. I was anxious. She had me do some mindful coloring. I colored outside the lines and then I scribbled all over the paper. I was mad because it wasn't perfect. I just said fuck it. I think Kindra was a bit surprised or something. I decided I would just draw on the back instead. I asked Kindra what to draw and she said to draw a bunny. It was a chubby bunny (I labeled it that in black marker later in the session). We were talking and I told her about my cutting on the 9th. She wanted me to fill out a diary card. I got so pissed when she put it down on my lap. I started crying and shaking uncontrollably. I was so mad. I wanted to scream and throw the diary card and her pen back in her face. I wanted to scribble all over it with the yellow marker I had in my hand. Did I? No. I just cried and freaked out. I kept saying "something isn't right" over and over. Kindra kept trying to get me to calm down. I was hyperventilating and shaking head to toe. Finally I calmed down. Things proceded to go downhill from there. I went on to tell her I was actively suicidal. There I was just sitting there spilling out my thoughts of how I want to die and how it's not fair that people are keeping me alive. I told her about feeling crazy because everything in my past that I think happened supposedly never did. I told her I hate my life but I have no reason to. I let out everything. I told her I had a plan. I told her I just need that one thing and then I'm gone. She wanted me to tell her what that one thing was. I laughed in her face. I might have been stupid in telling her I was suicidal but I was not going to be stupid and tell her my plan. If I told her, then I never would get to do it. She would have told my parents. No. I would not let that happen. I told her I have a back-up plan. I refused to tell her what that was. She threatened me with the hospital. I told her I would bs my way out. I also told her that I would be safe for the rest of this week. I told her I would call her tomorrow and Thursday. I think I lied. I think I'm not going to be safe. I'm am plotting to steal some more pills in the middle of the night and run away. I will run far enough away from the house that no one will find me in time. I will hide and take those pills. I will die. I will motherfucking DIE. BUT it is a not so set in stone plan. It depends on if my grandparents are in bed by midnight. If they are, then it's bye-bye Amber. If not, then I am safe for one more fucking night. I'm sorry for whatever happens tonight. If I don't post tomorrow, assume the worst. So I guess if all goes well tonight, this is good-bye. If this is my last post, I want to thank each and every one of you for reading and supporting me the best you could. I want to apologize for leaving you and hurting you. I want you to know that I love you guys so much and that you mean so much to me. So if this is it, good-bye.