i think

I'm falling, not even slowly. No, it is happening quickly. The black is encroaching once more in my life. Where these thoughts ever really gone? I doubt it. I think I'll always feel this way. I've tried to escape but how do you escape yourself? I can't do this again. No, not again. I don't think there is any hope. My grandparents have a gun. They keep it in a safe. Once I find the key, it's over. I'll take my remaining pills and pull the fucking trigger. Bang. End of story.
Why am I telling you this? What good will come of this? All of your attempts to save me when it's quite obvious that I can't be saved. I don't want your comments telling me there is hope for a better future. No, I don't want your lies. There is no better future. There is no future..at least not for me. Please don't lie to me anymore. Save your breath. Don't waste your words.
I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm sorry this monster is back. It's only been a month since I last attempted and here I am already plotting my next attempt. Pathetic. Fucking pathetic. Weak. Yes, I am weak. I don't know what else to say. Forgive my ramblings. I'm just fucking crazy. Forgive me.