Thursday, March 31, 2011

you know what..

I'm not killing myself this weekend. No, I have plans that I fully intend on keeping. I want to go to a baseball game with my grandparents this weekend. I want to find out how I did on my math and biology tests. I want to finish the school semester. I don't care what she said to me. I just got done typing her a very very very long message on facebook pretty much telling her how I'm feeling about her role in all of this. I told her I don't understand how she promised she wouldn't tell, then she said I had til Sunday, and then today said she might even tell before then. I don't understand why she is encouraging me to kill myself and if I don't try to, she'll tell. I don't understand why she told me tonight that I should try to kill myself today because then she wouldn't really know about it. I expressed my feelings of regret for telling her and putting her in this situation. I got mad and told her that I never wanted to tell her. She was the one begging for information. Begging might even be too kind of a word. I think harrassing would be better. Now that she knows, she can't handle it, which I feared would be the case. She expressed to me tonight that she had been cutting and burning herself because of this situation. I had no clue. She told me tonight "Sorry, I'm so sorry." I thought she had told so I got mad. Then she informed me that it didn't affect me. I freaked out thinking she had told. That's when she told me she had cut and burned herself. I had no clue. She was acting like I've known it all along, when in reality, I just found out with the last text I received from her. When I came home, I saw she had messaged me saying that I "seem to think that we aren't good for each other" and that I want to end our friendship. She said "if you want me out, I'm gone. Bye buddy." It's like what the fuck? I never said that. I may be thinking that but I never said that to her. I only told her that if she told my mom, our friendship would be over. I told her that I can't trust her because all she has been doing is lying and breaking promises. Best friend? No. I don't know what's going to happen between us. I hope that she doesn't tell. It wouldn't make since to tell because I expressed to her that I want to wait til the end of the semester. That's two months! But I don't see what difference it makes. If she tells, she tells. Maybe it's best we end it anyways. I don't know. Right now I'm so confused but I am trying to make sense of things. I'm not going to kill myself because she says I have to. I really hope though, if she tells that she tells exactly what she was saying and telling me to do. I'm not the only bad guy and I told her that. But for now, I am living.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011


I kinda maybe just a little bit freaked out earlier. My friend had simply fallen asleep. She hadn't told my mom. She hadn't told my friend any numbers. I wish I could say I felt relief, but no, I felt worse. The panic continued. Why did I tell her? She just wants me to tell her when I'm trying to kill myself so she can tell my mom and get me hospitalized. I can't trust her. I can't trust anyone. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I'm so fucking stupid. What the fuck did I just do? I was crying and hyperventilating. I was having a panic attack. Then she says it, "if you haven't overdosed by Sunday, I'm telling your mom." I was like WHAT THE FUCK?!! She lied to me. She promised she wouldn't tell. I asked her if she wanted me dead. Why would she do this to me? I can't believe her. I told her if she told "I swear to God I will never talk to you again". And I honestly believe that I wouldn' least not for awhile, not while I'm in this mindset. So it's Friday or it's never. Friday it is. I don't want to do it on Friday. I was making plans with my grandma for Sunday to see the Royals (KC's baseball team). It makes me sad. I don't know why I even bother. I know I'm going to live. I'm fucking invincible. I don't care what people tell me. I am invincible. So yeah. I guess Friday will be my last post for awhile or possibly forever if I'm (un?)lucky. I am just so mad that I broke down and told her. Me telling her was like me saying "yes, please help me. I want to live." When in all reality it's like "I fucking hate my life. I'm a monster. I deserve to die and rot in hell." Fucking monkeys. I feel like shit. I don't want to OD this weekend but I refuse to have my mom find out about the pills before I've taken them. I will not have just wasted over $30 worth of pills. No. I have no choice but to try (once again) this weekend. I am sorry for letting you down. But rest assured, I will probably live.
School was good today. I almost volunteered to do my presentation but I got too scared. I'll have to do it Friday for sure.
I went for a 2 mile run today. It felt nice even though the temperature was pretty chilly.
I ate like a pig. I had two mini binges. I ate a yogurt for breakfast (100), cereal for lunch (160), binge #1 was 3 Ho Hos (370), binge #2 was chips and salsa (350). That is way too much, almost 1000 calories. Fat pig.
Today I said I would post my weight. I weigh 105.6 pounds. I've lost 2.8 pounds in 2 days. Fucking awesome. More like not enough.
Well I'm tired as hell. It's been a rough night. I get to sleep in tomorrow. Woo-hoo. *eye roll* Sleep well loves.

fucking paranoid

I think my best friend is telling on me. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I know that's what she should be doing but I swear to God if that's what she is doing, I will never EVER talk to her again. Besides maybe to say FUCK YOU BITCH! I don't know why she would tell. She's been encouraging me this whole time. Second thoughts maybe? I don't know and I don't care. All I know is I am freaking the FUCK out! She told me I had someone asking about me and how to get in touch with me and my family. It's like shit shit shit shit shit. I'm going crazy here. I'm not going to take the pills tonight though. I'm not going to be rash because if she is telling on me, if the person who was asking about me gets my mom's number, I don't want to give them a solid reason to put me in the hospital. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

