Wednesday, February 9, 2011

monster

Today was okay. I did not want to wake up. I never want to wake up but I do every morning. I get up and go about my morning routine preparing for school. I arrived to school with 1 minute to spare. It took almost an hour to get there. Stupid snow and traffic. My grandpa's driving was a little scary too. Anyways, school went well. I was able to pay attention better. I think it also helped because my teacher let us out early. I didn't have to concentrate as long. That was it for school.
Next comes food. What did I eat? How much did I eat? How fat am I going to be tomorrow? I ate pancakes, fruit by the foot, spaghetti with turkey meat sauce, peanuts, corn bread, dipped peanut granola bar. I ate and ate and ate. I am fat and gross and disgusting. I am a monster. I consume food as the food consumes me. I am trapped in this fat shell. I just want out. I want to claw my way out of this mess of a girl. Am I even a girl? No. I am merely a monster. A fat disgusting selfish ugly crazy monster. I hate me. I want to die. I already fucked up three months of no cutting. It's only been two days. I think I'll cut now. Kill the monster a little more.

5 words from my listeners:

Kari said...

I'm sorry you're feeling down about yourself and your food. Try not to cut though, if you can. I know you know, it doesn't fix it.

AS said...

I'm sorry you're having a rough day. I've seen real monsters, dear, and you are as far away from a monster as a person can be. You're amazing, but you're hurting and you're suffering so badly, and I wish I could take the pain away from you. I would if I could. Hang in there. Be safe <3

Iris said...

It takes so long for the scars to fade. I'm sure you haven't forgotten that. But bleeding means you're alive, and for that I am truly glad.

Stay safe, please.

i'm a superhero i can like fly and shit said...

when i read this i picture a little fuzzy monster
like from sesame street. it was kind of cute in a way.
it made me laugh.

sorry you're feeling down.
keep writing, it always makes one feel better.

SilentNightmare said...

*hugs*

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