tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18442830206840025212024-02-08T05:30:30.375-06:00Thoughts of a MONSTERunbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.comBlogger346125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1844283020684002521.post-80188517440631237582012-12-20T20:05:00.000-06:002012-12-20T20:05:20.278-06:00accomplishments and ramblesThis post is ridiculously long.<br />
I keep meaning to make a post telling you guys how amazing I've been doing over the past couple of months. However, in the last three weeks or so, I've slowly been slipping. I feel like I'd be lying if I said I'm doing great. I do want to list what all I've accomplished before I type out my more negative thoughts.<br />
<br />
Accomplishments this year-<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>I'll be cut free for 18 months on December 23rd. I no longer have urges to cut at all.</li>
<li>I've been off my medication since the end of April and haven't needed to go back on.</li>
<li>I haven't been hospitalized since April. (that means I've only been hospitalized once this year o.0)</li>
<li>I got a tattoo that is meaningful to me and has kept me grounded too many times to count.</li>
<li>I've reached the point where it's not just that I don't want to die, but that I actually want to live.</li>
<li>I'm enrolled to go back to school in January.</li>
<li>I got my license over the summer. I am finally driving on my own.</li>
<li>I am now able to go to a store by myself and check out by myself.</li>
<li>I got rid of all my pills for overdosing and I gave my last blade to my therapist.</li>
<li>I actually experienced happiness.</li>
<li>I've been working on only needing acceptance and love from myself.</li>
<li>I'm still purge free. I don't want to figure the exact time for that. It makes me too angry.</li>
</ol>
<div>
I have accomplished a lot this year, especially in the last couple of months. This is just some of the things that I've done. There are many more little things. I am proud of the progress I have made. My family is proud of me. My therapist is proud of me. To think that for most of life, people (including myself) thought I would never get better. I'm glad I was able to prove everybody wrong. I'm glad that I was wrong.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Here comes the less positive stuff. While I've been doing so well for the past couple of months, I'm noticing that I am slowly slipping. Noticing my change in mood is really scary. I do not want to fall back down to where I was. I do not want to slip even a little. Thankfully I haven't had any urges to cut or kill myself, but I do still have urges to self-destruct. It's hard not giving into the urges to punish myself. There are times when I don't succeed and I end up in pain for weeks. I'm trying my hardest not to give in to these destructive desires. I know that it won't make me feel any better to destroy myself. I will only be pulled down further. But until I deal with my hatred of myself (yes, that is back with a vengeance), I will not be able to rid myself of these urges.</div>
<div>
I'm struggling with my eating disorder. There are days when I can eat and be totally fine. There are other days when it's a struggle just to drink water or a zero calorie drink of some form. My weight is fluctuating, but it is mainly declining. As much as it excites me to be losing weight, I know I need to stop. I wasn't any happier when I was at my lowest weight. Getting there again would be stupid on my part. I haven't been weighing myself often. For awhile, I wasn't weighing at all. As I've started declining, I've given into the urge to weigh and measure. I'm trying very hard to resist doing that because seeing the numbers is never a good thing, gain or lose. I have moments where I want nothing more than to purge. It is so hard to keep food in sometimes. It has been years since I have purged and these urges can hit me so hard that I curl up in a ball and cry. I sometimes have to keep myself out of the bathroom to reduce temptation. No matter how fat I think I am, purging won't make anything any better. Most days I barely eat enough to maintain. I shouldn't be worried about my weight. I'm trying not to do any hard exercise. That only results in me crying on the floor. It's a good and bad thing that I injured my leg. It prevents me from running, which is something I often want to do.</div>
<div>
Going Christmas shopping is hard. Trying to find new clothes (which I desperately need) is such a challenge. I don't want to buy anything because I'm not sure if I'll weigh the same in a few weeks (whether that be more or less). It makes things difficult especially when I need bras that actually fit. But what good is bra shopping when you keep growing and shrinking with weight gain/loss? It's ridiculous that I don't know what clothes actually fit me anymore. I'm so constantly fluctuating in weight, there is no middle ground. It's either too tight or too loose.</div>
<div>
I am more than aware that giving into my eating disorder will not make anything any easier, but as you all know, it's also not that easy to fight. Most of my behaviors are not even intentional. Lack of food in the house and lack of food I can actually eat at restaurants makes it easy to restrict. I'm somewhat trying to keep myself from slipping too far.</div>
<div>
Enough ED talk.</div>
<div>
I've noticed I've been more depressed. I don't have as much interest in things. I'm isolating even more than usual. I usually don't talk to my family, but now I'm starting to isolate from my friends too. It's very hard to re-develop friendships when I won't talk to people. Sometimes it's just too hard. Sometimes I can't say anything, but I feel reassured that the person is right there if I need them. I'm very irritable. Every little thing just seems to set me off. There are times when I just have to lock myself in the bathroom and self-soothe for however long it takes.</div>
<div>
I think that losing my great grandma was the start of my downward spiral. That was a very hard thing to experience. Watching her slowly deteriorate like that was horrible. It is why I never want to get old. I don't want to die like that.</div>