EDIT: She's on.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011


Today I was bad. Today I went and bought two boxes of Triple C and 1 box of Tylenol PM. What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't know if I'm going to overdose on Friday or not. There's a part of me that wants to wait until after the semester is over. I'm scared that I'll live and be forced to stay in the hospital for a long time. I don't want to have to drop out of school. So I'm sure this is when you say "if school is so important, why not live for that?". And here's my response: I don't want to live for something that will eventually go away. I don't want to live for something I'm good at. I want to live because I enjoy life (which I don't). I don't know. My friend is kind of encouraging me to do it on Friday. I just don't want to risk losing school. It's like if I'm going to live, I'm going to be in school. Without school, I am nothing. A hospital will do me no good. It will only make me even more crazy and even more wanting to kill myself. It is bad. Bad bad bad. Why am I like this? I just want to die.
I'm reading 23 Minutes in Hell by Bill Wiese. I'm reading it to see what it will be like when I die and go to hell. That's where I think I'll go if I die by suicide. I believe suicide is the ultimate sin. I don't think it matters that I believe in God. I also think that my anger towards God is another reason why I'd go to hell. But who knows? Maybe I won't go to hell. I just think it's where I belong.
School was good. No, school was great. I extracted my DNA and am now wearing it around my neck on a necklace!! Super cool! Man, I sound like a nerd. Oh wells. Took my biology test. That went well I think. I find out how I did on my math test on Thursday. 0.o Anxious on that one.
So yeah. I don't really know what all is going on.
Food today was good. I had a Special K bar (90), a yogurt (100), some southwestern goulash (~300), Skinny Cow ice cream (150), and two slices of cantaloupe. So probably at max 750 cals. Not too bad. I managed to lose 1.4 pounds from yesterday to today. Woot. I guess that's good. I'm still much to fat. I'll post my weight again tomorrow.
Until then, good night!

Monday, March 28, 2011

miss no way it's all good

That's what I want people to believe. Really, the truth is so obvious a blind person could see it. I'm fucking suicidal. Therapy was shit today. Dad kicked me out again. I fucking hate it when he does that. It's MY fucking session so don't kick me out of it. Asshole. You would think he would remember one of the last times he kicked me out. I ran away and overdosed. What a dick. I hate my dad.
Food was shit again today. I ate like I was normal. I am not normal. I am fat. I weighed 108.4 this morning after a two day binge. That is no acceptable. I'm sure I'll have gained again tomorrow. I don't know why I am doing this. I plan on acting on my plan this Friday or Saturday. I don't want the people who take me away to think I'm fat bitch (even though we all know I am). I can't believe that I haven't lost any weight this month.
fat pathetic bitch. unworthy of good. deserving of punishment. deserving of death. failure. disgusting. mess. pig. ugly. crazy. die die die.
I made a CD for my friend. It's positive. 0.o It's kind of a farewell present. She deserves so much more.
I can't believe it's 9 pm and I am almost ready for bed. Just have to check facebook and then time for shut eye! Hopefully my alarm clock works tomorrow. Good night.

Just Like a Pill parody by Sharron Levy

Sunday, March 27, 2011

get me out of here

My massage went well yesterday. I felt nice and relaxed. :) I felt horrified though by my fat and period. I'm sure she thought I was gross.
My mom, little sister, and I went to Borders and bought books. I bought one on borderline personality disorder (Get Me Out Of Here) and one on eating disorders. I forget what it's called and I'm too lazy to go get it.
Later that night, I binged on candy and popcorn while watching movies with my sister.
I got my haircut. It feels too short.
I went to my cousin's birthday party. Really it was for the adults to watch the KU game. We lost 71-61. Booooo!!!
I did my homework.
I started reading my new book.
I ate too much today. I ate too much yesterday. I am fat. too fat.
I see my therapist tomorrow. I don't want to go. I've gained weight. What if she notices? She'll think I'm fat. I am fat. fat fat fat. I don't want help. I don't deserve help. fat disgusting monster. I want to die. I deserve to die. send me to hell. i deserve to rot forever. die.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

unpleasant pleasant moments

So I am on my period. It sucks. It's a pure sign of fatness. fucking fat bitch But that's not my point. I have a massage today. I am very nervous about it. I don't remember what I weighed when I went last time. I think I've gained weight. She's going to think I'm fat. I can't blam her though. I am. I'm very surprised to have lost weight this morning. I binged on ice cream, Ho Hos, and cupcakes last night with all the fighting I was doing with everyone. But it doesn't matter. I lost and I guess that's what counts. So that puts me at 107.4 pounds. fat fat fat Oh and for the person who asked my height, I'm 5'4". That puts me at a BMI of 18.3. I have 16.4% body fat. That is 17.6 pounds of fat. Gross. I can't believe that I'm that covered in fat. Although really, I can. So yeah. Okay, I guess that's all for now. Just wanted to inform you of my period, my massage, and my weight.
Have a good day!

P.S. I updated my poetry page. Check out the link in my sidebar!

Friday, March 25, 2011

new plan

So as today progressed, I got into a fight with my best friend over me not telling her my plans/methods to get a gun. Then for some reason tonight on facebook all of that changed. She started telling me what parts of my plan wouldn't work. She kind of became my suicide buddy. Now I have a whole new plan ready to be put into action on Tuesday. Don't worry though. Tuesday isn't going to be my suicide day. I plan for next weekend, probably Friday night Just depends on what I have going for me the next day. Ok, enough suicide talk.
School was good. I did really well on my criminolgy test (96%!!). Now my grade is a 99%. Woot! Go me! jk jk. My criminal justice classes are the only classes I'm doing well in right now. =/
Food was bad. I shoved Hostess cupcakes down my throat after fighting with my mom and friend on facebook. So I'm sure I'll have gained tomorrow. fucking fat ass. Nothing more, nothing less.

