Saturday, April 30, 2011


Monthly Goals  (4/1/11-4/30/11):
1.Blog something positive every day. yes..multiple positives =D
2.Exercise 5 times a week. I started out doing really well on that one. Failed as the month went on.
3.Read chapters as we study them (not the day before the test!). I did much better this month at this.
4.Read three books (outside of school). only read two
5.Stay cut, purge, and suicide attempt free. yes :) cut free for one month 4/14/11. purge free for 3 years 4/16/11.
6.Start/go to group. check
7.Be honest. started lying a bit more towards the end of the month.

May Monthly Goals (5/1/11-5/31/11)
1.Blog something positive every day.
2.Exercise thirty minutes or more 4 times a week.
3.Stay on top of my chapters and homework.
4.Start studying for my finals.
5.Stay cut, purge, and suicide attempt free.
6.Continue group.
7.Limit binges to once a week.
8.Look for work.
9.Take and pass my written test for my driver's license.


That's what I weighed this morning. It's not horrible. Definitely not great. I was so scared I would be above 110. It's a miracle I'm not.
Had pancakes for breakfast.
Went to my cousin's back-to-back baseball game. We won both games..big time. Got burned as hell. Thankfully only on my hands (yes hands can get burned) and face. My face makes me look like a fucking lobster though. Sunscreen is definitely required for tomorrow.
Big lunch. PB&J (one slice of bread), Flaming Hot Cheetohs, package of baby carrots, 10 M&Ms.
Dinner was okay. I helped cook it. Sweet and sour chicken. The sauce was a bit runny.
Dessert was 1/3 of my chocolate bunny. Then I had even more candy once I got to my room.
Nothing much to say.
Goals review next.

-I didn't weigh above 110.
-My cousin won both of his games.

Friday, April 29, 2011

du-da du-da

Yay for the Royal Couple! I saw the kiss(es). So cute. I'm not even British and I'm like "awesome!" hehe. It was cool. Kate (is that how you spell it?) looked really pretty. :)
I ate a lot of chocolate today.
I went for a 2.323 mile run/walk.
I'm back at my grandparents house.
Weigh-in tomorrow. 0.o I haven't weighed in two weeks. I'm scared as hell. I know it'll be too high. May will be better. It has to be.
Not much to say.
My chocolate bunny melted in the car. :( I should be happy but I'm sad. I ate its head for dessert. I had to put him out of his misery. lol.
I guess that's all.

-I saw baby chicks! They were so cute.
-I went for a run.
-Yummy chocolate. =/

Thursday, April 28, 2011


Today was pretty good. I got to sleep in a little. :)
School was good. I liked our lesson in biology because it talked a little bit about forensic science (biotechnology).
I did eat more than I would have liked, but it wasn't horrible.
I did have a down moment. Actually, it was more like a down hour. I got through it though.
I went to Power Play (a gaming place) with my little sister's Girl Scout troup. It was so much fun. We went on the Vortex. It was wicked. The walls were spinning and the walkway was holding still but it was as if the walkway was tilting. It was hard to walk straight. lol. We went on the Tilt-A-Whirl. That was fun when my cart would actually spin. We played laser vs adults. I was on kids. My name was Twinkie. hehe. I scored 9000+ points. That was the most scored. Heck yes! We did the Ropes Course. It's a series of rope obstacles suspended in the air. It was scary as hell but I did it! We raced on go karts. I won second. =) It was a good night.
The girl closest to the camera is a girl from the troop.

Another girl from the troop.

-I got to sleep in a little bit.
-I saw my grandma (the one who kicked me out) and we got along.
-School was good.
-I got through a tough spot.
-I had a blast at Power Play. =D

Good night my loves!

Glee Cast - I Feel Pretty / Unpretty (Glee Cast Version)

I've tried different ways but it's all the same.
At the end of the day I have myself to blame.
I'm just trippin'.

So damn unpretty.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011


Today was okay.
School was not so okay. I took a test today. I got a 80%, a B. That is not acceptable. I was not ready for the test even though I studied. This is not okay. This lowered my grade to a 93.69%. That's an A-. This is not good. I cannot afford to get a B this late in the semester. Oi vey.
Food was not so okay.
Maybe today wasn't so okay.
I'm staying at my sister's house another couple of nights. I guess that's okay. Downside is she has a lot of binge foods.
Don't know what else to say.

-I had a good session.

Advice for me, you, everyone.

Don't sweat it. Today will soon be/is over and tomorrow is a new day. Don't aim to finish the race tomorrow. Aim instead to warm up for it. Before you know it, you'll be running. Then you'll be crossing that finish line. It'll feel so good. Don't give up. You can do it!


It was an intense session. I spent a good portion of it crying. My therapist asked me why I was crying. I told her I was embarrassed and ashamed. I told her I hated myself. She asked me some questions about what I would think if someone else of that age (9-12) did the same things I did. She asked me if I would see them as a "confused little girl" or a slut. I said I'd see them as a confused little girl but that didn't change how I see myself. It was a really rough session but my therapist said she was proud of me for telling her. It was so hard even having her read it (since I wrote it down). My assignment for this week was to write what happened from an objective third-person point of view. That'll be tough. Yeah, that was it for that really. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself or let it go. I just want to forget it. I said that several times during the session. I don't ever want to talk about it again. I know I will have to but it was not pleasant. I know therapy isn't fun but I wish that it was. Therapy is hard shit. Life is hard shit. I wish there was an easy button. Okay, enough rambling for now.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

middle ground

Today was good/okay/crap. That makes sense..not.
Did part 2 of the forensics lab in biology. I really hope it turns out.
Took my 100 point test in biology. I need a 93% to raise my grade to an A.
Got my math test back today. Got a 91%. My grade is now a 79.5%.
mini-binge once I got home. was procrastinating doing homework.
ran to my sister's school to pick her up. (1.5 miles)
walked sister home. (1.5 miles)
test tomorrow. not ready for it.
sister's open house. the drama begins.
dinner at the restaurant. the drama continues.
I have to write my therapist a letter explaining everything, proving I'm a whore, a slut. It's so obvious that I am. My mom wanted me to tell her at the open house. It's like F*ck No! I can't even tell my therapist and you want me to tell you? Whatever.
almost bought something bad today. it would be perfect. it would sharp. I need something sharp, something big. this was perfect and ever so worth it. no one would know. just another dirty little secret. who has to know? but I didn't buy it, so don't worry. doesn't mean I won't go back. I have to walk past the store again tomorrow. buy it then? yes? no? maybe. I don't know.
I'm tired. Good night.

-Didn't buy the sharp thing. =/
-Liked my dinner.
-Got a 91% on my math test.

Beating the urge.

Monday, April 25, 2011


I appreciate your comments but not everything I'm talking about was done to me. There were things done by me that I am too ashamed to say on here, to anyone really. No one knows this about me, well except the people I did it to. Now I'm making it sound like I had sex. I didn't have sex. I don't know why I'm telling you this. You don't want/need to know. I'm sorry I even posted that stuff out there. I just don't want you guys to think I'm some victim. Yes, I was a victim at one point but there were some times when I was putting myself out there, when I was being the acter. Now it sounds like I raped someone. I didn't do that either. I'm really just going to stop talking about this now.

Today was okay. I was up by 7:15. That's early for me. Usually I stay in bed another 20-30 minutes but not today. I had to be ready on time because my dad had a job interview today. We actually ended up leaving late because of him. 0.o
School was good. We did a discussion question in my Intro class on the death penalty and rape cases. I'm personally against the death penalty in any case so of course I didn't agree with putting a rapist to death. I feel that they would suffer more by living in jail for the rest of their lives. I'd want them to get a little taste of how it feels. Don't drop the soap. I would say just kidding, but I'm not. I hope they get what they deserve. What do you guys think? Should a rapist be able to be put to death?
Group was okay I guess. I really don't like this group. There's always different people there and some of them are just so damn annoying. There was one girl who is obese and she walked in with her stomach hanging out. I'm not just talking peeking out. No, there were rolls showing. Not to be rude, but I was very disgusted. I try not to judge, I really do, but that was too much. Other than that, I guess group was fine. We talked about the same page we did last week: myths about emotions. Oh boy. We're on Emotion Regulation in DBT (dialectical behavior therapy for those of you who don't know what that is).
I've spent lots of time on the computer today. I reviewed for my 100 point science exam tomorrow. I am super nervous. I currently have a 89.2%. That's a B+. I'm soooo close to an A. I want an A sooooo bad. I must get an A!
I forced myself to eat dinner. I told myself it was the last one I would be having for awhile. Starting tomorrow, I will be pure. I will not disgrace my body with filth. I'm sure I will eat at some point but only when necessary. I will be clean. I need to be empty, light. Not eating is my punishment for my sins. It is necessary. No excuses. I will be pure.

