Monday, January 31, 2011

Hanna Bear

Oh Hanna, what have I done? Why am I so weak? Why did I confess to you my plan? I know that's how your dad died. How horrible am I to tell you that? I am a monster. All I do is hurt you. All I do is hurt everyone around me. I'm so sorry. I never meant to do this to you, to anyone. I just wish I was as strong as you. You always give me so much hope. You've always been there for me. I feel like such a disappointment. I'm letting you down. I've always let you down. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I love you Hanna. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.


Tonight I am feeling apathetic? numb? something? anything? Nothing. I ate like the fat bitch I am. I just put more and more food into my mouth. The only thing I remembered tasting was the yogurt, the vanilla yogurt. What else did I eat today? A 6 inch sub, 3 cookies, a Special K bar, dried fruit, 2 Peanut Butter Patties, lasagna, Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich, yogurt. Is that really so much? Yes, Watson, I think it is. Wow. I feel so fat after admitting to eating that. Gross. Disgusting. FAT. I am gross, disgusting, fat. I am a monster. I am a whore, a slut, a bitch. Food is my pimp. It controls me. I do not control it. I am not in control. I am out of control. I want control. I want perfection. I want emptiness, thin, and beauty. I want everything I'm not. I want everything I wish I could be, everything I will never be. I am a horrid creature. I don't deserve food. I don't deserve air. I deserve to die. I deserve to starve. I deserve to suffer. I deserve to cut, bleed, scream, cry, hurt. I deserve to rot in hell. I will soon rot in hell. I hate the world. I hate myself. I hate life. I will end it. I will end it all.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

simple plan-save you lyrics

mood swings

I have been all over the place today. I had urges to cut and OD. I cried. I hit myself. I wanted to scream and punch the wall. I was angry. I was depressed. I was ok. I was everything today. I went onto to get support. The girls were very nice. I called my therapist like they suggested. My therapist was being a poopface. I hate how all she does is tell me to do the same skill over and over again. It's frustrating because sometimes I just want to talk. I don't always want to do a fucking skill. Oh well. I made it through. I never really made it through my homework. I can't concentrate. That is shit. I ate too much. I guess that is all. Night.


I don't want to do my homework so I'm going to type this post. I've been watching youtube videos for like 3 hours. I'm not really even watching anything worthwhile. I'm just clicking link after link after link. I've watched some dance videos, lyric videos, and even some pass out videos. I don't know why I watch those. I guess it's because I've played the pass out game before. Have any of you ever played it? If you haven't, don't try. It's really stupid and can actually cause a lot of damage or even possibly death. I've never been very good at doing it by myself. I'm tempted to try again though. I like the feeling of passing out. I can escape for a little bit. Passing out has got to be safer than drugs, right? Maybe? I don't know. At least it's a drug free high. I'm not really one for getting high. One of my overdoses made me high as a kite. It was crazy. I couldn't stand so I had to crawl to the bathroom. When I was laying flat on my back on my bed, the room was spinning and tilting at the same time. I was just so fucking out of it. I had to tell my mom I got sick in the middle of the night because I couldn't afford to go to school high. That was actually when I went to a Christian school. 0.o I've never really been big on religion so it is a big shocker that I went there. I was really bad at that school. I tried to slit my wrists in the school bathroom. Let's just say I was the talk of the school. I was already an outcast. I'm surprised they didn't kick me out. I guess it's just because I was emotionally challenged but only towards myself. Hell, I don't know. I didn't like that stupid school anyways. Stupid religion. I fucking hate God. (Sorry to all of those who love him.)
Wow. Look at how many topics I jumped around to in less than 10 minutes. That's fucking crazy. Talking about school and drugs and overdosing and passing out. Wow. This all sounds so positive. NOT. At least I'm doing a good job at putting off my homework. I know I need to work it on it like now but I just don't want to. I feel lazy. I am lazy. I haven't done anything productive this week. Don't know why I'm going to start now. I also kind of feel like it's pointless to do my homework. I'm going to kill myself in about 2 weeks so why all the fuss now? I guess I should just go through the motions just in case my lucky ass survives. I'm pretty sure I'll die from a gun shot wound though. I just don't see how I can be so god damn lucky all the time. I'm fucking invincible! Where the hell are my cape and superpowers? *eye roll* Yeah, so this has been a useless post. If you read it, then thanks. Sorry you had to read through my insanity.


I've been up for 3 hours and I've already eaten more than 1000 calories. I had a bowl of Capt. Crunch Berries w/ light vanilla soy milk, yogurt, cookies, and a cinnamon roll w/ lots of icing. Fuck fuck fuck. No wonder I'm so fat. The worst thing is, I still feel like eating. Maybe that's what I'll go do right now. Go shove more food down my fucking throat. fml.

As to my followers (I feel so dictator like saying that lol), I appreciate all your kind comments on my poetry and posts in general. I am okay, well relatively speaking. I'm obviously not dead otherwise I wouldn't be typing this. I'm sorry I've been so negative lately. It just seems like my plan is falling closer and closer together. I almost have everything I need to complete my plan. I just keep reaching out and grabbing all the stuff I can get. I'm sorry that you guys have to read my journey through insanity. Don't worry. It'll be over soon.
A.(scared blogger)-I get my motivation from my feelings. I feel something and the words flow out. I was listening to a song on youtube last night and some of the words inspired me. I just started typing and then out came my poem. I really just write from my soul, my heart. It's the things I cannot say. It's the things I truly feel. The words are my blood, the paper is my flesh.

Okay. Just so you know, the new poems are up in case you want to read them. The ones up this time actually have titles. 0.o That's all for now!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

blog whore

You tell me it's okay
I'll see a brighter day
Little do you know I don't plan to stay
I don't plan to stay and find out
All I want is out
Out of this depression
This oppression
I want to fly instead of fall
Rise up and stand tall
I want a bullet-proof heart
And a matching self-esteem
I want a fresh start
A chance to finally be free
So don't tell me your lies
Don't tell me it'll all be just fine
'Cause I'm ready for good-bye
I will not stay.

P.S. I will be changing my poems on my poetry page tomorrow for those who wish to read them before I take them down. K, thanks!

The great 100

This is my 100th post. Woot. Yay. Go me.
Today was okay. I went to my cousin's basketball game. He won. :)
I met up with my mom and little sister at my sister's cookie booth.
(I stole some pills.)
I found the Kansas Sampler so we could buy KU ribbons for the big game.
I bought (well my mom really) some new clothes for me.
I actually fit a size 2.
I watched the KU/KSTATE game.
KU won..big time.
(I'm a fat ass.)
All of these are facts.
Good night.


I got more.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Flyleaf - I'm So Sick


First of all

hehehe. =D
Thanks for this picture Nikki. It made me laugh.
Second, I talked with my criminal justice teacher today about my future career (forensic scientist). He believes that even though I have a history of mental health problems, I will still be able to get a job as long as I stay stable. So I was like yay! All my family was worried for nothing. Silly family! The thing was I was so afraid of asking about whether or not I could do this job. I was so scared he was going to crush my dreams of becoming a forensic scientist. Thankfully he didn't because I wouldn't know what to do if he did. Half my life I have wanted to be a forensic scientist. If for some reason I couldn't, I would have nothing to fall back on. I have no other career paths planned out. All I have left that I am good at is writing. We all know it's hard as hell to make a living out of that. Plus, I only write poetry. I suck at story writing. Although, I do have a very good idea for one...
All that being said, I still feel suicidal. I still want to end my life. I don't understand it. I'm getting one step closer to my life-long dream and I just don't care. All I care about is suicide. I hear people tell me every day "it gets better." and "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." I must say though that I strongly disagree. I've waited for years for things to get better. They have only gotten worse. I don't think that mental illnesses that will affect me for the rest of my life are "temporary problems". I just have no hope. Why should I? Things aren't going to change. This is when people come in and say "it'll only change if you want it to." Well what if I don't want it to change? What if I want to stay in my comfort zone? Do I want to be depressed? No. I just don't know what else to be. Life sucks. Isn't death better? Sure I'll rot in hell but at least I won't be on Earth. Either one is torture. I pick hell though.
Okay, so that is not where I intended on going with this. It just all kind of came out. Sorry. I guess the point was I should be feeling better because my dreams are still alive but I'm not. For fucksake I'm not. Epic fail.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

I wish I could say

that I smiled today. I didn't. I wish I could say I laughed today. I didn't. I wish I could say I didn't cry today. I can't. I wish I could say I didn't want to kill myself today. I can't.There are so many things I wish I could say but I can't. Instead, I'll say the things I wish I never had to say.
-I ate too much.
-I feel like a pig.
-I know I'm too fat to have an eating disorder.
-I cried multiple times today.
-I continued to plan my suicide.
-I want to die.
That is all I want to say.