I honestly swear I am up to no good.

found a website that sells guns and ammunition. My mom just set up a checking account for me for medical purposes. Suicide will be my medication.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

what on earth

am I doing up this late on a school night?? It's 10:20 pm and I should be asleep or at least trying to fall asleep. No, instead I am on blogger catching up on everyone's blogs and typing my own post. I'm so silly. I just felt it wouldn't be fair to leave you guys with two days of no posts. Not that I'm so important that you couldn't live two days without me..
Anyways, I didn't end up presenting yesterday. Only two people went. Both presentations were very interesting. I have a test in that class tomorrow. It took me two hours to read the chapter tonight. I swear the print is like 8 font!
I saw my therapist yesterday. That did not go well at all. I told her I was quitting therapy after she told me I had to come to Monday's group. I told her I did not want help. I told her DBT doesn't do shit for me. She called my dad up so he could have his say. Then he sent me out of the room so they could talk. I have to go back on Monday to tell her whether or not I'm quitting therapy. BUT even though I am 18 and I have the legal right to do so, I can't quit therapy! My mom said insurance won't pay for my meds if I don't see a therapist. It's like KJSDHFGOISHDGHSKLDGJVKJHEOIGTNVJKUAEOTGBN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It pisses me the fuck off. (>_<) Why do I not have a fucking say in my life? fucking monekys!!
Today was a up down day. I got to sleep in til 9 since today is my late start day. Then my grandma and I actually left on time. I got to school way early (which I like to be) and wrote two poems. I will probably remake a poetry page so be on the lookout for that!
I had a math test today. I felt so fucking stupid that I cried. This is the second test I've done that on. weak failure stupid pathetic I have to get a good grade on that test because I only have 4 grades in that class. Each one is a 100 point test. I have to do well on it! =(
Food today was a fail. I ate Taco Bell and two servings of chicken alfredo with vegetables. It was good but very bad. I finally discovered my true weight. I won't post it til Saturday though. Hopefully I will have dropped a little more weight by then. I must say I am very glad that I wasn't back to 110. I was very worried. I still was way too high. I was at the weight I was at the start of the month. I would have been so mad if was above it.
I haven't started my period yet. It's been a full month. Usually I'm a few days early. Last month however, I was a few days late. So idk.
In positive friend's sister had her baby!! Little Ryleigh. She is so precious! Babies are cute when they aren't yours.
Okay, well its almost 10:35 and I need to go to bed so good night!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

i am so

TIRED! I haven't felt this tired in a long time. I could barely wake up this morning. I wanted to fall asleep in class. I'm practically falling asleep typing this.
Not much to say really.
I finished my powerpoint for my presentation (which I could potentially be doing tomorrow!!).
My friend's sister-in-law is having her baby tonight. 0.o I am very excited for her and her family. =D
Umm, my grandma took her scale out of my bathroom. It's a good thing I have my own. ;)
I didn't work out tonight like I planned.
I ate way too many calories today. I topped off my night with Twinkies. (>.<)
I guess that's it. Good night loves!

my reunion

did not happen yesterday. No, I had to stay the night at my sister's house again. So now it really has been a week and a half without my own scale. Fucking monkeys! I know I will be disappointed with the number though. I know I've gained. When I first weighed on my parents scale I was 106.4. This morning I weighed 109.4. It's like h-o-l-y s-h-i-t. There is no way you can deny that I am a fat ass. I've gained at least 3 pounds according to their scale. I don't even want to see the real damage. The problem is I can already see the damage. My stomach is bigger. My bones don't show as much. I'm getting fat fat fat. I also realized that I increased my Abilify around the time I switched over to stay with my sister/parents. Abilify causes weight gain. It's like shit shit shit shit shit. I will not let it make me blow up. I will work against it. I will not get any fatter. I can't deal with gaining anymore weight. I'm already stressed enough as it is. Then to make matters worse, my parents bought me binge food!! It's like why the FUCK would you do that?!! So now I have Twinkies and Ho Hos and Hostess cupcakes and chocolate fudge Pop-tarts and Ramen Noodles and Flaming Hot Cheetohs. fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!!! It's obvious that they want me to be fat. My mom keeps telling me if I just eat healthy, then I'll feel better. That's not true and it's like how the hell am I supposed to eat healthy with all the fucking food you just bought me?! Grrr! (>.<)
So I really wasn't planning on making this long. I guess I just had a lot to say. I'll probably post again tonight. Until then..

Monday, March 21, 2011


So I totally just found out what that meant yesterday (for the win!). I think ftw is a good title for this entry because (drum roll please!).....I finished my paper that I've been putting off all spring break! It's due on Wednesday along with a powerpoint (I have yet to do that 0.o). I'm not looking forward to presenting though. I fail at presenting. Hopefully my paper and the quality of my slides will make up for my lack of presentation skills. Hopefully...
Oh and the paper was why I didn't post yesterday evening. I was typing until 9:27 pm. I started around 5 or 6 pm. That's f'ing crazy, working on a paper that long. It's 7 pages with a  title and source page. My teacher said that was allowed though so it works for me! I think it's rather funny how most of my paper is an intro about the Virginia Tech shooter. The paper is supposed to be on crime theories. I have 3 paragraphs on crime theories. FAIL! lol.
I finally go back to my grandma and grandpa's tonight!! It's about time! Finally I can just chill in my room (instead of chilling in the kitchen) and weigh myself with my own scale. How I've missed my scale. The one where I'm staying is off by a few pounds. It pisses me off because I've been without an accurate scale for almost a week and a half!!! I don't know how people don't weigh themselves every day. It's making me fucking bonkers! I know that I've gained weight though. (>_<) fucking fat ass. I was hoping to be back down to at least 104 by the time I see my therapist, but I don't think that will happen since we are meeting on Wednesday instead of Friday. Great, now she gets to see me in all my fatness. <--Thinking about that makes me chuckle because she's seen me at 120 and now I'm about 15 pounds lighter so I don't know why I'm so worried. I make so much sense. 0.o
I just want to be 102 again, BMI 17.5.
Then I want 100, BMI 17.2.
95, 16.3.
90, 15.4.
Ultimately 85, BMI 14.6.
85 = perfection. 85 = bliss. 85 = beautiful. 85 = happiness.
At least that's what I tell myself now.
I'm sure if I ever get to 85, I'll be in the hospital. How pissed off I will be. People just want me fat. I don't know why they are so worried. I still eat. I guess there is no need to get all frustrated now.
I wish I could talk to my friend about this. She has no idea that I've relapsed into my eating disorder. She still lives in Michigan, so how on earth would she know unless I told her? I just feel like I'm too fat to tell her about it. I won't tell her unless I have to go inpatient (which will probably never happen because I'm a fat ass!!). It just sucks because I feel so alone about it. I just don't want to trigger her because she too has an eating disorder. She hasn't had issues with starving herself in awhile though. I don't know if she binges though since I don't eat with her and never lived with her outside the hospital. So I don't know. Enough about her though. I feel bad talking about her.
This is getting kinda long so good-bye for now!