-I only ate three pieces of candy today when I had out my candy bag.
-School was good.
-I came up with a plan to make amends to myself. (be pure = not eating)
-I woke up on time.

I have decided not to continue with things I like about myself, for now at least. It's too hard and I'm not deserving of compliments. Not yet anyways.


Sorry for last night's negativity (although I cannot fully say it's gone). I was in a rough place (and still kinda am). I didn't cut last night, even though I badly wanted to. I didn't even scratch myself or dig my nails into my skin or bite myself or anything. I just laid there in a ball, clenching the leg of my pajama pants in my fist. I was able to fall asleep.
Sleep has not been peaceful. No, not since my session with my therapist. Too many triggers. rape. sexual abuse. dirty unclean images.
It's too much. It's really all too much. This is killing me slowly. It makes me want to die. I want to hide. I want to run. I want to tear out of my skin. It's filthy and dirty. I want to be clean. I want to be pure. Yes, I want to be pure. Starving is pure. It's empty. It's light. That is what I'll do. Whenever I want to eat, I will remember that I am filthy when I eat. It makes me dirty. I don't want to be dirty. I want to be clean. I will cleanse myself the only way I know how. I will starve.

(This has not been any more positive than the last post. Fail. I'm sorry.)

Sunday, April 24, 2011


I'm not in a good state of mind right now. I don't mean that I'm suicidal or anything. I'm just extremely negative right now. I was reading a survey and I guess it triggered me. I remembered some things, things I wish I could forget. Proof that I really am a whore. God, I'm such a whore. A dirty slut. I hate myself. I hate my body. I wish I could destroy it. I need to mutilate it, punish it for being so filthy. I disgust myself. fat whore slut. Dad was right. If I could cut, I would. I need to tell my therapist the truth, the whole truth. I'm scared to tell her everything. I don't want her to think less of me. I can't stand myself. I deserve to die. dirty unclean freak. I hope I rot in hell.

Happy Easter

It's sad when on the day of the Resurrection all I can think about is food, motherf'ing food. I guess it doesn't really matter much since I'm not big on religion anyways but it would be nice to enjoy a day that is supposed to be filled with peace and joy with peace and joy. I said I wasn't eating before dinner. Well I did. I ate lots. Too much. That's all I care about. My brother-in-law's family is coming over for dinner. They'll think I'm fat. It's awkward when they are around. I wish today was over. I just want to skip dinner altogether. FML.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Tokio Hotel - Don't Jump (lyrics)

what to say?

Woke up somewhat early today.
Started eating at 11 am. I ate too much today. fat fat fat. Any progress I made yesterday is gone. FML.
Went shopping for food and Easter candy.
Read my biology chapters. Took me three hours. 0.o
Just finished watching Tron. kick-ass movie. =D
Don't know what I'm doing now.
Dreading Easter. Too much food tomorrow. Won't eat until dinner. At least that's what I say now. Just wish tomorrow was over with.

-I finished my chapters in biology.
-I enjoyed (re)watching Tron.

Thing I like about myself:
-I look good with my hair straigh.

Friday, April 22, 2011

umm ok

My grandpa was discharged from the hospital today. He's not ready to go home but I think insurance refused to pay. Grrr. Oh and I found out this morning that he also has congestive heart failure and anemia. My grandpa has gone through so many medical problems just to have another one added. It's stupid. I hope he's okay. I want him to get through this. Unfortunately, there is no cure for congestive heart failure and the life expectancy is only 10 years. I want him to live longer. I'm unhappy about this.
School was good. We answered a feminist criminology question in Criminology (uh-duh). It was about if women get more abuse because they are getting more power/equality to men. My answer was based off personal experiences. My mom is the bread winner in my family. My dad has been unemployed for two years. There is no abuse there. There is no (obvious) resentment. I think really it all depends on the man and his sense of security in where he stands. What do you guys think??
I didn't eat today. I drank (flavored) water and am currently drinking peach white tea. I should feel good. I don't feel good. I feel numb. It's not enough. It's never enough.
I'll eat tomorrow. I went to Chile's with my parents for dinner. I ordered southwestern eggrolls to go. I will eat those.
I'm tired. I want to go to I will. Good night.

-School was good.
-My period is over.
-I'm staying with my mom.
-I didn't eat. =/

Thing I like about myself:
-Once I put my mind up to do something, I do it.

SilentNightmare- Here is the course description: This course provides a systematic study of the myths and epic cycles of the Greeks and Romans in both literature and art and investigates their survival and metamorphosis in the literature and visual arts of Western Europe. In addition, this course provides several methodological frameworks with which to analyze several types of tales and their relation to history, religion, rituals and art.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

binge binge binge

It was nice to sleep in today. I woke up in time to shower. My grandparents gave me two biscuits for breakfast (360 for both).
School went well. I have a test in biology next Tuesday. I still have 2.5 chapters to read. 0.o We had a sub in math so we got out early.
Ate at Taco Bell for lunch. Had a chicken fresco soft tace (150) and a medium drink. Then I wanted a chocolate milkshake from McDonalds. I got a medium. It's stupid because I don't even like chocolate milkshakes. I drank it in like 10 minutes. Then my stomach was upset.
My grandpa went in for labs.
As soon as we got home, my grandma got a call from the hospital saying my grandpa needed to come back to be admitted. (I just found out that my grandpa is being admitted. He has fluid in the lungs.)
I binged like crazy. My stomach is killing me. I had cereal, yogurt, raw cookie dough, a granola bar, and peanut butter. I feel so gross and FAT.
Oh and I forgot to mention this in yesterday's post, I'm on my period. I just got off my period 3 weeks ago. Fuck a duck. Just another sign of being fat.

-School was good.

Thing I like about myself:
-I'm random.

Fall 2011 courses

I just got done signing up for my fall semester. Want to know what I'm taking?? GOOD! 'cause I'm gonna tell ya.

Classical Mythology- Greek and Roman mythology stuff
Elementary American Sign Language- super excited for this one!
Public Speaking- not so excited for this one =/
Composition 2- writing papers and such. oh boy!

I should be taking a math class but I'm not sure if I will or not. If I do, that would put me at 15 credit hours. That's a lot. Plus I would be at school for a very long time if I did it on Tuesday and Thursday along with my other classes. Yeah, I was lucky enough to get all my classes on T-TH. Go me! I'm there from 9:30 am -4:50 pm. That's a long time but it's only two days a week. It'll be worth it. :)

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

overall good day

Nikki- Yes, that is CSI stuff. I'm going to work in a crime lab. =D

I woke up at a reasonable time today. I was actually out of bed by 7:30 am. 0.o x 294948939482983. I know, it's pretty crazy. My text buddy texted me at like 4 in the morning so I texted her when I woke up. She and her friend had a falling out. I was crap at giving advice. I am crap at relationships.
No breakfast.
School was good. (I always say that but really it was.) I took my test in my Intro to the Admn. of Justice. (checking to see if the teacher posted the scores) I got a 96%. That's what I've gotten on every criminal justice test (except one). I'm just crazy smart like that. If only I could get that good of a grade on my biology and math tests. =/
I saw my therapist today. It was a really good, deep session. We talked about my feelings towards my rape/sexual harrassment and my fear of liking girls. We talked about my shame and my need to punish myself. I told her some really embarrassing things and you know what?..she didn't judge me. I told her about hating being a woman and the fear of having kids. It was a very intense session but I think we made way for a lot of progress.
I ate like a pig today. I don't want to focus on that though.
I didn't weigh myself.
I exercised a little bit. First time in probably a week.
So yeah. I'm tired and I want to go to bed so good night!

