Tuesday, March 8, 2011

ever get that feeling

that no matter how hard you push yourself, no matter how long/hard you work out, you will always be fat? Yeah, that's how I felt tonight. I did 15 minutes or so of dance. I felt like that wasn't working so I started doing sit-ups. Then I just broke down into tears. I just laid there on the floor and cried, feeling fat and helpless and hopeless. I wanted to purge. I wanted to slash my arms to pieces. Instead I laid there and cried and cried and cried. I finally calmed down enough to call my therapist. She wanted to know why I was upset. I told her I felt fat. She told me I need to get out of emotion mind and into reasonable mind. Logically I know I'm not fat, but I can't shake the thoughts/feelings that I am. My therapist recommended some skills for me to put to use. I listened to music and did some Sudoku. I still feel a little upset but not as bad as before. I fucking hate my eating disorder, but do I want to change? No, not really. Changing = fat. Fuck that.
On to other news...you know that biology test I thought I failed? I got an 85%!! I almost died of shock when I saw my grade. lol. I'm actually doing a lot better in that class than I thought I was. =D
My friend that was in the hospital is now in a group home. That was of last Tuesday. That's not the news though. She had a friend from the hospital text her yesterday telling her she overdosed and was cutting. Then her phone shut off. My buddy is very worried. I hope her friend is okay. Pray for her. My buddy has enough to worry about without her friend's stupidity.
I can't think of anything else. I still have not read blogs. I have been failing in that department lately. Sorry. =( Well I'm like uber tired and I'm waking up early to go to IHOP for breakfast. We are meeting my uncle from out of town. I just hope I'm not late for school. Okay, well good night.

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