omg

I woke up this morning because I had to go to the bathroom. I checked my phone to see what time it is and saw that I had a text message from the school. Snow day!! Woot! I went and told my grandma, went to the bathroom, and came back to lie down. I fell asleep quickly. I woke up around 10:15. I was stoked to have slept so long. I definitely needed that sleep. I went to the bathroom to change clothes and weigh myself. I got undressed and stepped on the scale. I nearly died when I saw the number on the scale. It said I weighed 109.8! I was like "holy shit! I gained 2 pounds?!" I felt depressed as I was putting on my clothes. I then proceeded to weigh myself again. (I do this so I can tell how much food weight I'm gaining throughout the day.) It said I weighed 108.2. I was like WTF. So I undressed again and weighed myself. This time the scale said 106.8. I wasn't sure if the scale was lying to me or not so I moved it to a different spot and again weighed 106.8. I was like hell yeah!! So I lost a pound from yesterday to today. I am super happy. I am back on the right track. I am back to the weight I was two weeks ago. I feel accomplished. Now I just need to lose 2.8 pounds to get to my previous lowest weight and 4.8 pounds to get to 102. I have 12 days (including today) to lose 4.8 pounds. I can totally do this. Just think, from Tuesday to today, I have lost 3.2 pounds! Can you believe that? It's like mind-boggling. If I keep losing weight at this rate, I'll be about 100 (or below!) by January 31. I am super excited. I mean I finally feel like I am doing things right. I finally feel like it's okay for me to go see my therapist. She might actually believe me when I say I have an eating disorder. Once I reach 102, I will have a BMI of 17.5, the BMI requirement of an anorexic. If I can maintain or get below that and lose my period, I will finally be anorexic. Now I'm sure this makes me sound like a wannarexic (which I probably am), but I just hate being EDNOS. I mean what the hell kind of diagnosis is EDNOS? I feel like people won't take me seriously if I have EDNOS. They'll think I'm fake. When I talk to my friend in the hospital, I want to tell her what I've been keeping from her for almost 6 months. I don't want to tell her I'm EDNOS and I'm still a healthy weight. I want to tell her I'm anorexic and I'm being put into an inpatient program. Only then will I feel like I am truly sick. Thinking about what I just said made me realize I am already sick in the head. I guess I want my body to follow suit. Sorry if this pisses people off. That is definitely not my intent. I guess I'm just rambling. I don't even know what I'm saying. So yeah, I guess I'll leave it at this.