-I woke up at a reasonable time.
-I liked my hair straight.
-I had a really good session with my therapist.
-I enjoyed yummy peaches (in a cup).
-It's been 4 days since I "officially" weighed myself.
-I exercised.
-I looked up colleges and found what classes I'm going to need. (It's a bit different for every school but most of the science classes are the same. I don't think I want to take any science classes next semester though. I don't know..maybe.)

Thing I like about myself:
-Even when I fall, I stand back up.


I am currently enrolled in a community college. Fall enrollment starts tomorrow. 0.o I have no idea what classes I'm taking besides Composition 2. So now I am researching a few colleges (to transferto) to see what I have to do for a forensic science major. Oh boy!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

band concert

I did not wake up on time this morning (big shock there) but I was able to take a shower. That's always a good sign.
I had biology today. We started Week 1 of our forensics lab. We had to pair up. I was with a girl from my table. She did absolutely nothing...NO-THING! Well, I take that back. She provided the DNA. Other than that, useless. I think I messed it up though which will bomb because this is a three week lab and we are in school for three weeks including this one. So aedjfaljegijidegolsedgn.
I took my math test today. I'm feeling like I got around an A or a B. :) Hopefully I actually did get one of those grades.
I studied for my test tomorrow. I should still be doing that but I'm too busy checking blogger. I swear I'm addicted.
I went to my little sister's band concert. It was actually the whole high school area band festival. So all the fifth graders from the school that went into Northwest played together, and the sixth graders, then the middle schoolers, and so on and so forth. There were some really cool songs. The eighth grade band played Disney songs! Kick a..I mean butt! ;)
I binged today. I just ate and ate and ate. I was just so hungry. Don't know what came over me. I will be more controlled tomorrow.
BTW, I haven't officially weighed myself since Saturday. I did step on the scale on Sunday but that was fully clothed and after I ate. (TMI warning) It was to see how much weight I lost after I pooped. 0.o I lost .2 pounds. Not that any of you really care about that. So I'm debating if I want to weigh myself tomorrow. I know I'll be higher because of all the food I ate today so maybe it's best if I just wait. I don't know. We'll have to see.

-I took a shower and am all clean. :)
-I started the forensics lab.
-I think I did well on my math test.
-I enjoyed my little sister's band concert.
-I enjoyed a mint Drumstick.

Thing I like about myself:
-I can read music.

Monday, April 18, 2011

4 years

Didn't wake up on time...again. I have a serious problem with waking up in the morning.
Skipped breakfast.
School was good. I have a test on Wednesday. I still have to read one more chapter.
I attempted to write an apology letter to myself. That didn't work out. I realized I just couldn't lie to myself like that. Instead, on a seperate piece of paper I wrote out what I really thought. I wasn't very nce to myself. :(
Group went better today. It was almost entirely different people. Now we are learning Emotion Regulation. Oh boy. *eye roll* I was on the verge of an anxiety attack during group but I was able to calm down.
I've been with my mom since I got out of group. I've mainly been doing my math homework in prep for my math test tomorrow. 0.o
We went out to Applebee's for dinner. I had the chicken fajita roll-up. I only ate half and maybe had 10 fries. I drank two rasperberry teas though. >.< After that we went to Green Apple for frozen yogurt. I had 8.4 ounces of frozen yogurt, brownie bits, and whipped cream. fat ass.
I've been playing on the computer since I got home. Actually, I was catching up on blogs. So techinically I wasn't playing. 0.o
I got through today safely. I'm getting ready to go to bed. Today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. :)

-My teacher complimented me.
-Group went better.
-I got through my mini-anxiety attack without freaking out.
-My lab is tomorrow. :))))
-Today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
-I got through today safely and urge free. =D

Thing I like about myself:
-I have pretty eyes.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

so, umm yeah

Sorry about my last post. I was kind of out of it. I don't really even know what came over me. I just want to say thanks for the support and I was able to get through the urge. I just started doing some homework for school and the urge went away. So it's all good now. :)
The rest of today was pretty good. I didn't get up til 11:26 am!! That's crazy because I never sleep in that late. It was much needed though.
I had breakfast with my grandparents. I had some eggs, a tiny bit of burnt hashbrowns, and 2(!!) biscuits. I ended up getting my hands all sticky. 0.o
I finished reading a book that I started last year. I want to get the next in the series. It's the Pretty Little Liars series. They made it into a tv show on ABC Family. I used to watch the show until I moved (down to Kansas). I've never really had a chance to watch it since then. :(
I had my induction ceremony today for Phi Theta Kappa. That went well. I got to see my mom and dad. It was surprisingly short. It lasted about an hour. There was cake and punch afterwards. The cake was good. The punch not so much. I hate pineapple. :(
Downside to seeing my mom was I found out that she chemical burned her butt. I would say it's kind of funny but I don't like seeing my mom hurt. At least her butt's not all red or discolored or anything. It just hurts really bad. :( Poor mommy.
We had leftover tuna casserole for dinner. It was good I suppose. I just had some jello with peaches in it. That was very yummy. :)
Umm, don't really know what all else to say. I'm staying the night with my mom tomorrow. :) I don't like the reason why though. :(

-I got to sleep in.
-I was inducted in to Phi Theta Kappa.
-I ate yummy dessert foods.
-I got through a strong urge to cut.
-I was in a good mood for most of the day.

Thing I like about myself:
-I am stronger than I give myself credit for.


Nope, just kidding. There will be no monkeys in this post. Only shit that's bananas. I wish I could say I was just kidding again, but I'm not. These thoughts I'm having are bananas. They are crazy. cut fat slut. bleed. you deserve it. you deserve to be punished. it'll feel good. cut. CUT. you know you want to. who cares if it's been a month? you can always make it that long again. attention whore. just cut. one time won't hurt. you need it. you knew you weren't really doing that good. you were just pretending. you are weak for having these thoughts. you are weak for having these urges. go cut yourself freak. you aren't strong. you are nothing. you are pathetic. you can't fight it. you are weak weak weak weak WEAK. you can't do this. just give in. it'll be just like old times. you know it'll make it all go away. you know it won't leave you alone til you give in. just give in. just one little cut won't mess anything up. better change out of your white shirt. wouldn't want to spill your precious blood on it. cut cut cut cut CUT. do it. DO IT! Shit.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

3 years

I slept in this morning til 9:30, but didn't get out of bed til around 10:35. It felt nice. That's what I love about weekends: sleeping in, being lazy. I finally took my shower. That felt nice too. (not that you all really care about/when I shower. sorry for the tmi) My grandpa made french toast for breakfast. I had two slices and a light yogurt (fat).
I read one of my chapters for Intro to Administration of Justice. I was freezing the whole time I read it. I can't even remember half of what I read. 0.o Not good.
I ate linner (lunch/dinner) around 4 pm after my grandma told me I needed to eat since we would be eating a late dinner. I had probably two servings of Cap'n Crunch and another yogurt (again, fat).
I (re)put together the Harry Potter puzzle that I mentioned forever ago. The wind had blown it apart. Unfortunately, now I am missing a piece. :(
I went to my cousin's baseball game. They started way late. We had to leave at the top of the fourth inning so we wouldn't make my parents and lil sis wait on us too long for dinner. It was just getting good though. My cousin hit a double and then the next guy up to bat on his team scored a home run. I wish we could have watched more. It was really cold though.
Dinner was pizza. I had two slices of veggie pizza (fat x 99999999999999999). I also had 4 packs of crackers (2 in each pack). I am trying to be positive about it. I'm trying not to have urges to purge. Want to know why? It's been three years since I last purged. That's a hell of a long time. There are some days though, when I would give anything to give it up. I just don't want to lose the record. Pathetic reason to not purge. I don't care that it's bad for me. I don't care that it won't help me. I just wish I could do it again. (must focus on the positives)

-I refound an old show I used to watch.
-I got to sleep in.
-My cousin was doing good in his baseball game.
-3 years purge free.
-My Cap'n Crunch was yummy.
-I read a chapter for school.

