you know what..

I'm not killing myself this weekend. No, I have plans that I fully intend on keeping. I want to go to a baseball game with my grandparents this weekend. I want to find out how I did on my math and biology tests. I want to finish the school semester. I don't care what she said to me. I just got done typing her a very very very long message on facebook pretty much telling her how I'm feeling about her role in all of this. I told her I don't understand how she promised she wouldn't tell, then she said I had til Sunday, and then today said she might even tell before then. I don't understand why she is encouraging me to kill myself and if I don't try to, she'll tell. I don't understand why she told me tonight that I should try to kill myself today because then she wouldn't really know about it. I expressed my feelings of regret for telling her and putting her in this situation. I got mad and told her that I never wanted to tell her. She was the one begging for information. Begging might even be too kind of a word. I think harrassing would be better. Now that she knows, she can't handle it, which I feared would be the case. She expressed to me tonight that she had been cutting and burning herself because of this situation. I had no clue. She told me tonight "Sorry, I'm so sorry." I thought she had told so I got mad. Then she informed me that it didn't affect me. I freaked out thinking she had told. That's when she told me she had cut and burned herself. I had no clue. She was acting like I've known it all along, when in reality, I just found out with the last text I received from her. When I came home, I saw she had messaged me saying that I "seem to think that we aren't good for each other" and that I want to end our friendship. She said "if you want me out, I'm gone. Bye buddy." It's like what the fuck? I never said that. I may be thinking that but I never said that to her. I only told her that if she told my mom, our friendship would be over. I told her that I can't trust her because all she has been doing is lying and breaking promises. Best friend? No. I don't know what's going to happen between us. I hope that she doesn't tell. It wouldn't make since to tell because I expressed to her that I want to wait til the end of the semester. That's two months! But I don't see what difference it makes. If she tells, she tells. Maybe it's best we end it anyways. I don't know. Right now I'm so confused but I am trying to make sense of things. I'm not going to kill myself because she says I have to. I really hope though, if she tells that she tells exactly what she was saying and telling me to do. I'm not the only bad guy and I told her that. But for now, I am living.