<div>
I think another thing that is contributing is the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School on the 14th. I read an article written by the mother of someone with a mentally ill son. In her article, she said "I am Adam Lanza's mother". Reading that article made me realize just what exactly I put my mother through. I feel so much guilt for just how terrible I was. Reading that article also made me realize that I could have been Adam Lanza. My life could have been so much different had my mom not forced people to hospitalize me and keep me in treatment. While I may have resented her at the time, I am so glad she did what she did because thankfully, I didn't end up like Adam. I am glad that I have changed, but things could have been so much different. It scares me knowing just how different things could have been. Would I have shot up my school? I don't know. I do know that I have been truly homicidal, not just "oh I'm going to kill you" in a fit of rage, but full-blown plotting just how I would murder people homicidal. I don't admit that often because thankfully most of my rage turned towards myself as I grew older. I know it does no good to think of the past and think about what-ifs, but things could have been much different. I'm having a very hard time accepting just how different things could have been. I have so much guilt for all the things I put my family through. It makes sense why my self-hatred is so very strong right now.</div>
<div>
Right now, I just need to find a way to keep myself from slipping further. I do not want to go back to the mess that I was. I need to focus on moving forward and not going back.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Sorry this was so incredibly long. <strike>doubt anyone actually read it, but that's ok.</strike></div>
unbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1844283020684002521.post-3693771495997974422012-12-03T18:22:00.001-06:002012-12-03T18:22:06.075-06:00Titles are lameThat super awesome moment when an accidental lapse turns into an intentional relapse. Oops. lol no. It's not an oops anymore. It's me being a dumbass because well I am just being dumb.<br />
My accidental lapse happened because I was dealing with my grandma being in the hospital and having to watch my great grandma who was close to dying. The stress of all that made it very hard to eat. When I did eat, I felt like I was going to throw up which does not help when also having purging urges. Then when I realized I was losing weight, I was like "yeah, let's keep it up" because that is clearly the smart thing to do.<br />
I knew I hadn't fully conquered my eating disorder (lol yeah ok) but I was not aware that it was still as controlling as it is. It's been rearing its head a lot more lately. It started before Thanksgiving. I think that was when my great grandma really started to decline. That's also around the time I found out about my uncle being an idiot. I thought I had it under control. Clearly not as I'm now purposely not eating which is dumber than dumb because almost passing out while driving is a great idea. No. My sister was in the car with me. That would have been fun to explain.<br />
I need to force myself to eat but I really just don't want to. The longer you go without eating, the easier it gets not to and the harder it gets to actually eat.<br />
This is when I need to focus on why I need to eat. I need the fuel for my body. I need energy to watch my nephew because passing out while carrying him up the stairs would be fun to explain as well. I need to be alert when driving. I can't really think of why else I need to eat. Food, who needs it? (There is a ton of sarcasm in this post)<br />
I need to get my shit together because I can't really afford for things to fall apart. I don't even know why I'm posting this. I don't think anyone even reads this anymore and it's been months since I last posted. I just don't feel like my recovery tumblr is the right place for it and my main tumblr is no longer disorder related. So I post it here where it is likely to never be read but oh who cares? Not like any of you can tell me anything I don't already know.<br />
Also I forgot to mention this earlier, my great grandma passed away on Saturday. Her death is making it even harder to eat. <strike>no that's just an excuse but hey won't it be awesome when i go into therapy for the first time in 3 weeks and my therapist goes "wow, you look great" because obviously she will say that.</strike><br />
Hey brain. It's time to stop being disordered. I'm done with that.<br />
I was going to say something else, but this isn't the best post for it so another post shall be made later.unbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1844283020684002521.post-70249671275355066512012-08-20T20:48:00.002-05:002012-08-20T20:53:48.225-05:00I did it :)(I do apologize for the length)<br />
Even though I had some doubts about getting my tattoo, I got it done. I was really nervous (ok, ok, I was scared out of my mind) but I got it done. It is so ironic how the very quote I was getting tattooed, helped get me through getting the tattoo.<br />
It took longer to get the design of the tattoo figured out than to actually get the tattoo. The longer it took to get the design right, the more anxious I got. I was full on crying before I even got in the chair. I must say that even though I've wanted this particular tattoo (I wanted some lame stuff when I was younger) for several months, I had never actually pictured myself in the tattoo parlor sitting in that chair getting it done. It was really scary. My aunt (the one who took me) was supportive and was able to help me get what I wanted across to the guy doing my tattoo. I felt so bad because I made him redo his drawing like four times and I thought he was mad at me. My aunt did freak me out a little when she kept telling me that it was okay that I was making him redraw the design since this would be on me permanently. Looking back (and even then) it was funny how I was so worried about it being permanent. I had this tattoo planned for months. The scars that I was going to be covering had been made in an impulsive moment. It was just silly.<br />
