it all comes back at night

i know i haven't really blogged in forever but tonight, i just had to get this out. it hurts too much to hold it in.

months ago, i finally realized that i did not like boys. for years i had questioned it. i knew i liked girls but guys were a whole other story. last year, i met david. unappreciated texts to which i shamefully flirted back to. the worst date of my life. followed by kisses which repulsed me greatly. i thought it was just because i didn't have feelings for him. deep down, i was suppressing that i wished i was kissing a girl, that i was holding hands with a girl. no, i told myself, i just didn't like him and he was a terrible kisser.

in september, i overdosed and was in the psych hospital. there i met the nicest guy. he liked me. i was sure the feelings were mutual. i flirted. he flirted. my stomach felt bubbly around him. he made me feel special. he saw me at my worst and still he wanted to be with me. problem was, he lived in oklahoma. still, we decided to date. as the weeks outside the hospital passed, i realized my feelings weren't as strong now that i wasn't seeing him every day. i told people about him.  the feelings lessened even more. he made plans to come visit me. as much as i wanted to see him, i dreaded it. i should have known then but still i denied it. but i couldn't deny that when we inevitably kissed, i would know. the day we spent together was great. i would have enjoyed it more had i not been worrying about the fateful kiss. we kissed farewell. i felt nothing. my heart broke in that moment. i was gay. i could no longer have hope for liking boys. a boy i thought i had feelings for kissed me and nothing. the first girl i kissed, who i had no feelings for, made me feel fireworks. years of denying, hoping, praying that i wasn't gay could no longer be ignored.

i can't believe how hard i am crying right now. it's a bit ridiculous.

i told my therapist first. then some of my on-line friends and my best friend who i happened to meet in the hospital.i officially came out to my parents in a family session right before christmas. they said they already knew. secretly they had hoped it was a phase. secretly i hoped so too. there was no more hoping though. it was real, not a phase. i am gay.

it's hard to admit those words. i wish i didn't have to. i'm so ashamed. "my brain is fucked up. why does my heart have to be fucked up too?"  i said that to my therapist. it's so true. why can't my heart love who it's supposed to? why can't i be straight? i know i hated god before. this made it worse. i don't understand why he hates me so much. it says in the bible that homosexuality is a sin. i was told by a pastor to resist my homosexual urges and to seek help. how can i accept myself if i don't feel like the person who made me like this doesn't accept me either? i wish i could believe that god loves me no matter what. i wish i could believe that other people love me no matter what, but i can't. i just can't.

don't get me wrong. i have nothing against homosexuals. i am all for equal rights. love is love. i know you don't choose who you fall in love with. i just wish it was different for me. i wish i could choose. i wish i could accept me. i wish i was normal, straight. i wish i could have pride, but i can't deal with being gay.

i am fighting so many urges to destroy myself, to punish myself. it just hurts so much inside. i can't. i just can't. make it stop please. just make it stop.