Wednesday, January 26, 2011


So here is the low down of what my day was like. I woke up late and had to rush to take my shower. It was very cold outside. It hurt my ears. =( Then I went off to college. I enjoyed my classes. Criminal justice is just so cool. I don't know if I've posted this on here before but I plan on going into forensic science. I want to work in a crime lab and then maybe, if possible, go out in the field. I'm going to be a CSI (crime scene investigator)!! Woot! Well maybe that is. A lot of my family have been telling me it might not be possible for me to go into this field due to my mental health background. I've been avoiding asking about it until now, well technically until Friday. I asked my criminal justice teacher if I could meet with him before class on Friday. I figured I'd ask him because he worked just about every job in the criminal justice system (he was a cop). I hope he has the answers I'm looking for. If not, I'm kinda screwed. I'm just really afraid that he'll say that I can't do it. That will literally crush me. I've wanted to be a CSI ever since I was a little kid. I don't know what I'll do if that dream is taken away from me. It's all I want. It's my sole reason for living. I'm just scared.
I came home from school and ate lunch. I had a chicken go wrap (250) from Wendy's, an ice cream cone (270), and an oatmeal cookie thing (170).
Shortly after that, I had to go see my psychiatrist. That did not really happen. My dad and I were talking on the way there. I was already getting riled up. When we got there, things really got out of hand. I told my dad I wasn't going in. He got all pissed and told me to at least call and cancel the session. I didn't have the number so he told me to go inside and tell them. I refused. My dad stormed in. Next thing I know, my dad AND my psychiatrist were walking towards the car. My psychiatrist tried to get me to come in. I refused. I was getting all pissed off again. Finally he went inside because he was cold. I started screaming and punching myself in the leg. I first hit the car but then decided I had enough issues without breaking the car..again. So it was my leg I was going to beat up. I was crying and screaming. Then I remembered my music. I got out my i-pod and started listening to Evanescence. I was screaming along. I'm surprised I didn't lose my voice. Anyways, my dad came out about 10-15 minutes later. He had a piece of paper in his hands. I thought it was a new prescription but nope, it was just instructions on how to take the meds I'm ALREADY on. I was like grrrr. On the upside, he brought me stickers. :)
I came home all upset. That's when I decided to binge. So I ate a honey bun, another ice cream cone, poptarts, cookies, and swiss roll cakes. I felt so sick. I actually planned that. It wasn't even like it just happened. I knew what I wanted to eat so I ate it. The thing is though, I didn't even want to eat it. I just wanted to eat and eat and EAT. I wanted to comfort myself. Instead, I made matters worse. After binging I felt like cutting really bad. This was one of the strongest urges I've had to cut in awhile. Thankfully I managed to get through the urge. I tried to do some exercise (my text buddy's suggestion) and just kinda gave up on that as the urge faded. I talked to my mom a little bit but that was of no use. Then I felt like overdosing. That was really bad. I texted my text buddy and told her what was going on. She talked to me and gave me some things to do. I almost called my therapist but I got through the urge without her. =) So I stayed safe. I got through both of my really strong urges with no self-harm. YAY me!
I got back from the gas station about an hour ago and had a hot chocolate. It wasn't even very good. All I have to say is I felt super sick after drinking it. I felt like I was going to throw up or have diarrhea or possibly even both. I took some Pepto Bismol and now I'm feeling better. Now I'm also feeling super tired so I'm off to bed. I'll try to post my positive poem in the morning before I go to school. Thanks for supporting me guys. Love you all. <3 Night!

2 words from my listeners:

SilentNightmare said...

What made you not want to go in hun? I mean i know you were worked up from talking to your dad, but what made u not want to talk to the psychologist? Glad you're feeling better not but sucks that you went through all of that *hugs*

Iris said...

I'm sorry about the psychiatrist appointment, but I'm so happy you were able to resist the urge to cut. You should be SO proud of yourself. That takes real strength.

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