Getting the tattoo hurt like a bitch. Not even going to lie. That was also funny to me because I kept telling myself "oh you used to hurt yourself. you used to cut. this shouldn't hurt." but thinking about it now I have to realize that while I did cut in my past, I haven't cut in over a year. The pain isn't familiar anymore. I was very glad I took Lumpy with me. I squeezed him so tight and drenched him in tears and even some snot. I refused to look in the direction of my arm while getting it done. I was afraid I would freak out if I saw my arm before it was done or if I saw the tattoo gun. Half of the time my eyes were closed so it didn't really matter. When the guy was done and I saw my arm, I was so glad I got it done. All the doubts I had (even while actually getting the tattoo) went away. I knew I had made the right decision in getting it.<br />
Having to wait the 6 hours to take off the bandage was kind of torturous because I just really wanted to see it. The quick glimpse at the shop wasn't enough. When I went to actually remove the bandage, I freaked out. I got all scared and was doubtful. I refused to turn my arm over to look at my tattoo for a little bit. I was glad when I finally turned my arm over. It looked great. I did freak out at first though because there was a bulge over one of my deeper scars and I thought something was wrong. The swelling has gone down so it was fine, but I just wasn't sure and I was/am super paranoid about something going wrong.<br />
I have gotten so much positive feedback about this tattoo. It was probably the best thing I've ever done. Here is the magical picture you all have been waiting for:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dma3xVWFmmE/UDLmOlOYYFI/AAAAAAAAAJ4/epfjh5FILnU/s1600/my+tattoo2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dma3xVWFmmE/UDLmOlOYYFI/AAAAAAAAAJ4/epfjh5FILnU/s320/my+tattoo2.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
I absolutely love this tattoo. I am so glad I got it.<br />
My birthday was yesterday and that went well. I got mostly money which I have planned for putting towards a keyboard (a piano) and the Once Upon A Time season one DVD set. My sister also bought me a small canvas and acrylic paints! I'm very excited about that. Now to figure out what to paint. I had IHOP for dinner and then for dessert, I had hamburger cupcakes! They were good but I almost got sick towards the end of mine. Probably too much anxiety or just too much frosting. There was a lot.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4CBqc0Gnof0/UDLqATLuUtI/AAAAAAAAAKI/P2B8YEiYu4I/s1600/hamburger+cupcakes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4CBqc0Gnof0/UDLqATLuUtI/AAAAAAAAAKI/P2B8YEiYu4I/s320/hamburger+cupcakes.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
I have been in a really good mood and state of mind since my tattoo. I don't know if it was the tattoo that caused it or just finally a sense of peace within myself, but I am glad I feel this way. I hope the rest of my life stays this good. I know I'll still have my ups and downs, but I really hope I can remember where I am now.<br />
Usually birthdays aren't good days for me, but yesterday really was a good day. I didn't do much but I enjoyed it. I think it's so much easier to enjoy something when there aren't all the expectations on it. I have two goals set for this year: acceptance and self-love. There are other things I would like out of this year but I'm not going to make them goals. If they happen, great and if not, then it'll just give me a chance to practice acceptance. Is this where my life begins? I hope so.unbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1844283020684002521.post-79801189104231983152012-08-18T01:20:00.001-05:002012-08-18T01:20:45.490-05:00last day as a teenagerAnd just like that it hit me.<br />
I am <i>scared</i>.<br />
so fucking <i>scared</i>.<br />
I am supposed to be getting my first tattoo today.<br />
I'm starting to have second thoughts.<br />
Insecurities.<br />
Doubts.<br />
I want(ed) this tattoo so badly.<br />
I wish I hadn't let my mother's words stay rattling around in my brain.<br />
Look what it has done.<br />
Is it really about <i>me</i> not accepting the ink on my own skin?<br />
or<br />
Is this about my parents not accepting it?<br />
Why do I crave their acceptance so badly?<br />
I am not ready for what is happening.<br />
Time needs to slow down or just stop altogether.<br />
I am not ready to turn 20 tomorrow.<br />
I am not ready for a birthday.<br />
I am not ready for a "new year" and the expectations that come with it.<br />
The expectations are purely my own.<br />
They are damn near impossible to live up to.<br />
I must say that I accomplished one goal in my 19th year.<br />
I remained cut free through all of it.<br />
I was only hospitalized twice which is a drastic improvement from the countless times of my previous teenage years.<br />
19 was a good age.<br />
Well kind of.<br />
So much has happened in the past year and it's really amazing that I made it through as well as I did.<br />
I was almost admitted to a long term facility.<br />
That memory still hurts to bring up.<br />
I doubt Halloween will ever be the same.<br />
I finally accepted that I am gay.<br />
I have not given in to cutting, even though the urges have been strong.<br />
I have not given in to purging either.<br />
I think it was harder in that aspect at times.<br />
I have learned that no doesn't mean no for <strike>me</strike> certain people.<br />
This year I just think I had a lot of growth.<br />
You know what I want from this next year?<br />
I want acceptance and self-love.<br />
I am getting my tattoo today and those shall be the words I shall live by.<br />
<br />