Smile beautiful
Don't you know I love you?
You're so amazing
No one compares to you
You're one of a kind
Deserving of love
You are everything
I've ever dreamed of
Smile beautiful
Don't you know that you shine?
You are so bright
You'll outstand time
You are perfect
Just the way that you are
So smile beautiful
Shine like a star

This is dedicated to all my followers. I love you guys. <3

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


So here is the low down of what my day was like. I woke up late and had to rush to take my shower. It was very cold outside. It hurt my ears. =( Then I went off to college. I enjoyed my classes. Criminal justice is just so cool. I don't know if I've posted this on here before but I plan on going into forensic science. I want to work in a crime lab and then maybe, if possible, go out in the field. I'm going to be a CSI (crime scene investigator)!! Woot! Well maybe that is. A lot of my family have been telling me it might not be possible for me to go into this field due to my mental health background. I've been avoiding asking about it until now, well technically until Friday. I asked my criminal justice teacher if I could meet with him before class on Friday. I figured I'd ask him because he worked just about every job in the criminal justice system (he was a cop). I hope he has the answers I'm looking for. If not, I'm kinda screwed. I'm just really afraid that he'll say that I can't do it. That will literally crush me. I've wanted to be a CSI ever since I was a little kid. I don't know what I'll do if that dream is taken away from me. It's all I want. It's my sole reason for living. I'm just scared.
I came home from school and ate lunch. I had a chicken go wrap (250) from Wendy's, an ice cream cone (270), and an oatmeal cookie thing (170).
Shortly after that, I had to go see my psychiatrist. That did not really happen. My dad and I were talking on the way there. I was already getting riled up. When we got there, things really got out of hand. I told my dad I wasn't going in. He got all pissed and told me to at least call and cancel the session. I didn't have the number so he told me to go inside and tell them. I refused. My dad stormed in. Next thing I know, my dad AND my psychiatrist were walking towards the car. My psychiatrist tried to get me to come in. I refused. I was getting all pissed off again. Finally he went inside because he was cold. I started screaming and punching myself in the leg. I first hit the car but then decided I had enough issues without breaking the car..again. So it was my leg I was going to beat up. I was crying and screaming. Then I remembered my music. I got out my i-pod and started listening to Evanescence. I was screaming along. I'm surprised I didn't lose my voice. Anyways, my dad came out about 10-15 minutes later. He had a piece of paper in his hands. I thought it was a new prescription but nope, it was just instructions on how to take the meds I'm ALREADY on. I was like grrrr. On the upside, he brought me stickers. :)
I came home all upset. That's when I decided to binge. So I ate a honey bun, another ice cream cone, poptarts, cookies, and swiss roll cakes. I felt so sick. I actually planned that. It wasn't even like it just happened. I knew what I wanted to eat so I ate it. The thing is though, I didn't even want to eat it. I just wanted to eat and eat and EAT. I wanted to comfort myself. Instead, I made matters worse. After binging I felt like cutting really bad. This was one of the strongest urges I've had to cut in awhile. Thankfully I managed to get through the urge. I tried to do some exercise (my text buddy's suggestion) and just kinda gave up on that as the urge faded. I talked to my mom a little bit but that was of no use. Then I felt like overdosing. That was really bad. I texted my text buddy and told her what was going on. She talked to me and gave me some things to do. I almost called my therapist but I got through the urge without her. =) So I stayed safe. I got through both of my really strong urges with no self-harm. YAY me!
I got back from the gas station about an hour ago and had a hot chocolate. It wasn't even very good. All I have to say is I felt super sick after drinking it. I felt like I was going to throw up or have diarrhea or possibly even both. I took some Pepto Bismol and now I'm feeling better. Now I'm also feeling super tired so I'm off to bed. I'll try to post my positive poem in the morning before I go to school. Thanks for supporting me guys. Love you all. <3 Night!


This nightmare I'm becoming
I can't look me in the face
The pain I'm going through
I can't change, I can't erase
I'm trying so desperately to fight
I'm trying to hang on
But right now all I want
Is to be dead, is to be gone
I know I shouldn't want this
I know that I should live
But right now it's so hard
I can't deal with all this shit
I'm sorry I'm a failure
To everyone around
I'm sorry I'm falling
I'm falling back down
I'm in that abyss
The one I can't escape
I try so hard to fight it
But life is too much to take
I'm drowning in my sorrows
Suffocating on my tears
I'm dying slowly
And I know that no one cares
I just want life to be over
I just want my life to end
Right now I'm so depressed
Suicide seems like a friend
I'm sorry I'm so weak
I'm sorry I can't win
I'm sorry for giving up
I'm sorry for giving in
I don't know what else to do
I've finally lost all hope
I tried so hard
But there is no way else to cope
So forgive me for my actions
Forgive me for my words
I'm so sorry for hurting you
If only I had more courage
But I have none
I was weak until the end
Suicide saved me
Death is now and always my final friend.


wrote a positive poem today. I was going to post it. Now I'm saying fuck that because I'm in a shitty mood and I doubt anyone would like it anyways. I'm going to binge. I want to eat my fucking problems away. I'll post later tonight with more details but right now, it's time to eat. ='(

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

today was

better. I didn't eat like a pig tonight. I still feel like I ate too much. I had a cheesy bean and rice burrito from Taco Bell (490) and a swiss cake roll thing (240). Gah! That's a lot. Fucking fat ass. Okay, enough of that.
Today was my first day of Principles of Cell and Molecular Biology and College Algebra. I think I'm going to enjoy my biology class. Algebra should be okay. I passed my intermediate class with flying colors. =)
I had my therapy session today. I had a serious anxiety attack. My therapist wanted to take me to my safe place. When she asked me to close my eyes, I started freaking out. I started crying and telling her I couldn't do. I was telling her I was scared because we were in a small room with the door closed with just me and her. I couldn't handle it. I was just so scared. I knew logically that she wasn't going to hurt me, but I just had an irrational fear. It was just horrible. We had to leave her office and take a little walk. That calmed me down a little bit. It was just really hard.
Group was good. I participated a little bit. I wasn't really anxious. It was different to be calm. It was much more enjoyable that way.
Well I guess that was all. Good night loves. Thanks for all the support. =)

Monday, January 24, 2011


I had an all-day motherfucking binge! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! I ate at least 4000 calories. I don't even want to know how much I gained. I'm getting fat again. I thought I was fat last week when I went to see my therapist. Now I'm really going to prove it. FUCK! What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I giving up? Obviously I want to be fat forever. I want to be disgusting and ugly and fat. I'll always be a failure. I'll never be happy. I fucking hate myself. I'm so done with living like this. I just want to kill myself. Thinking that kinda scares me. I'm not scared because I'm planning on killing myself. I'm scared because the people who find me will see how fat I am. They won't be able to carry me out of the house. I'm such a pig. I ate junk food all day. I had so much food. The worst part is I wasn't even hungry. I just wanted to eat and eat and eat. Plus to make my day even worse, I'm on my mother fucking period! Grrrrrrrrrrr!!! >.< Today is not my day. I'm starving myself for forever. Night everyone.

