Sunday, January 23, 2011

I'm ok

I'm fine. In fact, I'm downright happy. No, not really but let's pretend I am. I had a major break down yesterday after I proceeded to eat even more food after my pasta salad and poptarts. I had half a can of Spaghettios, 2 biscuits, and a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich. I felt so fat and so full. I wanted to purge. I texted my therapist and asked her to give me 10 good reasons not to purge. She gave me one: it doesn't work. Of course, that was no use. I texted her back telling her I wanted to "purge, cut, die". She told me to call her. So I called her. She wanted to know what was wrong. I sounded so stupid for saying I wanted to die because I'm getting so fat again. She keeps telling me I'm underweight. I'm not underweight! Why can't she see that? Why does no one see that? I'm still fat. I'm still fucking huge. I need to lose weight, not gain it. I just want to weigh 102. I'm late on my period. I don't know. This is what I want so why do I feel so fucking miserable? I just want to be skinny and pretty and beautiful, but deep down I know I will never be those things. I will always be fat and ugly and most of all, I will always be a monster. Sometimes I just want to die. I have all these plans to hurt myself. I'm supposed to get a refund check from my student loans. I'm hoping I get some of the money so I can buy a gun. NO! STOP! I'm not supposed to be saying this. Not that it matters. It's not like you can stop me. I'm sorry. Forgive me for saying all of this. I'm just tired of life. Maybe I'll do what I have planned when I go to see my therapist on Tuesday. Maybe. I'm not sure I want to do that. She'll find out and have me hospitalized. I don't have time for that. fuck.

6 words from my listeners:

SilentNightmare said...

I'm worried about you hun, please take care of yourself, i wouldn't want to lose you. I know being hospitalized may fuck up plans for the term but if its what you need right now be honest with your therapist please please please *hugs*

GraceyJ said...

im also worried! but thats way cool you can text your therapist(:

GraceyJ said...

and also i hope you feel better soon (:

Smallasapanda said...

I know it's so easy to say purging is bad for you, but after a binge it seems like the only good thing to do! I'm glad you have such good communication with your therapist, but don't harm yourself hun. Don't take life for granted!

heiscertainlyworthit said...

I am worried about you. Really worried. I don't want you to feel this way. You are beautiful, and you're not fat. Trust me. Check your BMI out, if you don't believe me.
You're a beautiful person, inside and outside (and I know that sounds cheesy, but you're caring and always give great advice to others...and you're soo thin!)
A lot of people on here love you, I know I do.

Chin up, and stay strong xx

AbiAnne said...

Oh hun stay strong. There are all these people out there that want the best for you and they don't even know you, me included. I know it's hard, but you can get through this! Your disease is talking! Don't let it win!
You are beautiful skinny and amazing. Read all the comments. Believe it girl! You're amazing!! xoxo

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