Thing I like about myself:
-I'm nice.

(Ignore the following rant list)
Things I hate about saying things I like about myself:
-I always come up with a reason why the statement's not true.
-It's hard to come up with something I like about myself when I feel like a monster.
-I feel like I'm lying.

Friday, April 15, 2011

talent show

Tonight I went to my school's first ever talent show. It was pretty cool. There were some really talented people and some not-so-talented people. Overall, it was a good night. The emcee was a really cool comedy magician. He did some awesome tricks. He even swallowed a balloon!! It was crazy. I wasn't too happy with the way the judges placed the winners. The Tippers should have been at least second and the first act definitely should have been placed. The second place winners were good when I could understand them (they were rappers). I don't know. It was good overall. Good show everyone. :)
I could not wake up this morning. I was supposed to take a shower but that didn't happen.
School was good.
I wasted my day watching youtube videos.
I ate way too much. I actually just had a mini binge after coming home from the talent show. FAIL. It's my first in awhile so I guess it's not too bad. I just need to control myself better tomorrow.
Thanks for the support on my 25 reasons to live. :) It was kind of hard to come up with all of those. I was really struggling towards the end. Although I had number 25 already figured out long before I got there. hehe
I guess that's all really.

-School was good.
-The test is Wednesday (not Monday!!).
-I discovered a show that I definitely would love to watch full episodes of.
-I went to see my school's first ever talent show.
-I enjoyed said talent show.
-I got to eat a grape jelly bean that was mixed with a cherry jelly bean.

Thing I like about myself:
-I can write poetry. (don't know why it took so long for this one to come out. It's one of my favorite things about myself. 0.o)

25 Reasons to Live

1. my family
2. school
3. (hopefully) my career
4. share my story and encourage others.
5. fall in love
6. overcome my fear(s)
7. see that life isn't all bad
8. overcome my illness(es)
9. grow stronger
10. prove to myself I can do it
11. experience true happiness
12. find salvation in God
13. publish my writing
14. meet my new baby cousin(s)
15. my friends
16. love (for others)
17. my bucket list
18. simply because I can
19. I deserve more than death.
20. I can make a difference.
21. I'll never know what I might miss out on if I die.
22. I mean something to someone.
23. the pain won't last forever.
24. I have a purpose.
25. I should live for MYSELF.

goals check-in 2

Last Week's Goals (4/8/11-4/15/11):
1.Blog one (different!) thing I like about myself every day. check2.Start a new book. I continued a book I was previously reading.
3.List 25 reasons to live. will do once I'm done with this.
4.Clean my room. check
5.Stay current on my math homework. check. math test on Tuesday.

Monthly Goals  (4/1/11-4/30/11):
1.Blog something positive every day. yes..multiple positives =D
2.Exercise 5 times a week. fail
3.Read chapters as we study them (not the day before the test!). not as good on this one
4.Read three books (outside of school). one down, reading the second
5.Stay cut, purge, and suicide attempt free. yes :) cut free for one month 4/14/11
6.Start/go to group. check
7.Be honest. trying to be.

This Week's Goals (4/15/11- 4/22/11)
1.Continue writing one thing I like about myself every day.
2.Do well on my math test.
3.Find a way to celebrate my 3 years of no purging.
4.Get through 4/18/11 without doing anything stupid.
5.Write a letter of apology (to myself) for what happened 4 years ago.

Thursday, April 14, 2011


I was so glad to sleep in this morning. I set my alarm for 9 am but didn't get up for about 40 minutes. I need to work on not staying in bed.
School was good. Nothing too exciting. I thought it was rather amusing that only 7 other people showed up for my math class. Pathetic. And the class before the test. Their loss.
My grandparents ran lots of errands. I was bored out of my mind. We did go for a walk. They actually walked around the whole trail. That is a true .5 miles. Well actually not really. At least my pedometer doesn't measure it as .5 miles so I don't know.
I'm tired.
I don't know what more to say.

-I got to sleep in.
-I understood today's math lesson.
-I got to walk.
-It's raining outside. I love the rain.
-My cousin was born today. :)

Thing I like about myself:
-I have a killer serve in volleyball.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

my day

was pretty good. I woke up at 6:50 am. That is waaaaay too early for my liking. I didn't get out of bed til 7:15 though. I got in some last minute studying for my test which I got a (hold on...checking) 92%. Not too bad. It's the lowest score out of all the tests I've taken so far but I'm okay with it. :)
I had a session with my therapist. It went well. She liked my poems and my DNA on a necklace. :) I talked to her about my grandma's comments. She said that by sticking up for myself afterward, I used this week's DBT skill. Go me! I also paid for the session with my very own debit card! =D Now I'm sure most of you are like, "why are you excited about paying for a session?" Well, I'll tell you. I've never had my own debit card before so paying with it made me feel all independent and adult-like. It doesn't matter to me that my parents are on the account too. It's good to have a little independence. :) Oh and one more thing about therapy. While I was waiting for my therapist (who was 20 minutes late to session!!), a girl came in. She had huge boobs (but that's not the point) and she was soooo skinny. I was like uber jealous (but not of the boobs!). When she went down for her session, my grandma pointed out "she was skinnier than you." Yes, thank you grandma for calling me fat..again.
We ran some errands. Went for a brief walk.
I did math homework. It takes me longer than an hour just to do one section! It's f'ing ridiculous!
No workout due to homework. >.<
Discovered a great new movement (see previous post).
Food was crap. I ate at least 1000 cals and drank close to 500 cals. Grrr. I did so well yesterday too.

-I got a good grade on my test.
-I had a good session.
-My therapist was impressed by my "show and tell".
-It was a nice day out.
-I discovered Love is Louder.

Thing I like about myself:
I love to learn. :)

Demi Lovato and Love is Louder

Demi Lovato is a really strong person. She has struggled with self-harm and eating disorders. She struggles with wanting to be perfect. Well guess what she has to say about that now.."Love is louder than the pressure to be perfect." I am in love with this quote. Love is Louder is an organization. Their purpose: "We're a movement of people here to say that love is louder than any voice that causes pain or brings you down." Here is the link to there Facebook page:!/joinloveislouder Join it. Be part of the movement. I know I am.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


I wrote these poems three days apart. One of them was the one I mentioned in a previous post. It's kind of amusing because they are very conflicting. Oh well. Here they are:

From Ana
Hello darling
Remember me?
The one who helped you
On the road to skinny
You seem so distant
Why have you grown cold?
I'm talking to you
But you won't do what you're told
I'm trying to help you
Achieve what you want most
Bones and a thigh gap
A body you can boast
But you ignore me
I guess you want to be fat
If you want me gone,
I swear I won't come back
I'll give you to Mia
She'll take after you
Binge after binge
You'll start to purge again too
With me you'll be empty
Light and so pure
You'll never escape my voice
Of that you must be sure
I'm here to help you
Without me, you can't win
But stick with me and I guarantee
You're on the path to being thin

To Ana
I know you are bad for me
I just can't say good-bye
I tell myself I need you
But deep down, I know I need you gone
I crave your advice
Even though your words hurt
I want you with me
Always, but never again
You are killing me
I've convinced myself that you are the way
The way to happiness
The way to thin
But really you are the way to the end
A slow suicide
Intentional or not
I do not know
I do know I'll never be happy
With you that is
Your lies will make me miserable
They already do
You make me hate myself
My body
My life
Well I need it to stop
I need freedom
I need love, not hate
I need truth, not lies
You will never give me that
No matter how much I try to tell myself you will
Deep down, I know my view is distorted
It's so hard to change
It's scary to change
But I think I'm better off without you
I know I'll never fully be ready
To say good-bye
But I have to try
I have to try soon
I'm (not) sorry
I think I'm saying good-bye
Bye Ana.

