poems

I wrote these poems three days apart. One of them was the one I mentioned in a previous post. It's kind of amusing because they are very conflicting. Oh well. Here they are:

From Ana
Hello darling
Remember me?
The one who helped you
On the road to skinny
You seem so distant
Why have you grown cold?
I'm talking to you
But you won't do what you're told
I'm trying to help you
Achieve what you want most
Bones and a thigh gap
A body you can boast
But you ignore me
I guess you want to be fat
If you want me gone,
I swear I won't come back
I'll give you to Mia
She'll take after you
Binge after binge
You'll start to purge again too
With me you'll be empty
Light and so pure
You'll never escape my voice
Of that you must be sure
I'm here to help you
Without me, you can't win
But stick with me and I guarantee
You're on the path to being thin

To Ana
I know you are bad for me
I just can't say good-bye
I tell myself I need you
But deep down, I know I need you gone
I crave your advice
Even though your words hurt
I want you with me
Always, but never again
You are killing me
I've convinced myself that you are the way
The way to happiness
The way to thin
But really you are the way to the end
A slow suicide
Intentional or not
I do not know
I do know I'll never be happy
With you that is
Your lies will make me miserable
They already do
You make me hate myself
My body
My life
Well I need it to stop
I need freedom
I need love, not hate
I need truth, not lies
You will never give me that
No matter how much I try to tell myself you will
Deep down, I know my view is distorted
It's so hard to change
It's scary to change
But I think I'm better off without you
I know I'll never fully be ready
To say good-bye
But I have to try
I have to try soon
I'm (not) sorry
I think I'm saying good-bye
Bye Ana.

(Based on the second poem, one might think I am going to try to recover. Well, sadly(?) that is not the case. I just felt kind of inspired to write it. Maybe one day it will be true. All of it is true except the last two lines. I'm not saying good-bye. If anything, I'm saying hello.)