"You are where you need to be. Just take a deep breath."unbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1844283020684002521.post-48656909842400187852012-06-23T23:38:00.001-05:002012-06-23T23:38:35.580-05:00CelebrateOne year cut free today. Never thought I'd make it here. I spent the whole day moving into my new apartment but it's ok. I have my own room again =D I am beyond happy about that. Hopefully bed soon. I'm beyond tired.unbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1844283020684002521.post-52636244808644141142012-06-04T16:03:00.001-05:002012-06-04T16:03:48.500-05:00the time has come to self-destruct.i have fought valiantly. that's the lie i tell myself anyway. but i don't even believe my own lie. i can't hide from the truth. that's all i've been doing: hiding. i push things away. if i deny what's right in front of me, that'll make it go away. denial has gotten me nowhere. stuffing things down only makes the moments when i feel the pain that much more intense. but even when i feel the "pain", what am i even feeling?<br />
<strike>hatred?</strike><br />
<strike>disgust?</strike><br />
<strike>shame?</strike><br />
<strike>guilt?</strike><br />
i realize that those feelings describe many things in my life that i push down. i'm not even sure what thing i'm describing right now. how can i know? i don't want to know. just push push push. don't let the feelings surface. don't face your demons. run. hide. even though, it has gotten me nowhere so far, i refuse to stand and face the things that haunt me most.<br />
god i have so many emotions bubbling to the surface right now. tears are threatening to spill over but i keep holding them back. tears won't solve anything. they never have.<br />
i'm so angry. i can't tell if it's actual anger or if i'm just covering the real emotion. either way, anger and hatred are so very strong in my core right now. finding the words to say is hard, but something in me keeps telling me to write. WRITE WHAT?!<br />
i don't understand what writing about it will do. it won't change the past. it won't change people's opinions and thoughts. no. i will still be stuck with it. and the tears begin to fall. anger's slipping into sadness, hurt. why won't it just stop? why won't my brain just forget? please please please just make the memories go away. make the feelings go away. make everything go away. i don't feel suicidal but part of me wishes i did. maybe if i was dead it would go away.<br />
you can't think if you are dead.<br />
you can't feel if you are dead.<br />
i feel so trapped. i have no release. no instant gratification. i would kill to physically self-destruct but i can't. almost a year cut free. wow. stupid record. i hate records. just like i've been purge free for over 4 years. am i proud of myself? NO! i am not proud. i am disgusted. disappointed. i hate my body. i hate myself. i want to destroy the thing i hate so badly but i can't. i fucking can't. almost a year of no cutting and i still haven't found anything *positive* to make me feel better. i can't get it out. it just won't come out.<br />
i barely have motivation to write anymore.<br />
talking goes in circles.<br />
other coping skills just distract. it doesn't solve the problem.<br />
i realize cutting never solved my problem either but at least i felt better. if only for that moment.<br />
some relief is better than none.<br />
why am i so fucked up?<br />
i don't even know what the fuck i am writing. this is not where i intended on going with this entry but my mind kind of took over. now i'm even more upset than when i began and i have no intent on finishing this entry with my original purpose. i am done with this entry. i can't handle it right now.unbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1844283020684002521.post-63027568762126787412012-05-06T21:41:00.001-05:002012-05-06T21:41:56.820-05:00"Home Is Where the Heart Is"They say "home is where the heart is"<br />
Few know home is also hell<br />
Then again no one would know<br />
What no one ever tells<br />
I live with a family so toxic<br />
Our love does only harm<br />
Most would be taken aback by the fights<br />
But for us, there's no alarm<br />
Fighting is normalcy<br />
It's the calm times that are worst<br />
In the eye of the storm<br />
Is when the damage most likely hurts<br />
If we never fought each other<br />
Nothing would make us close<br />
Other families bond through hugs<br />
We bond grabbing at each other's throats<br />
Our words come out as knives<br />
That we plunge into each other's backs<br />
Physical blows occur as well<br />
But only behind a door that's cracked<br />
As long as you can't see it<br />
The blow was never dealt<br />
But that doesn't mean no damage was done<br />
Trust me the pain was felt<br />
The bruises fade over time<br />
But the cuts we deal scar<br />
Some may not be physical<br />
But they stay forever on the heart<br />
Our love for one another<br />
Is twisted to say the least<br />
But home is where the heart is<br />
And at home lives family.unbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1844283020684002521.post-57173463770397017532012-04-12T21:03:00.002-05:002012-04-12T21:03:41.051-05:00this post is to merely say i am alive.unbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1844283020684002521.post-59315521163479386152012-02-28T02:20:00.000-06:002012-02-28T02:20:32.479-06:00(love) sick?laying in bed at 2 am feeling like you are going to throw up is so much fun.<br />
*sarcasm*<br />
i don't know why i feel nauseous.<br />
perhaps it's because i've been reading love stories.<br />
stories of girls falling in love with each other and being happy.<br />
maybe the sickly sweet love that i'll never have is making feel so ill.<br />
torturing myself with romance.<br />
seeing pictures.<br />
reading stories.<br />
even my ipod is against me.<br />
(i don't know why more than half of my ipod consists of love songs when i've never been in love.)<br />
it's sad really.<br />
wanting love.<br />
but not having it.<br />
people tell me they love me,<br />
but it's not the kind of love i want.<br />
i want someone to hold me in their arms while i sleep.<br />
someone to hold my hand in public.<br />
someone to kiss me and hug me and make me feel special.<br />
here come the tears i've been holding back.<br />
why do i always break down at night.<br />
it's always over this.<br />
