shit

Unicorn-I have no idea how to describe egg nog. I really like it though. Maybe try a small glass next year or something. Worst case scenario is you don't like it.
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I feel like shit today. Woke up at 7ish this morning and was super out of it. I knew I needed some sugar in my body. I was able to find some apple juice and drank that. It helped a little but I knew I needed some actual food. I tried to eat a fruit cup in black cherry jello. It was only 100 calories. I took two bites and spit it out. I just couldn't do that. I freaked out over the pineapple (I really don't like it.). So instead, I ate a piece of cinnamon raisin bread. That really helped. I was feeling back to normal. I had to see my lovely psychiatrist this morning. That did NOT go well. I was screaming at him (again!) and finally just walked out. I ran into the bathroom crying and started punching the mirror and the wall. Thankfully I didn't break anything (in the office or my hand). I know just have some bruises. So I guess that means that I am done with that psychiatrist. I think I am done with them all. Obviously meds aren't helping. Obviously therapy isn't helping. After my session with my psych, I called my therapist and told her I was quitting therapy. She told me I had to come in to end it. I see her tomorrow for the last time, then I am done. I'm tired of failing at everything I do. My dad and (old) psychiatrist tell me I'm not doing anything to help myself. They say I am holding back. I don't see how that is the case. I tell everyone, well at least my mom and therapist, why I am relapsing into my eating disorder. They know I am depressed. My psych knew I was depressed. I seriously hate him! It's like WTF, I told him all he needed to know to help me and he did nothing. What an ass! Anyways, so after my appointment, a yelling session with my dad in the car, and a very disturbed phone call to my therapist, I went to bed. I just curled up on the basement couch and slept. I woke up to go to the bathroom and went back to sleep. I went to sleep again and woke up again having the need to pee. I woke up but this time was different. First, the toilet water had never turned off downstairs the first time after I went to the bathroom. I had to come upstairs and tell my dad. I used the upstairs bathroom. I thought I was going to die. I was so hot and just felt so funny. I was feeling like an overdose gone wrong. (Trust me though, I didn't take anything.) I took off my sweater and splashed freezing cold water on my face. By this time, my dad was freaking out asking me what I was doing in the bathroom. I came out and said I was trying to cool down. I came to the kitchen to where my laptop are at. Next thing I know, I am freezing. Goose bumps and shivering. I was that freaking cold. It's 74 degrees at my house and I am wearing sweats, toe socks, a t-shirt and my new hoodie. I am still a little cold. I don't know what is wrong with me. I had a chance to weigh myself this morning while my dad was in the shower. I weighed 112.4. I know the scale is lying. I am much fatter than that. That is also with food and liquid in my stomach. Still I'm such a fat ass. (I've kinda given up on positivity today.) So here I am, shaking and freezing cold in the kitchen. I feel thirsty but I know if I get anything, it'll only be water. As for food, I don't want it. The thought repulses me. Even the smell this morning repulsed me. Ugh, so gross. Well I just wanted to get this out. Don't know what I'm doing now but yeah. I feel dead. Okay. I guess that is all. Thanks for listening to my bull.