Tuesday, February 28, 2012

(love) sick?

laying in bed at 2 am feeling like you are going to throw up is so much fun.
i don't know why i feel nauseous.
perhaps it's because i've been reading love stories.
stories of girls falling in love with each other and being happy.
maybe the sickly sweet love that i'll never have is making feel so ill.
torturing myself with romance.
seeing pictures.
reading stories.
even my ipod is against me.
(i don't know why more than half of my ipod consists of love songs when i've never been in love.)
it's sad really.
wanting love.
but not having it.
people tell me they love me,
but it's not the kind of love i want.
i want someone to hold me in their arms while i sleep.
someone to hold my hand in public.
someone to kiss me and hug me and make me feel special.
here come the tears i've been holding back.
why do i always break down at night.
it's always over this.
being alone.
it doesn't make sense.
i hate myself so much for being gay,
yet the one thing i want is to be loved by a girl.
a girl i can call mine.
a girl who wants me back.
i am so fucking alone.
love from a family member can only do so much.
it doesn't fill this aching hole in my heart that can only be filled by some special girl who loves me.
i don't mean the friendly love that is between best friends.
i mean the love that two people share when they've found "the one".
i'm not saying i want to marry the first girl i date.
i just want to feel like someone wants me.
like someone needs me.
I just want somebody to love me.

3 words from my listeners:

Lissy. said...

Sweets, you talk like it'll never happen. As though being a lesbian means you'll never find love? I might be well off the mark but it seems as though that's what you believe? Because that is in no way true! You can (and will!) find love.

It's painful now.

But you will find someone who loves you the way you damn well deserve!!!xxx

Honor Regzig said...

Hello, fellow lesbian. I've read your past entries and I knoow how much it sucks to be where you are.
I've been single for 6 years and I'm sick of it.
The last girl I dated claimed she was gay....she was bi, and married, with a kid. She just wanted to use me as a toy. And she "feels hurt" about me avoiding her. Whatever.

It took my Mom 2 years to accept me (I realized back in 2002) and sometimes I wonder if she still has issues. Seems she thinks I'm gay because I had abusive dad & stepdad. Well it's better than blaming me. I'm still not sure daddie dearest knows, but I don't much care about him. If not for my half-siblings, i'd ignore daddie's existence entirely.

About a year ago the ELCA finally voted to accept gay people, they even dropped the requirement that gay pastors be celibate. But some "churches" didn't like this, including the "church" that baptized me. So the "church" that baptized me actually took a vote and made it agaisnt the church constitution to call a gay pastor or perform union ceremonies.
So I know how deep the antigay sentiment runs.

So my best friend (who is also ex-boyfriend) found me a real church. He found an ELCA church that was also an Reconciling in Christ church, they are totally gay-friendly and follow Jesus in reaching out to the outcasts.
There are gay-affirming churches. And finding one makes a big difference.
You are not evil.
You are not alone.

heiscertainlyworthit said...

Love isn't exactly what it's cracked up to be. It's great at first, don't get me wrong, but then it goes a bit down hill. Then, you have to work at things and you're happy with them less often etc.

But, someone will love you, and you'll love them back.Maybe they're closer than you think :)

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