check 5 and 6

Right now I'm battling the urge to exercise. I haven't exercised today so it shouldn't be a bad thing. BUT it is. I'm obsessing over every little bit. I'm freaking out over the calories I consumed. I would have been fine had we not gone out to pizza. I would have been fine had I stuck to my salad, but no, I ate a slice of pizza and the crust off of two more slices. Then earlier today I had Cheetohs, two cookies, three bites of cookie dough, oatmeal, and a piece of toast. fucking fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat. I have no control. I didn't mind the oatmeal or the cookies (surprisingly) but the rest just makes me feel like shit. I am so fat. I've gained so much weight since my last weigh in. I'll be so embarrassed to post my weight tomorrow. Maybe I won't. It's too much. You will all surely agree that I am too fat. Exercising makes my legs look bigger. I want a thigh gap, not even bigger thunder thighs. fucking monkeys.
~~~~~
School was good. Nothing too exciting happened. We are talking about genetics in my biology class. Interesting stuff. Math is boring and a bit confusing. I just have to make sense of it.
I finished Get Me Out Of Here. It was a really good book.
As you saw in my previous post, I came up with my 25 things to do before I die.
I got the present from my friend: a stuffed animal penguin and some coloring roll thing.
I downloaded some new music for my i-pod.
I feel like curling up into a ball. I'm crying while talking to my mom on facebook about my eating. I feel so fat. I just want to see myself as I am. Why can't I see what everyone else sees? Right now I'm having thoughts of wanting to die. My ED is in control right now and it's making me miserable. I just want to be skinny, to feel skinny. I want to look in the mirror and like the way I look. I only begin to like myself when I see my bones. That's sick. I shouldn't want bones. I should want to be healthy but I'm fat when I'm healthy. I'm so confused. I just want the truth. I don't think I could accept it even if it hit me in the face. I can't write about this anymore.

Positives:
-I enjoyed my oatmeal from breakfast.
-I finished my book.
-I made my bucket list.
-I saw my mom.
-I got my present.

I can't think of anymore. I'm too upset. I'm sorry but I need to go to bed. Good night.