Wednesday, March 30, 2011


I kinda maybe just a little bit freaked out earlier. My friend had simply fallen asleep. She hadn't told my mom. She hadn't told my friend any numbers. I wish I could say I felt relief, but no, I felt worse. The panic continued. Why did I tell her? She just wants me to tell her when I'm trying to kill myself so she can tell my mom and get me hospitalized. I can't trust her. I can't trust anyone. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I'm so fucking stupid. What the fuck did I just do? I was crying and hyperventilating. I was having a panic attack. Then she says it, "if you haven't overdosed by Sunday, I'm telling your mom." I was like WHAT THE FUCK?!! She lied to me. She promised she wouldn't tell. I asked her if she wanted me dead. Why would she do this to me? I can't believe her. I told her if she told "I swear to God I will never talk to you again". And I honestly believe that I wouldn' least not for awhile, not while I'm in this mindset. So it's Friday or it's never. Friday it is. I don't want to do it on Friday. I was making plans with my grandma for Sunday to see the Royals (KC's baseball team). It makes me sad. I don't know why I even bother. I know I'm going to live. I'm fucking invincible. I don't care what people tell me. I am invincible. So yeah. I guess Friday will be my last post for awhile or possibly forever if I'm (un?)lucky. I am just so mad that I broke down and told her. Me telling her was like me saying "yes, please help me. I want to live." When in all reality it's like "I fucking hate my life. I'm a monster. I deserve to die and rot in hell." Fucking monkeys. I feel like shit. I don't want to OD this weekend but I refuse to have my mom find out about the pills before I've taken them. I will not have just wasted over $30 worth of pills. No. I have no choice but to try (once again) this weekend. I am sorry for letting you down. But rest assured, I will probably live.
School was good today. I almost volunteered to do my presentation but I got too scared. I'll have to do it Friday for sure.
I went for a 2 mile run today. It felt nice even though the temperature was pretty chilly.
I ate like a pig. I had two mini binges. I ate a yogurt for breakfast (100), cereal for lunch (160), binge #1 was 3 Ho Hos (370), binge #2 was chips and salsa (350). That is way too much, almost 1000 calories. Fat pig.
Today I said I would post my weight. I weigh 105.6 pounds. I've lost 2.8 pounds in 2 days. Fucking awesome. More like not enough.
Well I'm tired as hell. It's been a rough night. I get to sleep in tomorrow. Woo-hoo. *eye roll* Sleep well loves.

5 words from my listeners:

Skittles said...

this is insane. a person's threatening YOU, giving you an ultimatum? she's both sending you signals of do it and get help. please get away from this person - they don't sound like they know what they want for you, or at least they don't want anything good for you. please get away from her.

Skittles said...

AND PLEASE DON'T DO IT you have no idea how how much there is to experience. you will be happy once you do. go traveling, please change up your scenary soon to help clear your head. you have all the time that can be allotted to humans, why not use it- even just to fool around and play for awhile? if you need a break from school or whatever it is, take it. it will help you think.

GraceyJ said...

fuck that stupid bitch! omg that is seriously crazy! maybe you could tell your mum now straight up whats happening so the problem is half fixed.. idk but sweetie please dont do it

AS said...

That girl sounds like a bitch not a friend. she has no right to go tell your mum and even more...who the fuck does she think she is to give you ultimatums? Thats disgusting. I say ditch this deserve better people in your life. Hope things better. Please try to hang in there! xx

Lissy said...

Woman! I'm going to bed but I will remind you of my new fave quote "if you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you always got" so STEP AWAY FROM THE PILLS. It won't get you anywhere and it won't help anything so, please, just consider not taking them? Please?

Oh and you mentioned in one post extracting your DNA and getting to wear it in a necklace- that's so cool! I'm so jealous!!!!xxx

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