Saturday, March 12, 2011


I was talking to an old staff member of a residential I used to be in. Needless to say that did not go well. She got mad at me when I told her I relapsed into my eating disorder. I started talking to her for support. I didn't want/expect her to get mad. It's like WTF? I told her I was in IOP and she was like "good, that makes me feel better". I told her it makes me feel worse. She told me I need to focus. I asked her on what and she said "You!". I told her I hate me and I want me to be gone. She said she didn't want to hear me talking "crazy". I told her I'm sorry I feel this way and that I'll leave her alone. She said that wasn't what she meant. Apparently I have to "fight harder" and "find faith". I wanted to tell her "fuck you" but instead I said I was tired and was going to bed. The whole conversation pissed me off. I thought I could rely on her to support me but instead it fuels me more. When I told her my dietician wants me to gain weight, she said "u need to". I asked why. Do you know what she said? "Because". What the hell kind of answer is because?! I told her that does not qualify as an answer. Ugh. It was stupid. I never should have talked to her. Big mistake on my behalf. I learned my lesson.
I ate at McDonald's twice today (but that was all I had). I had the fruit and maple oatmeal (290). That was delish. I also had a small orange juice (150). For lunch I had a grilled honey mustard snack wrap (260) and a large sweet tea (280). I also snacked on some fries (~25) and had a sip of the Shamrock milkshake (~5). That's 1010 calories! Holy shit! That was way more than I thought I had today. Fuck! Stupid drinks added a zillion calories. So I ate more than half of the calories I'm supposed to eat for recovery. Go me! NOT!! I have no idea if I'm going to gain from this or not. I won't have my scales for like a week. 0.o I'm like freaking out. I'll still have access to a scale but it's not my own so it won't be as accurate. Grrrr. >.< This pisses me off.
On a random note, my front teeth are really hurting. I don't know why. I haven't been purging so that can't be it. Lack of nutrition maybe? Who knows and who cares. All I know is I want to lose weight. I want these pounds to be gone. I think I'm actually starting to get a thigh gap. 0.o x 192847039570915983 It's small but it's a step in the right direction. I'm also starting to see my chest bone a little bit. I'm still much too fat. I still have a lot of weight to lose. 19.8 pounds to be exact. The people at Renew say I'll be stopped before then but I don't care. I'm sure as hell going to try to get there. Fuck recovery. I want skinny.

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