It's all true. We're all a little insane.

You must forgive me for being this way.
I cannot help the words I say.
I don't mean to start a riot,
but my feelings are to strong for me to fight it.

I don't want to let you down,
but it's hard when I can't get off the ground.
I'm held here against my will,
trapped in a mind that's mentally ill.

I see these images when I close my eyes.
They are of death and sweet suicide.
I see the end of my haunting life,
no more pain and no more strife.

Empty, numb, hollow is no way to live.
What's the point of living when I have nothing to give?
I try to be positive but I'm giving up.
I just want this scene to be over, the director calling "CUT!"

I don't want to play this part.
I want to be free from this broken heart.
I want a land where I can roam
and not be afraid to call it home.

I want to fly and never fall.
I want to listen to death's call.
I don't want to be stopped next time.
Forgive me, I have lost my mind.

These are the thoughts of the mentally ill,
a tortured soul with no free will.
Here I lay trapped in this shell,
living in this earth-bound hell.

Let me end it.
Set me free.
I'm going to do this.
Don't stop me.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Evanescence - Lithium

"I want to stay in love with my sorrow, but God, I want to let it go."

I'm ok

I'm fine. In fact, I'm downright happy. No, not really but let's pretend I am. I had a major break down yesterday after I proceeded to eat even more food after my pasta salad and poptarts. I had half a can of Spaghettios, 2 biscuits, and a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich. I felt so fat and so full. I wanted to purge. I texted my therapist and asked her to give me 10 good reasons not to purge. She gave me one: it doesn't work. Of course, that was no use. I texted her back telling her I wanted to "purge, cut, die". She told me to call her. So I called her. She wanted to know what was wrong. I sounded so stupid for saying I wanted to die because I'm getting so fat again. She keeps telling me I'm underweight. I'm not underweight! Why can't she see that? Why does no one see that? I'm still fat. I'm still fucking huge. I need to lose weight, not gain it. I just want to weigh 102. I'm late on my period. I don't know. This is what I want so why do I feel so fucking miserable? I just want to be skinny and pretty and beautiful, but deep down I know I will never be those things. I will always be fat and ugly and most of all, I will always be a monster. Sometimes I just want to die. I have all these plans to hurt myself. I'm supposed to get a refund check from my student loans. I'm hoping I get some of the money so I can buy a gun. NO! STOP! I'm not supposed to be saying this. Not that it matters. It's not like you can stop me. I'm sorry. Forgive me for saying all of this. I'm just tired of life. Maybe I'll do what I have planned when I go to see my therapist on Tuesday. Maybe. I'm not sure I want to do that. She'll find out and have me hospitalized. I don't have time for that. fuck.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

...and then i turned seven - goodbye (i'm sorry) [lyrics]

I'm up

but not in a good way. I gained weight yesterday, 1.6 pounds. I now weigh 109.4. What a fat, disgusting failure I am. I just wish I could tear my body apart. I was planning on fasting today but that plan was ruined. I went over to my sister's house (where my mom and dad live) so my grandpa could work on my mom's care. My little sister had made my favorite pasta salad. I didn't want it but at the same time I did. She dished me a plate and I ate it. I felt horrible. Then I figured, "you already fucked up your fast so you might as well keep eating." I proceeded to eat one package of Poptarts (400) and another helping of pasta salad. I have decided that I will eat nothing more tonight. Although I must say, I am very tempted to eat some peanut butter fudge which I also binged on last night after my post. So grrrrrrr!!!! >.< I painted my nails when I was at my sister's house. It was mood changing nail polish. When I put it on, it started off dark, then it dried into a bright blue. Now as I am typing this, the color is practically black. I guess that means I'm depressed. Oh the joy. I finally caught up on everyone's blogs. Sorry for not doing so last night. I was just so tired after my little sister's talent show.
OH WAIT! I have to tell you about it!
Let me tell you, it was the most EPIC....FAIL EVER! It was totally unorganized. The emcees didn't know what they were saying. The little on-going skit was horrible. The mics didn't work half the time. Half (more than half actually) of the acts SUCKED. It was like seriously? What the fuck am I watching? My sister's act did pretty good though. =) I was soooo glad to be out of there. True story. I practically fell asleep on the way back home. That's why I didn't get back on. So yeah. Guess that's it. Don't know if I'll post again tonight. We'll see!

Friday, January 21, 2011

this is one of those times

So I'm sure you are all wondering what this is about. Let me tell you. My day did not start off well. I could barely get out of bed this morning. I was tired. When I weighed myself, I had.....gained 1 pound! I was like FUCK! I got dressed and went about my morning getting ready for school. I went to school and had dun in class. I even participated. =) My dad and I cleared up some financial aid issues. I bought my lab coat for my biology class. I'm excited for it. =)
After we left the college, dad said we were going to Taco Bell. I was like okay. I got a cheesy bean and rice burrito. That is 490 calories!! GAH!!! That was the start of the downfall of my day. I got home and rested for awhile. Then I got hungry. Well it wasn't necessarily hungry, it was more a hunger for food. I binged. I ate a granola bar, a Special K bar, fruit by the foot, cinnamon strussel cakes, peanut butter, dried fruit, and drank lots of soy milk. Wow. Talk about stupid. I had been about a week since binging and just decided to throw it all away. After today, I am fasting again. I am fasting until I can't fast anymore. I don't care how sick I get. I will lose the weight I gained from yesterday and today. Fuck being fat! I will be skinny.
On a more positive(?) note, I've been reading through some of my poetry from senior year (last year). Some of it is really good (if I may say so myself!). I might make a new page and post it on there. So if you want to read it, feel free. =)

Thursday, January 20, 2011


So no binge today but still lots and lots of food. I ate cereal for breakfast, snacked on a Special K bar and oatmeal raisin cookies, and had sweet and sour meatballs with rice for dinner. Then for dessert I had glazed apples with vanilla ice cream and 3 1 inch squares of peanut butter fudge. It was all really good but of course with the good comes the bad. The bad was I gained 2.4 pounds of food weight. fuck fuck FUCK! (You know I've realized I have quite the potty mouth on here. Does that bother anyone?) I am so mad. It would be one thing if I binged, but to just eat that normally? I mean WTF? I hate myself for eating today. I will do better tomorrow. I will only eat dinner. All we are having for dinner tomorrow is Campbell's Chunky chicken noodle soup. I will eat only that. I don't need food. I need skinny.
"THIN, where the hell have you been?"


I woke up this morning because I had to go to the bathroom. I checked my phone to see what time it is and saw that I had a text message from the school. Snow day!! Woot! I went and told my grandma, went to the bathroom, and came back to lie down. I fell asleep quickly. I woke up around 10:15. I was stoked to have slept so long. I definitely needed that sleep. I went to the bathroom to change clothes and weigh myself. I got undressed and stepped on the scale. I nearly died when I saw the number on the scale. It said I weighed 109.8! I was like "holy shit! I gained 2 pounds?!" I felt depressed as I was putting on my clothes. I then proceeded to weigh myself again. (I do this so I can tell how much food weight I'm gaining throughout the day.) It said I weighed 108.2. I was like WTF. So I undressed again and weighed myself. This time the scale said 106.8. I wasn't sure if the scale was lying to me or not so I moved it to a different spot and again weighed 106.8. I was like hell yeah!! So I lost a pound from yesterday to today. I am super happy. I am back on the right track. I am back to the weight I was two weeks ago. I feel accomplished. Now I just need to lose 2.8 pounds to get to my previous lowest weight and 4.8 pounds to get to 102. I have 12 days (including today) to lose 4.8 pounds. I can totally do this. Just think, from Tuesday to today, I have lost 3.2 pounds! Can you believe that? It's like mind-boggling. If I keep losing weight at this rate, I'll be about 100 (or below!) by January 31. I am super excited. I mean I finally feel like I am doing things right. I finally feel like it's okay for me to go see my therapist. She might actually believe me when I say I have an eating disorder. Once I reach 102, I will have a BMI of 17.5, the BMI requirement of an anorexic. If I can maintain or get below that and lose my period, I will finally be anorexic. Now I'm sure this makes me sound like a wannarexic (which I probably am), but I just hate being EDNOS. I mean what the hell kind of diagnosis is EDNOS? I feel like people won't take me seriously if I have EDNOS. They'll think I'm fake. When I talk to my friend in the hospital, I want to tell her what I've been keeping from her for almost 6 months. I don't want to tell her I'm EDNOS and I'm still a healthy weight. I want to tell her I'm anorexic and I'm being put into an inpatient program. Only then will I feel like I am truly sick. Thinking about what I just said made me realize I am already sick in the head. I guess I want my body to follow suit. Sorry if this pisses people off. That is definitely not my intent. I guess I'm just rambling. I don't even know what I'm saying. So yeah, I guess I'll leave it at this.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

tired! (again)

