Monday, April 11, 2011

20!

My best friend turned 20 today! Yay buddy!! It's a big deal for her. This is the friend I met in the psych hospital a couple of years ago. She had a pretty good day but kind of had that feeling of "is it a good or bad thing that I lived another year?". I gave her a pep talk. I hope she liked it. I hope she is glad she turned 20. She has to stay alive so she can visit me this summer! Uh-duh! lol.
I actually woke up on time this morning (0.o). Although I did not get out of bed til 7:55. That's 55 minutes after my alarm first started going off. lol. School was good. I was at the Police Academy today (as I am on every M-W-F) and the police trainees were doing training. It was interesting. I wrote a poem while waiting for my grandma to come pick me up. It's actually pretty positive. I'll try to post it on here tomorrow. I'm already super tired right now and can't be "arsed" (I love that English word) to do it tonight.
I had my first group today. I was so fucking nervous. My stomach was in knots and I was having a hard time breathing. I thought I was going to get sick (I didn't). There were only two other girls my age. One of whom I will not try to get to know because I can't follow her thought process. The other, well, she didn't talk much. I don't know. I don't really like the people. Two of them are really nice though. It's just hard because it's all adults and most of them have kids. It's awkward. I also don't like the instructor/therapist. She's kind of hypocritical. I didn't understand today's skill. I don't know. I'm still going to go. I gave my therapist my word. I just want to go to a different group. I want to go to the group I used to go to. Oh well.
On the way home from group, my grandma and I were talking. I was going on and on about all sorts of things. Then my grandma said something that really struck a nerve. She told me she thought my suicide attempt was made so I could get attention from my mom. It's like fuck no! If I want attention, I'll cut or throw a fit or something. I'm not trying to kill myself for attention. She was saying how I always did it so I would get caught and be "saved". DKAHKFBSJBHFKJSHKJFVBKJBJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It pissed me off so bad. Words cannot even begin to describe how angry it makes me to be called an attention whore. Ugh! I have to stop talking about it. I don't want this post to be any more negative.
Food intake was moderate. I ate around 950. I really am not thrilled about that. It shoud have been lower. I could not believe my eyes when I stepped on the scale this morning. I was 111!!!! I haven't weighed over 110 since January! I was so upset but I didn't let it get to me. I just told myself I would do better. I have to do better. I can't believe I let myself get so fat again. I was so close to my first goal. Then I let it slip right out from my grasp. No, I will get it back. I will reach it and go lower. I will not be fat.
Well I'm super tired so I'm going to end this.

Positives:
-I woke up on time.
-I got some math homework done.
-I folded my clean laundry and put it away.
-It was my best friend's 20th birthday! :)
-I ate less than I've been eating.

Thing I like about myself:
I'm supportive.

6 words from my listeners:

Peaches said...

I'm glad your staying positive, I hope you always have good days <3

GraceyJ said...

keep up the positive stuff hunnie (:

xx

Jenny said...

I really like that you try to stay positive.
It will only help you!
Keep it up!
<3 Jenny

DietCokePlease said...

Love your postive's at the end <3 Also suicide isn't worth it, stay strong and lovely, you have loads of amazing followers who listen to what you have to say. 111lbs is still really good, when i get to that point I'l be dancing happily. xxx

SilentNightmare said...

I think for your grandparents generation its hard to understand that SU can be just an honest willingness to escape life rather than looking for attention and they don't really understand mental illnesses as they think that its just a way to get attention, but in reality its often something that can develop out of your control. Anyways i'm not excusing her, that was the worst thing you would ever say to a person who is trying to get better. Anyways i'm glad you had a good day regardless of her comments *hugs*

Iris said...

My heart leaps when I see the positives at the end.

But I'm very sorry about your grandmother's ignorant words.

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