homosexuality.<br />
love.<br />
being alone.<br />
it doesn't make sense.<br />
i hate myself so much for being gay,<br />
yet the one thing i want is to be loved by a girl.<br />
a girl i can call mine.<br />
a girl who wants me back.<br />
i am so fucking alone.<br />
love from a family member can only do so much.<br />
it doesn't fill this aching hole in my heart that can only be filled by some special girl who loves me.<br />
i don't mean the friendly love that is between best friends.<br />
i mean the love that two people share when they've found "the one".<br />
i'm not saying i want to marry the first girl i date.<br />
i just want to feel like someone wants me.<br />
like someone needs me.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dyl-PtdbBIeVrYMa93rP5VlK0ecISFO5k9a05oiZjEhXLhIRWr9Yxw9lvz1iwGizGmP27eIDNGLUDXoSYwzsA' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i>I just want somebody to love me.</i></div>unbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1844283020684002521.post-25459809389064772502012-02-24T00:36:00.001-06:002012-02-24T00:36:54.644-06:008 months cut free as of 2/23/12unbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1844283020684002521.post-11515211741944013162012-02-21T22:46:00.000-06:002012-02-21T22:46:49.425-06:00when being gay doesn't make you gaylife is not going well right now.<br />
what is wrong?<br />
nothing.<br />
i just hate myself for being gay.<br />
my parents hate me for being gay.<br />
don't fucking talk about anything "gay" around them<br />
or<br />
"stop the gay talk".<br />
i mean really?<br />
what happened to "we may not approve, but we accept you."?<br />
oh that's right.<br />
it's just another lie.<br />
another fairy tale in my head.<br />
i'm sorry i want to talk to you about the thing that made me realize i'm gay.<br />
a (non-canon) couple from the show glee and the actress who portray them.<br />
i saw the looks quinn gave rachel.<br />
the looks she got in return.<br />
the feelings between them have grown,<br />
along with their "friendship".<br />
even the way the actresses look at each other in real life proved they loved each other.<br />
i realized how badly i wanted to have someone look at me like that.<br />
i want to look back at them.<br />
i want somebody to hold my hand and me actually want to hold their hand too.<br />
(sorry, this is all out of context and if you want more, i can explain privately. not going to spam you with my otp.)<br />
it really hurts.<br />
it really FUCKING hurts.<br />
who knew self-hatred could be so extreme?<br />
and no one understands.<br />
gay kids who are outed or who come out themselves are often bullied.<br />
i am not bullied.<br />
no one outside my family knows that i actually see in person.<br />
(therapist not included)<br />
those kids who are bullied for their sexuality often attempt suicide.<br />
i just want to say that i am so tempted to kill myself.<br />
not because other people hate me for being gay,<br />
but because i hate myself for it.<br />
if this gets messed up, sorry.<br />
it's hard to blog while crying.<br />
i wish i had never "realized" i was gay.<br />
i wish i could still hold onto the hope that i was at least bisexual.<br />
but no.<br />
i can't.<br />
i'm no longer in denial.<br />
all the feelings i had been pushing away because i still had "hope"<br />
are here full force.<br />
i swear this is more powerful than anything i've ever felt.<br />
i know no one really gives a fuck about me and my whining about being gay,<br />
but i need to get it out.<br />
bottling it up isn't helping me any.<br />
although i can't really say this helping either.<br />
so many fucking emotions right now.<br />
i cannot handle them.<br />
there's more to why i'm upset but i won't bore you with those details now.<br />
i guess that's all i've got to whine about.<br />
my poor pathetic life.<br />
before i end this,<br />
i have one last thing to say.<br />
it is for me but you can still read it.<br />
<br />
dear self,<br />
i fucking hate you.unbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1844283020684002521.post-36096687416744943992012-01-25T02:28:00.001-06:002012-01-25T02:32:11.076-06:00it all comes back at nighti know i haven't really blogged in forever but tonight, i just had to get this out. it hurts too much to hold it in.<br />
<br />
months ago, i finally realized that i did not like boys. for years i had questioned it. i knew i liked girls but guys were a whole other story. last year, i met david. unappreciated texts to which i shamefully flirted back to. the worst date of my life. followed by kisses which repulsed me greatly. i thought it was just because i didn't have feelings for him. deep down, i was suppressing that i wished i was kissing a girl, that i was holding hands with a girl. no, i told myself, i just didn't like him and he was a terrible kisser.<br />
<br />
in september, i overdosed and was in the psych hospital. there i met the nicest guy. he liked me. i was sure the feelings were mutual. i flirted. he flirted. my stomach felt bubbly around him. he made me feel special. he saw me at my worst and still he wanted to be with me. problem was, he lived in oklahoma. still, we decided to date. as the weeks outside the hospital passed, i realized my feelings weren't as strong now that i wasn't seeing him every day. i told people about him. the feelings lessened even more. he made plans to come visit me. as much as i wanted to see him, i dreaded it. i should have known then but still i denied it. but i couldn't deny that when we inevitably kissed, i would know. the day we spent together was great. i would have enjoyed it more had i not been worrying about the fateful kiss. we kissed farewell. i felt <strike>nothing</strike>. my heart broke in that moment. i was gay. i could no longer have hope for liking boys. a boy i thought i had feelings for kissed me and nothing. the first girl i kissed, who i had no feelings for, made me feel fireworks. years of denying, hoping, praying that i wasn't gay could no longer be ignored.<br />
<br />
i can't believe how hard i am crying right now. it's a bit ridiculous.<br />
