Tuesday, February 21, 2012

when being gay doesn't make you gay

life is not going well right now.
what is wrong?
i just hate myself for being gay.
my parents hate me for being gay.
don't fucking talk about anything "gay" around them
"stop the gay talk".
i mean really?
what happened to "we may not approve, but we accept you."?
oh that's right.
it's just another lie.
another fairy tale in my head.
i'm sorry i want to talk to you about the thing that made me realize i'm gay.
a (non-canon) couple from the show glee and the actress who portray them.
i saw the looks quinn gave rachel.
the looks she got in return.
the feelings between them have grown,
along with their "friendship".
even the way the actresses look at each other in real life proved they loved each other.
i realized how badly i wanted to have someone look at me like that.
i want to look back at them.
i want somebody to hold my hand and me actually want to hold their hand too.
(sorry, this is all out of context and if you want more, i can explain privately. not going to spam you with my otp.)
it really hurts.
it really FUCKING hurts.
who knew self-hatred could be so extreme?
and no one understands.
gay kids who are outed or who come out themselves are often bullied.
i am not bullied.
no one outside my family knows that i actually see in person.
(therapist not included)
those kids who are bullied for their sexuality often attempt suicide.
i just want to say that i am so tempted to kill myself.
not because other people hate me for being gay,
but because i hate myself for it.
if this gets messed up, sorry.
it's hard to blog while crying.
i wish i had never "realized" i was gay.
i wish i could still hold onto the hope that i was at least bisexual.
but no.
i can't.
i'm no longer in denial.
all the feelings i had been pushing away because i still had "hope"
are here full force.
i swear this is more powerful than anything i've ever felt.
i know no one really gives a fuck about me and my whining about being gay,
but i need to get it out.
bottling it up isn't helping me any.
although i can't really say this helping either.
so many fucking emotions right now.
i cannot handle them.
there's more to why i'm upset but i won't bore you with those details now.
i guess that's all i've got to whine about.
my poor pathetic life.
before i end this,
i have one last thing to say.
it is for me but you can still read it.

dear self,
i fucking hate you.

1 words from my listeners:

Lissy. said...

Maybe not to the same extent, but I know how you feel. (I've given up on trying to figure out my sexuality but for now I'm just not bothered by anyone!) when I was thirteen or so I realised I might not be straight and got into a complete state and started cutting. I don't tell many people that that's the reason I started, but it is.

It's a scary feeling and I remember hating it, not because of other people but because of myself.

I think as much as you feel it's an issue with yourself, the people you're around, their opinions are inevitably having an affect on how you feel about this.

I also think that in what I think of as "grown up life"- so the world of employment etc rather than college, that people as a whole are much more accepting of differences. Also you may well be underestimating some people like friends of yours!

The way your family are being is awful!! Like really really shocking from what you've said!

Is there any way you can have a family therapy session to discuss it?

I genuinely think realising your sexuality is really important and a positive step even if you feel like shit for it now :(

Take care xxx

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