(Based on the second poem, one might think I am going to try to recover. Well, sadly(?) that is not the case. I just felt kind of inspired to write it. Maybe one day it will be true. All of it is true except the last two lines. I'm not saying good-bye. If anything, I'm saying hello.)


Today was a pretty good day. I enjoyed school. We did a fun pipette lab in biology. It felt so scientific. It was an important lab because I would be using that kind of tool and doing that kind of thing in a real forensics lab. It was awesome. =) I have a test in math next Tuesday. 0.o I'm nervous about that. I didn't do very well on the last test. I think I'll do better on this one. I have to do better.
I got a new pair of shoes for my induction into Phi Thetta Kappa. The are little white heels. They are cute and were on clearance for $20. That's a win. :)
I did almost perfect on food today. I ate a light yogurt for breakfast (100) and then didn't have anything until dinner. We had chicken noodle soup (130). I then ate a slice of lemon cake (~220). I wasn't too happy with myself after that but I dealt with it. I also drank some soy milk so maybe 25 more. I didn't drink very much. I just sipped some from the container. 0.o I can do that because no one else in my house drinks soy milk. So today's calorie total: 475. I can deal with that. I wish it would have only been 255 but it's the best I've done in days, probably weeks to be honest, so I'll take it.
I finally worked out today. It's been at 4 days since I last (truly) worked out. That is not good. I'm getting back into a schedule though.
I cleaned my room. I have a floor again. :) I also have an organized night stand. It was getting pretty messy. I also did some much needed laundry. (TMI warning) I was completely out of underwear. That's never a good sign. But now it's all clean so it's all good. :)
I have a test tomorrow in Criminology. I was supposed to study tonight but I didn't. At least I printed off the study guide so I can study tomorrow.
Well, I guess that's all. Oh! One more thing..My weight this morning was back below 110. Thank goodness!

-My biology lab was really cool.
-I have a cute new pair of shoes.
-I ate less than 500 calories. =D
-I exercised.
-I cleaned my room.
-I'm back below 110. =D
-I have 2 new followers. (I feel so loved!)

Thing I like about myself:
I try my best at everything I do.

Monday, April 11, 2011


My best friend turned 20 today! Yay buddy!! It's a big deal for her. This is the friend I met in the psych hospital a couple of years ago. She had a pretty good day but kind of had that feeling of "is it a good or bad thing that I lived another year?". I gave her a pep talk. I hope she liked it. I hope she is glad she turned 20. She has to stay alive so she can visit me this summer! Uh-duh! lol.
I actually woke up on time this morning (0.o). Although I did not get out of bed til 7:55. That's 55 minutes after my alarm first started going off. lol. School was good. I was at the Police Academy today (as I am on every M-W-F) and the police trainees were doing training. It was interesting. I wrote a poem while waiting for my grandma to come pick me up. It's actually pretty positive. I'll try to post it on here tomorrow. I'm already super tired right now and can't be "arsed" (I love that English word) to do it tonight.
I had my first group today. I was so fucking nervous. My stomach was in knots and I was having a hard time breathing. I thought I was going to get sick (I didn't). There were only two other girls my age. One of whom I will not try to get to know because I can't follow her thought process. The other, well, she didn't talk much. I don't know. I don't really like the people. Two of them are really nice though. It's just hard because it's all adults and most of them have kids. It's awkward. I also don't like the instructor/therapist. She's kind of hypocritical. I didn't understand today's skill. I don't know. I'm still going to go. I gave my therapist my word. I just want to go to a different group. I want to go to the group I used to go to. Oh well.
On the way home from group, my grandma and I were talking. I was going on and on about all sorts of things. Then my grandma said something that really struck a nerve. She told me she thought my suicide attempt was made so I could get attention from my mom. It's like fuck no! If I want attention, I'll cut or throw a fit or something. I'm not trying to kill myself for attention. She was saying how I always did it so I would get caught and be "saved". DKAHKFBSJBHFKJSHKJFVBKJBJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It pissed me off so bad. Words cannot even begin to describe how angry it makes me to be called an attention whore. Ugh! I have to stop talking about it. I don't want this post to be any more negative.
Food intake was moderate. I ate around 950. I really am not thrilled about that. It shoud have been lower. I could not believe my eyes when I stepped on the scale this morning. I was 111!!!! I haven't weighed over 110 since January! I was so upset but I didn't let it get to me. I just told myself I would do better. I have to do better. I can't believe I let myself get so fat again. I was so close to my first goal. Then I let it slip right out from my grasp. No, I will get it back. I will reach it and go lower. I will not be fat.
Well I'm super tired so I'm going to end this.

-I woke up on time.
-I got some math homework done.
-I folded my clean laundry and put it away.
-It was my best friend's 20th birthday! :)
-I ate less than I've been eating.

Thing I like about myself:
I'm supportive.

Sunday, April 10, 2011


was good I suppose. I ate way too much. We didn't even have dinner til after 7:30. That is way late. My little sister wouldn't stop pestering me. I was laying on the couch and she would sit on me. She would bend my legs and mess with my feet. Super annoying. When I was checking facebook, my friend was on and she wanted to talk to her too. We were literally fighting over the keyboard. My friend found it amusing. I guess in a way it was, but it was annoying. To sum up the evening between me and my lil sis: annoying. One word says it all. I feel like a pig. No, I am a pig. I ate so much food. I had a turkey burger w/ cheese and condiments, potato salad, baked beans, watermelon, and 2 cookies (360 for both). That was all one meal. I can't believe how much I ate. I didn't weigh myself tonight. It wouldn't have done me any good since I don't know what I weighed this morning. I guess for that I'm proud. I went a whole day without stepping on the scale. Yay? Well I'm uber tired and I want to go to bed. Good night loves.

-I went to Power Play.
-I had fun.
-It was a nice day out.
-I saw my aunt, uncle, and cousin.
-The cookies were yummy.
-I read my chapter for Criminology.

Thing(s) I like about myself (yesterday and today):
I am creative.
I am caring towards others.

Power Play

I ended up staying the night at my sister's house last night. I guess that was okay. We went to Chile's for dinner. Service was horrible! They wrote down the wrong name. Then the seated 4-5 groups that came in after us. My mom had to go up to the podium to ask what was going on. Then we were seated in the far back corner of the restaurant where it was FREEZING! All of us were cold. Then the waiter didn't bring out my parents chips/salsa appetizer before the meal. They actually had to ask for it! It was just not good. So my mom talked to the manager before we left. I felt bad for the manager that night. Anyways, we rented two movies. My lil sis and I watched one last night: Where The Wild Things Are. It was a very confusing movie. I was so tired and I wanted to fall asleep but I just kept watching. I had to see what would happen. It was weird. That was last night.
Today has been good so far I suppose. I went to Power Play with my mom and lil sis. Played some more air hockey. My little sister almost beat me. She scored like 4 points in like 2 minutes. It was crazy. I thought I was going to lose..BUT I didn't!! hehe I has some mad air hockey skills. I beat my mom too. Did another round of DDR. I had a max combo of 32. I was pretty psyched. :) I played Skeeball and a basketball game. I scored 260,000 on the Skeeball. That's pretty good for me. Lil sis and I played Laser Tag. It was pretty lame since there was only two of us. I won though. lol. I played a jumping game. I suck at it. Ummmm I played Centipede. My mom has two high scores on there. 0.o She's pretty good at those games. She also has the high score at Ms. Pacman from the movie theater yesterday. She's got skillz. lol. We bought candy with our tickets (smart choice fat ass). Then we stopped by McDonalds before heading back to my grandma's house.
So here I am, home at last. I read my chapter for the test on Wednesday. I have not done any other homework. People are coming over for dinner. My mom and little sister and actually back over here. 0.o So I'm going to go "enjoy" that. Later.