Okay, so today was a good day. When I weighed in (after my first post this morning) I was 107.8!! I was like woot! I couldn't believe my eyes. It's really though. I am back below the 110's. YAY me! =D
I went to college today. I found my room okay. I actually discovered a new way to enter the building and a better spot to be dropped off. =) My first class was Introduction to the Administration of Justice. It sounds so interesting. I can't wait to begin!. I also like the teacher. My second class is Criminology with the same teacher. It's even in the same room! It's back to back so I don't even have to go anywhere. Convenient!
I came home and decided to eat lunch. It was a planned break from my fast. I just get really sick when I fast: nausea, headaches, heart problems, shaking. So I ate what I planned on eating: some baked potato casserole thing (~220) and some corn (80). I really enjoyed the corn. It was nommy! I ate about 3/4 of the casserole stuff because I was full.
I had to take a nap after lunch. When I woke up, I thought I had never fallen asleep. Turns out I had been asleep for 2 hours!! 0.o It was much needed though. By the time I woke up, a fresh new layer of snow was falling. As a matter of fact, it is still falling now. It took us almost two and a half hours to go from my grandparents' house to my other grandma's house and back! Talk about crazy!
I came home and ate dinner. I had the remaints of my Applebee's chicken fajita roll-up (~360) and a mug of hot chocolate (60). I was so full I could barely finish my food. I probably shouldn't have finished it but I knew I need the nutrients.
So yes, that is my day in a nutshell. I am off to bed since I am way way WAY tired. Good night lovelies!

GAH! part 2

So yesterday I posted that I woke up at 5 am. Well I beat that this morning. I woke up at 2:30 to go to the bathroom. I had a hard time falling back asleep, but thankfully I was able to. BUT THEN.....I woke up again! This time I woke up around 4:30 am. I was like "are you fucking kidding me?!" So I've been up since 6 am preparing for my FIRST DAY back at college. YIKES!! I need to take a shower and shave but I'm going to wait til a little after 7. I figure I'll let my grandparents sleep a little bit longer.
Oh and also today, I was feeling my heart racing and trying to pound it's way out of my chest. It was super annoying and I couldn't get it to stop. I know it's from fasting, so don't worry, I'll eat. =( Speaking of medical problems due to fasting, I've almost thrown up three times this morning. I've swallowed stomach acid twice and just kinda gagged the other time. NOT COOL. >.< I feel like I could do it right now. But I'm not ending my fast quite yet. I'm waiting til I get out of school around 11 am. But then I'm going shopping for a little bit with my grandma so I'll have to wait even looonger. Oh well. I made it two days. I can make it two and a half. =) Plus, all this not eating is probably tearing up my stomach lining due to my crazy meds. 0.o
I have a serious headache right now (probably from lack of food) and it hurts! Grrr body! Work with me here. I am trying to perfect you! So I weighed myself around 5:30 this morning with my clothes on. The scale read....wait for it.....wait for it....109!! So I will definitely be below 110! YAY!! I'll post what I really weigh tonight. Okay, well I have to prepare for school since my alarm just went off. Talk to you  later my lovelies!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


I am so fucking TIRED!! I've been up since 5 am. It is now a little bit after 9 pm. I've been up waaay to long. This is probably going to be short and sweet. Well maybe not sweet but to the point.
I fasted again today. I almost gave into my craving of corn but I held out. I plan on eating tomorrow though. Hope I don't gain. =/
I had some serious anxiety problems today before, during, and after therapy. I was freaking out because I felt like I was too fat to see my therapist. Then I was freaking out because I felt too fat to go to group. I thought my thighs were to big and people would notive and think I was a fat pig (which I am!).
Group was okay. We learned 2 new skills: Pros & Cons and Radical Acceptance. Radical Acceptance is probably one of my least favorite skills. We played pictionary at the end to celebrate a girl "graduating". In other words, she was leaving the group. I'm going to miss her because she was so outgoing and spunky. I won't miss how much of a trigger she was for me. (She is super tiny!) There was food and lemon bars but I refused to eat some because 1. I didn't want to ruin my fast, 2. I didn't want them to think I was a  fat pig, and 3. I never EVER eat in front of my therapist. It's because they know I have an eating disorder and would I really have an eating disorder if I ate? No. So fuck food.. My therapist also offered me some nuts in her office because I was shakig so bad from not eating. I also was having heart palpitations, at least I think that's what it was. My heart was racing and I could feel it pounding against my chest. It was kinda scary. It also could have been from my anxiety.
Well this post has been long enough. I'm tired. So good night. Sleep well. I hope I sleep well because I start up college again tomorrow. 0.o YIKES! Wish me luck!

Monday, January 17, 2011


I feel amazing tonight! I fasted. I only had green tea and water today. I was tempted to eat dinner but then I was like "fuck that. I want to be skinny. Eating will make me fat." So I didn't eat dinner. YAY for fasting! I plan on fasting tomorrow too. I plan on fasting for as long as I can. I'm hoping I can get away with tomorrow too. I'll probably eat on Wednesday. That's when school starts back up. 0.o I'm so not ready. I am definitely not looking forward to it. =(
Other than that, my mood was okay. I wrote a card to send to my buddy. =) One is her Christmas card. lol. ;) I must admit, I still had some suicidal thoughts. It was mainly when my grandma and I were in Wal-Mart picking up prescriptions. I always see my drug of choice. =/ Bad Amber for planning on buying them. At least for now I am safe with my grandma and grandpa being there. So umm I guess that's all. Night!

Duh da duh!!!

That was supposed to be a trumpet intro but I don't exactly know how to spell it. Close enough. ;)
So I have been nominated (twice!) to list 10 random things about myself. Then it's my job to nominate 5 other lucky fellas. Ok, so are you ready? Here we go!

1.I go by my middle name Amber instead of my first.
2.I sleep with my stuffed heffalump, Lumpy, every night. He's from Winnie the Pooh. =D

3.I have 3 sisters (two half, one full). I'm in the middle!
4.I loooove toe socks! I have at least 7 pairs! Most of them are winter/christmas. hehe

5. My favorite band is Evanescence. I love Amy Lee!
Her eyes are amazing!
6.My eyes are hazel. They can turn from green to brown. They have little flecks of gold in them. I'm rather fond of my eyes. 0.o
7.My family has owned three hamsters: Hershey, Carmal, and Smorez (my little sister spelled/named them!). Hershey died after about 2 1/2 years. The other two died within a week of being at home! WE KILLED THEM!!!!! no jk. They both were sick. ='( Poopfaces at the store told us they were healthy. LIARS!
Ahem, anyways....
8.My buddy (the one I talked to yesterday) and I met in a placement. We have always been a positive influence on each other. She is very supportive and I love her to death. She is my best friend. =D When we were in the placement, we used to write notes to each other. In our notes we would always put a random word of the day. Here is one I got on the most recent card from her:
Card- a thick piece of paper folded in half containing words of encouragement! (This is the BEST card) -EVER!
(We also have a thing for PENGUINS!!!)
9.I looove taking pictures of the sky. I love the sunsets and the clouds. They are just so pretty. Here's a couple of my sky shots. Most of them were actually taken on my phone!!

