Tuesday, January 18, 2011


I am so fucking TIRED!! I've been up since 5 am. It is now a little bit after 9 pm. I've been up waaay to long. This is probably going to be short and sweet. Well maybe not sweet but to the point.
I fasted again today. I almost gave into my craving of corn but I held out. I plan on eating tomorrow though. Hope I don't gain. =/
I had some serious anxiety problems today before, during, and after therapy. I was freaking out because I felt like I was too fat to see my therapist. Then I was freaking out because I felt too fat to go to group. I thought my thighs were to big and people would notive and think I was a fat pig (which I am!).
Group was okay. We learned 2 new skills: Pros & Cons and Radical Acceptance. Radical Acceptance is probably one of my least favorite skills. We played pictionary at the end to celebrate a girl "graduating". In other words, she was leaving the group. I'm going to miss her because she was so outgoing and spunky. I won't miss how much of a trigger she was for me. (She is super tiny!) There was food and lemon bars but I refused to eat some because 1. I didn't want to ruin my fast, 2. I didn't want them to think I was a  fat pig, and 3. I never EVER eat in front of my therapist. It's because they know I have an eating disorder and would I really have an eating disorder if I ate? No. So fuck food.. My therapist also offered me some nuts in her office because I was shakig so bad from not eating. I also was having heart palpitations, at least I think that's what it was. My heart was racing and I could feel it pounding against my chest. It was kinda scary. It also could have been from my anxiety.
Well this post has been long enough. I'm tired. So good night. Sleep well. I hope I sleep well because I start up college again tomorrow. 0.o YIKES! Wish me luck!

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