Saturday, March 19, 2011


My friend shared this video with me tonight as I talked with her about my true thoughts and feelings.

"Why would you walk away in the middle of a song?...Your beautiful song"

i think

I'm falling, not even slowly. No, it is happening quickly. The black is encroaching once more in my life. Where these thoughts ever really gone? I doubt it. I think I'll always feel this way. I've tried to escape but how do you escape yourself? I can't do this again. No, not again. I don't think there is any hope. My grandparents have a gun. They keep it in a safe. Once I find the key, it's over. I'll take my remaining pills and pull the fucking trigger. Bang. End of story.
Why am I telling you this? What good will come of this? All of your attempts to save me when it's quite obvious that I can't be saved. I don't want your comments telling me there is hope for a better future. No, I don't want your lies. There is no better future. There is no least not for me. Please don't lie to me anymore. Save your breath. Don't waste your words.
I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm sorry this monster is back. It's only been a month since I last attempted and here I am already plotting my next attempt. Pathetic. Fucking pathetic. Weak. Yes, I am weak. I don't know what else to say. Forgive my ramblings. I'm just fucking crazy. Forgive me.

here to stay

You can't hide this,
you can't hide me.
You know you can't escape.
You know you're never free.

You're mine.
I know you know
because I never gave you up.
I never let you go.

So don't try to fight me,
you know you'll never win.
I am strong and you are weak.
You know you will give in.

Don't hate the monster you're becoming.
It's not nice to hate the truth.
Don't hate me for taking over
because really, I'm not me. I'm you.

You know that I'm not lying.
You know you really are this way.
So just relax, enjoy the ride
Because I'm here to stay.

Friday, March 18, 2011

he's back.

Hey there precious.
Remember me?
The one who haunts your memories.

Yes, it's me.
I am back.
Be prepared to fall off track.

You thought we were through,
but darling, you're so wrong.
You should have known I would be back before long.

So here I am
waiting to take over.
Tell recovery to move over.

I'm back in charge.
Your life is mine.
I can't believe you thought things were fine.

Why do you lie to yourself?
You know I always win.
You know it won't be long until you once again sin.

So just give up, give in, don't fight.
Welcome me and welcome the night.

It's okay for you to quit
because now with me, this is it.

I'm the one who'll take you away.
So come with me, in the dark we'll play.

Down the path to suicide
So follow me and say good-bye.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

well dang!

Lissy-Don't worry about me. I'm (relatively) fine (for now). I am taking care of myself. I'm still eating..bunches. I think I have gained at least 3 pounds since Saturday. I only cut once and that was on Monday night. I'm feeling safer now. So don't worry.
Only one person commented on my previous post. ='( jk but really, I thought it was worthy of a comment or two. I guess it doesn't really matter because I'm pretty sure you guys already knew most of that about me. I don't know. I had the hardest time coming up with things to say. So I guess it's okay that only one person commented. Oh well.
My food intake started off great. I didn't eat til 1 pm. I had a yogurt and 8 cut up pieces of fruit. Then I got hungry and had a big dinner (burrito with rice). I went for a 1.5 mile run with my mom. That was good. I ran the last half mile by myself. I kinda wanted to do more but I decided I did enough. listen to the lies you tell yourself. fat pig. you'll never be enough. Then my mom went to Sonic and I got a hot fudge sundae. It was huge. It even had whipped cream and a cherry! fat fat fat. Then I came home and finished my mini bag of popcorn. you ate enough today to feed 5 families in Japan. My thoughts are rapid and mean. I'm feeling guilty. Tomorrow I'm going on two runs. I'm running at least 3 miles tomorrow. fucking fat bitch. you know that's not enough. I wish I could turn the voice off. I'm tired of the thoughts.
Did little work on my paper again today. I researched a little bit so I guess that's a step in the right direction. lazy bitch. you're going to fail. you always fail. not good enough. never good enough.
I'm going to bed. I want to escape these thoughts. Good night.

an award!

The Rules:
1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.
4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.

1. Capable of doing many things competently.

2. Having varied uses or serving many functions.
3. Variable or inconstant; changeable.
4. Biology Capable of moving freely in all directions, as the antenna of an insect, the toe of an owl, or the loosely attached another of a flower.
Seven things about me...
1.I'm in college to become a forensic scientist. I will be the one who works in a crime lab analyzing data to help solve crimes. =D
2.I'm still afraid of the dark. I have to sleep with a night light. 0.o
3.In my creative writing class in my senior year of high school, we had to write lyrics for a song. We then had a contest to see whose song would be put to music and recorded. Mine got picked. :)
4.I have a half sister who was adopted out of the family at birth. She found us about 3 years ago and I started talking to her about a year and a half ago. She suffers from mental health problems too. She used to deal with an eating disorder.
5.Today is my third grade teacher's birthday. She died the night before her 55th birthday the year I had her. :'( I miss you Mrs. Kimery!
6.It has been 2 years, 11 months, and 1 day since I last purged. That's f'ing crazy. There is a big part of me that would gladly throw away that record if it meant I could be skinny.
Ummm...this is getting hard. Good thing I only have one more!!
7.I have carved LIES, FAT (times four), BITCH, EMO, LOVE, CRAZY, DIE, SAVE ME, CM (friend's initials), my symbol, and my little sister's name into my body. There might have been more. Most of the scars are still there. =(
Now to pass the torch!
Good luck girls!!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

to mock youtube...

