Thursday, March 31, 2011

you know what..

I'm not killing myself this weekend. No, I have plans that I fully intend on keeping. I want to go to a baseball game with my grandparents this weekend. I want to find out how I did on my math and biology tests. I want to finish the school semester. I don't care what she said to me. I just got done typing her a very very very long message on facebook pretty much telling her how I'm feeling about her role in all of this. I told her I don't understand how she promised she wouldn't tell, then she said I had til Sunday, and then today said she might even tell before then. I don't understand why she is encouraging me to kill myself and if I don't try to, she'll tell. I don't understand why she told me tonight that I should try to kill myself today because then she wouldn't really know about it. I expressed my feelings of regret for telling her and putting her in this situation. I got mad and told her that I never wanted to tell her. She was the one begging for information. Begging might even be too kind of a word. I think harrassing would be better. Now that she knows, she can't handle it, which I feared would be the case. She expressed to me tonight that she had been cutting and burning herself because of this situation. I had no clue. She told me tonight "Sorry, I'm so sorry." I thought she had told so I got mad. Then she informed me that it didn't affect me. I freaked out thinking she had told. That's when she told me she had cut and burned herself. I had no clue. She was acting like I've known it all along, when in reality, I just found out with the last text I received from her. When I came home, I saw she had messaged me saying that I "seem to think that we aren't good for each other" and that I want to end our friendship. She said "if you want me out, I'm gone. Bye buddy." It's like what the fuck? I never said that. I may be thinking that but I never said that to her. I only told her that if she told my mom, our friendship would be over. I told her that I can't trust her because all she has been doing is lying and breaking promises. Best friend? No. I don't know what's going to happen between us. I hope that she doesn't tell. It wouldn't make since to tell because I expressed to her that I want to wait til the end of the semester. That's two months! But I don't see what difference it makes. If she tells, she tells. Maybe it's best we end it anyways. I don't know. Right now I'm so confused but I am trying to make sense of things. I'm not going to kill myself because she says I have to. I really hope though, if she tells that she tells exactly what she was saying and telling me to do. I'm not the only bad guy and I told her that. But for now, I am living.

3 words from my listeners:

Kari said...

I'm glad to hear you have plans for the weekend (non-suicide ones, that is) I'm sorry it's so tough with your friend, you're both in hard situations. Try to have fun this weekend!

bishhhh said...

dont kill yourself your background is way too cool now brb im readinall ur blogs

f*ckedUpAppendix said...

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, man. you're fcking lovely. remember how we first began talking? maybe you don't. i do. you sent me a private message on pt. trying to talk to me out of suicide. I love you.

Post a Comment