dreams

I had a rough night sleeping last night. I was having some bad dreams. They weren't horrible and I only remember bits and pieces. One of them actually woke me up. I was dreaming that I had overdosed. I started choking and feeling weird in my dream. I woke up and I couldn't breathe and my body felt funny. I thought I had really taken the pills. It took me a couple of minutes to calm down. I didn't take anything in real life, so it was okay. I was just kind of scared. Then I had a dream that I was back on my period. Now it's really not a big deal but it was in the dream because I had just gotten off my period (in real life too) and a few days later I was back on it. I was angry and I was screaming that I was fat. In my head, being on my period makes me fat. It makes me think I'm too fat to ever have an eating disorder because people with eating disorders typically don't have a period. Since I still have mine, I must be fat. I must not have an eating disorder. Periods really drive me wild.
I also have these day dreams/fantasies/whatever the heck you want to call them. I envision myself going to my therapy session and doing something bad. I have scenes where I pass out from not eating. Lately I have had scenes of slitting my wrists in the bathroom during session, then going back in just to pass out due to loss of blood. Even more recently (ever since I got the pills), I have been seeing me overdosing and passing out during session. It's kinda weird though because in my head it's like I'm planning when to take them. I envision myself taking them before we leave the house. The scene plays out in my head and I realize it wouldn't work. I envision myself taking them as soon as I get to the office. That might work. I envision myself taking them during session. That wouldn't work because I wouldn't pass out in her office. I'd pass out during group. That would be very bad. I don't know if these are more plans than dreams or what the hell they are. I guess it's just me fantasizing about getting attention. I know that if I was to really do those things I would get caught and wouldn't die. So of course that means I must be an attention whore. Why else would I fantasize about overdosing or slitting my wrists in session? How stupid would that be? I don't know what the hell my problem is but all I know is that I should never do that. That's a one way ticket to crazy land. She might even refuse to see me after that. ='( That's what I get for being a crazy ass attention whore. Oh well. I'll be safe for now. No trying to kill myself at my therapist's office. I'm only going to attempt when I know it will work. I already have my true plan all envisioned. I will do that. I just don't know when. My mom's birthday is on the 13th of this month. I don't want to kill myself before her birthday. I don't want to kill myself after either. It's too close. I don't want her to mourn my death next year for her birthday. Fuck. When is a good time to kill myself? (Don't say "there is no good time to kill yourself". I already know that.) I just want this to be over. I don't want the constant battles. I don't want the depression that never seems to go away. I'm sick of this. I'll be dying fat but it's okay. At least I won't have to deal with this eating disorder shit anymore. I'm so fucking sick of this, all of this. I just want it to end. It will end very very soon.