And they think they can sing. Like seriosuly? What the hell were those music producers thinking? Worst singers ever! Maybe not ever but for real? Are they deaf? They suck. Maybe it's just me (but even my lil sis agrees) but there is nothing good about Rebecca Black or Jenna Rose. There were however two other girls that I found tonight that actually did have some talent: Kaya Rosenthal and Alana Lee. Also, if those girls weren't so young, they would all make great thinspo. That sounds really creepy and perverted coming from an 18 year old. It's weird though because I still feel like I'm around their age (12/early teen).
Ok, enough of that rant. I could rant about how much of a fat pig I am. I started off the day good but then I started eating more after my run. I had almost 2 servings of Flaming Hot Cheetohs (21 chips is a serving). Then for dinner I had a bean burrito and two helpings of rice. Then I had a drumstick for dessert. Fat fat fat. I guess that's okay since I exercised. Lies! Why would I tell myself that? It's not okay to eat that much! Fat bitch.
My grandma's surgery went well yesterday. She and my grandpa are both at home now. I, however, can't go home until after the weekend! Fuck a duck. I've been without my scales since Saturday. I mean I still have a scale but it's not accurate. I'm dying here!!
No one has noticed my cuts. If they have, they haven't said anything. It was rather stupid to cut on my wrist. I guess I just didn't care.
I should have done homework today but I goofed off. I have a 6 page paper and  powerpoint due in a week and I haven't even started!! I need to kick my butt into gear and start working on it. I can't afford to get a bad grade. Well, really I can but that doesn't mean I should just slack off.
My little sister just called me fat. I'm sure she was joking but really? You're going to tell someone with an eating disorder they are fat and weigh "like 345 pounds"? Yeah, thanks.
Edit: I received the Versatile Award tonight but I won't post until tomorrow.

recovery song

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Anberlin - The Unwinding Cable Car

two words

I ate binged.

selfish bitch

Guess what was on my mind this morning when I woke Food was on my mind. I woke up hungry. That's a bad way to start the day. I then proceeded to tell myself that I am not eating today. I am too fat to eat. I don't have to eat now that I'm not in Renew. With that decided, I got up and started my day. My weigh-in was not good. I don't know my exact weight but I do know I gained another .2 pounds. That puts me back at at least 105.2 pounds. Grrr. >.< But it's okay because I will lose the weight again. I will lose more weight. I want to be in the 90s when I see my therapist on 3/25. I'm 5 pounds away. I can do it. I wish I had my green tea pills to help with the process. I can lose over a pound the first day I take it. It's such a waste to have bought them and now not be able to take them. I just don't want my mom to know I'm on them so I didn't bring them with me (I'm staying at her house). So today I fast. Tomorrow I might continue. I think it could be fun to see how long I can go. I'll make it a game. Only way I'm eating is if we go out somewhere as a family. That might end up happening tonight. My grandma is having hip surgery (not a hip replacement). It's not major and it's outpatient so she can come home tonight. My aunt is going to be there and so is my mom. I believe I am going to be there too. I don't know if anyone else is coming though. I hope not. The more people who come, the bigger the chance of a big dinner. Wow. What a selfish bitch I am being. Today my grandma is having surgery and all I care about is eating. I'm a horrible person. I deserve this miserable life.

Monday, March 14, 2011

I quit..

the IOP that is. A stroke of good fortune fell into my lap on the way to IOP tonight. Insurance is refusing to pay. My mom had a financial aid plan set up for when insurance ran out but I told her I didn't want to do it. It was just what I needed to escape. Fuck recovery. Losing weight is all that matters. (For all of you in recovery, I fully support you in your journey. I'm just not ready for it myself.) So that was that. No more plans of recovery for me. I think I'm going to go cut now. It's time for a total relapse.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Let It Rain - The Ivory (Original Song!)

I listened to this and just thought wow. It describes me.


Sorry about the screw up on posting comments. I changed layouts so now you can post them again! Well, if you want...
So today was a fat day, a binge day, an I'm-going-to-eat-like-I'm-perfectly-normal day. I ate much too much. I had cereal and yogurt for breafast, a six-inch sub for lunch, and salad, spaghetti, and garlic bread for dinner. Then as desserts/indulgences I had 3/4 a BK Oreo Shake thing and a Drumstick. f-u-c-k-i-n-g f-a-t a-s-s. Once I go to "bed", I'm going to exercise. I'll have gained at least a pound tomorrow. Fat bitch.
My little sister was in a St. Patrick's Day parade this afternoon. It was 36 degrees outside!! I was freezing my (fat) ass off. Thankfully my dad brought a second coat so I got to wear that. Oh yes, that reminds me that I had a 20 oz hot chocolate from QuikTrip. I'm really layering on the chocolate today. Must be about to start my period. >.< x 999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999!!!
I visited my grandpa in the hospital. He is still really confused. They can't draw any blood (at least they couldn't before I left.) They had previously tried 4 times. =( I hope he gets better soon.
Tomorrow I go back to IOP. Shit. I bet I've gained weight and I'll be all fat when I get there. My plan was to lose weight, not gain it. (fucking fat ass) I don't even have access to my scale right now so I really have no idea how much I really weigh. I'm like freaking out. My mom and dad's scale is not accurate. >.< Grrrr.
I guess that's all. Night.