<br />
i told my therapist first. then some of my on-line friends and my best friend who i happened to meet in the hospital.i officially came out to my parents in a family session right before christmas. they said they already knew. secretly they had hoped it was a phase. secretly i hoped so too. there was no more hoping though. it was real, not a phase. i am gay.<br />
<br />
it's hard to admit those words. i wish i didn't have to. i'm so ashamed. "my brain is fucked up. why does my heart have to be fucked up too?" i said that to my therapist. it's so true. why can't my heart love who it's supposed to? why can't i be straight? i know i hated god before. this made it worse. i don't understand why he hates me so much. it says in the bible that homosexuality is a sin. i was told by a pastor to resist my homosexual urges and to seek help. how can i accept myself if i don't feel like the person who made me like this doesn't accept me either? i wish i could believe that god loves me no matter what. i wish i could believe that other people love me no matter what, but i can't. i just can't.<br />
<br />
don't get me wrong. i have nothing against homosexuals. i am all for equal rights. love is love. i know you don't choose who you fall in love with. i just wish it was different for me. i wish i could choose. i wish i could accept me. i wish i was normal, straight. i wish i could have pride, but i can't deal with being gay.<br />
<br />
i am fighting so many urges to destroy myself, to punish myself. it just hurts so much inside. i can't. i just can't. make it stop please. just make it stop.unbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1844283020684002521.post-58710262760744242012012-01-21T04:31:00.001-06:002012-01-21T04:31:19.854-06:00still alive..that is all. if you wish to know more, ask.unbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1844283020684002521.post-84334803641289642372011-10-01T22:11:00.000-05:002011-10-01T22:11:14.606-05:00switch: ONwhat happened?<br />
why is this voice so loud in my head?<br />
louder than ever before?<br />
"look at your stomach. see that bulge? fat bitch" <br />
"your hip bones dont stick out enough." <br />
"get off your lazy ass and exercise" <br />
"did you see that cheerleader at the store today? she was thin. her legs were tiny. everything you'll never be" <br />
"purge. purge. purge."<br />
i wish i didn't hear it.<br />
shut up. shut up. SHUT UP.<br />
but i know it's the truth.<br />
ana wouldn't lie.<br />
(forgive me for using ana but that's what i named my eating disorder. real original, huh?)<br />
i planned on fasting today.<br />
did i?<br />
no.<br />
was i weak?<br />
yes.<br />
but not by choice.<br />
my parents told me i couldn't skip lunch.<br />
i had a parfait from mcdonalds.<br />
no granola.<br />
130.<br />
i had about half a regular powerade.<br />
75.<br />
a few sips of soy milk.<br />
18.<br />
stupid trips to the store.<br />
my parents don't trust me to stay at home.<br />
they trust the just-turned-11 year old more.<br />
they say they enjoy my company.<br />
how can you enjoy a moody fat bitch?<br />
got a haircut.<br />
i don't like it.<br />
then came dinner.<br />
we went out to eat.<br />
texas roadhouse.<br />
i was freaking out.<br />
i didn't know the calories.<br />
thankfully, my pt buddy looked them up for me.<br />
i had dinner all planned.<br />
half of the grilled bbq chicken. <br />
256.<br />
steamed veggies.<br />
originally 90 but i only ate like half.<br />
50.<br />
i rounded up just to be sure.<br />
<strike>a house salad with low fat ranch.</strike><br />
<strike>161.</strike><br />
i didn't get the low fat ranch for some reason.<br />
instead, i got low fat italian.<br />
a house salad with low fat italian.<br />
191!<br />
how the fuck is italian more calories than ranch?<br />
>.<<br />
grand total: 720.<br />
fuck you fat bitch.<br />
i need to exercise.<br />
im mad about those extra 30 calories even tho i was 10 under what i originally had planned.<br />
i feel like i'll gain.<br />
i'm sure i really look over 100 now.<br />
FUCK YOU!unbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1844283020684002521.post-14383126679754386952011-09-30T00:38:00.000-05:002011-09-30T00:38:57.043-05:00wow.lots has happened since my last post.<br />
i have completely withdrawn from school for this semester.<br />
it's a medical withdrawl.<br />
i am so unstable that my therapist agreed that i just cannot continue.<br />
in fact, i cannot continue with just once a week therapy with her.<br />
she (and my parents) came to the conclusion that i need more intensive treatment.<br />
i have two options: a treatment center or an iop.<br />
my therapist informed me that if i do an iop, it has to work on my ed.<br />
when i first found this out, i did not react well.<br />
i screamed.<br />
i cried.<br />
i informed my mom and therapist that i hated them.<br />
i was so angry on the outside..<br />
but inside, i was scared.<br />
i'm still scared.<br />
but what choice do i have?<br />
i can't keep living like this.<br />
this isn't even living.<br />
"there's more to living than just being alive."<br />
i'm not for sure what's going to happen,<br />
but right now, my mom and i are shooting for the treatment center.<br />
i'm not sure i could keep myself safe in just an iop.<br />
this decision was not based solely on my eating disorder.<br />
it was also based on my depression and suicidal ideation.<br />
i've become so unstable that i just can't do anything anymore.<br />
i had to give up school.<br />
it was once something i was so proud of.<br />
now it's part of what's killing me.<br />
i have to give up my freedom.<br />
but hopefully by giving it up temporarily,<br />
i will gain it for life.<br />
i'm scared.<br />
i'm so scared.<br />
thanks for sticking through this with me.<br />
i'll still be around for awhile.<br />
i'll keep you updated on what's happening.<br />
if i do go inpatient, i'm not sure i'll be able to blog.<br />
no need to worry about that now.<br />
for now, i'm here.<br />
thank you so much for being here with me.<br />