My favorite is probably the second one. =)
10. I love to write poetry. I would really like to get a book published of all my poems, well maybe not all because I have like a zillion but some of them. =) I also want to write an autobiography. It probably will be crap because I suck at writing things other than poems but at least it will have a good title! It will be called Unbecoming Crazy. I'm rather fond of this title.

Okay, so that was me in a nutshell. So which of my lovely followers are getting to do this? Ready? Drumroll please....

Can't wait to read your responses!

Sunday, January 16, 2011


I ate like a pig today!! fuck fuck FUCK! I had 500+ calories from breakfast alone. Then I went out to Applebee's to meet up with my parents. I ate some of the chips and dip, then half of my chicken fajita roll-up. Let me look up how many calories it has. Drum roll please...1040 calories (fries included)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my fucking goodness! I only ate half so tha's 520 calories but it's still like holy shit! hjfiahnegfvdhsigkhkasdjhgksjhklghblkdhsgkjshkdjghvjkbazhdjkgvbkiajsxdhmgvjkshbdkgjvhskrsjbkjsehysd
That's how I feel about that.
Other than my intake, my day was good. I spent it working on a Harry Potter puzzle with my grandma. We (well, mainly me) got really far. Here's a really crappy pic. (Yes, it's on a checker/chess board 'cause I'm just cool like that.)

Thinking about it now, I realize I probably should have taken a pic of what it's supposed to look like. Oh well. You shall see that as my puzzle gets closer to completion.
My buddy from the hospital called. She is doing good. I got another letter from her today. Made me smile. It even had a penguin on it. (We have a thing for penguins) I still need to get her letters ready. 0.o I've had them since Christmas. FAIL! lol.
I still had some suicidal thoughts and feelings today. I try not to have them, but they just come and won't go away. They make me sad. I was also sad because of my hideous scars all over my body. I would post a picture but I wouldn't want to trigger anybody worse than I already do.
Thanks for your comments guys. Feels good to know that I can express myself on here openly. :)
Oh yes, and thank you for reading. For once I have a voice. Maybe I should start singing. jk jk jk. ;P

Okay, that is all.
Good night lovelies!


I'm feeling slightly better this morning, although I think that might be because I've only been up for an hour. No food. Nothing to trigger my bad thoughts. Just me, chilling on the computer waiting for the day to begin. Sorry for last night's negative post. I just wanted to share one of my journals. Maybe that wasn't a good idea. But don't worry, I'm okay. I was just expressing my feelings positively for once. I have several more of those. Most are about suicide. I do have a few on anorexia. I do have one called Breathe. It's about wanting to no longer breathe. It's pretty sucky. I was thinking about posting it on here but it's too bad. I like my other ones better. Maybe I'll post one of my anorexia ones at a later time. So yeah, I guess that's all for now.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

photo journal

I make these photo journals. They are just pictures I find off the web. I just add some comments inbetween. Check out my newest one.

You see these pills? I take them.

But the truth is,

I don’t want any more prescriptions.

Because right now,

All I think about is

I’m falling in love with some pills.

I’m falling to sleep with those pills.

Drinking and popping, the fun’s just getting started.

I’m dead thanks to those pills.


Yeah, it's depressing and negative but it's on my mind. I think about pills a lot. I saw pills tonight. I want those pills. This is the next best thing to get my feelings out. Sorry for being all suicidal.
Moggy-I must say that your comment made me chuckle. I like how long it was. ;]
Today wasn't horrible but the thoughts were still there. I weighed in at 110.4. I guess that's good. I lost .6 pounds. So yay? I don't know. I just know I was shocked as hell to see that low of a number on the scale. I thought for sure that I would have gained a zillion pounds thanks to my pancakes. I weighed in again tonight and had gained 2.2 pounds! I don't understand it. I ate less today than I have all week. It's like what the hell? I thought I did good. I didn't binge. I just ate semi-normal, only 675 calories. I thought I was making it. I don't know how I gained that much weight in food. FML.
I played on the computer a bit this morning until my grandparents got up. We ate brunch since it was breakfast for lunch. I helped sweep the house. We went to my little cousin's basketball game. We lost...big time. =( We went to the store to pick up some meds and some other random items. I was looking at the diet pills wishing I could buy some. Then I was looking behind the counter at the pills I would kill for, the pills I would die with. I can legally buy them now. It makes me happy. I don't have to steal the pills from the store like I did all those other times. I can pay for it with my own money because I am 18. Try to stop me now! Oh right. None of those thoughts. I talked some more to Lyn. She has been crappy at responding to my messages though. *tsk tsk* It's cool though. I took a genuinely happy picture of myself. I'm smiling because for once I thought my face/hair looked nice. I shall post it.
Looking at it closer, I realize that I am not pretty. I am UGLY. Sorry for the glare of the sun behind me. God, why did I take that photo?
Yes, well I suppose that is all. Thanks for following me. It's good to have someone listen. =]

I just want to say

I'm sorry to everyone. I'm sorry I'm depressed. I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm sorry for letting everyone down. I really appreciate your comments. They make me feel good, but then I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I realize more people care about me, more people who are going to be hurt when I try again. I am so so so sorry. Maybe I should just disappear, stop blogging and stop going on PT. I have too many people caring about me, too many people wanting me to live. I feel so guilty knowing that I'm going to mess up so many more people's lives by my actions. I don't mean to. I'm just so sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me.
I think for now, I will continue to post because this is my only outlet of my feelings. I can't talk to my therapist or my family about this. They all think I'm fine. If only they knew the truth. No, I don't want them to know the truth because then they would stop me. I don't want them to stop me. Sorry, I'm doing it again. I guess I will post later to tell you my weigh in. I'm sure I'll have gained but whatever. I'm honestly so numb right now I don't even care.

Friday, January 14, 2011

emotional roller coaster

I have been on a serious emotional roller coaster ride all day. I was down about the weight gain and made a plan to fast. I lasted until about 2 pm. After I ate, I started talking to my texting buddy from PT, Lyn. As the conversation progressed, my thoughts became darker. I stated I wanted to die. Lyn told me that she thought of me as a little sister. She would miss me if I died. That made me feel a million times better. Then as the day progressed even further, my mood died down as I was told we were going to IHOP, my weakness. I have a serious weakness for pancakes. So we got there. I ordered hot chocolate and chocolate chip pancakes. I received my four, yes FOUR, chocolate chip pancakes and ate them all. I ate them all with strawberry syrup. I also drank two hot chocolates with whipped cream. I felt full. I felt beyond full. I was so full my stomach hurt. I wanted to purge. I probably would have purged in the bathroom had there not been little kids in there. I texted my therapist for advice. She didn't respond for like 45 minutes. By this time we had left the restraunt and were in a laundromat to dry some clothes. While there, the urge continued. I finally broke down and went out in the car to talk to her. I talked to her for awhile. I got loud a couple of times and cried a whole bunch. I felt a little better afterwards though so I guess it was worth sitting out in the cold. So no purging. I get to keep my two year and nine month purge free record. Well it will be that in two days (the 16th). I feel kinda shitty again. Back to feeling hopeless and suicidal. I posted a thing on PT on a forum called Confessions. Let's just say I let out my plan(s). Probably not the best idea but I doubt anyone will care. No one will stop me. After all, no one knows who I am. All they see is a shitty picture with the name Amber next to it. Fuck the world. I'm going to bed because I'm just getting pissed off. Another mood swing. Sorry I killed the good mood. Night.


