Monday, April 25, 2011

ahem

Sorry for last night's negativity (although I cannot fully say it's gone). I was in a rough place (and still kinda am). I didn't cut last night, even though I badly wanted to. I didn't even scratch myself or dig my nails into my skin or bite myself or anything. I just laid there in a ball, clenching the leg of my pajama pants in my fist. I was able to fall asleep.
Sleep has not been peaceful. No, not since my session with my therapist. Too many triggers. rape. sexual abuse. dirty unclean images.
It's too much. It's really all too much. This is killing me slowly. It makes me want to die. I want to hide. I want to run. I want to tear out of my skin. It's filthy and dirty. I want to be clean. I want to be pure. Yes, I want to be pure. Starving is pure. It's empty. It's light. That is what I'll do. Whenever I want to eat, I will remember that I am filthy when I eat. It makes me dirty. I don't want to be dirty. I want to be clean. I will cleanse myself the only way I know how. I will starve.

(This has not been any more positive than the last post. Fail. I'm sorry.)

6 words from my listeners:

Nikki said...

the upside of it all is that you resisted cutting, scratching, ect...

but i am so so sorry to see youre feeling this way right now. let me kno if i can do anything to help <3

please stay safe

SilentNightmare said...

Hun stop being so hard on yourself and try to stop judging actions of the past and things that happened that no one should ever go through. I know its hard esp when you're being triggered by images, have you told your T that you're having flashbacks?

Iris said...

I'm so sorry darling. I'm proud of you for resisting self-injury though.

Tiffany Tilly said...

I'm sorry things are really hard for now but i'm really happy that you didn't resort to cutting or any self- harming, i'm really proud of you for that, i couldn't be that strong though i'm trying to work on it. You can get over this, you will be happy again and i hope tomorrow is better for you. I think you're fabulously amazing no matter what you past says.

GraceyJ said...

im sure things will get better hun .
xx

americaneaglelove said...

I'm really sorry that things are tough right now, but they will get better, I'm positive. I'm really glad you didn't self injure. If there's anything I can do, just let me know. I hope tomorrow will be a great day for you. :)

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