Monday, January 3, 2011

shit

Unicorn-I have no idea how to describe egg nog. I really like it though. Maybe try a small glass next year or something. Worst case scenario is you don't like it.
*****
I feel like shit today. Woke up at 7ish this morning and was super out of it. I knew I needed some sugar in my body. I was able to find some apple juice and drank that. It helped a little but I knew I needed some actual food. I tried to eat a fruit cup in black cherry jello. It was only 100 calories. I took two bites and spit it out. I just couldn't do that. I freaked out over the pineapple (I really don't like it.). So instead, I ate a piece of cinnamon raisin bread. That really helped. I was feeling back to normal. I had to see my lovely psychiatrist this morning. That did NOT go well. I was screaming at him (again!) and finally just walked out. I ran into the bathroom crying and started punching the mirror and the wall. Thankfully I didn't break anything (in the office or my hand). I know just have some bruises. So I guess that means that I am done with that psychiatrist. I think I am done with them all. Obviously meds aren't helping. Obviously therapy isn't helping. After my session with my psych, I called my therapist and told her I was quitting therapy. She told me I had to come in to end it. I see her tomorrow for the last time, then I am done. I'm tired of failing at everything I do. My dad and (old) psychiatrist tell me I'm not doing anything to help myself. They say I am holding back. I don't see how that is the case. I tell everyone, well at least my mom and therapist, why I am relapsing into my eating disorder. They know I am depressed. My psych knew I was depressed. I seriously hate him! It's like WTF, I told him all he needed to know to help me and he did nothing. What an ass! Anyways, so after my appointment, a yelling session with my dad in the car, and a very disturbed phone call to my therapist, I went to bed. I just curled up on the basement couch and slept. I woke up to go to the bathroom and went back to sleep. I went to sleep again and woke up again having the need to pee. I woke up but this time was different. First, the toilet water had never turned off downstairs the first time after I went to the bathroom. I had to come upstairs and tell my dad. I used the upstairs bathroom. I thought I was going to die. I was so hot and just felt so funny. I was feeling like an overdose gone wrong. (Trust me though, I didn't take anything.) I took off my sweater and splashed freezing cold water on my face. By this time, my dad was freaking out asking me what I was doing in the bathroom. I came out and said I was trying to cool down. I came to the kitchen to where my laptop are at. Next thing I know, I am freezing. Goose bumps and shivering. I was that freaking cold. It's 74 degrees at my house and I am wearing sweats, toe socks, a t-shirt and my new hoodie. I am still a little cold. I don't know what is wrong with me. I had a chance to weigh myself this morning while my dad was in the shower. I weighed 112.4. I know the scale is lying. I am much fatter than that. That is also with food and liquid in my stomach. Still I'm such a fat ass. (I've kinda given up on positivity today.) So here I am, shaking and freezing cold in the kitchen. I feel thirsty but I know if I get anything, it'll only be water. As for food, I don't want it. The thought repulses me. Even the smell this morning repulsed me. Ugh, so gross. Well I just wanted to get this out. Don't know what I'm doing now but yeah. I feel dead. Okay. I guess that is all. Thanks for listening to my bull.

5 words from my listeners:

NightFlower said...

I'm sorry things are so bad =( Please be careful. I hope you feel a little better tomorrow xxx

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry things are so tough at the moment.
Hope you feel better soon.
x

Tiffany Tilly said...

Sounds like you're coming down with something or it could just be from the chaotic day you had and the lack of eating. I hope you have a better day tomorrow and you feel better. I've went through those strange temp. problems before, they're not fun but they do go away or at least they did for me, hope they do for you too, try to sleep it off.

Erin said...

It kind of sounds like your body sort of freaking out from all the mental stress. I'm sorry it's been so tough. Know you're loved.

Becky said...

Omg, we are so alike :( I've been so depressed lately and have been trying to sleep it all off. I don't think it's helping though...

You sound like you might be sick, hun! Chills and heat flashes, feeling out of it, I think you should maybe go see a doctor. There's a lot of stuff going around this time of year.

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