First of all, thanks for all the comments. I really enjoy getting them. They make me feel better. They make me feel like someone actually cares about what I have to say. So thanks! =D

Second, sorry for not posting yesterday. I didn't get on the computer til around 7 pm and I was talking to my mom on facebook. I was also on PT so I was doing a lot of multi-tasking. I went to go exercise with my grandma on the Wii. We did her 15 minutes and burned a wooping 35 calories! Oh yes. I am totally on a roll. jk. Then I did another 30 minutes and burned 99 calories. So my calorie burning of the day SUCKED! Oh but the upside of yesterday was I didn't gain. I just stayed the same (110.8). I really wanted to binge again last night but was able to hold out. Woot! Go me!! lol jk. I was at the hospital for my grandpa yesterday for his spinal tap thing. That took forever! So I read Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi. I didn't finish it because I kept stopping every 20 pages or so. I also talked with my grandma and some other random ladies in the waiting room. Fun stuff. Yeah, I guess that was all for yesterday.

Today has started off badly. I gained. Now it wasn't a bad gain, just .2 pounds but that is not good! I am way behind schedule on losing this weight. I won't reach my goal by the end of the month. I feel like I should just give up. I'm sure I will do that once I fail at meeting my goal. Gah!!! I'm such a failure. I don't know why I'm always messing everything up. This is supposed to be my area of control. I'm supposed to be in charge of my eating disorder. But am I? NO! I am not losing, because I am gaining! dhfskjdhgksdhgk That's how I feel about this. Just so aggravated. I feel like screaming. I plan on fasting today but I'm off to a bad start. I'm already feeling hungry. Grrr. But, I've noticed that if I give myself some time, the hunger passes. So that is what I'll do. I will avoid the kitchen and distract myself. Sounds like a plan. The only flaw in my plan is dinner. My grandma will want me to eat dinner. >.< I will have to be strong and resist. I won't let her take control. I am in control. I will prove that I can do this. I want to lose this weight and I will lose this weight. (Yeah, so I'm being bipolar in this paragraph. Typical me.)
You shall hear more from me later. Until then my lovelies!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


I appreciate the fact that you guys (does that offend you girls by calling you guys?) don't think I'm 12. I am 18. I know, big shock there. I'm horrible at guessing ages so I try not to do it. lol. You guys didn't do too bad though. =)
My grandma woke me up early this morning to take me to the doctor with her. Okay, actually it wasn't early. It was like 9:15 am but that to me is early. (I am waking up even earlier tomorrow! 0.o) I read my book while waiting at both of her doctors appointments. It's called Personal Demons by Lisa Derochers. I finished it earlier this evening. It was uber good. I didn't want to put it down. =D
I was hungry at first when I first woke up but then my hunger faded. It was a rather good feeling I guess. I'm not really sure how to describe it. It just felt good to beat out the hunger.
We went shopping for a new dryer and stove. That took forever but we got it done. =)
Grandma fixed a chicken lasagna (store bought) for dinner. I was at first just going to throw it out but I wanted to try it. I went back for seconds so I actually ate the full serving size which was 400 calories! 0.o Then I just couldn't stop eating. I binged. I ate the stuff I ate yesterday. I ate peanut butter and crackers. I ate a 35 calorie fudge bar. <--That was okay but totally unnecessary. Then I ate some carrots with dip. I feel so gross. I gained 2 pounds worth of food tonight. Ugh. I'm hoping I'll just stay the same weight. Oh yeah, I weighed in at 110.8 this morning. That's not horrible I suppose but I need it to be lower. I need to lose a pound every 2 days or else I won't reach my goal weight by January 31. ='( Fatty. Okay, well I need to go to bed so good night!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

"I thought you were 12."

Okay, I went to group. It was...n't as bad as I thought it would be. It was fairly simple. I said maybe 10 words the whole night. Wait, I take that back. I talked once we split up into parents and kids. All the girls thought I was 12. One thought I looked 14. It's like seriously? Do I really look so young? Here's some pics:

I really like the last one. I know you can't really see my face but maybe a side view will help you determine my age. (I don't really have any full body pics.) I want to hear what you guys think!
So I was fasting today and it was going really well. Then after group, my dad wanted to get dinner. At first I told him I would eat when I got back to my grandparents house. Then I changed my mind and got a burrito bowl (a burrito with no tortilla). I ate half of that on the way home. Then once inside, I ate a 100 cal pack of cinnamon coffee cake, a 90 cal Special K bar, a 140 cal peanut granola bar, and 450 cals worth of cookies. So I'm pretty sure that makes me a fat ass. The worst part about this was the fact that I wasn't even hungry. I just kept eating and eating and eating. Fucking fat ass. I'm not going to fast tomorrow. Actually I think I will. I'm just going to throw out my leftovers from yesterday and today. I'll just say I ate them. It's a shame to waste food but it's even more of a shame to be FAT. I'll post my weight tomorrow. I feel bad about it already. I shall apologize in advance for my fatness. Well, I guess that's all. Peace.

*God, I'm so fucking ugly!


I am like seriously anxious off the wall. I could for real start screaming akjsdhfkafka or something. I am seeing my therapist for the first time of the new year. I am anxious about that because I am ashamed to weigh so much after weighing so little. =( Also I'm anxious because I am going to my DBT group for the first time. I don't want to go. Want to know why?
-I don't like people. (no offense!)
-I'm too fat to go out in public.
-They will judge me.
-I will judge them.
-I don't know how to interact with people.
-They will all be younger than me.
-I will compare myself to them.
That is 7, yes seven, whole reasons why I don't want to go. I don't want to do this!! >.< Grrrr! fml.

Monday, January 10, 2011


No, that does not stand for Wednesday-Thursday-Friday just in case that was what you were thinking. No, jk. I know that probably wasn't it. Anyways, I am feeling kinda manic right now. It's a weird feeling. I feel kinda down and mad because I'm gaining back all the weight I just lost, but at the same time, I feel kinda hyper or something. It's hard to describe. So yeah. I guess really there isn't much to say besides the fact that I am going to gain more weight tomorrow. I want to fast tomorrow but I doubt I can do it. fml. I binged yesterday. I binged today. I am just so fucking gross. I'm losing sight of my bones. I want them back! FUCK FOOD!! I don't need it. I don't care if it nourishes me. I don't care if I need it to survive. Why don't I care? Because I don't want to survive. I don't want to feel fat because all I can do is shove bite after bite of food down my throat. I don't want to feel so full my stomach hurts. I want to be empty. I want to purge. I want to be skinny and not FAT! fuck fuck FUCK!
Sorry, excuse my language. Enough of my shit crap. Good night.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

two words

i gained.

Saturday, January 8, 2011


Pathetic pathetic pathetic! I gained 3 fucking pounds in 2 days. fuck fuck FUCK!!! I will make up for it. I am so mad at myself. I need to be punished. I was finally on the right track and now I'm just throwing it all away. If I don't weigh 106 by the time I go see my therapist, I don't know what I'll do. I won't tell her my weight. I'm too fat, too fucking fat. I did better today though. I didn't eat the whole house. I ate around 500 calories. I still feel like that's too much. I hope I lose tomorrow. I need to lose a pound a day. I need to be 106 by Tuesday. I want to eat right now but I'm resisting. I have to be strong. I did an hour of exercise on the Wii. 239 calories burned. Not enough. Fat cow. I need to do more. I'll do more in my room before I go to bed. Okay, well enough of my thoughts. Hope your guys day went well.

Friday, January 7, 2011

attack of the DINOS!!

