Thursday, February 10, 2011

That's how many new scars I have. That's how many more reasons I have to hate myself. I don't know what it did for me. I barely bled. It wasn't deep. I wanted more and more and more. I told myself I had to stop. I told myself it wasn't helping me. Still I cut, I bled. I wanted to scream. I was too numb to cry. I have made my body even more hideous. I am ugly. I am a monster. I deserve to die. I deserve to rot in hell for my sins. I am fat. I am a failure. Suicide has never seemed more inviting. I just need the money. I just need the gun. Then it will all be over. I can't wait. Sunday is my mother's birthday. It will kill her when I die so shortly after her special day. Why am I like this? I am a bad daughter. Just another reason for me to die. I feel like taking pills. I just want to escape this feeling. I am relapsing. I am falling quickly back into my old self. How welcoming it is. First the eating disorder, now the cutting, and soon to be another suicidal act. I am falling. I am falling quickly. I don't know if I want to be caught. I am giving in, giving up. I will die soon. I will be free. I don't care what awaits me on the other side. I'm sure I'll rot in hell but it is a price I'm willing to pay. I don't like this up and down roller coaster ride. I just want a constant. Hell is a constant. Constant suffering maybe but I can handle it. I am ready. I want this. I want out. I want death. Please death come and take me by the hand. I want you. I crave you. Take me away.

7 words from my listeners:

Nikki said...

Oh baby "hugs" keep your strength up as long as you can. Your worth it SO worth it Hun don't let it win be strong be a fighter!! I believe in you xxx

Iris said...

I'm so sorry.

SilentNightmare said...

Please take care of yourself hun *hugs*

Elisabethgrace said...

Look after yourself.
You're not a failure!
Stay Strong hun.
& stay safe.

Anonymous said...

try taking a walk with a camera.
i always find when i feel like total shit,
beauty comes in all forms and colours not from
inside, but from the outside, sometimes even
matching how i feel inside yet so much more
beautiful. train tracks, rusty old warehouses,
broken cars, sitting in a heap.
beautiful things. ;-)

Lissy said...

I'm sorry about the cutting/scars.

They don't make you hideous though. I hate my scars but when I see other peoples scars I feel proud of them, proud of them for getting through and surviving the pain that caused the scars, you know.

Look after yourself love, too many people need you around.

Shannice said...

you are beautiful.
you deserve to live.
you deserve happiness.
you are not a monster.
i will not let you die.

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