Saturday, February 12, 2011

too early

It is way to early to be up on the weekend. I've been up since 5 am. >.< I should be enjoying sleeping in. Instead I am on here at 6:35 in the morning. 0.o Pathetic. Ever since I woke up I've been dying to weigh myself. I'm trying to wait until I take my shower around 8:30 or 9. It is proving sooo hard. I have an obsession with weighing myself. I used to weigh once a day, twice at the max. Now I weigh in the morning undressed then dressed, after I eat anything or sometimes if I feel like I'm hungry, after almost every time I go to the bathroom, and then again at night undressed. It's rather bad. :( I really should only weigh myself twice a day (morning and night) but I just freak out if I don't weigh myself throughout the day. It's my measure to see how much I can eat. I get all upset when I gain more than 1.6 pounds of food weight. When that happens I usually gain or depending on how much over I am, I stay the same. I don't know why I am up thinking these things so freaking early in the morning. I would much rather sleep. I think the caffeine in the diet pills are keeping me awake too. I don't want to tell my grandma that or else she'll make me stop taking them. I hope she won't tell my mom I'm on them. Mom would be so pissed but I refuse to stop taking them. I wonder how my therapist would feel about this. I don't know if I'm going to tell her or not. Really, she can't do anything since I'm over 18. It's not like I'm in imminent danger or anything. It's not like I'm super skinny (although I soon hope to be!!). I'm still much too fat to have an eating disorder. Maybe once I'm under 100 I'll feel differently. Who knows? All I know is I want this weight off of me and fast. I just want to be skinny and beautiful, instead of fat and ugly. 85 seems like the perfect number for me. That is when I'll stop. At least I say that now. I hope I am not stopped before then. I will be so pissed if I am. I wonder if I'll get my gun before then. Hmm, serious thing to think about. I don't want to be found dead if I'm still fat. :(
Gosh darn it! I am hungry. I've been so hungry since I took those pills yesterday. I woke up this morning feeling hunger pains. It's like seriously? already? *eye roll* I'm not eating though..yet anyways. I'll eat after I take my shower. Maybe I'll have a waffle and some yogurt. On second thought, maybe I'll just have a waffle. I can snack on a yogurt when I take my afternoon dose of my diet pill. I'm going to try to take it earlier to see if that helps with my sleep. I took it at 6 last night and couldn't fall asleep until around 11:30. That means I've had about 5 1/2 hours of sleep. Way too little. Yet right now I feel so awake. Stupid caffeine. >.< I hope this won't permanently mess up my sleep while I'm on these pills. I require a lot of sleep. Maybe with these pills, though, I won't need as much. Oh goodness, I just want to go back to bed. I tried going back to sleep after waking up but I couldn't. Grrr. >.< I really like that smiley. Although really, it's not a smiley. It's an angry. ;) hehe. Well I'm going to go watch youtube videos. Until later!

P.S. I'm also going to post some new poems on my poetry page. Go check them out!! (please)

2 words from my listeners:

SilentNightmare said...

Take care of yourself hun and yeah the caffeine pill are probably whats keeping you up, so you might have to take the diet pills once in a day rather than two if you don`t want your sleep to be affected to bad. I think you should also tell your therapist that you`re weighing so often and about the new pills, she can`t do anything about either really, but it will give her a better sense of where you are ED wise. *hugs*

Nikki said...

85 is my ugw :) and it is a good number haha I was born that year haha yea I'm old lol hang in there :) xoxo

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