Thursday, January 20, 2011

omg

I woke up this morning because I had to go to the bathroom. I checked my phone to see what time it is and saw that I had a text message from the school. Snow day!! Woot! I went and told my grandma, went to the bathroom, and came back to lie down. I fell asleep quickly. I woke up around 10:15. I was stoked to have slept so long. I definitely needed that sleep. I went to the bathroom to change clothes and weigh myself. I got undressed and stepped on the scale. I nearly died when I saw the number on the scale. It said I weighed 109.8! I was like "holy shit! I gained 2 pounds?!" I felt depressed as I was putting on my clothes. I then proceeded to weigh myself again. (I do this so I can tell how much food weight I'm gaining throughout the day.) It said I weighed 108.2. I was like WTF. So I undressed again and weighed myself. This time the scale said 106.8. I wasn't sure if the scale was lying to me or not so I moved it to a different spot and again weighed 106.8. I was like hell yeah!! So I lost a pound from yesterday to today. I am super happy. I am back on the right track. I am back to the weight I was two weeks ago. I feel accomplished. Now I just need to lose 2.8 pounds to get to my previous lowest weight and 4.8 pounds to get to 102. I have 12 days (including today) to lose 4.8 pounds. I can totally do this. Just think, from Tuesday to today, I have lost 3.2 pounds! Can you believe that? It's like mind-boggling. If I keep losing weight at this rate, I'll be about 100 (or below!) by January 31. I am super excited. I mean I finally feel like I am doing things right. I finally feel like it's okay for me to go see my therapist. She might actually believe me when I say I have an eating disorder. Once I reach 102, I will have a BMI of 17.5, the BMI requirement of an anorexic. If I can maintain or get below that and lose my period, I will finally be anorexic. Now I'm sure this makes me sound like a wannarexic (which I probably am), but I just hate being EDNOS. I mean what the hell kind of diagnosis is EDNOS? I feel like people won't take me seriously if I have EDNOS. They'll think I'm fake. When I talk to my friend in the hospital, I want to tell her what I've been keeping from her for almost 6 months. I don't want to tell her I'm EDNOS and I'm still a healthy weight. I want to tell her I'm anorexic and I'm being put into an inpatient program. Only then will I feel like I am truly sick. Thinking about what I just said made me realize I am already sick in the head. I guess I want my body to follow suit. Sorry if this pisses people off. That is definitely not my intent. I guess I'm just rambling. I don't even know what I'm saying. So yeah, I guess I'll leave it at this.

4 words from my listeners:

Night_Flower said...

I'm glad you got a long sleep :) You're not a wannarexic <<I hate that term. People won't not take you seriously or think you're a fake, honestly.
Be careful :l xx

SilentNightmare said...

Also glad you got such a good sleep and a snow day... mean i miss those lol.... I don't think you're fake and i do take your seriously... but i understand not wanting to be EDNOS, it is so frustrating because not only do you feel you don't deserve help or you're fake tbh you're not taken seriously until your health is in critical danger so i understand what you mean and why you would be striving from that. But you deserve help, i know ED diagnosis are based on weight, but remember its a mental illness, so it has a lot to do with thoughts and how you feel.

heiscertainlyworthit said...

I hate it when the term 'wannarexic' is used. I don't understand how you can get an ed from wanting one, or trying to get one. It happens!! You can't try to get one. People who use that are silly.

But, you're not. I completely understand how you feel: when people who I've not known before my ED (that I know now) find out that I had one, they don't believe me. I don't look like I had anorexia, I only got to 50kg. But, I got caught.

I also want people to believe me.

You're not a faker, we can all see that. People just judge on weight. It's complete balls, you can be 100% ED inside, but just because you're not like 70lbs, 'you can't be anorexic'.

Good luck though, I'm so proud of you!

Stay strong and skinny ;) xx

GraceyJ said...

dont ya hate it when the scales do those silly tricks!
have a fun day in the snow :P
x

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