Tuesday, March 29, 2011

pills...again

Today I was bad. Today I went and bought two boxes of Triple C and 1 box of Tylenol PM. What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't know if I'm going to overdose on Friday or not. There's a part of me that wants to wait until after the semester is over. I'm scared that I'll live and be forced to stay in the hospital for a long time. I don't want to have to drop out of school. So I'm sure this is when you say "if school is so important, why not live for that?". And here's my response: I don't want to live for something that will eventually go away. I don't want to live for something I'm good at. I want to live because I enjoy life (which I don't). I don't know. My friend is kind of encouraging me to do it on Friday. I just don't want to risk losing school. It's like if I'm going to live, I'm going to be in school. Without school, I am nothing. A hospital will do me no good. It will only make me even more crazy and even more wanting to kill myself. It is bad. Bad bad bad. Why am I like this? I just want to die.
I'm reading 23 Minutes in Hell by Bill Wiese. I'm reading it to see what it will be like when I die and go to hell. That's where I think I'll go if I die by suicide. I believe suicide is the ultimate sin. I don't think it matters that I believe in God. I also think that my anger towards God is another reason why I'd go to hell. But who knows? Maybe I won't go to hell. I just think it's where I belong.
School was good. No, school was great. I extracted my DNA and am now wearing it around my neck on a necklace!! Super cool! Man, I sound like a nerd. Oh wells. Took my biology test. That went well I think. I find out how I did on my math test on Thursday. 0.o Anxious on that one.
So yeah. I don't really know what all is going on.
Food today was good. I had a Special K bar (90), a yogurt (100), some southwestern goulash (~300), Skinny Cow ice cream (150), and two slices of cantaloupe. So probably at max 750 cals. Not too bad. I managed to lose 1.4 pounds from yesterday to today. Woot. I guess that's good. I'm still much to fat. I'll post my weight again tomorrow.
Until then, good night!

7 words from my listeners:

Glitch said...

Just don't do it... you have people that care and love you - and you have us... and you are so young... you have your whole life sweetie. I'll be very devastated if you leave... Just... smile... enjoy what you have - and please... don't leave us.

Nikki said...

dont do it. i would miss you far too much, yes im being selfish but i dont care <3

Seriously though, suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. things will get better. life will get better. you have time. you will be able to enjoy life :)

AS said...

Please don't do it hon...keep hanging on to the little things. School may be a non-permanent pleasure in life...but maybe if you can use school to get you through this period...something else will come along for the next time...and so on. The thing is, as much as we think we know what the future holds for us, we really don't...and if you kill yourself now...you may be losing out on a time in your future where you really are happy and can enjoy life. I know that seems far-fetched and even impossible at the moment, but sweetie we just don't know what things may come our way if we can get through the bad times <3

Elisabethgrace said...

Firstly, your friend who is encouraging to do it, IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!
No friend would encourage you to do it. Maybe you misunderstood what she was saying?

But don't do it! Really! There are so many people who care about you! You have so much to live for! You just gotta hang in there!
xx

GraceyJ said...

if there is the little voice saying dont do it then dont do it! seriously you will have me worrying all week :(
stay strong sweetie.
x

Skittles said...

hi. i don't want you to feel alone, hurt or neglected. but have you identified what you think the problem is? what makes you feel this way? you seem very smart and smart people sometimes stray towards the existential, although that's fine. if you have apathy, or instead heightened negative emotions, you have to know those will change as you age into something more compatible with you. also, if you die right now, you won't know anything. you haven't experienced that much. you may not have encountered your range of psychological experiences yet. you haven't had the gammet of human encounters, and there are amazing ones! anyway, you won't know anything if you die- and you mustn't bet on an afterlife because that isn't certain.

if you change up your life right now, you will see that there is a lot out there that you hadn't experienced. any small change even.

please give yourself time. <3

bishhhh said...

keep writing

Post a Comment