Friday, January 7, 2011

2 pounds!

I gained almost 2 pounds from yesterday to today!! WTF?!! It is so gross. So much for my "progress". I have been eating like a pig today too. Obviously I want to be fat. I'm sure I'll gain tomorrow too. Why am I such a pig? I was so proud of myself yesterday morning before I ate the whole house. Now look at me. I'm back in the healthy range. No! I don't want to be healthy. I WANT TO BE SICK! I want to be able to walk into my therapist's office and have her go "Amber, how much do you weigh?" and respond "102". Then I want to say 95. 90. 85! I want her to truly see that I have an eating disorder. I want her to see how "sick" I really am, because to be honest, I don't feel sick. Maybe once I reach 102 (BMI 17.5), I will start to feel sick. But no, I doubt it. I think I will always believe that I am fat. Ugh. Fucking kill me (figuratively?).

1 words from my listeners:

AliceInReality said...

" I want her to truly see that I have an eating disorder. I want her to see how "sick" I really am, because to be honest, I don't feel sick."

I feel just like you hun.. In no way do I feel I need the help that is offered to me.. And in no way feel sick enough.

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