Saturday, April 9, 2011


"I could be a great sock."
That quote is brought to you by the movie Hop. I really like that one. It's a metaphor that I really relate to. Want to know what I'm talking about? Watch the movie. hehe. Free advertisement for Hop and movie theaters. So yes. Here's another good quote:
"I'm sorry I jellybeaned on your dreams."
hehe. Funny stuff. So watch it. I don't care if it's a kids movie. I'm an adult and I enjoyed it. Everyone needs to be a kid every now and then. =P
It's really hot outside. It's either in the upper 80s or lower 90s. 0.o Good stuff. I like warm weather. The only problem I have with warm weather is having to wear less clothing (i.e. shorts and short-sleeved shirts). Ugly body with hideous scars I just want to hide. Oh well. At least hopefully for the summer I'll have a skinny body. That's wishful thinking. =/
I feel fat today. That's nothing new. I've been feeling fat a lot the past week or so. Doesn't help that I ate lots of popcorn and candy at the movie. I also had an ICEE. Then after that I had a milkshake. That's not even all I've eaten. Just lots of junk. >.< I know it's not really binging but it just feels like too much. It's fat. I'm fat. Grrrr.
Might be going to Power Play today. It's an arcade place. Fun stuff. I played DDR and air hockey earlier with my lil sis. I beat her. hehe :)
Well I'm going to go before I get caught on here. I'll read when I get home. I'm at my sister's house right now.

Friday, April 8, 2011

new week

I feel like a fat failure. I tried to work out just now but the motivation is not there. It's like I've given up when it comes to my eating. I ate so much today. I ate two full meals. I obviously want to be fat. I hate myself. I hate my body. I'm so gross and disgusting. These are my ED thoughts taking over. I should let them take over. Maybe then I'll do something to make myself skinny. fucking fat ass bitch.
School was good. Nothing too exciting. Test in Criminology next Wednesday. Reading the chapter this weekend. Reading for my other classes as well. Then I have to get caught up on my math assignments. This last one is crucial. I have to do better on my next test. It's critical.
The day was wasted on the computer. I was mainly doing stuff on facebook for my mom (cooking in Cafe World). So boring and so annoying. I hate that game, especially when my mom does catering jobs. Pain in my ass.
I downloaded tons of music for my i-pod.
I watched a documentary on child anorexics.
Basically I did nothing all day except sit on my ass and get fat. Grrr. (>.<)

-My mom left me another song on my voicemail this morning.
-My grandma bought me some more yogurt.
-My grandma bought me a cute little stuffed animal bunny for Easter.
-I now have lots of new music on my i-pod.
-I successfully completed last week's goals. :)
That's all I can think of. I'm in a bad mood right now. :(

Thing I like about myself:
I'm (school) smart.

goals check-in

Last week's goals (4/1/11-4/8/11):
1.Clean the house for my grandparents. (Saturday)
2.Go to the Royals game. (Sunday)
3.Tell my therapist my commitments to living and group. (Monday)
4.Do my presentation in Criminology. (Monday)
5.Finish Get Me Out Of Here. (Thursday)
6.Make a list of 25 things I want to do before I die. (Thursday)
All complete!!

Monthly Goals  (4/1/11-4/30/11):
1.Blog something positive every day. yes..multiple positives =D
2.Exercise 5 times a week. yes..sometimes twice a day
3.Read chapters as we study them (not the day before the test!). working on it
4.Read three books (outside of school). one down..two to go
5.Stay cut, purge, and suicide attempt free. yes :)
6.Start/go to group. starting Monday
7.Be honest. yes

This Week's Goals (4/8/11-4/15/11):
1.Blog one (different!) thing I like about myself every day.
2.Start a new book.
3.List 25 reasons to live.
4.Clean my room.
5.Stay current on my math homework.

Good stuff. :)

Thursday, April 7, 2011

check 5 and 6

Right now I'm battling the urge to exercise. I haven't exercised today so it shouldn't be a bad thing. BUT it is. I'm obsessing over every little bit. I'm freaking out over the calories I consumed. I would have been fine had we not gone out to pizza. I would have been fine had I stuck to my salad, but no, I ate a slice of pizza and the crust off of two more slices. Then earlier today I had Cheetohs, two cookies, three bites of cookie dough, oatmeal, and a piece of toast. fucking fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat. I have no control. I didn't mind the oatmeal or the cookies (surprisingly) but the rest just makes me feel like shit. I am so fat. I've gained so much weight since my last weigh in. I'll be so embarrassed to post my weight tomorrow. Maybe I won't. It's too much. You will all surely agree that I am too fat. Exercising makes my legs look bigger. I want a thigh gap, not even bigger thunder thighs. fucking monkeys.
School was good. Nothing too exciting happened. We are talking about genetics in my biology class. Interesting stuff. Math is boring and a bit confusing. I just have to make sense of it.
I finished Get Me Out Of Here. It was a really good book.
As you saw in my previous post, I came up with my 25 things to do before I die.
I got the present from my friend: a stuffed animal penguin and some coloring roll thing.
I downloaded some new music for my i-pod.
I feel like curling up into a ball. I'm crying while talking to my mom on facebook about my eating. I feel so fat. I just want to see myself as I am. Why can't I see what everyone else sees? Right now I'm having thoughts of wanting to die. My ED is in control right now and it's making me miserable. I just want to be skinny, to feel skinny. I want to look in the mirror and like the way I look. I only begin to like myself when I see my bones. That's sick. I shouldn't want bones. I should want to be healthy but I'm fat when I'm healthy. I'm so confused. I just want the truth. I don't think I could accept it even if it hit me in the face. I can't write about this anymore.

-I enjoyed my oatmeal from breakfast.
-I finished my book.
-I made my bucket list.
-I saw my mom.
-I got my present.

I can't think of anymore. I'm too upset. I'm sorry but I need to go to bed. Good night.

25 Things to do before I die

1.    Write a book about my life.
2.    Publish a book of my poetry.
3.    Graduate college.
4.    Travel to Greece.
5.    Take a sign language course.
6.    Become fluent in Spanish.
7.    Meet my half-sister.
8.    Accept myself.
9.    Find happiness.
10.  Smile genuinely.
11.  Enjoy life.
12.  Meet my cousin.
13.  See my Michigan friends again.
14.  Beat my mental illnesses.
15.  Become a forensic scientist.
16.  Go skydiving.
17.  Go scuba diving.
18.  Complete another latch hook kit.
19.  Put together all the puzzles I own.
20.  Swim with dolphins.
21.  Master a skill on Runescape (level 99).
22.  Learn to draw people.
23.  Paint a picture on a true canvas.
24.  Live to see my sisters’ children.
25.  Find peace with God.

Since you seemed to like the last one...

Maybe one day I will. :)

I mean that!


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I'm strong

but yet I feel so weak. As I watch my body morph into a fat monster, I sit back and wonder if I'll ever be happy with myself again. Ever since I started exercising more, I feel like I'm doing less. I see myself grow bigger. It's as if the exercise is making me worse. It's making me fatter! But surely it can't be, can it? I shouldn't be ballooning. I should be shrinking. Why do I look (and feel) so much fatter? I can't be gaining muscle already. I've only been working out to this tape for 5 days. I do the occasional walk/run. I can't be getting bigger. I don't understand. As the number on the scale slowly works its way back down, I can't help but to think my scale is lying to me. If I'm losing, why do I look like I'm gaining? Please don't tell me it's my body dysmorphic disorder. I know my mind distorts my body image but this surely isn't the cause. This happens every time I work out. My body expands. It grows until I stop working out. Then slowly it shrinks again, back to "acceptable" size. It doesn't help that my therapist told me I need to tone (my body). In my head, she is telling me I'm fat. I know that is not what she is saying but that is what my mind is hearing. I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm fat. I may be happier overall, but my eating disorder is very mad. I am losing control over food. I am not burning enugh calories. I weigh too much. I have too much fat. I am too fat. Why am I like this? Why can't I see myself as I really am? I'm "skinny" but not skinny enough, never skinny enough. I want to just stop eating, stop eating completely. It's not that I want to lose weight. No, it's that I need to lose weight. I can't live with myself being so fat. I am disgusting. I am huge. I must be will be skinny.
Enough of my eating disorder thoughts. Time for the rest of my day. :)
School went well. I got 50/50 on my paper and 49/50 on my presentation (99/100 altogether) in Criminology!! =D I was so proud of myself. Way to go Amber!!
It was a beautiful day outside. It was in the 70s. :) I went for a run/walk with my grandma.
Ummm, I don't really know what else happened today. Nothing too exciting. I think this has been long enough anyways.