I guess today was good. No, today was good. I went to see a dinosaur exhibit at Union Station. It was so cool. They had fossils and mechanical dinos. 0.o Super sweet. Some of the dinos even moved! At the end, there was a chance to Build-A-Dino. It's the same thing as Build-A-Bear but with dinosaurs. (For those of you who don't know what Build-A-Bear is, it's a place where you can "bring to life" your own stuffed animal. You pick an animal out, put a heart in it, get the fluffy stuff put in, sew it up, and VOILA! You have a new stuffed animal. It's pretty sweet.) I wanted to do one but my grandma said it was too expensive. It's cool though. I told my mom about it so my little sister might go see it tomorrow.
After that, we came home. I tried to order my school books for the new semester but wasn't able to online. I printed out my booklist and went to the school with my grandma. I was in and out in less than 20 minutes. =) That's way better than the first time I bought my books (last semester). It was even less than I thought it would be. Online it said it would be over $600. In the store, though, it only cost around $350. I was much happier with that price. =)
We came home, again. My grandma wanted to watch her soaps so I came to my room and played on the computer. Then once my grandpa was up from his nap, I went out and said it was time to exercise. So we did our 15 minute workout (pathetic but my grandparents are really out of shape). =/ Then we played bowling (on the Wii). For some reason my ball kept curving. I couldn't get it to go straight so I gave it to my grandma. (We only have 2 remotes.) I wanted to play baseball so my grandparents let me. It was kinda hard trying to figure it out. I only played one inning. The other team scored 4 runs...BUT I scored 9!! 3 of them were even home runs! Can I say woot woot? lol jk.
We went out to dinner with my grandparents friends/neighbors. It was kind of awkward. They were all talking and I was sitting there all quiet. It was like I wasn't there. (I kinda wished I wasn't.) Then I saw this super skinny girl. I was super jealous. I had to keep myself from staring. I want to be like her..only skinnier.
Now I am back home updating PT and here. Did I tell you guys that I joined a group diet (January XYZ)? Well if I didn't, I did now. ;) I'm only supposed to have a max of 800 calories a day. Once again, I went over. It wasn't as bad as yesterday though, only 920. Still, I am such a disgrace. At least I'm not binging though. I'm just eating more. I will post my weight tomorrow. I am super scared to weigh myself though. I'm scared I gained again. I probably did 'cause I'm a fat ass. Whatever. Well good night.
P.S. Sorry my posts are always so long. This is also my own personal journal. It's better than writing everything down by hand. =P Okay, night!

2 pounds!

I gained almost 2 pounds from yesterday to today!! WTF?!! It is so gross. So much for my "progress". I have been eating like a pig today too. Obviously I want to be fat. I'm sure I'll gain tomorrow too. Why am I such a pig? I was so proud of myself yesterday morning before I ate the whole house. Now look at me. I'm back in the healthy range. No! I don't want to be healthy. I WANT TO BE SICK! I want to be able to walk into my therapist's office and have her go "Amber, how much do you weigh?" and respond "102". Then I want to say 95. 90. 85! I want her to truly see that I have an eating disorder. I want her to see how "sick" I really am, because to be honest, I don't feel sick. Maybe once I reach 102 (BMI 17.5), I will start to feel sick. But no, I doubt it. I think I will always believe that I am fat. Ugh. Fucking kill me (figuratively?).

Thursday, January 6, 2011

currently feeling: fat =/

Today was a good day I suppose. I kept pretty busy. (Mom wants to keep me on a schedule.) I woke up around 8:30. I did my weigh in (106.8). I ate some french toast casserole with syrup (120) with light vanilla soy milk (70). Then I had a light yogurt (100). So it was off to a bad start food wise. My grandma and I played a crossword puzzle on the Wii. It was kinda hard but it was still fun. We woke up my grandpa so we could go to his doctor's office. On the way there, we stopped at Burger King for lunch. I got a small onion ring (310). I almost forgot about the raspberry tea. I don't know how many calories were in that. =/ Grandpa picked up his pills. Then we stopped by a couple of gaming stores so my grandma could find a workout game for the Wii. I helped pick one out. We came home and started working on the lasagna. It was really weird because the turkey breast when cooked turned white. Oh well. Once it was done, I ate two pieces (550). It was bad. It wasn't even as good as the first time I had it. =( We got the game set up on the Wii and did a 15 minute workout. It was rather easy but that was the best my grandparents could do. They had a really hard time with it. 0.o Then to top it off, I had a big bowl of ice cream (300). Horrible horrible horrible. So today I had a total of 1450 calories (not including the raspberry tea). How disgusting am I? I gained 3.6 pounds worth of food. I will definitely have gained tomorrow. =( It's okay though. I can and will lose the weight.
Well good night everybody. Have a good day tomorrow!


I haven't posted in a few days. On Monday, things went totally wrong. My appointment with my psychiatrist was horrible. I started screaming at him, walked out while saying I was done with this, and went into the bathroom and punched the wall/mirror while screaming. Yeah, so that obviously did not go well. On the way home from my appointment, my dad was trying to talk to me in the car and I was still angry so that didn't go well either. I got home and took a two hour nap. Things were okay for awhile until my mom got home. I was trying to tell her about my appointment, but I started screaming again. Then my dad and older sister joined in. I was freaking out. I was completely manic. Then finally I ran out of the house (it was in the 20's that night) with no coat or shoes. I walked down to a busy street and laid down in the middle of the road. I was almost hit but the guy swerved out of the way just in time. I felt the force of the car on my hair. He slammed on his brakes and hopped out of the car. Some other people stopped too. They were all asking if I was okay. I just stood up and started walking away crying. The guy followed me. He talked to me and asked me if he could take me home. I didn't want to go home but I figured I should because I fucked him up enough. I mean that guy is going to be scarred for life. He took me home and talked to mom and dad. The cops came. (I guess a few people called the police.) I told them I wanted to go to the hospital. My dad told the first officer on the scene that he might need back-up. I was like no, I want to go. So the back-up arrived and they talked to me some more. Then they agreed on where they were taking me. The lady officer said she needed to pat me down to make sure I had no weapons or anything on me. I started freaking out and crying. It just brought up some bad memories. Then she had to handcuff me. I wish I wouldn't have had to been handcuffed but I wasn't going to fight. I wanted the admission to be voluntary. So we got to the ER around 8 pm. My parents met up with us there. It took FOREVER to get onto the psychiatric unit. I didn't get on the unit until 2:30 am. SJFKSKF I was super tired. Suprisingly they let me keep all my clothes even though they had strings on them. They did take my shoes though. I changed into the gowns and went to sleep. I didn't sleep well though. They woke us up around 7. I was tired and had no clue where I was going. I figured it out and went to get my vitals taken. After that, I just kinda laid back down for a little bit until it was time for breakfast. I didn't eat. I was going to drink some juice but was too scared. I took a much needed shower. It was freezing cold and people kept barging in on me. It was like jsfalkf. So I went about my first day in an adult psychiatirc hospital. I ate 5-6 bites of green beans for lunch and a salad with fat free dressing (half serving). Even with just that I felt fat.  I met with my doctor for my visit and that didn't go well. I almost freaked out after I talked to him but I kept it together. I figured he wanted me to act out and I wasn't going to give him what he wanted. I worked on a puzzle to calm down. A new girl (well technically lady) came. We started to hang out. We played Scrabble. (I won.) We also talked about ourselves. She became my roommate for a couple of hours but then she got moved out so she could be on an inclined bed. Yesterday morning I woke up feeling like shit. I mean total shit. I went to the bathroom and ended up throwing up while on the toilet (TMI?). Thankfully there was a trash bag in there. Then I went to sit in the "living room" waiting to get my vitals taken. Right after my blood pressure was taken, I could feel myself getting sick again.. I just barely got the cuff off and into the bathroom in time. Then right before breakfast, I threw up AGAIN. It was all bile. It was super gross. I haven't thrown up in ages (and no, this was not self-induced.). I agreed to eat some breakfast to hopefully settle my stomach. My stomach was still queasy after that. I went to a group and then fell asleep during goals group (accidently). After my little nap, I felt better. I ate some lunch (chicken tenders and tater tots with bbq sauce). I felt super fat. I went about my day doing the puzzle and participating in another group. I saw the doctor again and was told I was being discharged. Woot! My roomie left around 3 or 4 pm. I was all alone again. She was the only one I ever talked to there. I ate 3 slices of peaches and 1/4 of my salad for dinner. I wasn't even hungry (must have been from lunch). My parents got there around 6:30 to pick me up. I was like heck yes! It was so good to get out of there. It was seriously so boring. I mean I know psych wards aren't meant to be fun but that was just pathetic. You could do whatever you wanted really. It was all okay though. I was out and a free woman once again. I went back to my sister's house to pick up my stuff and came back to my grandparents. That's where I am now. I was kinda happy to be back because they have a scale. I weighed myself this morning and guess what I weighed. 106.8!!!!! I was super psyched. It is usually super hard to get below 110, but I did it! Next hurdle will be 100. I hope when my therapist sees me she will think I have lost weight. I've lost 7 pounds since I last saw her a week ago. =D I'm hoping I'll be down to 102 when I see here on Tuesday but I probably won't be. I just have to think positive. =) So that is my long story. I'm doing much better now. Hope you all are good.

