Monday, January 31, 2011


Tonight I am feeling apathetic? numb? something? anything? Nothing. I ate like the fat bitch I am. I just put more and more food into my mouth. The only thing I remembered tasting was the yogurt, the vanilla yogurt. What else did I eat today? A 6 inch sub, 3 cookies, a Special K bar, dried fruit, 2 Peanut Butter Patties, lasagna, Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich, yogurt. Is that really so much? Yes, Watson, I think it is. Wow. I feel so fat after admitting to eating that. Gross. Disgusting. FAT. I am gross, disgusting, fat. I am a monster. I am a whore, a slut, a bitch. Food is my pimp. It controls me. I do not control it. I am not in control. I am out of control. I want control. I want perfection. I want emptiness, thin, and beauty. I want everything I'm not. I want everything I wish I could be, everything I will never be. I am a horrid creature. I don't deserve food. I don't deserve air. I deserve to die. I deserve to starve. I deserve to suffer. I deserve to cut, bleed, scream, cry, hurt. I deserve to rot in hell. I will soon rot in hell. I hate the world. I hate myself. I hate life. I will end it. I will end it all.

3 words from my listeners:

GraceyJ said...

yuuuuuuuuuum special k bars are so fucking good. your not a fat bitch and not disgusting either.
and please dont do anything silly! i will miss your blogging :P and you deserve better lovely.
stay strong.

SilentNightmare said...

Agreed deserve to be lovely hun, please don't do anything you'll regret hun *hugs* or anything stupid

NightFlower said...

We'd miss you very much if you did anything. And I think we all agree that you deserve better. xx

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