<3unbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1844283020684002521.post-33666815407111455092011-09-21T18:16:00.001-05:002011-09-21T18:16:15.805-05:00Forget MePlease forget<br />
All the pain I’ve caused<br />
I was wandering endlessly<br />
Hopelessly lost<br />
I had nowhere to turn<br />
Except into myself<br />
Even though I know<br />
Everyone wanted to help<br />
I just couldn’t let them<br />
I didn’t want to fight<br />
I wanted to give in,<br />
To take my life<br />
I searched for clues<br />
To lead me to death<br />
Always looking for ways<br />
To take my last breath<br />
I was miserable living<br />
I just wanted to die<br />
So weak, so hopeless<br />
Why bother to try?<br />
I cut myself<br />
I took those pills<br />
Praying every time<br />
That this time it kills<br />
Well one day it did<br />
Successful suicide<br />
The end of my tears<br />
But new ones to be cried<br />
I didn’t mean to hurt you<br />
I just wanted to be free<br />
I’m sorry I left you<br />
Just forget meunbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1844283020684002521.post-82021066024228860462011-09-19T20:44:00.000-05:002011-09-19T20:44:01.411-05:00I would not be here tonight if I had to choose..I just want it to stop. I dropped two of my four classes thinking that would solve the problem. It didn't. I have to give a speech tomorrow. I don't want to do it. I can't do it. I was meeting with my public speaking teacher and I was practically in tears. We were simply discussing my speech. How am I actually going to give it?? I'm not. It's that simple.<br />
I think I'm going to go back to the hospital. I can't handle this.unbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1844283020684002521.post-65191713978699741512011-09-17T10:40:00.000-05:002011-09-17T10:40:12.118-05:00Everything Is BeautifulInspired by the song <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9yS-WbAuKo&ob=av2n">Everything Is Beautiful</a>.<br />
<br />
If everything is beautiful,<br />
that means I am too.<br />
I am full of strength<br />
and so are you.<br />
This disorder will not beat us.<br />
Recovery will win.<br />
Don’t give up.<br />
Never give in.<br />
Life is a beautiful place<br />
if you want it to be.<br />
Choose to make your life better.<br />
Choose to be free.<br />
By choosing to recover,<br />
you are choosing life.<br />
With every step you take,<br />
you make yourself fly.<br />
Keep fighting.<br />
Never lose faith.<br />
Believe me when I say<br />
you have what it takes.<br />
I have it too.<br />
We have so much to give.<br />
Let’s change our lives.<br />
Let’s start to live.<br />
We can do this.<br />
Believe in yourself.<br />
Even if you slip,<br />
there will always be someone there to help.<br />
I love you.<br />
It’s time you love yourself too.<br />
Soon I’ll love me<br />
the way you do.<br />
Together in healing,<br />
together in recovery.<br />
Watch us recover.<br />
Watch us be free.unbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1844283020684002521.post-35465707505628409752011-09-16T05:03:00.000-05:002011-09-16T05:03:44.859-05:00I missed bloggingThanks for all your support on my last post. <3<br />
<br />
My therapist surprisingly did not ask for my weight on Wednesday. I did tell her I was below 100. Doubt she believed me though considering I still look like a whale. I was also kinda drugged that day too. I had taken a Klonopin and it knocked me on my ass. After my therapy session, I saw my psychiatrist. He put me back on Cymbalta, left my Lamictal at the dose they did at the hospital, and took me completely off my Abilify. Fun stuff. We went way over in time. Like 30 minutes almost. Oh well. We had a lot to talk about.<br />
<br />
Umm, I dropped two of classes for this semester. Well technically I only dropped one myself. My teacher dropped me from the other one. It sucks because the class my teacher dropped me from was ASL, the class I was most looking forward to taking. :( Oh well. Maybe I can take it next semester. So now I'm left with the two classes that are actually required: Public Speaking and Compostition 2. Funnnn stuff. NOT. >.< My mom thinks I might need to change my major (forensic science). Unfortunately, I think she may have a point. I've had 3 suicide attempts this year (2 being major and while in school). Can I really handle it? I want to do it so bad but can I ever stable myself out enough to do it? I'm not sure.<br />
<br />
I miss Misty. She's one of the staff from the hospital I was just in. It sucks that I will never see her or talk to her again. That's one thing I hate about hospitals. You form bonds with people (staff and patients) and you can't (well, you aren't supposed to) keep in contact with them. I want to stay in touch with Misty like I have with past staff. She really cared about me.<br />
<br />
Can't wait to weigh in this morning but it's only 5 am. (I try to not weigh before 8 am if I've been up at ungodly hours in the morning.) Hopefully I'll hit a new low weight (again). On Wednesday, I was 98.8 pounds. I think I gained a little for Thursday but hopefully I'll have lost it again. People tell me I need to gain weight. My mom keeps telling me I'm going to be hospitalized if I don't stop. I pretty much laugh and say "it's not that bad", which it isn't. I am perfectly fine. (lies) I was talking to a girl on anabites.com (a ED recovery site..haha) and she says she thinks I would go residential. It's like NOOOOO! It's really not that bad. Now if I weighed my UGW (85 pounds), then maybe I could see that. But I'm just barely under 100. It's not that bad. (<--Who am I trying to convince??) Oh well. I'm just going to keep losing. I need to take progress pics but unfortunately, I do not have a mirror in my bathroom at the moment due to painting. Oh I guess I should mention we are painting our house.<br />
<br />
