Monday, August 20, 2012

I did it :)

(I do apologize for the length)
Even though I had some doubts about getting my tattoo, I got it done. I was really nervous (ok, ok, I was scared out of my mind) but I got it done. It is so ironic how the very quote I was getting tattooed, helped get me through getting the tattoo.
It took longer to get the design of the tattoo figured out than to actually get the tattoo. The longer it took to get the design right, the more anxious I got. I was full on crying before I even got in the chair. I must say that even though I've wanted this particular tattoo (I wanted some lame stuff when I was younger) for several months, I had never actually pictured myself in the tattoo parlor sitting in that chair getting it done. It was really scary. My aunt (the one who took me) was supportive and was able to help me get what I wanted across to the guy doing my tattoo. I felt so bad because I made him redo his drawing like four times and I thought he was mad at me. My aunt did freak me out a little when she kept telling me that it was okay that I was making him redraw the design since this would be on me permanently. Looking back (and even then) it was funny how I was so worried about it being permanent. I had this tattoo planned for months. The scars that I was going to be covering had been made in an impulsive moment. It was just silly.
Getting the tattoo hurt like a bitch. Not even going to lie. That was also funny to me because I kept telling myself "oh you used to hurt yourself. you used to cut. this shouldn't hurt." but thinking about it now I have to realize that while I did cut in my past, I haven't cut in over a year. The pain isn't familiar anymore. I was very glad I took Lumpy with me. I squeezed him so tight and drenched him in tears and even some snot. I refused to look in the direction of my arm while getting it done. I was afraid I would freak out if I saw my arm before it was done or if I saw the tattoo gun. Half of the time my eyes were closed so it didn't really matter. When the guy was done and I saw my arm, I was so glad I got it done. All the doubts I had (even while actually getting the tattoo) went away. I knew I had made the right decision in getting it.
Having to wait the 6 hours to take off the bandage was kind of torturous because I just really wanted to see it. The quick glimpse at the shop wasn't enough. When I went to actually remove the bandage, I freaked out. I got all scared and was doubtful. I refused to turn my arm over to look at my tattoo for a little bit. I was glad when I finally turned my arm over. It looked great. I did freak out at first though because there was a bulge over one of my deeper scars and I thought something was wrong. The swelling has gone down so it was fine, but I just wasn't sure and I was/am super paranoid about something going wrong.
I have gotten so much positive feedback about this tattoo. It was probably the best thing I've ever done. Here is the magical picture you all have been waiting for:

I absolutely love this tattoo. I am so glad I got it.
My birthday was yesterday and that went well. I got mostly money which I have planned for putting towards a keyboard (a piano) and the Once Upon A Time season one DVD set. My sister also bought me a small canvas and acrylic paints! I'm very excited about that. Now to figure out what to paint. I had IHOP for dinner and then for dessert, I had hamburger cupcakes! They were good but I almost got sick towards the end of mine. Probably too much anxiety or just too much frosting. There was a lot.

I have been in a really good mood and state of mind since my tattoo. I don't know if it was the tattoo that caused it or just finally a sense of peace within myself, but I am glad I feel this way. I hope the rest of my life stays this good. I know I'll still have my ups and downs, but I really hope I can remember where I am now.
Usually birthdays aren't good days for me, but yesterday really was a good day. I didn't do much but I enjoyed it. I think it's so much easier to enjoy something when there aren't all the expectations on it. I have two goals set for this year: acceptance and self-love. There are other things I would like out of this year but I'm not going to make them goals. If they happen, great and if not, then it'll just give me a chance to practice acceptance. Is this where my life begins? I hope so.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

last day as a teenager

And just like that it hit me.
I am scared.
so fucking scared.
I am supposed to be getting my first tattoo today.
I'm starting to have second thoughts.
I want(ed) this tattoo so badly.
I wish I hadn't let my mother's words stay rattling around in my brain.
Look what it has done.
Is it really about me not accepting the ink on my own skin?
Is this about my parents not accepting it?
Why do I crave their acceptance so badly?
I am not ready for what is happening.
Time needs to slow down or just stop altogether.
I am not ready to turn 20 tomorrow.
I am not ready for a birthday.
I am not ready for a "new year" and the expectations that come with it.
The expectations are purely my own.
They are damn near impossible to live up to.
I must say that I accomplished one goal in my 19th year.
I remained cut free through all of it.
I was only hospitalized twice which is a drastic improvement from the countless times of my previous teenage years.
19 was a good age.
Well kind of.
So much has happened in the past year and it's really amazing that I made it through as well as I did.
I was almost admitted to a long term facility.
That memory still hurts to bring up.
I doubt Halloween will ever be the same.
I finally accepted that I am gay.
I have not given in to cutting, even though the urges have been strong.
I have not given in to purging either.
I think it was harder in that aspect at times.
I have learned that no doesn't mean no for me certain people.
This year I just think I had a lot of growth.
You know what I want from this next year?
I want acceptance and self-love.
I am getting my tattoo today and those shall be the words I shall live by.

"You are where you need to be. Just take a deep breath."