Monday, March 21, 2011


So I totally just found out what that meant yesterday (for the win!). I think ftw is a good title for this entry because (drum roll please!).....I finished my paper that I've been putting off all spring break! It's due on Wednesday along with a powerpoint (I have yet to do that 0.o). I'm not looking forward to presenting though. I fail at presenting. Hopefully my paper and the quality of my slides will make up for my lack of presentation skills. Hopefully...
Oh and the paper was why I didn't post yesterday evening. I was typing until 9:27 pm. I started around 5 or 6 pm. That's f'ing crazy, working on a paper that long. It's 7 pages with a  title and source page. My teacher said that was allowed though so it works for me! I think it's rather funny how most of my paper is an intro about the Virginia Tech shooter. The paper is supposed to be on crime theories. I have 3 paragraphs on crime theories. FAIL! lol.
I finally go back to my grandma and grandpa's tonight!! It's about time! Finally I can just chill in my room (instead of chilling in the kitchen) and weigh myself with my own scale. How I've missed my scale. The one where I'm staying is off by a few pounds. It pisses me off because I've been without an accurate scale for almost a week and a half!!! I don't know how people don't weigh themselves every day. It's making me fucking bonkers! I know that I've gained weight though. (>_<) fucking fat ass. I was hoping to be back down to at least 104 by the time I see my therapist, but I don't think that will happen since we are meeting on Wednesday instead of Friday. Great, now she gets to see me in all my fatness. <--Thinking about that makes me chuckle because she's seen me at 120 and now I'm about 15 pounds lighter so I don't know why I'm so worried. I make so much sense. 0.o
I just want to be 102 again, BMI 17.5.
Then I want 100, BMI 17.2.
95, 16.3.
90, 15.4.
Ultimately 85, BMI 14.6.
85 = perfection. 85 = bliss. 85 = beautiful. 85 = happiness.
At least that's what I tell myself now.
I'm sure if I ever get to 85, I'll be in the hospital. How pissed off I will be. People just want me fat. I don't know why they are so worried. I still eat. I guess there is no need to get all frustrated now.
I wish I could talk to my friend about this. She has no idea that I've relapsed into my eating disorder. She still lives in Michigan, so how on earth would she know unless I told her? I just feel like I'm too fat to tell her about it. I won't tell her unless I have to go inpatient (which will probably never happen because I'm a fat ass!!). It just sucks because I feel so alone about it. I just don't want to trigger her because she too has an eating disorder. She hasn't had issues with starving herself in awhile though. I don't know if she binges though since I don't eat with her and never lived with her outside the hospital. So I don't know. Enough about her though. I feel bad talking about her.
This is getting kinda long so good-bye for now!

5 words from my listeners:

GraceyJ said...

hehe bet it is nice to be home with your own scale(:
thankyou for the comment btw (:

AS said...

Great work on your paper! Proud of you.
I hope that you get the results you want from your own scale :-)
Stay safe. xx

Nikki said...

I am in love with your new blog layout, it;s very hyptonizing.................ok what haha and yah i hope u and your scale have a happy reunion xxx

DietCokePlease said...

Good luck on ur paper xx

Mrs. Donae said...

Good luck with the paper and presentation! I'm sure you'll do great hun! I'm the same way about weighing myself and my scale! I'm sorry about your friend situaton :(

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