-I got a good great grade on my presentation! =D
-It was a nice day outside.
-I started reading my chapter in Criminology.
-I exercised.
-I talked to my mom..a lot. :)
-My mom sang to me on my voicemail this morning. =P
-My Christmas present from my friend arrived in the mail today! (I don't get it til tomorrow though 0.o)

Have a good night.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

postive quotes

positivity still won

Today has not been the best...BUT it wasn't the worst either. (It's not all black or white.) I woke up late again this morning. I hit the snooze button on my alarms and then turned them off without getting up!! I really needed a shower so I'm just going to take one tonight after my workout. I just can't seem to wake up in the mornings. Funny thing is I fell asleep by 10:30 last night. I was out within a few songs on my i-pod. :)
School started out pretty good. I got a B+(88%) on part 1 of my biology test. I took the second part today and I know I got an A. :) Then came math. I was anxious because we were supposed to get our tests back today. Well, we did and I did not do well. I got 63/100. That's a D-!! Thankfully he gave us 5 extra points because he worded a question weird. So instead of 63/100, I got 68/100 (D+). It is still not good. I can't believe I scored so poorly. It took everything in me not to start crying when I first saw my grade. Then a tear slipped out right before I asked my teacher to go over a few questions with me. Once my teacher walked away and I had put my test in my backpack, the tears started coming faster. I was crying as I was walking down the hallway to get to the parking garage. By the time I got to my grandma's car, I was full out sobbing. My grandma tried to comfort me but the pain of getting such a bad grade was very strong. She started driving while I continued to cry. I felt weak and stupid. I felt like a failure. I thought of thoughts that I would have thought just last week, but they no longer were true. Yes, I was upset because I didn't do well but no, I didn't want to kill myself. Instead I wanted to try harder and do better on my next text (not that I have a choice). So school did not end well but I'm feeling better now. :)
Food started out good. I had a light yogurt (100) and a Special K bar (90). Then I had a mini-binge of Hostess cupcakes (360). Then dinner was full on shit. I had a turkey burger (which by itself was 240 calories!!) on a bun (140) with condiments (20). Then I had a salad with cucumber cubes and lite Italian dressing (100), a small scoop of deviled eggs potato salad (~100), and cooked broccoli (~50). fat fat fat fat fat. I'm sure dinner was about 750. I just added up my guesstimates and it was 650. I'll just say 750 though so I can be sure I counted all the calories. So that's 1300 calories today. Gross. I thought I was going to make this week better food wise but I guess not. I guess there's always tomorrow.
Other than my bad grade and food, my day has been pretty good. I finally caught up on everyone's blogs. Sorry if I didn't comment. I tried to on some though. And thanks for all of your comments. I'm glad you like my positives. I like them too! =P And Nikki, I'm glad you are stealing my idea. It's a wonderful idea to take, if I may say so myself. ;)

-I wasn't late to school even though we left waaay late.
-I got a good grade on my biology test.
-I didn't let my bad grade on my math test ruin my day.
-I didn't have any true thoughts of suicide or self-harm.
-It was a beautiful day.
-My urge to purge is going away. :)

I might post again later.

Monday, April 4, 2011

check 3 and 4

I did not want to wake up this morning. Good thing my mom called at 7:40. Otherwise, I would have still been asleep. (To prevent this from happening tomorrow, I have set two alarms.) I was super slow getting ready. My grandma was ready before me! Now that's saying something.
School was good. You will never guess what I did. Well, I'm sure you could but I'll save you the trouble and just tell you! (drum roll please......) I presented in Criminology! My teacher was asking for volunteers and no one was volunteering. I hesitantly raised my hand. My teacher was like "Amber's going to go?!" and I was like "yeah." So because I volunteered, my teacher said we could leave early. I did my presentation. I was so nervous and forgot half my information, but I got through it. I asked my teacher how I did after class and he said I did good. =DDD So yay Amber!!!
I've been reading my book Get Me Out Of Here. It is really good. I'm almost done. I have about 150 more pages to go. =)
I went to therapy today. They had repainted and rearranged the waiting room. Then I found out that my therapist moved to a downstairs office. It's a lot bigger. Session went really well. I told her about my turn around and my commitment to two months suicide free and group. She was glad that I am doing better and glad that I am going to go to group, although she wishes I could make the eating disorder group (I can't because of school). I talked to her about my friend and my (old) plan of killing myself last Friday. She didn't ask what my plan was and I didn't really tell her. She didn't really say much about my friend. It was kind of weird. It felt good to get it out though. So session was good.
I saw my psychiatrist after my therapist. He didn't seem to care about my turn around in mood. He just cared about the meds. I told him I've been having troubles falling asleep at night. His solution: a sleeping pill. He suggests one every time I go in to see him. Every time I turn him down. They make me not wake up in the morning and groggy throughout the day. It's not worth it. That's the one thing I hate about psychiatrists. All they want to do is put you on a new med. It's like no, I'm dependent on them enough as it is. I really don't want another one. Plus, sleeping pills are addicting. So no med changes.
My dad was brought me home after that session. The problem was my grandparents weren't home. I called my grandma and she told me that they were at the store. She also informed me that I was (apparently) having dinner with mom and dad. That was news to me and my dad. My dad was pissed (not for the first time today) and drove me back to my sister's home. I just kind of avoided him after that. Mom came home from work and picked up my little sister and me. We went to Taco Bell for dinner. I ate too much (again). We met up with my grandparents at Wal-Mart and they took me home. I helped unload the car and put away groceries. Then I came to my room to workout. I love having my own tv with dvd/VHS player. I can workout whenever I want. =) I did my Biggest Loser: Last Chance Workout. I was super hot from that. Then I checked facebook and now I'm on here. Unfortunately, I did not get a chance to read anyone's blog tonight but I should be able to tomorrow. I leave you with the positives of the day.

-I met two more weekly goals.
-I did a good job on my presentation.
-I had a good session with my therapist.
-I didn't let the mini fights with my dad ruin my day.
-I got in a workout.
-I'm really liking my book. The chapter I'm on now I really relate to.
-The sun came out and warmed me up in the car.

That's all for now. Night loves!

Sunday, April 3, 2011


I'm sure you are wondering what those numbers mean. Well I'll tell a second. hehe.
I barely heard my alarm this morning. It's a good thing I heard it though because I had to wake up and get ready for a busy day. I got ready and waited for my grandparents to get ready. We left and were off to breakfast at a restaurant called Tumbleweeds. It was kind of weird. I ordered 2 pancakes with turkey bacon. I only ate half the pancakes because 1. they were huge and 2. I knew if I ate them all, I would want to purge. Plus I was feeling fat and was wondering how much food weight I was gaining. (I was freaking out so bad today because yesterday I gained 5 pounds worth of food!! causing a 3.2 pound gain ='((( this morning. ) But to stick to the positives, they were really good. :)
Then we were off to the Royals game! It was a beautiful day for a game. There was some nice winds and the temp was in the 80s. We arrived at the stadium about an hour before the game. We (sun) lotioned up (my grandparents only did it upon my request 0.o) and went into the stadium. I had no idea the stadium had an elevator and escalator. We took the elevator up and the escalator down but we're not there yet!! We got ourselves some bottles of water and went to find our seats. Our seats were a little past first base on the top level. We actually had a pretty nice view. :) The national anthem was sang and PLAAAAY BAAAALLLL!!!! The Royals were doing really well the first two innings. The Angels had no runs and we had scored 5. It was like oh yes! Then in the third inning, the Angels scored TWO homeruns! It was like oh no! The game started getting closer until the Angels were ahead. I was like "no, we can't lose!" Well then we caught up. I was like phew! But then, we were behind again. It was the bottom of the 9th and we tied the game 9-9. The bases were loaded but we couldn't get that last hit. Next thing I knew, we had 3 outs. The game was going over. So we played 4 more innings. There were a couple of close calls with the other team. They got to third base and I was so worried that they would score...BUT they didn't! Phew! Some guys behind me were antagonizing the pitcher(s). They kept switching the pitchers because they were losing their cool. One of the pitchers previously in the game had actually hit our player!! Anyways, almost 5 hours after the game had started came the magic hit. There were two players on base and then BAM! over the wall went the ball (hehe rhymes). We won! We won!! Woooooo-hoooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! I stood up and was cheering my head off. Royals win 12 to 9!! It was awesome! I had such a good time. =D I was so glad I got to go and my grandma said we are going to do it again! It's like double win!! =P
We left the game and started our journey home. We stopped at McDonalds for drinks. By this time it was almost 7 pm. My grandma decided we were going to stop at Applebee's. I decided I would try their Teriyaki Chicken Pasta (450). It was so bland and dry and gross. It was a waste of money, but I ate it. Then we drove home and here I am! What a great day. I am really glad I decided to live. I would have missed out on so much fun had I OD'ed on Friday.
Right now there is storm going on. It was hailing a few minutes ago. I don't mind. Storms always make me sleep well. They are relaxing to me. :)
So overall, today was a GREAT day.

