Friday, March 11, 2011

Renew IOP

no no no no no no no NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
fat fat fat fat fat fat fat FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I started Renew's Intensive Outpatient Program last night. Recovery = worst thing ever. No lie. The IOP meets three times a week: Monday, Tuesday, Thursday. A requirement of the program is you have to eat a full meal and snack every night you attend. It's like FUCK. I tried not to look at the other girls' meals. I didn't want to be triggered. The whole time I was eating I could feel the anger growing in me. I felt forced. I don't want to do this IOP. I'm too fat.
Another requirement of the program is a dietician. I talked to mine a couple hours before the program started. I think everyone is blowing everything out of proportion. They all act like I'm super skinny and so malnurished. It's like laugh out loud in your face. What a joke. Anyways, the dietician wants me to gain to at least 115 and eat at least 1800 calories. FUCK THAT. I started crying when she told me how much she wanted me to eat a day.
I can't do this. I just can't. I can't quit the program for two weeks, otherwise insurance company won't pay. >.< Once those two weeks are over, I'm done. I am not doing this. Fuck recovery. I want skinny. 105? Let's try 85.

1 words from my listeners:

AbiAnne said...

Awh love you are not fat! I know you don't see it! But that's the disease! just take it an hour at a time! Try and think of the positives. Stick through it and then do what makes you happy, but be safe as well! 115 for your height is still not a bad thing at all. Can you take your ipod? Music always calms me down. I'd just zone everyone out, do what they need and get the fuck out of there asap! Stay strong girly. You have lots of support!

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