selfish bitch

Guess what was on my mind this morning when I woke up...food. Food was on my mind. I woke up hungry. That's a bad way to start the day. I then proceeded to tell myself that I am not eating today. I am too fat to eat. I don't have to eat now that I'm not in Renew. With that decided, I got up and started my day. My weigh-in was not good. I don't know my exact weight but I do know I gained another .2 pounds. That puts me back at at least 105.2 pounds. Grrr. >.< But it's okay because I will lose the weight again. I will lose more weight. I want to be in the 90s when I see my therapist on 3/25. I'm 5 pounds away. I can do it. I wish I had my green tea pills to help with the process. I can lose over a pound the first day I take it. It's such a waste to have bought them and now not be able to take them. I just don't want my mom to know I'm on them so I didn't bring them with me (I'm staying at her house). So today I fast. Tomorrow I might continue. I think it could be fun to see how long I can go. I'll make it a game. Only way I'm eating is if we go out somewhere as a family. That might end up happening tonight. My grandma is having hip surgery (not a hip replacement). It's not major and it's outpatient so she can come home tonight. My aunt is going to be there and so is my mom. I believe I am going to be there too. I don't know if anyone else is coming though. I hope not. The more people who come, the bigger the chance of a big dinner. Wow. What a selfish bitch I am being. Today my grandma is having surgery and all I care about is eating. I'm a horrible person. I deserve this miserable life.