-I enjoyed a good breakfast.
-The weather was fantastic.
-I completed another goal.
-I went to the Royals game.
-The Royals won. =)))
-My friend enjoyed her package.
-It waited to storm til we got home.
Yay for positives! I like how I have so many. =)

Seeing my therapist and psychiatrist tomorrow. Good news to tell them. =)
Well it's getting late and I'm really tired. I'll read everyone's posts tomorrow. Night lovelies!

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Day 2

Today went well as well. <--hehe That's funny to say. I thought about it before typing it and almost didn't type it, but then I realized that it sounded amusing so I decided to type it. Did that confuse anybody? lol.
My day started off nice and relaxing. I got to sleep in til after 10 am. It was heaven. It was nice to sleep in late. I took my shower. That was nice too. My grandma informed me that my mom was on her way over and she was going to join us for breakfast. I was super excited to see my mom again. I just saw her on Monday but it seemed like forever. Anyways, we had pancakes and turkey bacon for breakfast. I had two of each. I had a glass and a half of lite V8 Fusion. It seems like a lot but it was less calories than if I would have had one glass of the regular V8. 0.o My mom's ordering me a magazine. I was tempted to ask her to order some fashion mags for thinspo but decided against it. It would have been suspicious. So instead, I just got a magazine I always read. =) I think my grandma ordered a magazine or two as well. Oh and it's for my little sister. She's selling magazines for Girl Scouts. After getting the magazine orders figured out, my mom left. It made me kind of sad but she had stuff to do. I helped my grandparents clean the house. I hate their vaccuum with a passion. >.< I even cleaned my bathroom. I didn't clean the shower or the floor though because I was lazy. 0.o It was in the 70s today, so we went to the park and walked around. It felt so nice. I should have run but I just relaxed and walked with my grandparents. It was still exercise. After our walk, we went to McDonalds. That makes sense. Walk and burn calories just to eat it all back. I had a snack size Oreo McFlurry (330). Stupid decision.  Then I also had a cookie (180).  We came home and I got on the computer. I sent my friend a super long message explaining to her some boundaries that I want to set. She said she wants us to be back to normal and she'll talk to me more. I found something really ironic that she said. She told me the reason why she doesn't tell me stuff is because she's scared I'll tell my mom who will then turn and tell her mom. It's like no, I wouldn't do that. It's ironic though because that's exactly how I felt about telling her my plan. So I don't know. I told her that right now I am hesitant to talk to her and that I just want to talk about easy stuff. I don't want to delve into deep feelings. She said she'll respect that. I cooked dinner (spaghetti and turkey meatballs). I ate too much of it. Then I had a yogurt. Then I ate a package of Poptarts (400). Today I did horrible food wise. I felt feel like a pig. I really wanted to purge but instead told myself that I would burn off some of the calories. So I did The Biggest Loser: Last Chance Workout. I doubt I burned very many calories but at least I did something productive. =) Now I'm getting ready for bed but before I go, something positive.

Positive(s) of the Day:
-I saw my mom.
-I accomplished one of my goals for the week.
-I resisted a very strong urge.
-It was a nice day outside.
-The good feeling was still here.

Well good night everyone. Thanks for your support!

Friday, April 1, 2011


Thanks everyone for standing by me in my darkest times. I know I've been a real mess lately and I'm sorry for putting you through all the worry. I know that I'm still going to struggle. I also know that there will be a day some time in the future when I will want to take those pills that I have saved. I know the best thing to do is get rid of them, but right now, I'm not quite ready to take that step. But you have my word that until school lets out for the summer, I will not take them. I promise.
So how was today (besides inspiring)? It was good for the most part. I took a test that I'm feeling pretty good about. I went for a two mile walk/run. I got through a very strong urge without purging. =) These are the positives. I want to focus on them. There were some bad moments, well maybe bad is too extreme a word, more like not good moments, but I got through them the best I could.
I'm still struggling with my friend. We aren't "fighting" anymore but I wouldn't exactly say we are on solid ground either. She texted me several times today and each time I made an excuse (although it was legitimate every time) not to talk to her. She messaged me on facebook a few different times. She still has yet to explain to me what she needs to say. All she's really said is she's glad I'm not going to kill myself, I made her feel horrible and cry herself to sleep at night, and she wasn't encouraging me. Right. Enough of her. I want to
keep this post positive.
I want to set goals for this month. I think goals will help keep me on track and help me to stay focused on the positive in life. I think setting goals will give me something to live for. I need that. So I will break them down into weekly and monthly goals.

This week's goals (4/1/11-4/8/11):
1.Clean the house for my grandparents. (Saturday)
2.Go to the Royals game. (Sunday)
3.Tell my therapist my commitments to living and group. (Monday)
4.Do my presentation in Criminology.
5.Finish Get Me Out Of Here.
6.Make a list of 25 things I want to do before I die.

Monthly Goals  (4/1/11-4/30/11):
1.Blog something positive every day.
2.Exercise 5 times a week.
3.Read chapters as we study them (not the day before the test!).
4.Read three books (outside of school).
5.Stay cut, purge, and suicide attempt free.
6.Start/go to group.
7.Be honest.

I think that's a good start. I'm going to make April a good month.

"Today is the first day of the rest of my life."


Today feels different. I don't know what hit me. It's just like BAM! These feelings of hope and wanting to live came over me. I don't know what happened. I think it's because I made the decision that I was going to live out this semester. I decided I was going to fight, if only for two more months. Today feels good and I like it. I told my therapist I had good news for her on Monday. Want to know the good news? I'm going to give my word to take suicide off the table for two months. Suicide is off the table until I'm out of school for the summer. What happens after that, I don't know but for now, I am willing to live. I am also going to inform her that I will go to group. That is huge for me. I figure if I'm going to live for two months, I might as well try to get something out of them. I will be giving therapy a renewed chance. It's going to be scary but I'm going to live, not just survive. I'm going to "fight to live instead of fight to die". Here's a poem I wrote earlier today. I think you'll like it.

Taking My Life
This fear consumes me
But it's not your average fear
It's not death I'm scared of
It's continuing to live here
(here on Earth that is)
Living scares me greatly
I don't like how it makes me feel
Half the time I'm in delusions
Convinced this life isn't real
So scared of the pain
So scared of the hurt
Not able to handle these feelings
Want to feel better but nothing works
I can't stand the uncertainty
Of what is yet to come
I only know one thing
Living, I'm coming undone
I know what's right
I know what's wrong
But it's impossible to live
I'm just not that strong
I'm just so scared
I'm not sure what to choose
Live or attempt to die?
Feels like either way I lose
Just want to feel better
Maybe then I'll want to live
I'm just hesitant
What if life has nothing to give?
I'm taking a leap of faith
I'm not taking my life tonight
I'll give life one more chance
I'm up for one more fight
So today I'll face my fears
And the day after that
Living as best as I can
Taking my life back.