Friday, January 28, 2011


First of all

hehehe. =D
Thanks for this picture Nikki. It made me laugh.
Second, I talked with my criminal justice teacher today about my future career (forensic scientist). He believes that even though I have a history of mental health problems, I will still be able to get a job as long as I stay stable. So I was like yay! All my family was worried for nothing. Silly family! The thing was I was so afraid of asking about whether or not I could do this job. I was so scared he was going to crush my dreams of becoming a forensic scientist. Thankfully he didn't because I wouldn't know what to do if he did. Half my life I have wanted to be a forensic scientist. If for some reason I couldn't, I would have nothing to fall back on. I have no other career paths planned out. All I have left that I am good at is writing. We all know it's hard as hell to make a living out of that. Plus, I only write poetry. I suck at story writing. Although, I do have a very good idea for one...
All that being said, I still feel suicidal. I still want to end my life. I don't understand it. I'm getting one step closer to my life-long dream and I just don't care. All I care about is suicide. I hear people tell me every day "it gets better." and "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." I must say though that I strongly disagree. I've waited for years for things to get better. They have only gotten worse. I don't think that mental illnesses that will affect me for the rest of my life are "temporary problems". I just have no hope. Why should I? Things aren't going to change. This is when people come in and say "it'll only change if you want it to." Well what if I don't want it to change? What if I want to stay in my comfort zone? Do I want to be depressed? No. I just don't know what else to be. Life sucks. Isn't death better? Sure I'll rot in hell but at least I won't be on Earth. Either one is torture. I pick hell though.
Okay, so that is not where I intended on going with this. It just all kind of came out. Sorry. I guess the point was I should be feeling better because my dreams are still alive but I'm not. For fucksake I'm not. Epic fail.

4 words from my listeners:

NightFlower said...

I'm sorry you feel bad :[ But it's great that you should be able to get the job you want at some point...I'm sure someday you will be an amazing forensic scientist :] Just hold on. xxx
P.S. The picture made me smile. :]

heiscertainlyworthit said...

I know how you feel. On days like this, I walk to the canal, and sit in the countryside. Because that's beautiful, and that is just me being as happy as it gets. Everything seems to float away, and you can just be empty and problem-free for once.
And, dying is not the answer, because what if it gets worse? We don't know what lurks there, it could be twice as bad, we could stay on the Earth, like ghosts, and be invisible to everyone we love.
You can make life better for yourself. It's what I intend to do. When I'm 45kg soon, and eventually 40kg, then I'll be able to fulfil my ambitions and be skinny.
You'll make it too, I'm sure you will. Just have faith in yourself. At our age, life isn't fun. Some people say it is, but they waste life, by drinking lots of alcohol and doing drugs (all of my friends do this, and I don't anymore, and they all tell me I 'don't live anymore'). But, once you achieve your goals, and be the best thing that you can be, then you'll be happy. It will probably take a few years or something to become a forensic scientist, but it will be worth it. Then your panic and stresses will be can relax and think "wow, I made it".

This is really long comment, and I hope you get everything I'm saying, because I am not too good at explaining things!! But, everything will be fine...I promise :) Stay strong xx

GraceyJ said...

cuuute picture (: i love it!

and thats an interesting job :P waaay cool

SilentNightmare said...

You have all the classic signs of depression hun, you really should talk to someoene about it *hugs*

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