Saturday, March 12, 2011


I was talking to an old staff member of a residential I used to be in. Needless to say that did not go well. She got mad at me when I told her I relapsed into my eating disorder. I started talking to her for support. I didn't want/expect her to get mad. It's like WTF? I told her I was in IOP and she was like "good, that makes me feel better". I told her it makes me feel worse. She told me I need to focus. I asked her on what and she said "You!". I told her I hate me and I want me to be gone. She said she didn't want to hear me talking "crazy". I told her I'm sorry I feel this way and that I'll leave her alone. She said that wasn't what she meant. Apparently I have to "fight harder" and "find faith". I wanted to tell her "fuck you" but instead I said I was tired and was going to bed. The whole conversation pissed me off. I thought I could rely on her to support me but instead it fuels me more. When I told her my dietician wants me to gain weight, she said "u need to". I asked why. Do you know what she said? "Because". What the hell kind of answer is because?! I told her that does not qualify as an answer. Ugh. It was stupid. I never should have talked to her. Big mistake on my behalf. I learned my lesson.
I ate at McDonald's twice today (but that was all I had). I had the fruit and maple oatmeal (290). That was delish. I also had a small orange juice (150). For lunch I had a grilled honey mustard snack wrap (260) and a large sweet tea (280). I also snacked on some fries (~25) and had a sip of the Shamrock milkshake (~5). That's 1010 calories! Holy shit! That was way more than I thought I had today. Fuck! Stupid drinks added a zillion calories. So I ate more than half of the calories I'm supposed to eat for recovery. Go me! NOT!! I have no idea if I'm going to gain from this or not. I won't have my scales for like a week. 0.o I'm like freaking out. I'll still have access to a scale but it's not my own so it won't be as accurate. Grrrr. >.< This pisses me off.
On a random note, my front teeth are really hurting. I don't know why. I haven't been purging so that can't be it. Lack of nutrition maybe? Who knows and who cares. All I know is I want to lose weight. I want these pounds to be gone. I think I'm actually starting to get a thigh gap. 0.o x 192847039570915983 It's small but it's a step in the right direction. I'm also starting to see my chest bone a little bit. I'm still much too fat. I still have a lot of weight to lose. 19.8 pounds to be exact. The people at Renew say I'll be stopped before then but I don't care. I'm sure as hell going to try to get there. Fuck recovery. I want skinny.


For once, it's not me in the hospital. It's my grandpa. He's been really confused lately. This morning was terrible. He's diabetic so this morning when he was trying to do his insulin, he tried to do it in his finger (like he was taking his blood sugar). Then he thought we were 5-10 minutes away from McDonalds (we were going there for breakfast to meet my aunt and uncle) when we were in the parking lot. Once he got his food, he couldn't figure out how to do anything (butter the pancakes or biscuit, put his biscuit sandwich together). It was bad. My aunt and uncle told my grandma that she needed to take my grandpa to the hospital. So she took him to the ER. They took blood and are running tests. He had blood in his urine. They called the neurosurgeon. He was admitted to stay about an hour ago. I'm worried about him. =( Get better grandpa.

Friday, March 11, 2011


I'm in "recovery" and so far I'm lost 1.4 pounds. But shhh, don't tell. I'm not supposed to know my weight. My dietician wants me to not have access to a scale. She says the scale will fuel my eating disorder. Even though I know she is right, I don't care. My grandma can take her scale out of the bathroom (which she forgot to do yesterday), but it won't matter since I have my own. *insert evil smiley face here* I have actually been eating less than I was before "recovery". Ha. What a joke this is. I'm going to keep losing weight. They can't stop me. I'm still too fat for inpatient. I'm still EDNOS, so who gives a fuck?
I went for a walk/run today since it was 69 degrees outside. Super nice. I don't even know if I'm allowed to exercise. I don't care if I'm not supposed to. I'm going to do it anyways. I did last night and I did today. Fuck being fat. I want to be skinny.
Wow. So I realize that I am sounding like a total bitch. I kinda am so I guess it fits.
I don't know what else to say. Night.

Renew IOP

no no no no no no no NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
fat fat fat fat fat fat fat FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I started Renew's Intensive Outpatient Program last night. Recovery = worst thing ever. No lie. The IOP meets three times a week: Monday, Tuesday, Thursday. A requirement of the program is you have to eat a full meal and snack every night you attend. It's like FUCK. I tried not to look at the other girls' meals. I didn't want to be triggered. The whole time I was eating I could feel the anger growing in me. I felt forced. I don't want to do this IOP. I'm too fat.
Another requirement of the program is a dietician. I talked to mine a couple hours before the program started. I think everyone is blowing everything out of proportion. They all act like I'm super skinny and so malnurished. It's like laugh out loud in your face. What a joke. Anyways, the dietician wants me to gain to at least 115 and eat at least 1800 calories. FUCK THAT. I started crying when she told me how much she wanted me to eat a day.
I can't do this. I just can't. I can't quit the program for two weeks, otherwise insurance company won't pay. >.< Once those two weeks are over, I'm done. I am not doing this. Fuck recovery. I want skinny. 105? Let's try 85.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


I want to. so bad. really bad. Fucking shoot me in the head. I'm tired of these urges. I'm tired of the feeling of food in my throat just begging me to stick my finger down and rid myself of sin. Fuck I want to purge. The urge won't go away. fuck fuck fuck.
IHOP for breakfast. less than 360 calories.
Doctor's appointment. EKG good. 4 vials of blood drawn. Cleared for the IOP.
Biology reading.
Food. lots of it.
Blogs. read most, few/no comments.
Tired. bed. good night.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

ever get that feeling

that no matter how hard you push yourself, no matter how long/hard you work out, you will always be fat? Yeah, that's how I felt tonight. I did 15 minutes or so of dance. I felt like that wasn't working so I started doing sit-ups. Then I just broke down into tears. I just laid there on the floor and cried, feeling fat and helpless and hopeless. I wanted to purge. I wanted to slash my arms to pieces. Instead I laid there and cried and cried and cried. I finally calmed down enough to call my therapist. She wanted to know why I was upset. I told her I felt fat. She told me I need to get out of emotion mind and into reasonable mind. Logically I know I'm not fat, but I can't shake the thoughts/feelings that I am. My therapist recommended some skills for me to put to use. I listened to music and did some Sudoku. I still feel a little upset but not as bad as before. I fucking hate my eating disorder, but do I want to change? No, not really. Changing = fat. Fuck that.
On to other know that biology test I thought I failed? I got an 85%!! I almost died of shock when I saw my grade. lol. I'm actually doing a lot better in that class than I thought I was. =D
My friend that was in the hospital is now in a group home. That was of last Tuesday. That's not the news though. She had a friend from the hospital text her yesterday telling her she overdosed and was cutting. Then her phone shut off. My buddy is very worried. I hope her friend is okay. Pray for her. My buddy has enough to worry about without her friend's stupidity.
I can't think of anything else. I still have not read blogs. I have been failing in that department lately. Sorry. =( Well I'm like uber tired and I'm waking up early to go to IHOP for breakfast. We are meeting my uncle from out of town. I just hope I'm not late for school. Okay, well good night.

