pills...again

Today I was bad. Today I went and bought two boxes of Triple C and 1 box of Tylenol PM. What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't know if I'm going to overdose on Friday or not. There's a part of me that wants to wait until after the semester is over. I'm scared that I'll live and be forced to stay in the hospital for a long time. I don't want to have to drop out of school. So I'm sure this is when you say "if school is so important, why not live for that?". And here's my response: I don't want to live for something that will eventually go away. I don't want to live for something I'm good at. I want to live because I enjoy life (which I don't). I don't know. My friend is kind of encouraging me to do it on Friday. I just don't want to risk losing school. It's like if I'm going to live, I'm going to be in school. Without school, I am nothing. A hospital will do me no good. It will only make me even more crazy and even more wanting to kill myself. It is bad. Bad bad bad. Why am I like this? I just want to die.
I'm reading 23 Minutes in Hell by Bill Wiese. I'm reading it to see what it will be like when I die and go to hell. That's where I think I'll go if I die by suicide. I believe suicide is the ultimate sin. I don't think it matters that I believe in God. I also think that my anger towards God is another reason why I'd go to hell. But who knows? Maybe I won't go to hell. I just think it's where I belong.
School was good. No, school was great. I extracted my DNA and am now wearing it around my neck on a necklace!! Super cool! Man, I sound like a nerd. Oh wells. Took my biology test. That went well I think. I find out how I did on my math test on Thursday. 0.o Anxious on that one.
So yeah. I don't really know what all is going on.
Food today was good. I had a Special K bar (90), a yogurt (100), some southwestern goulash (~300), Skinny Cow ice cream (150), and two slices of cantaloupe. So probably at max 750 cals. Not too bad. I managed to lose 1.4 pounds from yesterday to today. Woot. I guess that's good. I'm still much to fat. I'll post my weight again tomorrow.
Until then, good night!