Well this has been kind of long. I haven't done a post like this in forever. Thanks for reading it.unbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1844283020684002521.post-24895904739139821942011-09-14T06:02:00.000-05:002011-09-14T06:02:10.883-05:00another (failed) attemptOn September 2, I overdosed. It was a rather serious suicide attempt. I ended up in ICU before going to the psych hospital. I'm no longer suicidal :) but I am still a little bit unstable. My meds were really fucked with in the hospital and I'm hoping my psychiatrist will get me sorted out today when I see him. While in the hospital, I lost 6 pounds. I was there for a week and a half. I am now at my lowest weight (99.4 after breakfast as of yesterday). I am worried about another hospitalization in my future. My therapist always told me if I went below 100, she would hospitalize me. I guess I'll find out.<br />
On the positive side (I think..), I finally got set up with the eating disorder doctor. The appointment is in a month. That's the soonest she can see me. Think I can lose 5 (or more) pounds by then? That's not very positive. lol. Typical Debbie Downer/Negative Nancy. Oh well.<br />
No one will probably notice this but just thought I'd say I'm alive and doing better.unbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1844283020684002521.post-84783856017914427672011-08-27T10:29:00.001-05:002011-08-27T10:29:53.239-05:00Save Me From MeI feel the water rise against me<br />
Slowly drowning in the tide<br />
Praying to be rescued<br />
But when help comes, I hide<br />
I long to be free<br />
But I never catch a break<br />
I think it's because when I get the chance<br />
It's one I do not take<br />
I'm scared I'll be here forever<br />
In this crazy messed up world<br />
Fighting for what, I do not know<br />
I'm one confused little girl<br />
I try to think positive<br />
But the negatives seem more real<br />
I try to ignore them<br />
But it's hard when that's how I feel<br />
I don't know where I am going<br />
I don't know where I am<br />
I'm lost, alone, confused, and scared<br />
I don't know who I am<br />
Just wanting to find solace<br />
In the arms of one I love<br />
But the arms I'm surrounded by<br />
Will never be enough<br />
I'm drowning ever so slowly<br />
In this sea of my tears<br />
Consumed by the darkness<br />
Consumed by my fears<br />
Want to escape<br />
Want to break free<br />
Someone, anyone<br />
Save me from meunbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1844283020684002521.post-31001711266338628152011-08-19T10:55:00.000-05:002011-08-19T10:55:03.710-05:00Happy Birthday...to me!!! :P Yes, it's my birthday today. I turned 19. It's mixed feelings but I'm trying to be positive. Last night I got the best birthday surprise ever. My best friend from Michigan flew down to see me and stay for the weekend!! I was so excited when I saw her that I screamed! :D So I won't be on for a few days seeing as I'll be with her. Love you guys!unbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1844283020684002521.post-75718275117465829842011-08-17T20:51:00.000-05:002011-08-17T20:51:28.366-05:00do you remember...my last plan?<br />
my last overdose?<br />
the last time I said I was suicidal?<br />
I do.<br />
It's the same as now.<br />
I had that same plan today.<br />
More pills readily available to take.<br />
I shouldn't take them.<br />
How tempting it is.<br />
"What good would that do?"<br />
Maybe it would kill me.<br />
Please let it kill me.<br />
I just want to lay down to go to sleep and never wake up.<br />
I have the choice.<br />
It's as simple as take the pills or don't.<br />
But really, it's not that simple.<br />
I want to die.<br />
I don't want to go to the hospital.<br />
Does it hurt much to die?<br />
Please let me die.<br />
Kill me.unbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1844283020684002521.post-56501727756346730282011-08-13T12:07:00.001-05:002011-08-13T12:07:53.136-05:00Letter From SuicideHello little one<br />
Are you feeling lost?<br />
Are you all alone?<br />
A miserable lost cause<br />
Come talk to me<br />
I won't let you down<br />
I'll be your friend<br />
When your other friends aren't around<br />
I know your pain<br />
It's one you should not feel<br />
No one should have to hurt<br />
So I'll make you a deal<br />
Give me your soul<br />
And I'll set you free<br />
I'll give you an escape<br />
No more misery<br />
Just take your life<br />
And all will be fine<br />
I'm suicide, I'll save you<br />
Please don't start crying<br />
Don't you see I'm the answer<br />
To all your pain?<br />
I'm your way out<br />
You think I'm insane<br />
But really it's true<br />
I'm the answer to your prayers<br />
No one will miss you <br />
Because no one cares<br />
But I'm here for you<br />
Whenever you need a hand<br />
I'm always here<br />
Because only I understand<br />
So don't listen to them<br />
Listen to me<br />
They don't make you better<br />
They only hurt you, can't you see?<br />
With me you won't feel anything<br />
The bad will no longer be<br />
You'll be happier than you've ever been<br />
Because with me, you're free<br />
So take me up on my offer<br />
It's one you won't regret<br />
I welcome you with open arms<br />
Welcome home my petunbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1844283020684002521.post-2390221954667678762011-08-12T21:17:00.000-05:002011-08-12T21:17:02.695-05:00events of yesterdaywent to group. <br />
almost passed out at group.<br />
forced to drink protein shake.<br />
after group, went to wendy's.<br />
cue internal battle.<br />
driving back to the highway.<br />
stopped at stop sign.<br />
get rear-ended.<br />
driver drives off.<br />
i get his license plate info.<br />
call cops.<br />
neck and head hurt.<br />
want to sleep on the way home.<br />
everyone says not to.<br />
they say i could possibly have a concussion.<br />
go to ER.<br />
there for three hours.<br />
get x-rayed.<br />
nothing major.<br />
neck and back sprain.<br />
my grandpa has the same.<br />
IHOP for dinner.<br />
the end of a very long day.<br />
best night's sleep in a long time.<br />
that's what happens when you get one hour of sleep in 36 hours.<br />
<br />
today was better.<br />
eat. play on computer. sleep. eat. play on computer. and now sleep.unbeautifulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04302004966927334786noreply@blogger.com1