I used to think that life was something more than depression and EDs and pain. I used to think that I was worth something, that I was worthy and deserving of love, of live, of anything. Now I know better. I know that I will always suffer from depression. I will always struggle with my eating disorder. I will always feel this pain and hurt. I now think that life is not worth living. I now think I will never be thin enough. I will always be fat. I now think that this pain will never go away, no matter how hard I try to make it better, no matter how long I fight. I don't want to fight. I just want to be free. I don't want to feel pain. I want to be happy. I long for a life other than this. I long for suicide to end this hell on earth. I feel hopeless, helpless, worthless. I feel depressed, suicidal, insane. I feel fat, ugly, disgusting. I don't want to feel that way. I want to feel hopeful, helpable, worthy. I want to feel happy, alive, sane. I want to feel skinny, beautiful, lovely. Why can't I feel those things? Why do I suffer? Did I do something wrong? What did I do to deserve this? No, stop. I won't throw the pity party. I just wish someone could answer my questions. I don't want the answers like "it'll make you a stronger person" or "it's all part of God's plan". NO. That is not what I want to hear. That means nothing to me. I want real, justifiable answers. Spare me the bull shit. I want the truth.