Renew IOP

no no no no no no no NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
fat fat fat fat fat fat fat FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I started Renew's Intensive Outpatient Program last night. Recovery = worst thing ever. No lie. The IOP meets three times a week: Monday, Tuesday, Thursday. A requirement of the program is you have to eat a full meal and snack every night you attend. It's like FUCK. I tried not to look at the other girls' meals. I didn't want to be triggered. The whole time I was eating I could feel the anger growing in me. I felt forced. I don't want to do this IOP. I'm too fat.
Another requirement of the program is a dietician. I talked to mine a couple hours before the program started. I think everyone is blowing everything out of proportion. They all act like I'm super skinny and so malnurished. It's like laugh out loud in your face. What a joke. Anyways, the dietician wants me to gain to at least 115 and eat at least 1800 calories. FUCK THAT. I started crying when she told me how much she wanted me to eat a day.
I can't do this. I just can't. I can't quit the program for two weeks, otherwise insurance company won't pay. >.< Once those two weeks are over, I'm done. I am not doing this. Fuck recovery. I want skinny. 105? Let's try 85.