Monday, January 3, 2011


Unicorn-I have no idea how to describe egg nog. I really like it though. Maybe try a small glass next year or something. Worst case scenario is you don't like it.
I feel like shit today. Woke up at 7ish this morning and was super out of it. I knew I needed some sugar in my body. I was able to find some apple juice and drank that. It helped a little but I knew I needed some actual food. I tried to eat a fruit cup in black cherry jello. It was only 100 calories. I took two bites and spit it out. I just couldn't do that. I freaked out over the pineapple (I really don't like it.). So instead, I ate a piece of cinnamon raisin bread. That really helped. I was feeling back to normal. I had to see my lovely psychiatrist this morning. That did NOT go well. I was screaming at him (again!) and finally just walked out. I ran into the bathroom crying and started punching the mirror and the wall. Thankfully I didn't break anything (in the office or my hand). I know just have some bruises. So I guess that means that I am done with that psychiatrist. I think I am done with them all. Obviously meds aren't helping. Obviously therapy isn't helping. After my session with my psych, I called my therapist and told her I was quitting therapy. She told me I had to come in to end it. I see her tomorrow for the last time, then I am done. I'm tired of failing at everything I do. My dad and (old) psychiatrist tell me I'm not doing anything to help myself. They say I am holding back. I don't see how that is the case. I tell everyone, well at least my mom and therapist, why I am relapsing into my eating disorder. They know I am depressed. My psych knew I was depressed. I seriously hate him! It's like WTF, I told him all he needed to know to help me and he did nothing. What an ass! Anyways, so after my appointment, a yelling session with my dad in the car, and a very disturbed phone call to my therapist, I went to bed. I just curled up on the basement couch and slept. I woke up to go to the bathroom and went back to sleep. I went to sleep again and woke up again having the need to pee. I woke up but this time was different. First, the toilet water had never turned off downstairs the first time after I went to the bathroom. I had to come upstairs and tell my dad. I used the upstairs bathroom. I thought I was going to die. I was so hot and just felt so funny. I was feeling like an overdose gone wrong. (Trust me though, I didn't take anything.) I took off my sweater and splashed freezing cold water on my face. By this time, my dad was freaking out asking me what I was doing in the bathroom. I came out and said I was trying to cool down. I came to the kitchen to where my laptop are at. Next thing I know, I am freezing. Goose bumps and shivering. I was that freaking cold. It's 74 degrees at my house and I am wearing sweats, toe socks, a t-shirt and my new hoodie. I am still a little cold. I don't know what is wrong with me. I had a chance to weigh myself this morning while my dad was in the shower. I weighed 112.4. I know the scale is lying. I am much fatter than that. That is also with food and liquid in my stomach. Still I'm such a fat ass. (I've kinda given up on positivity today.) So here I am, shaking and freezing cold in the kitchen. I feel thirsty but I know if I get anything, it'll only be water. As for food, I don't want it. The thought repulses me. Even the smell this morning repulsed me. Ugh, so gross. Well I just wanted to get this out. Don't know what I'm doing now but yeah. I feel dead. Okay. I guess that is all. Thanks for listening to my bull.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Day 2/Outfit 4

Today was good I suppose. I finally got out of bed at 11 am. I had been up on and off since 8 am. The cat was all snuggled at my feet so I couldn't turn over. >.< Oh well. So I got up and was informed that my sisters were going to see Tangled. I was invited so I decided I wanted to go. I didn't eat anything beforehand because I planned on snacking on popcorn at the theatre. I had maybe 30 pieces. They didn't even taste that good. I estimate those at 120 cals. A lot for something so little. The movie was good. It was kinda predictable though, but what do you expect from a Disney movie? *shrug* I came home and ate 1/2 of an apple (40 cals). My sister ate the other half. We watched Despicable Me. Everyone kept telling me that I had seen it already but I know for a fact that today was the first time I ever saw it. I didn't like it at first but it got better. :) I played on the computer for awhile. I ate dinner: a packet of oatmeal (130), 10 baby carrots with ranch dressing (75), and 1 serving of four cheese mashed potatoes (110). So I feel like that's a lot. It totals 475. That is 75 less than yesterday. (I had oatmeal (150) and a glass of egg nog (170) after my post yesterday.) I know I should feel like I'm doing good but I still feel like I'm doing horrible. I feel like I shouldn't have eaten anything. I feel so fat. Scratch that. I just have to look at it like I'm getting skinny. That's all I want, to be skinny, to be beautiful. I will be those things.
So even though I said I wasn't going to show any more pictures of myself in my new clothes, I am going to anyways. I have to because the shirt doesn't look right when it's not on someone. So yeah, here it is.

So yeah, that's me, fatness and all. <-- When I say that, I am not looking for all the comments saying how I'm not fat and all that shizz. I'm saying it because that is how I see myself and I don't want to hear your lies. I guess that is all. Good night!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Day 1 of 2011

First let me talk about my New Year's Eve. I spent it with my family watching movies. No drinking or food (well some candy). Just good fun family time. We watched the ball drop in New York. My sister and I counted down the final seconds of 2010. Then it was WOOOOOO!!!!! lol. No really though. My sister was screaming her head off. We finished watching our movie and went to bed. It was a good night.
As for today, the first day of 2011, it's been kinda up and down. =/ I woke up at 8 am to go to the bathroom and couldn't go back to sleep. So what did I do? I got up and put in The Biggest Loser: Last Chance Workout. I couldn't do everything because I didn't have weights. I pretty much just did the cardio and not the strength training. I was so freaking dizzy and lightheaded. It was crazy. I don't think I even burned 100 calories. It was pathetic. I should do my dad's workout videos. His are called Insanity..literally. I tried doing one once but was so lightheaded I had to stop. It was pathetic. Am I just really out of shape or what? I don't understand why doing workout videos kills me. I do fine when it comes to bicycling or running (on an eliptical). Why can I not manage a simple workout video? Fat failure. No no. Enough of that. I'm supposed to be positive. Moving on..
I came upstairs and started looking at the pictures we had been looking at last night. I don't know why I wanted to trigger myself. I guess I just wanted to see myself before the eating disorders. I wanted to see pictures of myself just to see how skinny (more like fat) I was. It was disgusting to look at my body. Oh wait! I'm doing it again! UGH! Failing at my resolutions already I see. Anyways, then I got on my own computer and checked Facebook and Blogger and PT and all the other lovely sites I'm on. I drank my water trying to fill the void in my stomach. My mom wanted me to help prepare the dinner for tonight (roast beef-which I will not be eating). I was hungry so I went and looked at the calories on the cinnamon raisin bread she had bought at the store. 80 calories. Nice, simple, but still too much. I ate it and started to help with the carrots and potatoes. I was really no use so my dad had to come and help. I went about my day again on the computer. I felt gross. I felt disgusting. I wanted to scream and tear at my body. So I went downstairs and starting doing crunches, then the plank. I was so upset I wanted to cry..but I didn't. I came back upstairs and watched tv with my parents. I knew my grandparents were on the way to pick up my little sister and me. We were going to the movies. Tron was great! I loved it. It was a little confusing but good nonetheless. I ate some movie theatre popcorn. It was covered in butter. I'm going to say I ate 150 calories worth of popcorn. It was probably less than that but it is best to overestimate just in case.
So that has been my new year's day up until 5:20 pm. Don't know if I'll post later on as well but that's the start of my new year. Hope your day was great!