Monday, March 7, 2011


This morning started off not so great. I didn't wake up until 7:50. I leave (preferably before) around 8:15. So I'm rushing around. I weigh myself. 107.6 on the WW scale. That's not as bad as I thought it would be. Still not good though. I eat a Special K bar for breakfast, then off I go to school. I'm so tired in school I can barely concentrate on the topic. I do okay though. I get through my morning classes. Time to for lunch/down time. I eat PB&J on one piece of bread with some Flaming Hot Cheetohs (yeah, real healthy..I know...). I drink some soy milk. I'm cold. I've been cold a lot lately. I went to my room and laid down. I guess I fell asleep for a little bit because my grandma came in to wake me up. I was almost late for my appointment with my therapist. Thankfully I wasn't. (I'm always paranoid I will be. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I just want to be early to everything.) The session goes well. We talk about my massage. I told her my fat bothered me more than my past. That's pretty f-cking pathetic. We talked about my dad a little bit and our relationship. I don't even know where it is. I guess we've moved past last week. Who knows? We talked about Renew and my feelings of I'm too fat for recovery. We also talked about how I feel I'm a monster because of all my bad thoughts/actions and how I hurt people. She tried to make me believe that everyone deserves happiness. I told her I didn't. Yes, everyone else does, but not me. She said I must be pretty special then. (I told this to my friend once outside of session and my friend said "haha but you are pretty freaking special!") Lastly, we talked about my appointment with my psychiatrist that was following hers. She was trying to get me to be positive about it since my last 3 appointments with my doctor have all gone horribly wrong. So anyways, I went to my appointment and it went (drum roll please.....) really well. I didn't cry, scream, or get violent. We talked like civilized human beings. We both "behaved". I'm proud of myself for keeping it together. I did good. The rest of my day was spent shopping for groceries and reading my biology book. I ate dinner. That was leftover tuna casserole. I had some candy (I really need to get out of that habit!! >.<) for dessert. I also made some raspberry tea. It was diet so it only has 5 calories instead of the 80 the regular has. 0.o Okay, well it's getting late, I have to wake up early tomorrow, and I'm tired. I didn't get a chance to read anyone's blogs but I will hopefully tomorrow. Night loves!

Sunday, March 6, 2011

just a little bit fatter

I ate a ton tonight. Tuna casserole. Oatmeal raisin cookies. Ice cream sandwich. Two cups of juice. fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat. Need I continue? I can't wait to start over tomorrow. I've been really tempted to purge again. I know I would regret it but I also know I regret keeping it down. Did I tell you guys that I almost/kind of purged when I was in the hospital? Someone told I "ate a lot for someone with an eating disorder." Then my fucking doctor said "why are they worried about you eating? you aren't underweight." Thanks asshole. Grrrr. I is frustrated with fucking comments. I'm going to bed. Good night loves. Stay beautiful.

new room

For those who haven't read the exciting news of me getting kicked out, I was..almost a week ago. I am finally getting settled into my new room. Today my parents came over to help me move furniture and stuff around. Now I just need to finish unpacking and I am all set. :) I like the way my new room looks too. It's very spacious the way I have it arranged. I have a tv with a VCR/DVD player so I can watch movies. Really, I'm going to be doing exercise whenever I want. I just need to get more workout videos. =P It's going to be sweet.
I think I've gained a zillion pounds. I've been eating candy all weekend and pigging out on chips. Fat ass = me. No lie. Any weight I had lost this month has all been put back on. God, I'm such a fat bitch. All I've done is eat eat eat. Eating = fatness = unhappiness = self-hatred = bad thoughts = bad actions = big mess. I don't like this equation. Starting tomorrow I am doing better. I have already fucked up today, but I'm not going to make it any worse. I don't need to really undo myself. I better not weigh over 108.6 (my starting weight for the month). I'll fucking go crazy if I do.
Sorry for no post yesterday. I was with my mom and little sister all day. Then I spent the night at my older sister's house. I didn't have my laptop and there was no way I was risking blogger on a public computer. It's risky enough on my own computer. So anyways, let me tell you about yesterday.
My mom and lil sis came to pick me up around 11 am. My mom made me change because I wasn't wearing the right colors for the KU game. 0.o It was rather silly but I didn't mind. Then we went and bought running shoes for my little sister. She is doing a 5k for her school's all girl running club. My mom is doing it with her and I wanted to join. So My mom and I got new running shoes too. Then we went to the mall to get my lil sis a costume for her school play (which I am going to be missing because of a school event >.<). We went to Target and bought a pedometer which tells steps, distance, and calories burned. I can't wait to try mine out. We did go for a run/walk up at my sister's school. I can run a quarter of a mile before my breathing starts getting all weird. Altogether we ran/walked 1.12 miles. We probably would have kept going if my little sister didn't have to pee. >.< Then I was feeling light headed and dizzy when we went to the store right after our run. I thought I was going to pass out or puke or something not good. I was okay though. I just laid down when we got home. Then it was time for my mom, older sister, and me to get our massages. I was really anxious about it given my past history. I went in there though and had a really nice time. I felt a little anxious while being massaged but I tried to just stay relaxed. The music really helped. I was kind anxious too about my scars and my fat. I kind of wanted to cry when she was doing my back because of the fat back there. I was so embarrassed. I'm sure she thought I was gross. Then I was freaking out minorly when she was doing my thighs. I hate my thighs. They are so big. Talk about embarrassing. BUT overall I enjoyed it. I've decided I'm going to go back. :) I think it was a good idea to try it. My therapist was very glad to know that I had a good time. I knew she would be worried about me so I texted her. She really cares about me. I can't understand why. I'm such a bitch to her. :( I went back to my sister's house. I ate dinner and played Skip-bo (a card game) with my mom and lil sis. It was fun. I had the hardest time going to sleep. I woke up really hot. Then I woke up really cold. My body is on like major freak out right now. Don't know what the hell is wrong with it. That leads to today which was organizing my new room. So yes. Sorry this was so long.
One last thing..reply to comments.
Glitch- Yes, Runescape (to me) is a lot of fun. I started playing in the 7th grade. I haven't been playing as much recently since I haven't had a lot of time but when I do play, I enjoy it. There are so many things (skills) to work on and there are quests to do. I like it. :)
Shannice (almost called you Shannon 0.o)- Yes, I do have a PT. I'm Amber Anorexia (haha what a joke). I haven't been going on there much lately though. I go through weird phases of sometimes I'm on there like all the time and other times I'm not on there like ever. Occassionally though I do pop on. I'll try to make an appearance every now and then. I get notifications so if you add me or comment me, I'll know.

