Tuesday, February 28, 2012

(love) sick?

laying in bed at 2 am feeling like you are going to throw up is so much fun.
i don't know why i feel nauseous.
perhaps it's because i've been reading love stories.
stories of girls falling in love with each other and being happy.
maybe the sickly sweet love that i'll never have is making feel so ill.
torturing myself with romance.
seeing pictures.
reading stories.
even my ipod is against me.
(i don't know why more than half of my ipod consists of love songs when i've never been in love.)
it's sad really.
wanting love.
but not having it.
people tell me they love me,
but it's not the kind of love i want.
i want someone to hold me in their arms while i sleep.
someone to hold my hand in public.
someone to kiss me and hug me and make me feel special.
here come the tears i've been holding back.
why do i always break down at night.
it's always over this.
being alone.
it doesn't make sense.
i hate myself so much for being gay,
yet the one thing i want is to be loved by a girl.
a girl i can call mine.
a girl who wants me back.
i am so fucking alone.
love from a family member can only do so much.
it doesn't fill this aching hole in my heart that can only be filled by some special girl who loves me.
i don't mean the friendly love that is between best friends.
i mean the love that two people share when they've found "the one".
i'm not saying i want to marry the first girl i date.
i just want to feel like someone wants me.
like someone needs me.
I just want somebody to love me.

Friday, February 24, 2012

8 months cut free as of 2/23/12

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

when being gay doesn't make you gay

life is not going well right now.
what is wrong?
i just hate myself for being gay.
my parents hate me for being gay.
don't fucking talk about anything "gay" around them
"stop the gay talk".
i mean really?
what happened to "we may not approve, but we accept you."?
oh that's right.
it's just another lie.
another fairy tale in my head.
i'm sorry i want to talk to you about the thing that made me realize i'm gay.
a (non-canon) couple from the show glee and the actress who portray them.
i saw the looks quinn gave rachel.
the looks she got in return.
the feelings between them have grown,
along with their "friendship".
even the way the actresses look at each other in real life proved they loved each other.
i realized how badly i wanted to have someone look at me like that.
i want to look back at them.
i want somebody to hold my hand and me actually want to hold their hand too.
(sorry, this is all out of context and if you want more, i can explain privately. not going to spam you with my otp.)
it really hurts.
it really FUCKING hurts.
who knew self-hatred could be so extreme?
and no one understands.
gay kids who are outed or who come out themselves are often bullied.
i am not bullied.
no one outside my family knows that i actually see in person.
(therapist not included)
those kids who are bullied for their sexuality often attempt suicide.
i just want to say that i am so tempted to kill myself.
not because other people hate me for being gay,
but because i hate myself for it.
if this gets messed up, sorry.
it's hard to blog while crying.
i wish i had never "realized" i was gay.
i wish i could still hold onto the hope that i was at least bisexual.
but no.
i can't.
i'm no longer in denial.
all the feelings i had been pushing away because i still had "hope"
are here full force.
i swear this is more powerful than anything i've ever felt.
i know no one really gives a fuck about me and my whining about being gay,
but i need to get it out.
bottling it up isn't helping me any.
although i can't really say this helping either.
so many fucking emotions right now.
i cannot handle them.
there's more to why i'm upset but i won't bore you with those details now.
i guess that's all i've got to whine about.
my poor pathetic life.
before i end this,
i have one last thing to say.
it is for me but you can still read it.

dear self,
i fucking hate you.