Friday, March 4, 2011


I have been reading blogs since about 6:30 this evening. I still have not caught up on everybody's but I will finish them soon. Sorry I haven't commented a lot but I have been reading. I tried to make a comment on the most recent post. I didn't do that on everybody's though. Sorry. I'm working on it.
I am very very very tired. I could barely get out of bed this morning.
School was good. I got 100% on my Criminology test. :)
I played on Runescape for the first time in a month and a half. There wasa  lot of scamming with the free trade now in effect. :(
I gained .6 pounds on my Weight Watchers scale. $&*#@$^& fat fat fat.
I'm getting a massage tomorrow. Triggering? Maybe. Probably. Yes.
Much too fat for a massage. They will be touching my fat. Gross. Disgusting. FAT.
I'm tired.
Good night.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

i failed

my biology test. I'm quite sure of that. I had no clue what the hell I was doing. Most of it was multiple choice and I knew for sure maybe 5 of the answers. Then there was also matching (did ok), fill in the blank (totally failed), and 1 short answer (totally failed). I'm pretty sure I failed. I'd be lucky to get a D. My teacher is going to think I'm stupid. I actually cried because I had no clue what the test was about. That's what I get for not reading the chapters. I just didn't have time. I read too slow and there was just too much to read. :( I'll just have to try harder in that class.
I'm making up another test tomorrow in my Criminology class. I'm much more prepared for this one. I haven't finished reading the chapter yet but I plan on doing that in the morning.
I lost even more weight this morning. 105. I have a question though. I have two scales, one is just a regular scale and my personal one is a Weight Watchers scale. The first two days of this month, my Weight Watchers scale added .6 pounds to my weight. This morning I was actually .2 pounds lighter on the Weight Watchers scale. I don't know which scale to base myself off of. I'm going off the Weight Watchers scale as of now because at first it was the heavier one. I don't know. Which one is accurate? I put both the scales in the same spot so that's not the problem. Hmmm. Any ideas? Also, when I weighed myself this morning fully clothed, I weighed 106.8 on both scales. Does that make a difference? I think I trust the Weight Watchers scale more though. It also tells me more info (body fat, water %, bone mass, and BMI). My BMI is 17.9. I can't wait for it to be 17.5 again. I want to get even lower. I'm going to lose as much weight as I can before I start this IOP. I have an appointment with a medical doctor on Wednesday. I'm hoping to weigh 100 by then. I don't want to stop losing weight. It feels so good. For once I feel like I'm doing good. Today I did kind of bad though. I feel like I ate a lot: cereal, a Special K bar, southwestern goulash, a biscuit, and 6 Reese's Easter eggs. I also drank a lot of vanilla soy milk. I hope I didn't gain. Guess I'll find out in the morning.
So I'm breaking my promise about reading blogs tonight. It's already 9:30 and I need to head off to bed. I have to wake up early to take a shower and shave. I should be able to start on blogs tomorrow. I'm eager to catch up on how everyone else is doing. Until tomorrow.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011


is so cool...BUT it SUCKS!! I have been doing biolgoy homework since 3:30 pm. It's now 9:30. Totally way too long. I still haven't even finished studying for the test that I'm supposed to be making up tomorrow. I'm going to fucking fail it. :( On the upside, I wrote two really awesome poems about prokaryotic and eukaryotic cells tonight. Go me! jk. I had to do it. It took me an hour and a half to write the first one. They are both almost two pages long!!! 0.o x 2904757389759734529098317563! But once I get that stuff turned in tomorrow and take my test, I will be all caught up.
While I'm talking about biology, I just want to say that I did my presentation yesterday..LIVE!! That's right. I got up in front of the class and presented. It was probably a 3 minute presentation but I think I still had a lot of information in there. I was just so freaking nervous that I sped talk and went through everything really fast. I did well on the question and answer portion too. :) I was very proud of myself. Everyone else I know is too. So YAY ME!! =D
Today I saw the lady from Renew. That went okay. She thinks I'm a good fit for the program. I'm nervous as hell about it. I don't know if I'm really ready for it though because right now all I can think about is losing more weight. I started out this month at 108.6 pounds. This morning I weighed 106.8. That's almost 2 pounds in one day. I'm glad though. The lower I can go before I start this program, the better. I want to be 102 again. I want to be sicker before I start. The lady was saying that if I got too much more sick, I would need hospitalization. I could have laughed at her right then. That reminds me of my therapist telling me I do look the part of an eating disorder. What a joke.
GAH! I have so much to tell you guys and I'm really tired and just want to go to bed. I don't know. I'll try to post twice tomorrow to get everything filled in. Until then, night!
(I promise I will start reading blogs tomorrow!)